How to Review Restaurants – Navy Style

FOOD REVIEW – NAVY STYLE

HOW TO REVIEW RESTAURANTS

Here is my “Food Review Guide” on “HOW TO RATE RESTAURANTS” once more on popular demand

HOW TO RATE RESTAURANTS

A Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE

This happened nearly 38 years ago in the 1970’s during my early days in the Navy.

We were sitting in our ship’s wardroom enjoying our first drink of the evening – when some shipmates peeped in and asked me: “Hey – we are thinking of going to ‘XXX’ restaurant for dinner…”

“…3 Large…” I said.

My shipmates promptly downed 3 Large Pegs of Whisky each – and then proceeded for dinner to ‘XXX’ restaurant in the heart of Mumbai.

I was – and I still am – an avid ‘Foodie’.

During my early navy days – I was lucky to be appointed on ships based at Mumbai – which gave me great opportunity to explore the culinary delights of the best foodie city in India.

If you have read ‘food reviews’ – you will notice that most restaurant reviewers rate restaurants on a scale of 1 to 5 – with 5 meaning ‘Excellent’ – 4 (Very Good) – 3 (Good) – 2 (Average) – and – 1 (Poor).

These food reviewers consider various parameters like food, service, ambience etc to rate a restaurant (and some even give sub-ratings for each parameter).

Some restaurant reviewers use ‘stars’ instead of numbers – but it is basically the same rating system.

My restaurant rating system is different.

I rate restaurants on the number of Pegs of Booze (Rum/Whisky) you are advised to imbibe before proceeding to eat food in the restaurant.

Yes – I rate restaurants on a scale of ‘0’ to ‘6’ (Zero to Six) – ‘0’ Pegs’ to ‘6 Pegs’ (Zero Pegs to 6 Pegs) to be precise

Of course – the ‘Peg’ referred to is a ‘Large Peg’ – which is ‘60 ml’ of Rum/Whisky.

And yes – this rating mainly applies to Indian Cuisine.

It is my experience that alcohol does not go well with Indian Cuisine which is highly flavorsome.

Alcohol dulls the taste buds, and olfactory sensation, and encumbers the unmitigated enjoyment of good food.

‘0’ Large (‘Zero Peg’) Restaurant

So – if you are going to have an authentic Indian ‘Pure Vegetarian Thali Meal’ prepared hygienically with pure ingredients in clean surroundings – you will ruin the eating experience if you drink alcohol before, or along with, this pristine food.    

This will therefore qualify for a ‘0’ Large or ‘Zero Peg’ rating.

‘6 Large’ Restaurant

On the other hand – hard-core street-food – like oily spicy greasy mutton curry prepared in most unhygienic earthy manner and eaten in noisy, crowded, polluted, filthy surroundings.

Such ‘robust’ food which requires a ‘cast iron stomach’ to digest and fit only for a seasoned trencherman – will qualify for a ‘6 Large’ rating.

You have got the drift – haven’t you?

‘Zero’ Large to ‘6 Large’ Restaurant Rating Scale

At one end of the scale (‘Zero Large’) was delicate refined pristine food to be savoured by the high-falutin gourmand.

At the other end of the scale (‘6 Large’) was fiery robust earthy food fit only for a tough trencherman.

My shipmates were going to a ‘3 Large’ eatery for Mutton Biryani in the heart of the city.

There was a ‘2 Large’ eatery nearby too which served a more “refined” biryani.

And – of course – there were a few ‘5 Large’ street-joints where you got earthy “Kababs” and “Bheja” dishes too.

In my entire life – I have rated only one eatery with the top ‘6 Large’ rating – and I have never dared to go there again.

Of course – I have eaten in many ‘pristine’ restaurants which qualified for a ‘Zero Large’ rating.

‘Zero Large’ to ‘6 Large’ Food Rating Scale Works for Home Cooked Food

Later – I started applying this ‘0’ to ‘6’ “Large” rating whenever someone called me home to dinner.

Those days – I was known to be a passionate drinker.

We had been invited to dinner at a friend’s place – and my friend was surprised when I declined his offer of my favourite ‘Rum-Pani’ drink.

“You don’t want a drink…? What’s wrong with you…?” my friend asked me.

“Nothing is wrong with me. Your wife is such an excellent cook – I visited the kitchen – and I have seen in the kitchen all the delicious dishes she has made for dinner – so I don’t want to spoil my eating experience by drinking alcohol…” I said, “Your wife’s cooking has the best ‘Zero Large’ rating...”

Another friend’s wife overheard our conversation – and she gave me an angry look.

She had called us for dinner a few days ago – and I had downed 5 Large Pegs of Rum at her place before daring to sample her cooking.

In fact – after tasting her ‘mutton curry’ – I had insisted on ‘one more drink’ – yes – it was truly a mutton curry worthy of a ‘6 Large’ rating…

So – Dear Foodie – the next time I ask you to rate a restaurant – please don’t give me numbers – just say anything from ‘Zero Large’ to ‘6 Large’ – say – ‘3 Large’ – or – ‘4 Large’ – and I will know how many large pegs of Rum/Whisky to imbibe before I go there.

Moot Question:

You may ask me: “Why do you limit the restaurant/food rating to ‘6 Large’...?”

Simple.

‘6 Large’ pegs is nearly half a bottle of Rum/Whisky.

If you drink more than ‘6 Large’ pegs of Rum or Whisky – after drinking so much alcohol – your senses will be dulled – and the taste buds on your tongue will hardly be able to discern the taste of the food you are eating. 

Happy Eating – and – ‘Hic’ – make sure you imbibe the appropriate number of pegs of booze as per the rating – before you head to eat out...

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This article is a spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

This article was written by me Vikram Karve in May 2015 and posted earlier in this blog at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/05/food-review-how-to-rate-restaurants.html and re-posted at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/07/food-review-guide-art-of-restaurant.html

TALK TO ME

TALK TO ME

A Story

By

VIKRAM KARVE

“Talk to me…” he said.

“What is it…?” his wife said.

“I want to talk to you…” he said.

“Please – don’t spoil my mood in the morning – I am getting late for work,” she said.

“But I want to talk to you,” he said.

“Okay – what is it…?” she said, irritably.

“I am feeling depressed…” he said.

“Not again – ‘your problem is that you have no problems’ – you sit at home all day doing nothing – an empty mind is the devil’s workshop – why don’t you take up that job they are offering you…?” she said.

“I don’t want to that job – I don’t want to do any job – I was a Colonel in the Army – and just see the humiliating jobs they are offering me…” he said.

“Then what do you want me to do…?” she said.

“Talk to me…” he said.

“Not now – I am already late – please let me go to work…” his wife said.

And soon – the old man’s wife left for work.

The old man picked up his mobile cell-phone and called up his son.

“Talk to me…” the old man said to his son.

“Dad – are you crazy – do you know what time it is out here…?” the old man’s son said from New York, “it is almost midnight – you have woken me up from my sleep…”

“But I want to talk to you…” the old man said.

“Please Dad – I have had a very hard day – I am extremely tired and I want to sleep – I will call you when I wake up in the morning – after 7 hours…” the old man’s son said, and he disconnected the phone.

The old man called up his daughter – who lived in Australia.

His daughter was in her office – it was a busy afternoon – and she was about to go for an important meeting – when she her mobile cellphone started ringing – and she saw that her father was calling from India.

“Yes, Dad…?” the old man’s daughter said, impatiently.

“I want to talk to you…” the old man said.

“Not now, Dad – I am really very busy in office – I am on my way to a meeting – I will call you after a few hours – when I get home in the evening…” the old man’s daughter said.

She disconnected the call – put her smartphone on ‘silent’ mode – and hurried for the meeting.

The old man sat all alone in his house – feeling terrible.

Earlier – he would talk to his pet dog – but now – even his pet dog was dead and gone.

The old man called up his ex-Army buddy – but found his mobile ‘switched off’.

Maybe – his ex-Army buddy was lecturing in the Business School where he went quite often to deliver lectures.

The old man called up another ex-Army buddy – a coursemate – but his mobile phone was ‘out of coverage area’.

Maybe – his coursemate was playing golf.

The old man felt miserable – as gloomy thoughts perambulated in his mind – despondency overwhelmed him – and pushed him further into deep depression.

The old man desperately wanted to talk to someone and unburden himself of his woes.

As a last resort – the old man decided to talk to his nephew – who was a psychiatrist.

The old man dialed the psychiatrist’s mobile number – no one picked up – but – in response – the old man received an SMS asking him to call a landline number.

The old man dialed the landline number.

A lady – probably a receptionist at his nephew’s clinic – picked up the phone.

“I want to talk to Dr. ‘X’ …” the old man said.

“Are you an existing patient…?” the receptionist said.

“No – I am his uncle – I want to talk to him urgently…” the old man said.

“Sir – I will give you an appointment in the evening…” the receptionist said.

“Not in the evening – I want to talk to him right now…” the old man said.

“Sorry, Sir – Dr. ‘X’ does not see any patients in the morning…” the receptionist said.

“I am his bloody uncle…! I want to talk to him right now…! Do you understand…?” the old man shouted.

“Please, Sir – Dr. ‘X’ is conducting the weekly clinical update now – and he has told us that he is not to be disturbed – why don’t you come in the evening, Sir – I will give you an appointment at 6 PM – that is the only slot available today – please tell me your name, Sir…” the receptionist said.

“I told you that I want to talk to him right now…” the old man yelled.

The receptionist disconnected the phone. 

The old man could bear it no longer.

He got out of his flat, entered the lift and went down to the ground floor.

The old man desperately wanted to talk to someone – but everyone seemed busy.

Even the security staff at the gate looked busy – the guards were busy checking visitors and vehicles – and the supervisor was making entries in registers.

The old man walked to the security supervisor and said: “Give me the terrace key…”

“Why do you want it, Sir…” the supervisor asked the old man.

“I want to jump from the terrace and commit suicide…” the old man shouted at the supervisor.

The supervisor thought that the old man was being sarcastic.

Maybe – the old man wanted the terrace key to adjust his DTH TV Antenna – which he had done a few days ago.

So – the supervisor gave the old man the terrace key – and made an entry in his register.

But – the old man wasn’t being sarcastic – he had meant every word of what he had said.

The old man went up to the terrace of the high-rise building – and he jumped off the terrace – his body hurtled down 150 feet onto the road below.

The old man died instantly – the moment he hit the concrete road below.

EPILOGUE

A few days later – they held a condolence meeting for the old man.

While condoling the sad demise of the old man – someone said: “It is a mystery why the old man committed suicide – he had absolutely no problems – and even if the old man did have problems – he should have talked to someone…”

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

What is Good Biryani – 5 Tests

If you walk around Pune – you will find that a “Biryani House” has mushroomed at every nook and corner.

Most of these eateries serve a spicy medley of meat and rice which they pass off as “Biryani”.

This reminds me of a foodie article I had written many years ago on “How to Test a Biryani”.

So – next time you eat a Biryani – test it – to see if it is a Good Biryani.

BIRYANI

Five Essential Qualities of a Good Biryani

Foodie Self-Help

By

VIKRAM KARVE

Nowadays – instead of authentic Biryani – I have seen many restaurants trying to pass off pulaos (and various other medleys and potpourris of meat and rice) as Biryani.

Pulao is not Biryani.

Pulao is prepared by cooking the ingredients together.

In a Biryani the rice and meat are cooked separately – then assembled in layers – and given a “dum”.

How do you evaluate a Biryani?

What are the qualities of a good Biryani?

Let me delve into my Foodie Writing Archives and pull out this article I wrote 15 years ago, during my Mumbai days, on TESTING and TASTING a BIRYANI, and post it once more for your perusal.

Happy Biryani Eating

THE PERFECT BIRYANI

Tasting and Testing

By

VIKRAM KARVE

A plate of mouthwatering Biryani is placed in front of you.

On first impressions, how do you judge a Biryani…?

Well, as far as I am concerned, there are five basic tests you must carry out to assess a Biryani.

FIVE TESTS TO JUDGE A BIRYANI

Test No. 1

SPREAD TEST

First try the “Spread Test”.

Pick up a little Biryani in your fingers and sprinkle it on the side dish.

The grains of rice must not stick together but remain separate. 

The pieces of meat must be succulent, clear and dry, not greasy, and easily separate from the rice.

A good Biryani will easily qualify the spread test.

Test No. 2

AROMA TEST

Lift the plate of Biryani and smell the pieces of meat. 

The Biryani must be pleasantly aromatic and you must be able to discern the delicate sweetish fragrance and appetizing mouthwatering aroma of marinated spices.

The aroma must not be overpowering, sharp or piquant. 

The Biryani must pass the “aroma test” with flying colours as there is nothing more appetizing than a mouthwatering aroma…!

Test No. 3

TASTE TEST

Taste the meat, ideally mutton. 

The meat must be well-cooked, flavoursome, succulent, delicious.

Then roll some rice on your tongue – the subtle flavour and taste of the spices must mildly and pleasantly come through, and must not be overpoweringly spicy, greasy or pungent.

Test No. 4

POTATO TEST

Now you come to the fourth test – the “Potato Test”.

Dig deep and search for the potato in the Biryani.

The potatoes must taste as scrumptious as the meat – that is the hallmark of a superlative Biryani.

And if there is no potato – well dear fellow foodie, tell me, can there be a perfect Biryani without a potato which tastes as delicious as the meat…?

Test No. 5

TEMPERATURE TEST

Finally – here is the fifth test for Biryani. 

Has it been served at the right temperature with light aromatic steam coming out from the rice?

Do you feel the warmth on your tongue when you eat the inner part of the mutton?

 

THE PERFECT BIRYANI

 

So – the next time a plate of Biryani is put in front of you – before you eat it – do carry out these simple five tests – and tell us all about it.

Did the Biryani pass all the tests with flying colours? 

Is it a perfect Biryani? 

Or – is it a greasy potpourri of rice and meat – or a Pulao – masquerading as a Biryani?

HAPPY EATING

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. These are my personal views based on my personal experience. Please do your own due diligence while testing a Biryani.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

This is an updated and revised version of my article on HOW TO JUDGE A BIRYANI written be me Vikram Karve more than 15 years ago in the year 2000 and posted online earlier in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Blog on 30 Nov 2010 at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2010/11/biryani-how-to-judge-biryani-four-tests.html and reposted a number of times in my various blogs at urls http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2011/05/perfect-biryani-tasting-and-testing.html etc