Humor in Uniform – Wit and Repartee

HUMOR IN UNIFORM  

While I was surfing on Facebook – a familiar face suddenly popped up – it was the “Prima Donna Commander” – a unique unforgettable character I met in the Navy – famous for his wit and repartee.

And – I remembered this story from my Vizag Dockyard Days. 

Do you think that all Defence Officers are “Yes Sir, Yes Sir, Three Bags Full Sir” Type Bootlickers...?

Many civilians feel that the Defence Services are full of “Yes Sir, Yes Sir, Three Bags Full Sir” type of officers who blindly obey their superior officers. 

This may be so – but I have seen many exceptions – like the “Prima Donna Commander” – who had a fantastic gift of the gab – and he lost no opportunity to have a go at everyone – especially senior officers.

Dear Reader – Let me delve into my Humor in Uniform archives and pull out this amusing anecdote for you.

This story happened around 27/28 years ago – in the late 1980s/early 1990s or thereabouts, I think.

Have a laugh... 

THE “PRIMA DONNA” COMMANDER AND THE “CLUELESS” COMMODORE

A Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE

The Navy is a great place.

You come across all types of individuals.

During my long service in the Navy – I met a number of unforgettable characters.

How can I forget the “Prima Donna Commander” (a truly witty officer who always electrified the atmosphere with his piercing wit and repartee). 

Also – how can I forget the “Clueless Commodore” (who made our lives miserable thanks to his workaholism).

And – how can I forget this banter between the “Prima Donna Commander” and the “Clueless Commodore”...

Here is a story featuring both of them.

THE STORY OF THE “PRIMA DONNA” COMMANDER AND THE CLUELESS COMMODORE

(A Spoof By Vikram Karve)

Once upon a time – long long ago – the “W” department of a Naval Dockyard considered itself numero uno  – and the “W” department had become a law unto itself – a Dockyard within a Dockyard – and its Head – the hot-shot “Prima Donna Commander” – thought himself to be the ultimate “cats whiskers”.

Professionally – the “Prima Donna Commander” was highly competent – no doubt about it – very efficient in his job – and he was a linguist too – a truly multilingual officer – proficient in over 10 languages – Indian and Foreign.

Highly intelligent – an impatient man always in a hurry – the “Prima Donna Commander” was a real eager beaver go-getter – a typical Type “A” personality – who could not suffer fools gladly.

Unfortunately for the “Prima Donna Commander” – his boss – the General Manager (GM) – a senior Commodore – was professionally quite clueless – slow at decision-making – and he wanted everything explained to him in detail – again and again.

The GM’s style of working irritated the “Prima Donna Commander” – so he bypassed his GM (the “Clueless Commodore”).

So – the hot-shot “Prima Donna Commander” interacted directly with the bigwigs in the Command Headquarters – and he got quick decisions directly from Senior Staff Officers at the Headquarters (HQ).

One morning – the GM (“Clueless Commodore”) was hugely embarrassed in front of the C-in-C (a Vice Admiral) – as he seemed clueless about what was going on his own Dockyard – whereas the Headquarters Staff Officers were updated – and the HQ Staff Officers “educated” the GM in front of everyone about the happenings his own Dockyard.

This was – predictably – thanks to the one-upmanship of the “Prima Donna Commander”.

The furious GM came back to his office – and he called a meeting of all Managers.

As usual – the “Prima Donna Commander” did not turn up for the meeting saying that he was busy.

The Commodore sent his Staff Officer to personally summon and escort the “Prima Donna Commander” to the GM’s Office.

After the “Prima Donna Commander” arrived – the GM read the riot act to all of us.

The Commodore specifically warned us to follow the proper hierarchy channel – and we were ordered not to bypass the chain of command.

Predictably – the “Prima Donna Commander” got into an argument with the “Clueless Commodore”.

Finally – the Commodore lost his temper – and he shouted at the Commander: 

“Where I sit – this is the GM’s chair. You come and sit here – and you will know how it feels like – sitting here on this chair…”

The moment the Commodore finished his sentence – the “Prima Donna Commander” quickly got up from his seat.

Then – the “Prima Donna Commander” moved swiftly – and – he walked across – and he stood behind the Commodore.

“What are you doing...?” the bewildered Commodore asked the “Prima Donna Commander”.

The “Prima Donna Commander” said loudly to the Commodore:

“Sir – I want to know how it feels like – sitting on the GM’s chair...” 

“What...?” the bewildered Commodore exclaimed.

The “prima donna Commander” gestured to the Commodore to rise and vacate the GM’s chair – and he said to the “Clueless Commodore”: 

“Sir – Please let me sit in your chair – I really want to experience how it feels like – sitting on the GM’s chair...” 

EPILOGUE

The “Prima Donna Commander” got promoted to Captain in his first shot.

But – he never occupied the GM’s Chair.

He quit the Navy a few years later to seek greener pastures abroad – and – someone told me that he was doing extremely well over there as an entrepreneur in the “civvy street”.

Had the “Prima Donna Commander” remained in the Navy – he would surely have achieved Flag Rank.

The “Clueless Workaholic Commodore” literally burnt midnight oil till his last day of service – making everyone miserable – till he finally retired as a Commodore – having failed to make it to Flag Rank. 

So – Dear Reader – if you think all officers in the Defence Services are obsequious “Yes Sir, Yes Sir, Three Bags Full Sir” type Bootlickers – think again...!!! 

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This yarn is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh. 

2. This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

Updated Version of Story First Posted by me Vikram Karve in this blog at 2/11/2014 02:44:00 PM at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/02/humor-in-uniform-prima-donna-commander.html  and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/10/humor-in-uniform-unforgettable.htmland  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/05/humor-in-uniform-are-all-officers-yes.html

Are You “Married” to your Job

ARE YOU “MARRIED” TO YOUR JOB...? 

A Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE 

“MARRIED” TO THE NAVY

I once knew a very ambitious Naval Officer.

He was a total careerist and he had no other interests.

His favourite line was: “I am Married to the Navy”.

He would have been happy to remain a bachelor all his life and focus all his attention totally on his Naval career and achieve his sole aim of becoming an Admiral.

But his parents insisted that he get married.

So he agreed to see a girl.

He honestly told the girl about his career ambitions.

He clearly told her that his Navy career would come first above everything else.

He made it clear that even his family would be secondary to his career.

And he emphatically quoted his favourite dialogue: 

“I am Married to the Navy”.

The girl liked this career-conscious officer mainly since he did not have any vices.

The naval officer was a strict teetotaller and non-smoker – yes – he did not touch alcohol or tobacco – which was a rarity in the Navy those days.

And – even as other major and minor “Naval Vices” were concerned – he was quite unlike most other sailors.  

The girl thought he would change after marriage.

She was sure he would “accommodate” her as the “other woman” in his “marriage” with the Navy.

She was okay with his being married to the Navy – as long as he treated her as his “mistress”.

She was wrong.

This devoted sailor was strictly a “one woman man”.

He was so loyally and devotedly “Married to the Navy” – that he had no time for “other women” like his lawfully wedded human wife.

Fed up of being neglected – she (the “other woman”) walked out of the marriage – so that her husband could devote himself to his “first wife” (Navy).

By the way – in contrast to the above story – I have seen some Navy Wives who actively help their Naval husbands achieve success in their Naval careers by willingly playing second fiddle.

Such ambitious Naval Wives are ready to go to any extent to promote the careers of their husbands.

So – if you are thinking of marrying a Navy officer – of a Military “fauji” officer – remember the moral of this story: 

NEVER MARRY A MAN WHO IS “MARRIED” TO THE NAVY 

In general – Never Marry a Man who is “Married” to his Job.

Also – for Men – Never Marry a Woman who is “Married” to her Job. 

Well – that was the Naval Yarn. 

Now – let me “fast forward” to the present and tell you my “sob story”.

WIFE AND MISTRESS (THE OTHER WOMAN)

Now – I am facing a similar predicament.

Till I was in the Navy I had only one woman in my marriage – and that was my lawfully wedded wife

(Unlike the ambitious careerist Naval Officer mentioned above – I was not “Married” to the Navy).

But ever since I retired from the Navy and I became a Creative Writer and Blogger – I am in a quandary.

Sometimes – I feel the same way as the famous writer Anton Chekhov (a doctor by profession) – who so aptly expressed his dilemma in a letter to a friend:

“Medicine is my lawful wife – and literature is my mistress. 

When I get fed up with one – I spend the night with the other. 

Though it is irregular – it is less boring this way – and besides – neither of them loses anything through my infidelity.”

In my case – ever since I have retired from the Navy – my wife is my lawful wife – and my writing is my mistress.

Or is the other way round?

I really don’t know.

It is difficult to live a dual life.

I have never had a mistress before – so I really do not know how to simultaneously handle a “wife” and a “mistress”.

Ever since I acquired this “mistress” of writing – my wife has started cribbing. 

My wife hates my “mistress”.

But now that I am bitten by the “writing bug” – I love my “mistress” deeply – and I cannot get rid of her.

Of course – I do not want to get rid of my much married darling wife of more than 34 years too.

Maybe my wife may dump me as she hates my writing.

She may give me an ultimatum to get rid of my “writing mistress” – asserting that there can be only one “woman” in a marriage.

I love my wife – and I love my “mistress” too.

Soon I may start writing my ambitious novel – so I will have to devote a lot of attention to my “mistress”.

How will my wife react?

It is going to be a difficult life.

Will I be able to “handle” both my wife and my “mistress”?

Can they both coexist in harmony?

I don’t know what to do.

I seek your advice – especially if you are one of those lucky ones who have the dexterity to simultaneously handle a wife and a mistress (the other woman).

Maybe you have been one of those fortunate ones to have a “girl in every port” – so – you can give me some tips on how to coexist in harmony with a wife and a mistress (the other woman). 

DO YOU LOVE YOUR JOB MORE THAN YOU LOVE YOUR WIFE...?

I always tell my “Married to the Navy” friends that they must always have a “mistress” to fall back upon – because – the Navy is a very unreliable “wife” – who can suddenly “dump” you when you least expect it.

The Navy is a “wife” who expects you to be loyal unto death – but does not necessarily offer you the same loyalty in return.

We have seen so many “Married to the Navy” type officers being unceremoniously “dumped” – Senior Officers, Admirals, even Chiefs.

That is why – instead of being “Married to the Navy” – it is better to be married to your human wife.

And – tell me: 

Isn’t it better to treat the Navy like a “mistress” with whom you can enjoy for as long as you want – and then – you say goodbye whenever you want to and part ways amicably...?

Isn’t it wise to treat your job as a “mistress” or “lover” – with whom you can have a good time – and – then breakup when either you are fed up of your job (or the job is fed up you)...?

Isn’t it dangerous to be “Married to the Navy”...?

There is a Double Risk if you are “Married to the Navy” – or  – “Married to your Job”:

1. Your Human Wife may get fed up of being neglected – and – she may “dump” you.

2. One day – the Navy is sure to “dump” you too (yes – your job is sure to “dump” you one day)

And then – you will be left high and dry. 

(This applies to workaholic women too – who love their jobs more than they love their husbands)

The “moral of the story” is simple:

Workaholics Beware.

Never get “married” to your job.

Treat your job like a “mistress” or “lover” – to enjoy – to have a good time – and then – “dump” or get “dumped” – and move on. 

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This blog post is a spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

This Story was Earlier Posted by me Vikram Karve in this Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve blog under the title I AM MARRIED TO THE NAVY on 17 May 2013 at 5/17/2013 12:36:00 PM at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/05/i-am-married-to-navy.html  and later at urls:  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/03/married-to-navy.html  and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/02/navy-wife-and-other-woman-humor-in-and.html