Humor in Marriage – “Shopping” with “Better Half”

Humor in Marriage

“WISDOM” FROM A “MUCH MARRIED” HUSBAND

HOW TO GO SHOPPING WITH YOUR WIFE by VIKRAM KARVE  

Disclaimer:

1. Please read this apocryphal story only if you have a sense of humor. This yarn is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh. And yes, this story is for mature broad-minded adults only – so if you are a kid, or an overly gender sensitive type, please skip this post.

2. Please note that this story is set in 1982 – 37 years ago – when gender equations and social mores were quite different from today’s milieu.

3. This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

“SHOPPING” WITH “BETTER HALF”  

PROLOGUE

When I got married – I had no prior experience of marriage – since it was my first marriage.

Since I had ZERO girlfriends before my marriage – I was totally innocent about relationships with girls.

Till my marriage – I had no prior experience in how to cohabit with a girl.

In fact – I did not even know how to interact with a girl.

I was a total “novice”.

It was the same with my newly wedded wife too – she was just 21 – and – she had lived a rather purist life.

And suddenly – one day – we – my wife and I – two “inexperienced” souls – we got married.

After our wedding in Pune – we went to live in our tiny one room apartment in the Curzon Road Residential Complex – called “Curzon Road Apartments” – located mid-way between Connaught Place and India Gate on Kasturba Gandhi Marg in New Delhi.

This story happened 37 years ago – in 1982 – in the early inchoate days of our marriage.

“SHOPPING” WITH “BETTER HALF”

Fiction Short Story

By

VIKRAM KARVE

“I don’t know how to tell you – but I need something urgently…” my newly-wedded wife said.

“Sure…” I said, “What do you want to buy so urgently…?”

“Innerwear…” she said.

“Innerwear…?” I asked, “But it’s still summer season…”

“Lingerie…” she said.

“Lingerie…?”

“Underclothes – underwear – I mean – undergarments…”

“Oh – you want to buy “Bras and Panties”…” I said – comprehension dawning on me pretty fast.

“Yes…” she said, “the same thing…”

“Why are you feeling so shy…? For men – what we call “Vest and Underwear” – for women – it’s “Bras and Panties”. But – tell me – why do you need “Bras and Panties” so urgently…?

“I seem to have forgotten to bring that packet of the new “Bras and Panties” which I had bought just before our wedding…”

“No Problem…” I said, “I know the best shop for “Bras and Panties”…”

“You know the best shop for “Bras and Panties”…? How do you know all this…?” my wife asked, curious.

“Observation…” I said, “I walk the streets – I drive around a lot – and – I observe…”

Soon – we were outside the “Bras and Panties” shop.

My wife got off the scooter – and she started walking towards the “Bras and Panties” shop.

I parked the scooter – and I followed my wife inside.

“Why have you come in…?” my wife asked me.

“Just to have a look around…” I said.

“I think you should wait outside…” my wife said.

But – a salesgirl interrupted our conversation – and she asked my wife what she wanted.

So – my wife started talking to the salesgirl.

Dear Reader – I have already told you that I like to “observe” – I am “curious” by nature – and – I have a “thirst” for learning new things.

So – I remained in the background – observing the proceedings.

The salesgirl was showing “bras” to my wife.

Soon – there were plenty of “bras” on the glass top of the showcase – and my wife seemed unable to make up her mind on which “bras” to select.

Being a “supportive” husband – I decided to help my wife.

“Why don’t you take a “trial”…?” I said to my wife.

“Trial…?” she said, looking confused.

“You must always “try out” clothes before you buy them…” I said.

“I know my size…” she said.

“More than the size – the “fit” is important – clothes must be comfortable – especially “underclothes” like “Bras and Panties”…” I pontificated.

I saw my wife’s cheeks turn crimson – and she was looking at me angrily.

“Madam…?” the salesgirl said to my wife.

“I will come later…” my wife said to the salesgirl.

Then – my wife said to me: “Let’s go home…”

The salesgirl seemed perturbed about losing a customer – so she said to my wife: “Madam – we have a room where you can take a trial. Please come with me…”

“No…” my wife said.

“Please Madam…” the salesgirl pleaded.

The beseeching tone in the salesgirl’s voice seemed to have soothed my wife’s anger – so – she went along with the salesgirl to the “trial room”.

This gave me an opportunity to enhance my knowledge on “Bras and Panties”.

So – I walked around the store – looking at the display windows and showcases.

The staff at the store was most helpful – and the salesgirls were most happy to answer all my “intelligent” doubts arising from my “thirst” for knowledge.

Dear Reader – I will not go into details of the “Question and Answer” sessions I had with the salesgirls – but – it was a most enlightening and educative conversation for me – there was so much to learn about “Bras and Panties” – so many “aspects” – Types, Cup Sizes, Styles, Shapes, Fits – a most fascinating subject – an entire science in itself.

My wife seemed to have taken my advice seriously – and was taking her time in the “trial room”.

The moment my wife came out – I asked her: “Did you like any Bras...?”

“Yes…” she said.

“And – Panties...?”

“Yes – Yes – Yes…” she said angrily.

“Very Good…” I said – happy that the “Bras and Panties” shopping expedition was a success.

But – instead of being grateful and thanking me – the moment we left the shop – my wife said angrily to me: “I am never going to come shopping with you again…”

My wife tried her best to avoid coming with me for shopping.

But – sometimes – she had no choice – and she had to come with me for shopping.

Firstly – my wife could not drive a scooter.

Later – when we got a car – she could not drive the car too.

She tried a lot – but even today – she can’t drive a scooter or car.

So – she has no choice but to take me along as a “driver” (and “porter”).

Secondly – owing to my keen sense of observation – I knew the best places for shopping for particular items.

Later – after the advent of malls – my wife would tell me to browse books in the bookstore – while she did her shopping in the mall.

Recently – when we visited our favourite mall – we saw that the bookstore had shut down.

So – I tagged along with my wife to the garment store in the mall.

My wife wanted to buy “Kurties” (Tops) – so – as a devoted and loving husband – I was sincerely trying to help her select “Kurties”.

But my “ungrateful” wife did not seem to appreciate my sincere efforts.

“Please don’t hang around here in the Ladies’ Section…” she said to me, “You go to the Gents’ Section upstairs and browse around there. I will call you when I finish shopping and you can come to the billing counter near the entrance…”

So – I went to the Gents’ Section to have a look at the clothes.

Half an hour later my wife called me on my mobile – so I went down to the billing counter.

My wife looked at the bags in my hand. 

She pointed to the bags in my hand and asked me: “What is all this…?”

“I bought some clothes for myself…” I said, “And what about you..? What did you buy…?”

“I bought nothing…” she said.

“What…? You bought nothing…? I thought you wanted to buy “Kurties”, “Trousers”, Dresses”…!” I said.

“I didn’t like anything…” she said.

My wife watched in amazement as the bill was being made for the items I had bought – Three Trousers, Five Shirts, Two Neckties, One Belt, Handkerchiefs, Socks – and even one Tweed Jacket.

“Are you crazy…? Why have you bought all these things – why so many Trousers, Shirts – and a Jacket…? Do you need so many clothes…?” my wife asked me.

“I liked them – so I bought them…” I said.

She gave me a look of exasperation.

It’s funny, isn’t it…?

My wife wanted to go shopping – and she bought nothing.

I went along as her “consort” – and I bought so many things.

In the Navy – after a Gunnery Shoot – we ascertain the “result of the engagement” – how many “hits” – how many “misses” – etc.

In this shopping episode – the “result of engagement” for my wife was ZERO – and for me – I had “hit” many targets – 3 Trousers, 5 Shirts, 2 Neckties, 1 Jacket, 1 Belt, Handkerchiefs, Socks etc. etc. etc.

This happens every time we go shopping.

My wife is the one who wants to shop.

But – I am the one who ends up “shopping”.

AFTERTHOUGHT  

Most husbands don’t like to take their wives for shopping.

I am different.

I love to take my wife out for shopping.

But – my wife doesn’t like to come for shopping with me.

In fact – she dreads going out shopping with me.

I wonder why…? 

VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:
All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

  

Pune Memories – Strolling Down Main Street

A few days ago – I strolled on Main Street (MG Road) Pune Camp with Foodie Friends. 

And – I remembered this memoir I had written many years ago (in the year 2006) after a stroll on Main Street. 

Yes – I wrote this article after a stroll down Main Street more than 11 years a go in the year 2006 – while recalling memories of my earlier Pune days.

Nowadays – in Pune – most people – especially youngsters – prefer to visit Malls – for shopping – or – even for “loafing” and to have a good time. 

But – in the “good old days” – before the advent of “Mall Culture” – Punekars went to two neighbourhoods for shopping (or just for a stroll) – Laxmi Road in the heart of Pune City – or – Main Street (MG Road) in Pune Camp.

By the way – I observed that many things had changed since I wrote this story 11 years ago in the year 2006.

Strolling Down Main Street (MG Road) Pune Camp (Circa 2006)

A Travel Memoir

By

VIKRAM KARVE

Pune – the Queen of the Deccan – in the 1960s and 1970s – was indeed a “paradise” – one of the best places to live in.

Life was good. 

It was easy to be happy. 

The threshold of our happiness was so low that it was very easy to be happy.

We lived on Tilak Road – in Sadashiv Peth – and one of our most enjoyable highlights was the occasional visit to Pune Camp – to see the latest Hollywood Movie in royal style relaxing on those unique “Easy Chairs” at the inimitable West End Cinema – relishing tasty mouth-watering bites and soothing thirst-quenching sips at the Soda Fountain during the interval.

This was followed by a leisurely stroll on Main Street (MG Road) and East Street, window-shopping, “bird-watching” and snacking – nourishing fulfilling satiating continental dishes at Greenfields – maybe a browse at Manney’s Bookstore – and then – a hearty Chinese meal at Kamling or Chung Fa – or a Mughlai repast at Latif’s – or Punjabi Food at Kwality – Biryani at Dorabjee or George – or Sizzlers at The Place (the first Sizzler Place in India) next to Manney’s. 

The icing on the cake was a Meetha Masala Pan at George to carry home with us the lingering flavour and fragrance of the delightful evening.

Let me take you back in time – to those glorious days. 

So come with me – Dear Reader – and let’s start from the West End of Main Street – and stroll down memory lane.

Opposite West End there is Cafe Naaz – so let’s go in and relish those delectable Mutton Samosas, Bun Maska and refreshing Irani style Chai.

A few years later – Naaz split into two – a Non-Veg Naaz at the original location – and a Veg Naaz at the other end of the building – towards George. 

“Liberalisation” and “Globalisation” took its it toll – and in due course – the Non-Veg Naaz was replaced by a Barista – and then the Veg Naaz by a shoe store. 

Even the original iconic West End Cinema with its soda water fountain and reclining chairs has disappeared – and in its place we have a huge hotel.

Greenfields – the delicious breakfast place at the other end of Main Street has disappeared too.

Next we stop at Pasteur Bakery – for here we are going to sample their signature Almond Macaroons – wonderful, divine, scrumptious crisp crunchy crust, sumptuous rich moist chew, the lingering heavenly flavour of almonds, luxuriant sweetness, supreme, unforgettable, unsurpassed, fantastic – the best Macaroons I have ever tasted.

And then – there is the one and only Marzorin next door for Chicken Rolls, Sandwiches and Cold Coffee. 

I am so happy that Marzorin still retains its friendly character and is still going strong, becoming better each day. 

The signature dish of Marzorin is the Chicken Roll – it is matchless. 

I have tasted Chicken Rolls all over the place but there is nothing like the lip smacking one served by Marzorin – generous boneless pieces of delicious chicken – the lip smacking mayonnaise – and the soft mellifluous roll yummy treat I love it. 

If you are vegetarian – try the slightly tangy tomato and green chutney vegetable sandwiches – and wash it down with a cold coffee.

Well that’s what we “Old Fogies” always did in the good old days – and still do – whenever we visit Marzorin. 

Now – there are many more delightful options – and comfortable seating upstairs – and friendly atmosphere in the balcony – where you can sit and observe the goings on below – while enjoying your snack. 

I like the hot bakes – especially the Bean Bake Chicken or Cheese, Macaroni, and Spaghetti with the zesty sauces. 

And – of course – there are all kinds of excellent Burgers, Rolls and Sandwiches, including whole wheat versions for the health-conscious foodies.

“Health-Conscious Foodie” – now that’s a nice oxymoron – isn’t it…?

The chillers are exciting too Kool-Blue or Green Apple on a hot and sultry afternoon. 

And there a variety of juices, shakes, and ice creams to choose from. 

You can try what you want, everything is appetizing and tasty, but remember, in Marzorin you must relish the Chicken Rolls, vegetable sandwiches and Cold Coffee for old times sake. 

And don't forget to take a yummy parcel for the folks at home…!

A bit ahead, across the road – there is Mona Food – whose delicious fulfilling chola bhatura is still unsurpassed.

But – Mona Food is no longer the simple, unpretentious, no-nonsense value-for-money eatery it once was – but it is still worth a visit so we will relish those delectable chole bhature some other time – we want to keep our appetite for dinner, isn’t it…?

So let’s build up an appetite – and just stroll on Main Street – past Needlewoman, D. Phillips, Imperial Hosiery, Footwear, Clothes, Sports, Stores and Shops of all kinds – window-shop and “bird-watch”. 

The old faithful die-hards still patronise these stores – but the youngsters prefer shopping in the glittering Malls proliferating all over Pune.

But – before we decide where to go for dinner – let’s not forget to get those peerless Shrewsbury Biscuits, Wine Biscuits, Chocolate Walnut Cake and Cheese Papri from Kayani Bakery – and my favourite irresistible Sev Barfi from Bhavnagari Sweets.

Hungry…?

In a mood for some delicious Chinese food. 

Okay – let’s go to Kamling on East Street.

Kamling...? 

Hey – where’s that...? 

Those days – Kamling was the best Chinese Restaurant in Pune – famous for its signature pork dishes (especially the sweet and sour pork) – and inimitable American Chopsuey. 

Despite the fact that Kamling was patronised by number of distinguished personalities and famous film stars – it always remained a down-to-earth affordable restaurant.

Snap to the present. 

Kamling has vanished – and in its place there is Mayur Dining Hall where you can savour an excellent Vegetarian Thali (BTW – someone told me that Mayur Dining Hall has re-located a few metres down East Street)

And many other heritage places have disappeared too – like Naaz, Greenfields and the West End Soda Fountain – and Lords – which was the best tailoring shop in Pune.

But – many like Pasteur, Marz-o-rin, Mona Food, Dorabjee, Chung Fa, Sizzlers, Burger King, and George are still going strong – and Main Street still hasn’t lost its captivating charm. 

Some eateries like Olympia on East Street, which served delectable kababs and rolls, have transformed into new avatars.

I want to have a leisurely “heritage” meal. 

I decide to head for Dorabjee. 

So I walk leisurely towards Sarbatwala Chowk till I reach Dorabjee and Sons.

I dive in through the low entrance of Dorabjee’s and look around.

The eatery is crowded, with noisy families bashing away regardless greedily devouring the heaps food before them.

The mouth-watering aroma, and the sight of the appetizing food, creates in me such ravenous pangs of hunger that I quickly sit on the only vacant table and order a Mutton Biryani – the signature dish of Dorabjee.

As is the hallmark of authentic speciality cuisine restaurants the menu is select just a few choice dishes a single page.

There’s Sali, Curry, Masala and Biryani in Mutton and Chicken – Kheema, Brain, Eggs – and combinations thereof – cutlets in gravy – and a few Veg dishes – for appearance sake.

On Sunday afternoons – you can have Dhansak – maybe on your way to the races in the season. 

I spoon some Biryani onto my tongue, seal my lips, close my eyes, turn my senses inwards with full consciousness to imbibe and savour the unique medley of juices released by the succulent piece of mutton, the bitterish-sweet taste of the slightly burnt crisp fried onions, and the spicy flavoursome rice.

It is superlative delicious authentic cuisine at its best.

Dorabjee serves the best heritage mutton biryani in Pune – no doubt about it.

Yes – Blue Nile, George and Good Luck serve good heritage Biryani too – and now there are many new high-falutin places in Pune – which serve good biryani too – but the charm of these heritage eateries remains. 

I don’t know why it is so – but it appears that – of late – the unpretentious Blue Nile is trying to masquerade as an upscale restaurant – the quality of the biryani is certainly not what it used to be.

But Dorabjee still remains the same – as if time has stood still.  

The fervent atmosphere of the place and exquisite quality of the food is such that one can eat enthusiastically, with wholehearted zest and gusto – not apologetically and self-consciously – as one tends to do, trying to be prim and proper, in posh upscale restaurants. 

Yes – at Dorabjee – you can enjoy every morsel of your food with passionate ardour; not apologetically and self-consciously, as one tends to do, trying to be prim and proper, in highfalutin restaurants 

(Now – they have a Cafe on the top floor of Dorabjee Departmental Store that also serves Biryani – but - for the authentic Dorabjee Biryani – you will have to visit the original Dorabjee restaurant)

And – as I reach blissful satiety I realize that a well-filled stomach radiates a kind of spiritual happiness.

The ideal way to end this rich spicy repast is to cool it off with a Falooda. 

Falooda is to Mutton Biryani what Mastani is to Mutton Kolhapuri.

So – I walk down Sachapir Street, cross Main Street, and head for Badshah on East Street to down a deliciously sweet and chilled Rose flavoured Royal Falooda. 

(On the way I pick up some Sev Barfi from Bhavanagri Sweets) 

And then – as I told you – I relish the heavenly Royal Falooda at Badshah on East Street.

Of course – what better way to conclude the nostalgic food walk than with a Meetha Masala Pan at George Pan Wala to carry home with you a lingering flavour and delightful elevating fragrance. 

(Next time - I will visit George Restaurant for its Biryani and Continental Dishes)

Pune may have changed – and the “food district” may have shifted to Koregaon Park – but heritage institutions like Dorabjee, George, Kayani in Pune Camp – and a few heritage eateries in Pune City still preserve the flavour of yesteryear Pune.

But these are a few exceptions – as everything seems to be getting “standardized” – and Pune’s unique culinary culture and landmark heritage foodie institutions are slowly vanishing.

Pune – the “Oxford of the East” – the “Queen of the Deccan” – the salubrious “Pensioners Paradise” – a city which once famous for its laid back lifestyle, lovely charm and unique identity of its own – is fast metamorphosing into a faceless metropolis. 

Yes – like most places – Pune is losing the unique identity which was its hallmark – and – is metamorphosing into a faceless metropolis. 

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

This is a repost of my article written more than 11 years ago in 2006 and posted online earlier at urls: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2011/02/living-in-pune-down-memory-lane-food.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2011/08/yesteryear-pune-strolling-down-main.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/03/strolling-down-main-street-pune-travel.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/12/pune-memories-strolling-down-main-street.html etc