Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Humor in Uniform – “Lick” and “Kick” Human Resource (HR) Management

Humor in Uniform 

THINGS I LEARNT IN THE NAVY

LICK and KICK Human Resource (HR) Management
Ramblings of a Retired Mind
By
VIKRAM KARVE

LICK and KICK Navy Style HR Management Philosophy

I have conjured up a saying:

IF YOU LICK ME – I WILL KICK YOU

but

IF YOU KICK ME – I WILL LICK YOU

which means that:

IF YOU WANT RESPECT FROM SOMEONE  THEN  YOU MUST TREAT THAT PERSON LIKE DIRT AND CREATE FEAR IN THAT PERSON

Believe it or not  this is the startling lesson I have learnt from my personal experience, especially during my long career in the Navy:  

If you want Respect from a man you must treat that person like Dirt and create a Sense of Fear in him 

Otherwise, people will take you for granted, think that you are weak and they will treat you like dirt and create fear in you.

This is Navy Style Human Resource Management (or HR) in a nutshell for you. 

Just remember this saying:

IF YOU LICK ME I WILL KICK YOU
but
IF YOU KICK ME I WILL LICK YOU.

Strange are the ways of the human mind and one can never understand the mysteries of human nature and the paradoxes of human behaviour. 

There may be many theories of motivation.

But it is a fact that FEAR IS THE GREATEST MOTIVATOR.  

That is why you respect  a person who creates Fear in you – by violence  or by the threat of violence  yes  the mere threat of violence sometimes creates more fear than the actual violence itself.

The Navy, the Army, and all arms of the Military, work on this basic HR Management Tenet: 

FEAR IS THE GREATEST MOTIVATOR  

If you look around you may see this phenomenon in the society around you too  both at the micro level and the macro level too. 

Dear Reader:

Do you agree with the LICK and KICK Navy Style HR Management Philosophy...? 

What are your life experiences...? 

Do comment and let us know. 

VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:
1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)
  

The Martyr – Fiction Short Story

THE MARTYR 
Fiction Short Story
By
VIKRAM KARVE

6:30 AM.

A cold damp rainy morning.

A woman sits on a bench on the solitary platform of Girinagar Railway Station.

She looks at her watch.

Then she looks towards the Railway Track.

She has a worried expression on her face.

The Station Master comes out of his office holding two flags, one green and one red.

He sees the woman and smiles at her.

The woman gets up from the bench and asks the station master: “Is the shuttle late?”

“Yes, the shuttle has been delayed. The express train is being stopped here. The shuttle has been detained at the outer signal and will arrive here after the express train goes away.”

“Oh, My God…!!!”

“What happened?” asks the station master.

“I will get late for school.”

“Is there something important today?”

“Yes. There is an inspection. We teachers have been told to make sure we are present on time.”

“What time do you have to reach?”

“7:30. The normal school time.”

“Oh.”

“I hope I will reach in time,” the woman says anxiously.

“I don’t think so.”

“Why? What happened?”

“Well, normally the shuttle leaves here at 6:25 and reaches the Junction at 7:10.”

“That’s right. And it is just a 10 minute walk down to school. I’ll reach in time even if my train is a few minutes late, isn’t it?”

“Well, I really can’t say. From here to the junction, it is 45 minutes running time for the shuttle train. The express is expected to arrive at 6:45 and will be detained here for about 10 minutes. By the time the shuttle arrives and leaves it will easily be 7 o’clock. Even if it makes up time, the shuttle train will not be able to reach the junction by 7:30. And then, you still have a 10 minute walk to school. I don’t think you’ll be able to make it on time.”

“Oh, My God. I will be in trouble if I am late for the school inspection. It will be so humiliating,” the woman says in an anxious voice with nervousness written all over her face.

“You’ve got a first class pass, haven’t you?” the station master asks.

“Yes,” the woman says.

“Then don’t worry. You can travel by the express in the air-conditioned coach. I will tell the TTE to permit you. The fast express train will take less than 20 minutes to reach the junction and you will be there by 7:15 and you can easily reach your school well before 7:30.”

“Thank you so much.”

“What ‘Thank You’? You are like my daughter. This is the least I can do for you.”

“Why is the express stopping here?” the woman asks.

“The express train is being stopped here for Colonel Ashok,” the station master says.

Suddenly the telephone rings and the station master rushes inside his office.

The woman closes her eyes and remembers the station master’s words:

“The express train is being stopped here for Colonel Ashok”

Those words slice through the woman’s heart like a knife slices through butter.

“So Ashok is a Colonel now. A big shot. Big enough to get the express train stopped for him at Girinagar where even the fast passenger does not halt...” the woman says to herself.

Then the woman is filled with hate and regret.

As the woman remembers her days with Ashok, her thoughts become bitter, and she says to herself: “Had it not been for the scheming bitch Menaka who mesmerized Ashok with her enticing charms and stole him away from me – today – I would been Mrs. Ashok. Yes  it is me who should have rightfully been Mrs. Ashok – I would have been a Colonel’s Wife – a Memsahib.”

Suddenly, the shrill whistle of the diesel engine of the express train disturbs her train of thoughts and the express train arrives on the platform.

The air-conditioned coach stops right in front of her. 

In the door of the coach stands Menaka, Ashok’s wife.

Menaka sees the woman on the platform and smiles at her.

But the woman does not return the smile. 

The woman turns her face away from Menaka.

But the woman furtively looks at the door of the air-conditioned coach with the corner of her eyes trying to catch a glimpse of Ashok.

The big show-off that he is, the woman is sure that Ashok will be all dressed up in his resplendent army uniform strutting like a peacock.

But there is no sign of Colonel Ashok.

Instead she sees a young officer in uniform getting down from the train with Menaka.

Then both of them, Menaka and the young army officer, start walking towards the end of the train.

“Come on, get in fast,” the station master motions to the woman on the platform, pointing his hand towards the door of the air-conditioned coach. 

He says something to the TTE.

The TTE tells her to go inside and sit on Seat No. 30.

She sits on Seat No. 30.

A family – a man, a woman and a small boy sit on the seats around her.

There is a jerk, the tug of the engine, and the train starts moving and picks up speed.

The woman looks at her watch.

6:50.

She heaves a sigh of relief.

She will be well on time for the school inspection.

The TTE arrives to check her pass.

Curious, the woman asks the TTE: “Why did the train stop here?”

“To detach the refrigerated van at the end of the train,” the TTE says.

“Refrigerated van?” the woman asks.

“The refrigerated van was carrying the body of an army officer who died in action and sacrificed his life for the nation. The dead army officer’s widowed wife was sitting right here on Seat No. 30 – the same seat where you are now sitting,” the TTE says.

“Army Officer? Dead?” the woman asks.

“His name was Colonel Ashok,” the man sitting in front says.

“Ashok? Colonel Ashok?” the woman asks with disbelief.

“Yes. The brave martyr’s name was Colonel Ashok. And hat’s off to the courage of the Colonel’s wife. Despite losing her husband the courageous lady was so poised and calm. It is because of the sacrifice of such brave people that we can live in peace … ”

VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:
This Story is a work of Fiction. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.
Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

This is an abridged version of my story first p

I am not a “Vulture” – Story

I AM NOT A “VULTURE
Short Fiction 
By
VIKRAM KARVE 

THE VULTURES - Short Story By VIKRAM KARVE 

The old man was dying in hospital.

Everyone wanted him to die.

Except me.

I was the only one who did not want him to die.

I wanted him to live because I would lose everything if he died.

They wanted him to die because they would gain something from his death.  

Like vultures  circling around their prey  these human “vultures” waited for him to die  so that they could swoop down and grab their pound of flesh.

I did not want anything.

I did not want any “pound of flesh”.

I just wanted my old man to come back to me  hale and hearty.

I dreaded to imagine what would happen to me  if the old man died.

I looked at all the human “vultures” – eagerly waiting to seize their share in the “pie”. 

And – it was a huge pie  because the old man was very rich and wealthy. 

He was a self-made man and had earned all his wealth slogging it out sailing on the high seas for over 40 years.

I did not want any share in the pie. 

I just wanted my old man to live. 

The old man was the only thing I had in this world  and without him  I had nothing to live for. 

I hoped and prayed that this time too it would be a false alarm  like so many times before  and my old man would come back to me hale and hearty  like he always did.

We all waited on the spacious verandah of his majestic bungalow – the old man’s most prized possession – a magnificent mansion on the banks of the Mula river near Wakad with a huge compound enclosing the vast expanse of land. 

The old man had bought the land for a pittance more than 30 years ago  when Wakad was a nondescript remote village in the back of beyond  some distance away from the town of Pune.

On this huge plot of land – he had built a beautiful bungalow on the banks of the Mula River.

The old man loved to be close to nature  and  during his vacations ashore from sea  he had spent his time hiking  and rowing his boat on the river.

Now  everything had drastically changed.

Wakad was now an up-market suburb of Pune and a most sought after destination owing to its proximity of the InfoTech Park at Hinjewadi where thousands of young upwardly mobile overpaid “Techies” (IT Nerds and Software Geeks) worked.

The old man’s bungalow was called Anchorage

Till a few years ago  Wakad was a solitary place.

But  with the advent of the Information Technology and Software Industry in Pune  there was an IT Boom” – which resulted in the “Real Estate Boom” – and there was fervent construction activity all over Wakad.

Soon  the sprawling bungalow was surrounded by posh high rises and residential townships. 

For the last few years so many persons, promoters, builders  even his own kith and kin  had their eyes set on this prime property. 

For them it was an eyesore  a huge undeveloped piece of land in the centre of lucrative real estate.

Over the last few years  so many builders and developers had tempted the old man with the best of deals. 

They offered him the choicest of apartments in Pune and Mumbai. 

They said they would give him hard cash if he wanted  lots of cash. 

They even tried to coerce him  with subtle threats and hints of intimidation.

But the old man would not budge  and he had firmly refused to sell his bungalow.

Only I knew the real reason why the old man did not want to sell his bungalow.

Yes – only I knew why he preferred to live a lonely life in this desolate mansion  rather than shift to the comfort of a modern high-rise apartment in the heart of the Pune.

Some thought he was a shrewd man.

The more he held on to his bungalow, the more the price would increase. 

A few years ago the offers were in Lakhs of Rupees  but today  the price of this prime real estate was worth Crores of Rupees  many crores  maybe 10 Crore  20 Crore  maybe even more.

That was the reason why all the “vultures” had gathered. 

No one was willing to forfeit their share of this bonanza – they were sure to get at least an apartment in the township which would come up here or maybe enough money to buy a flat wherever they wanted. 

And maybe  they would get a share in his wealth too. 

Hardly anyone ever visited the old man in his bungalow  but now as he lay dying in the hospital  so many relatives and well-wishers had appeared out of nowhere.

In fact  they had all rushed to the hospital and crowded the ICU eagerly awaiting the news of the old man’s death  but the doctors had thrown them out of the hospital.

The doctors had allowed no one to enter the old man’s ICU room and sit beside him except his best friend and a long time shipmate  who the old man jokingly called Captain Haddock.

That’s why all of them impatiently waited at the old man’s bungalow in anticipation of  the “good” news.

The old man had been fallen ill many times before  he had been admitted to ICU a couple of times too  he had given them so many false alarms  but this time they hoped that he would die, once and for all.

Suddenly  I saw Captain Haddock’s car enter the porch. 

He got out the car walked towards the verandah.

“What happened?” they all eagerly asked him the moment he entered the verandah, hoping to hear the “good” news.

“His condition is the same.”

“Why don’t they remove life support?” the old man’s son, who had flown down from Delhi asked.

“You go to the hospital and ask them,” Captain Haddock said angrily, “The best doctors in town are being consulted. The top specialist is coming over from Mumbai and if required we will fly your father in an air ambulance to Delhi or wherever required, even abroad, for the best of treatment. We will make all out efforts till the very end to save his life. I have told them not to worry about the money.”

“Not to worry about money? You told them not to worry about money?”

“It’s not your money,” Captain Haddock shouted at the old man’s son, “The hospital bills are being paid from the old man’s own hard earned money. I have a Power Of Attorney for that, so you don’t worry.”

“It’s not that,” interjected the old man’s daughter. She had come all the way from Bangalore.

“It is precisely that,” Captain Haddock said bluntly to the old man’s daughter, “You don’t want money spent on his treatment as you feel that your share will become less.”

The old man’s daughter winced. 

She wanted to talk back  but her husband gestured to her to remain calm. 

The old man’s son-in-law had insisted on accompanying his wife to Pune. 

He had “insider” information from the ICU Intensivist (who had been his classmate in school) that this time it was not a false alarm and indeed the old man was sinking and he was most likely to die.

The old man’s son-in-law feared that his MBA brother-in-law, the old man’s son, who was street smart and cunning, would surely try his best to con them and try to grab maximum share in the old man’s property.

The son-in-law knew that his wife’s older brother was so wily and devious  that he would have no compunctions in cheating his own sister  who was a simpleton Techie  and giving her a raw deal.

I looked at the old man’s biological children. 

They had his blood flowing in their veins. 

And  they wanted him to die.

I did not have the old man’s blood flowing in my veins. 

Yet  I wanted him to live.

At a distance stood a man with shifty eyes.  

He was a real estate developer who was desperate to get hold of the old man’s property. 

He had come, ostensibly, to help out in case any assistance was needed  but he actually wanted to ensure he was at the scene of action and to make sure he did not lose any opportunity. 

He had already talked with the old man’s son  who had assured the real estate developer that he would convince his sister – and the moment the old man died  they would negotiate and strike a deal.

There were many other “vultures” who would come and go, to check whether their “prey” had died so that they would not miss their share of the “feast”.

And there were numerous smaller vultures watching from a distance, their “beaks” in readiness to “peck” at whatever “flesh” remained. 

No “vulture” wanted to miss the opportunity – they all knew that old man was wealthy and prosperous – he had plenty of “flesh” and if they swooped down at the right time they may get lucky.

One “vulture” had an eye on the old man’s booze collection – the choicest liquor from all over the world.

Another “vulture” fancied the rare books in the old man’s library.

One more “vulture” coveted the old man’s vintage automobile.

Yet another “vulture” wanted his paintings, his exquisite art collection, probably worth a fortune.

Some other “vultures” eyed the chandeliers, the artifacts, the curios, the maritime mementos collected by the old man during his voyages around the world. 

Some of these human “vultures” even wanted his antique furniture. 

The old man had a lot of possessions and the “vultures” wanted everything – you name it – and the “vultures” wanted it.

And they all waited for the old man to die.

Except me.

I did not want anything belonging to the old man.

I just wanted my old man – I wanted him to live.

Suddenly Captain Haddock’s cell-phone rang. 

Captain Haddock put his mobile to his ear – and he listened for some time.

Then he just said a soft “Yes” into the phone  and kept the cellphone in his pocket. 

After keeping his mobile phone in his pocket  Captain Haddock gave a poignant look. 

Captain Haddock nodded to everyone – and he began walking towards his car. 

He abruptly he stopped – and turned around – as if searching for someone.

Captain Haddock saw me – and his eyes focused on me.

He looked at me in a sympathetic manner – as if consoling me.

Then  he got into the car and drove away.  

My heart sank. 

I feared the worst. 

I was shattered. 

But there was nothing I could do except wait and pray. 

It was unimaginable agony. 

I wished I would die – rather than be rendered an orphan.

But everything turned out well.

My old man did not die. 

He came home hale and hearty.

On seeing the old man return home hale and hearty  all his “near and dear” ones – his “kith and kin” – were disappointed.

Yes – they were disappointed that the old man had survived and got well.

They all wanted the old man to die. 

Because they are all humans – “vultures” – who wanted to feast on his “flesh”.

I am happy. 

I am happy that my old man survived the illness  and I am happy that he is now hale and hearty. 

I do not want my old man to die. 

I want him to live.

I want my old man to live  because I am not a human being. 

Yes.

I am not a HUMAN BEING

I am not a “VULTURE”

I am a DOG

VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer: 
This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in this story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.
Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

wrote this Story VULTURES in May 2012 and first Posted this story online on my blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve in May 2012 -