Humor in Marriage – “Shopping” with “Better Half”

Humor in Marriage

“WISDOM” FROM A “MUCH MARRIED” HUSBAND

HOW TO GO SHOPPING WITH YOUR WIFE by VIKRAM KARVE  

Disclaimer:

1. Please read this apocryphal story only if you have a sense of humor. This yarn is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh. And yes, this story is for mature broad-minded adults only – so if you are a kid, or an overly gender sensitive type, please skip this post.

2. Please note that this story is set in 1982 – 37 years ago – when gender equations and social mores were quite different from today’s milieu.

3. This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

“SHOPPING” WITH “BETTER HALF”  

PROLOGUE

When I got married – I had no prior experience of marriage – since it was my first marriage.

Since I had ZERO girlfriends before my marriage – I was totally innocent about relationships with girls.

Till my marriage – I had no prior experience in how to cohabit with a girl.

In fact – I did not even know how to interact with a girl.

I was a total “novice”.

It was the same with my newly wedded wife too – she was just 21 – and – she had lived a rather purist life.

And suddenly – one day – we – my wife and I – two “inexperienced” souls – we got married.

After our wedding in Pune – we went to live in our tiny one room apartment in the Curzon Road Residential Complex – called “Curzon Road Apartments” – located mid-way between Connaught Place and India Gate on Kasturba Gandhi Marg in New Delhi.

This story happened 37 years ago – in 1982 – in the early inchoate days of our marriage.

“SHOPPING” WITH “BETTER HALF”

Fiction Short Story

By

VIKRAM KARVE

“I don’t know how to tell you – but I need something urgently…” my newly-wedded wife said.

“Sure…” I said, “What do you want to buy so urgently…?”

“Innerwear…” she said.

“Innerwear…?” I asked, “But it’s still summer season…”

“Lingerie…” she said.

“Lingerie…?”

“Underclothes – underwear – I mean – undergarments…”

“Oh – you want to buy “Bras and Panties”…” I said – comprehension dawning on me pretty fast.

“Yes…” she said, “the same thing…”

“Why are you feeling so shy…? For men – what we call “Vest and Underwear” – for women – it’s “Bras and Panties”. But – tell me – why do you need “Bras and Panties” so urgently…?

“I seem to have forgotten to bring that packet of the new “Bras and Panties” which I had bought just before our wedding…”

“No Problem…” I said, “I know the best shop for “Bras and Panties”…”

“You know the best shop for “Bras and Panties”…? How do you know all this…?” my wife asked, curious.

“Observation…” I said, “I walk the streets – I drive around a lot – and – I observe…”

Soon – we were outside the “Bras and Panties” shop.

My wife got off the scooter – and she started walking towards the “Bras and Panties” shop.

I parked the scooter – and I followed my wife inside.

“Why have you come in…?” my wife asked me.

“Just to have a look around…” I said.

“I think you should wait outside…” my wife said.

But – a salesgirl interrupted our conversation – and she asked my wife what she wanted.

So – my wife started talking to the salesgirl.

Dear Reader – I have already told you that I like to “observe” – I am “curious” by nature – and – I have a “thirst” for learning new things.

So – I remained in the background – observing the proceedings.

The salesgirl was showing “bras” to my wife.

Soon – there were plenty of “bras” on the glass top of the showcase – and my wife seemed unable to make up her mind on which “bras” to select.

Being a “supportive” husband – I decided to help my wife.

“Why don’t you take a “trial”…?” I said to my wife.

“Trial…?” she said, looking confused.

“You must always “try out” clothes before you buy them…” I said.

“I know my size…” she said.

“More than the size – the “fit” is important – clothes must be comfortable – especially “underclothes” like “Bras and Panties”…” I pontificated.

I saw my wife’s cheeks turn crimson – and she was looking at me angrily.

“Madam…?” the salesgirl said to my wife.

“I will come later…” my wife said to the salesgirl.

Then – my wife said to me: “Let’s go home…”

The salesgirl seemed perturbed about losing a customer – so she said to my wife: “Madam – we have a room where you can take a trial. Please come with me…”

“No…” my wife said.

“Please Madam…” the salesgirl pleaded.

The beseeching tone in the salesgirl’s voice seemed to have soothed my wife’s anger – so – she went along with the salesgirl to the “trial room”.

This gave me an opportunity to enhance my knowledge on “Bras and Panties”.

So – I walked around the store – looking at the display windows and showcases.

The staff at the store was most helpful – and the salesgirls were most happy to answer all my “intelligent” doubts arising from my “thirst” for knowledge.

Dear Reader – I will not go into details of the “Question and Answer” sessions I had with the salesgirls – but – it was a most enlightening and educative conversation for me – there was so much to learn about “Bras and Panties” – so many “aspects” – Types, Cup Sizes, Styles, Shapes, Fits – a most fascinating subject – an entire science in itself.

My wife seemed to have taken my advice seriously – and was taking her time in the “trial room”.

The moment my wife came out – I asked her: “Did you like any Bras...?”

“Yes…” she said.

“And – Panties...?”

“Yes – Yes – Yes…” she said angrily.

“Very Good…” I said – happy that the “Bras and Panties” shopping expedition was a success.

But – instead of being grateful and thanking me – the moment we left the shop – my wife said angrily to me: “I am never going to come shopping with you again…”

My wife tried her best to avoid coming with me for shopping.

But – sometimes – she had no choice – and she had to come with me for shopping.

Firstly – my wife could not drive a scooter.

Later – when we got a car – she could not drive the car too.

She tried a lot – but even today – she can’t drive a scooter or car.

So – she has no choice but to take me along as a “driver” (and “porter”).

Secondly – owing to my keen sense of observation – I knew the best places for shopping for particular items.

Later – after the advent of malls – my wife would tell me to browse books in the bookstore – while she did her shopping in the mall.

Recently – when we visited our favourite mall – we saw that the bookstore had shut down.

So – I tagged along with my wife to the garment store in the mall.

My wife wanted to buy “Kurties” (Tops) – so – as a devoted and loving husband – I was sincerely trying to help her select “Kurties”.

But my “ungrateful” wife did not seem to appreciate my sincere efforts.

“Please don’t hang around here in the Ladies’ Section…” she said to me, “You go to the Gents’ Section upstairs and browse around there. I will call you when I finish shopping and you can come to the billing counter near the entrance…”

So – I went to the Gents’ Section to have a look at the clothes.

Half an hour later my wife called me on my mobile – so I went down to the billing counter.

My wife looked at the bags in my hand. 

She pointed to the bags in my hand and asked me: “What is all this…?”

“I bought some clothes for myself…” I said, “And what about you..? What did you buy…?”

“I bought nothing…” she said.

“What…? You bought nothing…? I thought you wanted to buy “Kurties”, “Trousers”, Dresses”…!” I said.

“I didn’t like anything…” she said.

My wife watched in amazement as the bill was being made for the items I had bought – Three Trousers, Five Shirts, Two Neckties, One Belt, Handkerchiefs, Socks – and even one Tweed Jacket.

“Are you crazy…? Why have you bought all these things – why so many Trousers, Shirts – and a Jacket…? Do you need so many clothes…?” my wife asked me.

“I liked them – so I bought them…” I said.

She gave me a look of exasperation.

It’s funny, isn’t it…?

My wife wanted to go shopping – and she bought nothing.

I went along as her “consort” – and I bought so many things.

In the Navy – after a Gunnery Shoot – we ascertain the “result of the engagement” – how many “hits” – how many “misses” – etc.

In this shopping episode – the “result of engagement” for my wife was ZERO – and for me – I had “hit” many targets – 3 Trousers, 5 Shirts, 2 Neckties, 1 Jacket, 1 Belt, Handkerchiefs, Socks etc. etc. etc.

This happens every time we go shopping.

My wife is the one who wants to shop.

But – I am the one who ends up “shopping”.

AFTERTHOUGHT  

Most husbands don’t like to take their wives for shopping.

I am different.

I love to take my wife out for shopping.

But – my wife doesn’t like to come for shopping with me.

In fact – she dreads going out shopping with me.

I wonder why…? 

VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:
All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

  

Haute Couture “Lingerie” – The “Nightie”

When I joined the Navy in the 1970’s – I was a purinatical simpleton – and – this resulted in some rather amusing incidents. 

Here is one such story from my memorable Navy Days...

HAUTE COUTURE “LINGERIE” – THE “NIGHTIE” 

Romantic Memories of my Wonderful Navy Days

A Fictional Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE 

MY SHIPMATE’S GLAMOROUS WIFE

I was – and maybe I still am – an old fashioned prude – and – I am a bit puritanical by nature.

Let me tell you a hilarious anecdote – a result of my rather prudish behaviour – which happened long back when I was in the Navy.

It was the evening of the Navy Ball – the much awaited grand finale of the Navy Week in Mumbai (then called Bombay).

It was decided that all ship’s officers who did not live in the Navy Township (NOFRA) would assemble with our wives in the home of a shipmate who lived in NOFRA near the Navy Command Officers Mess – the venue of the Navy Ball.

We could park our scooters/motorcycles near his house.

(Yes – those days most Navy officers had scooters/motorcycles – and could not afford cars)

We would then all walk down to the Command Mess Lawns for the Navy Ball.

Accordingly – my wife and I reached my shipmate’s house half an hour before the commencement of the Navy Ball.

Some officers and wives were already there – some trickled in – and our shipmate had generously opened a bottle of rum – and told us to help ourselves while they got dressed.

My shipmate came out of his bedroom smartly dressed in the distinctive Navy Uniform Dress No. 6 – “Monkey Jacket” – Bow Tie – Miniature Medals – Cummerbund – and all.

He said his wife was getting ready.

It was almost time for the Navy Ball.

We were anxiously waiting for his wife to get ready.

After some time the bedroom door opened – and my shipmate’s wife stepped out.

I was most disappointed to see that she had still not got ready.

“What is this, Ma’am? The Navy Ball is about to start and you are still in your underwear...?” I blurted out. 

“Underwear...?” my shipmate’s wife said – looking at me with an expression of total shock. 

I realized my mistake – so I said: “Sorry – I meant to say “Lingerie”. We are getting late and you are still in your lingerie...”

“Lingerie”...?” she gasped in astonishment – it seemed as if she was even more stunned. 

Maybe I had used the wrong word again – so I corrected myself – and I said to her: “Actually – I meant to say “Nightie”...” 

When she heard the word “Nightie” – I could see her shock turn into anger.

She was looking at me with blazing eyes.

She pointed towards the skimpy dress she was wearing – and she shouted at me: 

“You are calling this a “Nightie”...? This is a “haute couture” designer dress. Do you know how much money I spent on this exclusive custom-made dress...?” 

“Haute Couture...?” I mumbled.

I had never heard the term “haute couture” before.

I looked at my shipmate’s wife with regret in my eyes – and – I put on a contrite expression on my face. 

She was looking at me in a strange sort of way – as if thinking something in her mind.

After some time – I saw the expression on her face change from anger into anxiety.

And soon – the expression on the face of my shipmate’s wife changed drastically – from anxiety – the expression changed into one of panic.

My shipmate’s wife looked at my wife – then – she looked at the other ladies – and my shipmate’s wife said in panic: “Tell me – is this dress really looking so bad...?”

After that – my shipmate’s wife burst into tears – and she ran back into her bedroom.

The fact of the matter was that my shipmate’s wife was very chic and fashionable.

She had got this most fashionable skimpy western style dress exclusively “made-to-order” from a top designer (“haute couture”) especially for the Navy Ball.

Being an old-fashioned simpleton prude – I thought my shipmate’s wife was wearing a “Nightie”.

I did not realize that it was not a “nightie” that she was wearing – but an exclusive “haute couture” latest fashion skimpy dress – which she had got specially made for her by a leading fashion designer.

My wife gave me a glaring look and she told me to disappear – lest I say or do something even more stupid – that would further aggravate matters. 

Then – my wife and the other ladies went inside to console my shipmate’s wife.

It was decided that all the gentlemen would proceed for the Navy Ball – and – the ladies would join later.

I apologized to my shipmate: “I am very sorry – I did not mean to insult your wife.”

“Oh, come on – forget it,” my shipmate said, “In fact – after hearing your comments – I almost burst out laughing myself.”

“But your wife must be angry with me...?” I said.

“Don’t worry – she’ll be okay – she spent a fortune on that designer dress – that is why she is so upset...” he said.

Later – the ladies joined us in the Navy Ball.

My shipmate’s wife was the centre of attraction in her “haute couture” skimpy fashionable dress.

Indeed – she looked very sexy in her alluring dress.

I wanted to apologize to her for my earlier “faux pas” for calling her lovely “haute couture” dress a “nightie”.

I wanted to tell my shipmate’s wife that she looked very sexy in her exquisite new dress.

But – my wife had given me strict instructions to keep my mouth shut.

So – I kept my mouth shut – and – I did not compliment my shipmate’s wife on how chic and glamorous she was looking in her gorgeous “haute couture” dress.

EPILOGUE

Many years later – my wife was shopping in the Ladies’ Garments Section of a famous Mall in Pune.

I was just hanging around.

Suddenly – I saw the same chic and fashionable lady – my ex-shipmate’s glamorous “haute couture” wife – standing near me. 

She looked as fashionable and tip-top as ever. 

I wished her.

She smiled back.

“My wife is in the trial room...” I said.

“Oh...? I must meet her...” she said.

I looked at elegant “haute couture” lady – and I said: 

“Ma’am – I want to ask you a favour...”

“Sure...” she said. 

I pointed to the colourful “nighties” hanging nearby on a rack – and I said to her: 

“Ma’am – if you don’t mind – can you please help me select a “Nightie” for my wife – she likes “half nighties” – short “nighties” – like these “nighties” over here on this rack...”

My ex-shipmate’s stylish “haute couture” wife burst out laughing – and she said to me: 

“These are not short “Nighties” – these are “Kurties” – or “Tops” – but – they are certainly not “Nighties” – and – by the way – these are not “Lingerie” either – Ha Ha – so many years have passed – but you are still as clueless as ever – aren’t you...?”

I smiled at her. 

She started laughing.

I joined her in her laughter.

I knew that she had forgiven me for my “faux pas” on that Navy Ball Evening – many years ago.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

  

Updated Re-Post of my Story titled FAUX PAS First Posted by me Vikram Karve in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Blog in April 2014 at 4/26/2014 08:09:00 PM at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/04/faux-pas-hilarious-memories-of-my.html and in Nov 2014 at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/11/my-shipmates-chic-wife-hilarious.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/06/humor-in-uniform-chic-haute-couture.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/01/nightie.html  and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/08/poodlefaking-haute-couture-navy-wife.html etc