WIFE SWAPPING versus HOUSE SWAPPING - Humor in Uniform

HUMOUR IN UNIFORM

An apocryphal yarn from my “Humour in Uniform” Archives – once more – for you to read and have a laugh – and – as food for thought to ponder over...

WIFE SWAPPING versus HOUSE SWAPPING
Hilarious “Memoir” from my Delightful Navy Days
A Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE

BUM JOBS – “Jack of all Trades and Master of One”

Whenever I sit back and reflect over the timeline of my life and ask myself which were the best days of my life, there is only one answer – My Navy Days. 

I will never forget those glorious Navy days – the best period in my life.

My early days in the Navy – in the 1970s and 1980s – were indeed the happiest days of my life – no doubt about it. 

The Navy was an exciting place to be in.

Life was good and there was never a dull moment. 

Something was always happening, and I came across a variety of unique personalities – yes, exciting situations and inimitable characters.

Young officers were expected to “Jack of all Trades and Master of One”. 

Unlike most of our civilian counterparts – we were not put into a professional straitjacket – but we were encouraged to develop multifarious skills and “Officer Like Qualities” (OLQ) which resulted in a well-rounded personality. 

Hence – during the early years of my career in the Navy – I had to do a lot of “bum jobs” like Mess Secretary, Wine Secretary, Food Catering and Snack Bar Manager, Officer in Charge Poultry and Piggery, Officer in Charge of Dairy and Grow More Food Farms, Officer-in-Charge CSD Canteen, Sports Manager, Finance, Audit and Accounts (Accountant), Librarian, Event Manager and Organizer of all sorts of events ranging from Parties and Balls to Melas and Fleet Family Days. 

These jobs were in addition to our professional work and we were expected to excel in both our professional and extra-curricular duties.

In the Navy – you have to do everything they tell you to do.

And by the way – you have to do it for free - you do not get paid for all the “bum jobs” you do.

HOUSE SWAP

Once I had a friend – a fellow naval officer – who often accompanied me on my morning walks.

He was doing the “bum job” of “Quartering Officer” – and his task was to allot houses – and deal with all housing matters.

One morning he told me the story of a fellow naval officer “R”.

And since I knew “R”quite well – he asked me to speak to “R”.

But – before I tell you the story – let me give you a bit of background of the navy accommodation scene those days.  

There was a rule that a you could ask for a change of house after you had lived in a particular house for six months. 

In the Navy – there is a perpetual shortage of married accommodation – especially in big stations like Mumbai. 

Owing to the acute shortage of accommodation – it took more than one year to be allotted your proper entitled accommodation. 

Sometimes it took even more time – and you had to wait for almost 2 years before you got your authorised married accommodation.

A tenure in a station was about three years.

So most officers just continued to stay on in whatever house was allotted to them for the remaining one or two years till they were transferred out. 

Only if there were very serious problems – did someone ask for a change of house – since relocating was quite a laborious and painful task.

Changing your house is like going on a transfer.

Relocation involves a lot of hassles like shifting your bag and baggage – disconnection and connection of electricity, cooking gas, telephone etc – informing one and all of the change of address – change of school bus for the kids – and getting the house done up etc. 

So everyone preferred to stay on in whichever house they were given till they were transferred out.

However – my fellow naval officer “R” was different. 

He meticulously applied for a change of accommodation the moment he had spent the minimum mandatory period of six months in a house.

Yes – “R” wanted to swap his house every 6 months.

Actually – he was so lucky to have been allotted a lovely sea facing flat on Marine Drive.

But the moment 6 months were over – he applied for a change of accommodation.

“Why?” I asked him, “You have the best place. It is near your office, your kids’ school bus picks them up from your doorstep, it is so well connected, and look at the fantastic location – the best in Mumbai…”

“My wife does not like the house. She says there is too much noise from the traffic. She wants a change,” he said.

He was allotted a house in Malabar Hill – an independent bungalow. 

Everyone said he was so lucky to get a huge mansion in a prime locality.

After six months – he again asked for a change of accommodation.

“Why?” I asked him, “Last time you changed because of the traffic noise. I am sure the bungalow must be quiet and peaceful.”

“That’s the problem. My wife is fed up of the silence and she complains that she feels too lonely. There are no neighbours, no friends.”

Then they allotted him a house in a multi-storey apartment block in the main navy residential township (NOFRA) – where there would be plenty of neighbours and friends and all the navy social facilities.

Six months later – he again applied for a change of house. 

He told me that his wife said the place was too crowded and there was no privacy.

This went on and on – as his wife was never satisfied with any house. 

She always found some fault or the other with whichever house was allotted to him.

WIFE SWAP

When he applied for a change of house for the sixth time – I could not contain myself any longer.

So – I bluntly told him:

“Listen to me. Don’t bother changing your house every time. Instead of changing your house – just change your wife…”

“Change my wife...? What nonsense are you talking...?” he asked.

“You swap your house every 6 months – instead of doing that – you just swap your wife once – and you will never feel like swapping your house again – because – with a good wife – any house will be a good house – and with a nitpicking wife like yours – even the best house will be like hell…”

“R” was furious when he heard my suggestion. 

He never talked to me after that. 

But – someone told me that “R” did heed my advice – and now he never asks for a change of accommodation.

Dear Reader – think about it. 

Harmony is the sine qua non for a happy and content life. 

It is inner peace that matters. 

If you want to enjoy music – even the best and most expensive music system is useless if your mind is disturbed. 

But if you are at peace with yourself – you can enjoy music even on a simple radio – like I enjoy those melodious oldie-goldies on Vividh Bharati on my simple cell-phone radio.

If you feel unhappy and frustrated – or if you are unable to enjoy the feast of life to its fullest – then you must introspect – and get down to the root cause – instead of trying out short term peripheral quick-fix solutions. 

The anecdote I related about the house may have been in a lighter vein – but it is profound in meaning:

If you don’t like your “home” – just change your “wife” 

Yes – if repeated “home swaps” do not give you the desired results – maybe you need a ”wife swap”

Hey – I mean this is a metaphorical sense – so don’t  take my advice literally... LOL ... !!! :)

HOW TO HAVE A HAPPY HOME

In the apocryphal story I told you – it was the wife who was the impediment in making the house a happy home.

In the Navy – for married officers and families – we had “A” Type (entitled accommodation) – “B” Type (hired accommodation) – and “C” Type (dilapidated barrack type temporary hutments).

In Vizag – there was a terrible ramshackle block of “C” Type barrack accommodation appropriately nicknamed “Death Row” – and only those who survived there (including yours truly) know the harrowing time they had in the hot summers with temperatures around 45 degrees and the continuous nauseous stink from the sewage drains nearby.

Despite this – there were many “happy homes” out there in these horrendous “C” Type barrack.

Conversely – there were many “unhappy homes” in the comfortable “A” Type houses in the elite Naval Park. 

A good spouse – marital harmony – can make even a dilapidated house a “happy home”.

On the contrary – marital discord can make even a luxurious palace seem miserable.

This story can be interpreted in the metaphorical sense.

And the metaphor of “wife” can be something else – anything which makes your home unhappy.

Now that you know the secret of how to make your home a Happy Home.

With good positive vibes – any House can be a Happy Home. 

In case your house is not a happy home – all you have to do is find out the reason – or the root cause of what is causing those negative vibes.

Then just eliminate or mitigate the root cause – and make your house a happy home.

And – on a broader level – I have told you the sine qua non of how to enjoy the feast of life too.

Once you are in a state of inner peace – you will be in harmony with yourself – and even the smallest pleasures will make you happy. 

On the contrary – if you are in a disturbed state of mind – then even the greatest pleasures will not give you joy.

VIKRAM KARVE

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Disclaimer:

1. This story is a spoof, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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Revised version my my article written by me in the year 2010 and posted online be me Vikram Karve earlier in this Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve Blog earlier in Oct 2011 and Dec  2012  at urls: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2011/10/my-wife-does-not-like-my-house.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/12/change-your-wife.html