HUMOUR IN UNIFORM
Unforgettable Characters I Met in the Navy
THE CRAZY COMMODORE – Part 3
THE BOOTLICKER COMMANDER AND RUM RAJ
An Apocryphal Story
By
VIKRAM KARVE
Continued from THE CRAZY COMMODORE Part 1 and Part 2
Disclaimer:
1. Please read this
story only if you have a sense of humour. This is a spoof, a work of fiction.
So first convince yourself that you have a sense of humour and only then read
the yarn and have a laugh. No offense is meant to anybody.
2. This story is a fictitious
yarn. It is a work of fiction. The characters do not exist. The
characters and incidents are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons,
living or dead, is purely coincidental.
NB:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.
Copyright © Vikram Karve - all rights reserved
THE CRAZY
COMMODORE – Part 3
THE STORY OF THE BOOTLICKER COMMANDER AND RUM RAJ – an apocryphal
story by Vikram Karve
Having successfully completed my “initiation”
I sat in front of the Commodore along with a Commander who had also reported
recently (apparently he had been “initiated” earlier as he had already worked
with the Commodore in a previous appointment).
I was waiting for the usual motivational mumbo
jumbo – the customary navy sermon on hard-work, the “service before self”
motto, or, maybe, an “inspiring” moral lecture on devotion to duty, diligence
and sincerity.
Instead, the Commodore asked us: “Have you
made your liquor cards?”
“No, Sir,” the Commander said, “I have just
come to Delhi last week.”
“You better go to the CSD canteen right now
and get your liquor card made fast,” the Commodore told the Commander.
“Yes, Sir,” the Commander said.
Then the Commodore looked at me and said,
“You also do the same thing. It is very important to have a liquor card,
especially here in Delhi.”
I wondered why the Commodore was interested
in the fact whether we had liquor cards or not.
Maybe the work here was so tough that we
would require a few drinks in the evening to de-stress and unwind.
Soon, our duties were allocated.
Surprisingly, I had been given an independent
assignment, though I was an Assistant Director, whereas the Commander was asked
to look after day-to-day office administration, euphemistically called “coordination”,
though he was a Deputy Director.
(Those days, in the “Uniformed Babudom” of the “Northern Naval
Command”, the Head of a Directorate was a Captain or Commodore who was called
Director, Commanders were Deputy Directors and Lieutenant Commanders /
Lieutenants were Assistant Directors. Sometimes, there was an additional
Captain and he was called Joint Director. However, we are a feudal society
obsessed with rank and status, and the uniformed bureaucracy is in constant
“competition” with the civilian bureaucracy for one-upmanship and these designations
were suitably “upgraded” after various cadre reviews and new ones like
“Principal Director” were created – the whole thing is quite confusing and whether
all this has achieved anything or improved working efficiency, I really do not
know)
Coming back to our story, probably the Commander
was rankled by this “unjust” allocation of duties, so he protested, “Sir, I am
senior and have been given Coordination which should be done by an Assistant
Director.”
The Commodore looked at me and said, “Okay,
you look after Coordination in addition to your duties.”
This was going to be quite a heavy burden –
my regular duties plus coordination – so I asked the Commodore, “Sir, you want
me to look after coordination in addition to my duties?”
“Yes, you will do both the jobs,” the
Commodore said.
The Commander had been hoping to get my job.
But now, it appeared that he had been
rendered jobless.
So, looking confused, the Commander asked the
Commodore: “Sir – what should I do?”
“I have thought of something new for you –
Special Projects – you will be DD (Special Projects),” the Commodore said.
The Commander seemed to be happy about his
new “prestigious” designation – it was only after a few days that he realized
that “Special Projects” was a euphemism for “Bum Jobs”.
I will not go into the details of these “bum
jobs” because you may not believe me, but it will suffice to say that the
Commander was reduced to being the full-time lackey of the Commodore.
I marveled at the quick-wittedness and
ingenuity of the Commodore.
In a flash of a moment he had killed two
birds with one stone.
Firstly, he had satisfied the Commander’s “grievance”
by giving him a high-sounding designation.
And, secondly, he had also created a
glorified batman (“sahayak”) for himself (I doubt whether any Army Officer can
boast of a “sahayak” of the rank of Lieutenant Colonel).
As the adroit Commodore observed the keenness
of the eager-beaver Commander to please the Commodore, he started using the
Commander for all his personal work.
We felt surprised that Commander seemed quite
happy at being the Commodore’s flunky.
Once, in our presence, when his course-mate
asked him that if he did not feel humiliated doing such demeaning work, the Commander
replied, “What to do? It is all for a good ACR. I know this Commodore well – if
you unquestioningly do whatever he tells you to do, then he gives you an
excellent ACR, otherwise he can be quite stingy. I have served with him before
and let me tell you one thing – it is only because of him that I am a Commander
today. If it were not for the thumping ACRs he gave me, I would never have
become a Commander.”
(Those were the pre-AVS Cadre Review days when Commander was a
select rank)
His last statement was true.
He should have never become a Commander.
It seemed that “The Peter Principle” had not
worked in his case and he had been promoted well beyond his level of
competence.
His bootlicking ways continued to pay him
rich dividends and he managed to rise to even higher ranks.
One day the “Bootlicker” Commander called me
to his office and asked me, “Why haven’t you given your liquor card to the
Commodore?”
I did not reply.
There was no way I was going to surrender my liquor
card – my lifeline to happiness and joy.
Those were my glorious drinking days – my halcyon
navy days when drinking and eating were my main epicurean passions.
Yes, those days, I was such a passionate
drinker that I would have gladly handed over my identity card rather than my
liquor card!
I tried to avoid answering, but the Commander
said, “You can give your liquor card to me – now I am handling all those
affairs.”
“Sir, I can’t give you my liquor card,” I
said firmly.
“But the Commodore desires…”
“Then let him desire…”
“What do you mean by that?” the Commander
said angrily.
“Sir, I am a heavy drinker and I require my
full monthly liquor quota – I can’t spare anything,” I said.
“I will have to report this to the Commodore,”
he threatened.
“Sir, please tell me – why does the Commodore
want our liquor cards – is he an alcoholic or something?” I asked.
“Alcoholic? The Commodore is a teetotaller –
he does not touch alcohol,” the Commander said.
“Then why does he want my liquor card?” I
asked.
“Why don’t you understand? This is Delhi. We
have to keep the Babus happy,” the
Commander said.
“I don’t understand,” I said.
“Once in a while, we have to give a bottle or
two to the Babus so that they clear
our files quickly.”
“But isn’t that their job?”
“Yes, but the guys at the ministry can always
raise queries, delay, stonewall, and hold up files – and, after all, the ACR of
our boss depends on how fast he can get proposals cleared by the ministry.
That’s why he is doing so well – he has got a fantastic reputation that he can
get anything sanctioned fast – he can get approvals cleared quickly, whereas
his counterparts keep going round in circles. With so many Commodores sweating
it out for promotion, it is very stiff competition to become an Admiral – and
our boss surely wants to be the first in his batch to become an Admiral. So
what’s the harm in a bit of mamool, a
bottle here or there, to lubricate the system and speed up things? Out here in
Delhi, if you the Babus happy then
you do well. We must to be loyal to our Commodore – if he does well, then he
will be happy and we will all do well too.”
“Sir, military quota liquor is not meant for
civilians – it is written on each and every bottle that this liquor is for
consumption of defence personnel only,” I said.
“Shut up! Don’t think you are too damn smart.
I know all this,” the Commander said angrily, “If you want to be dogmatic and
not cooperate, I will tell the Commodore about your obstinate behaviour – but let
me tell you that this rigid attitude will not help you in your career.”
Thereafter, no one asked me for my liquor card,
but from time to time the Commodore used to comment that drinking was not good
for health.
Meanwhile, I felt ashamed whenever I saw the
Bootlicker Commander toadying in an obsequious manner before even minor civilian
babus ostensibly to “get the work
done”.
It hurt me to see how unbridled ambition had reduced
him into a disgusting ass-kisser with no self respect.
One day the Commander came to my office and asked
me: “Have you got your liquor card with you?”
“Sir, I told you …”
“No. I don’t want your liquor card. I want
two bottles of whisky, a bottle of rum and some bottles of beer – I want this
booze for myself,” he said.
“For yourself?” I asked, taken aback.
“Yes. I want the liquor for myself. I am
having a party at home. And my monthly quota on my liquor card is exhausted giving
bottles here and there. So I was wondering if you could spare a few bottles
from your quota,” he pleaded.
I did not know whether I should laugh or cry.
“Sure Sir,” I said, “whatever you want.”
His lips smiled at me – but his eyes said it
all.
VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve
Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.
Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
Disclaimer:
All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
NB
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.
Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
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About Vikram Karve
A creative person with a zest for life, Vikram Karve is a retired Naval Officer turned full time writer and blogger. Educated at IIT Delhi, IIT (BHU) Varanasi, The Lawrence School Lovedale and Bishops School Pune, Vikram has published two books: COCKTAIL a collection of fiction short stories about relationships (2011) and APPETITE FOR A STROLL a book of Foodie Adventures (2008) and is currently working on his novel and a book of vignettes and an anthology of short fiction. An avid blogger, he has written a number of fiction short stories and creative non-fiction articles on a variety of topics including food, travel, philosophy, academics, technology, management, health, pet parenting, teaching stories and self help in magazines and published a large number of professional and academic research papers in journals and edited in-house journals and magazines for many years, before the advent of blogging. Vikram has taught at a University as a Professor for 15 years and now teaches as a visiting faculty and devotes most of his time to creative writing and blogging. Vikram Karve lives in Pune India with his family and muse - his pet dog Sherry with whom he takes long walks thinking creative thoughts.
Vikram Karve Academic and Creative Writing Journal: http://karvediat.blogspot.com
Professional Profile Vikram Karve: http://www.linkedin.com/in/karve
Vikram Karve Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/vikramkarve
Vikram Karve Creative Writing Blog: http://vikramkarve.sulekha.com/blog/posts.htm
Email: vikramkarve@hotmail.com
AMAZON
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005MGERZ6
SMASHWORDS
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/87925
Foodie Book: Appetite for a Stroll
If your are a Foodie I am sure that you will like my book of Food Adventures APPETITE FOR A STROLL. Do order a copy from FLIPKART:
http://www.flipkart.com/appetite-stroll-vikram-karve/8190690094-gw23f9
About Vikram Karve
A creative person with a zest for life, Vikram Karve is a retired Naval Officer turned full time writer and blogger. Educated at IIT Delhi, IIT (BHU) Varanasi, The Lawrence School Lovedale and Bishops School Pune, Vikram has published two books: COCKTAIL a collection of fiction short stories about relationships (2011) and APPETITE FOR A STROLL a book of Foodie Adventures (2008) and is currently working on his novel and a book of vignettes and an anthology of short fiction. An avid blogger, he has written a number of fiction short stories and creative non-fiction articles on a variety of topics including food, travel, philosophy, academics, technology, management, health, pet parenting, teaching stories and self help in magazines and published a large number of professional and academic research papers in journals and edited in-house journals and magazines for many years, before the advent of blogging. Vikram has taught at a University as a Professor for 15 years and now teaches as a visiting faculty and devotes most of his time to creative writing and blogging. Vikram Karve lives in Pune India with his family and muse - his pet dog Sherry with whom he takes long walks thinking creative thoughts.
Vikram Karve Academic and Creative Writing Journal: http://karvediat.blogspot.com
Professional Profile Vikram Karve: http://www.linkedin.com/in/karve
Vikram Karve Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/vikramkarve
Vikram Karve Creative Writing Blog: http://vikramkarve.sulekha.com/blog/posts.htm
Email: vikramkarve@hotmail.com
Twitter: @vikramkarve
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
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