Humor in Uniform – Scuttlebutt

Humor in Uniform 

Disclaimer: 

This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

SCUTTLEBUTT

A Fictional Spoof  

By

VIKRAM KARVE

The TASO sidled up drunkenly towards me and said to me: “I’ll tell you something – but – you must keep it to yourself…”

[The “TAS Officer” aka TASO (Torpedo Anti-Submarine Officer) – he was the senior-most “in-living” officer.

With our penchant for changing names – and – in consonance with the increasing “Americanization” of our Naval Culture – TASO was later re-designated as ASWO (Anti-Submarine Warfare Officer)…]

Dear Reader – this story happened 42 years ago – in the 1970’s – when I was serving on a frontline warship of the western fleet.

After a long sailing exercise – we had returned to our base port Mumbai (it was called Bombay those days).

It was the first day of the monsoon – and – it was raining heavily.

The TASO had returned from leave from New Delhi (his hometown).

Normally – the “Deluxe” arrived at Bombay Central (Mumbai Central) at 5 PM – but today – due the heavy rains – the train had arrived 5 hours late- and by the time the TASO had reached our ship berthed in the Dockyard – it was past 11 PM.

I called the “Duty Steward” – I told him to open the Wardroom Bar – and I told him to fry some “Luncheon Meat” as “Small Eats” for the hungry TASO.

(Well – things may be different today – people may be sticky about bar and meal timings – but those days – we treated our ship’s wardroom as our home – and – things were quite informal and comfortable – especially for officers)

The TASO had a bath and arrived in the Wardroom.

I smiled at the TASO.

He smiled back.

The TASO was a good guy – and – despite the fact that he was 5 years senior to me in the rank of Lieutenant – we were good friends.

(Those days – in the 1970’s – after being commissioned as an Officer in the Navy – it took you 3 years to become a Lieutenant – and then – you remained a Lieutenant for 8 long years – before being promoted to the rank of Lieutenant Commander – after a total of 11 years of commissioned service.

Today – you see “greenhorns” – who haven’t yet fully grown their whiskers – strutting around wearing “two and a half stripes” of a Lieutenant Commander – after just 6 years of commissioned service – thanks to the benevolent Ajai Vikram Singh Cadre Review Report aka AVS 2006 – which has reduced the value of senior ranks to subaltern status…)

The Duty Steward placed the plate of Luncheon Meat in front of us.

The Steward asked the TASO: “Sir – would you like a drink…?”

“Take out a bottle of whisky – fill up the ice box – keep a jug of water – and give me the keys to the fridge – in case we want soda or something else…” the TASO said to the Steward.

“Aye Aye, Sir…” the Steward said, “should I tell the cook to make some dinner for you…?”

“No. This Luncheon Meat should be enough. You can secure…” the TASO said to the Steward.

“Thank you, Sir…” the Steward said – he kept everything on the table as instructed – gave us the keys to the fridge – and went away.

We – the TASO and I – we started drinking.

“Sir – did you visit DOP…?” I asked the TASO.

“Of course I visited DOP – that’s the advantage if your home station in Delhi – you can make your “pilgrimage” to DOP at least once a year – maybe twice – when you go on leave…” the TASO said.

(DOP is “Director of Personnel” at Naval Headquarters – who looks after appointments and transfers)

“Sir – any news…?” I asked the TASO.

“I’ll tell you something – but – you must keep it to yourself…” the TASO said.

“Of course, Sir…” I said.

“Our “Old Man” is going on transfer…”

“What…? Our Captain is going on transfer…? So suddenly…?”

“Yes – most unexpected – his normal tenure was for another 6 months at least – but they are pulling him out urgently for a diplomatic assignment…”

“Diplomatic Assignment…? Our Captain is going as NA…?”

“Yes – Naval Attaché – to one of the best countries – a most prestigious appointment.”

“We didn’t know anything about this…”

“No one knew. It happened quite suddenly – just last week. The guy who was supposed to go – he had a severe car accident and is hospitalized with his legs and bones all broken – he will take a long time to be medically fit – so – our boss was chosen…”

“Does our “Old Man” know…? He didn’t say anything…”

“I am sure he knows – but he must be keeping it to himself till everything comes in black and white…”

“Are you sure, Sir…? I asked the TASO.

“Of course I am sure…” the TASO said, “the DOP told me all this in strict confidence. You know how close I am to the DOP, don’t you…?”

“Yes, Sir – you told me that he is your uncle…”

“He is not my uncle – his wife is related to me – she is my cousin sister…”

“Oh…” I said, “Sir – any idea who is the new Captain…?”

“That’s the bad news…”

“Bad news…?”

The TASO looked at me – and he said with a wicked smile: “Brace yourself – our new Captain is going to be “Bum Bandit”…”

“Shit…! “Bum Bandit”…? Are you sure, Sir…?” I asked the TASO.

“100% sure – the DOP told me himself…”

“I thought “Bum Bandit” was “dry listed”…”

“He pulled some high-level strings and got himself “wet listed”…”

“But why our ship…?”

“The first vacancy – our bad luck…”

“So – it’s bad days ahead…”

“Yes – this “Bum Bandit” bugger has a terrible reputation – he is a bloody sadist – he screws the hell out of everyone – literally and figuratively. And just imagine – the bugger is a confirmed bachelor – so – he will be staying on board even in harbour – so our life will be hell 24/7…”

“Hopefully – he will get his own “fags” and “peg boys”…”

“He wanted to – but DOP refused – no crew change…”

“Then – we better steer clear and cover our backsides…”

“Don’t worry – there are plenty of “Sea Dolls” on board for “Bum Bandit” to target…”

“Anyway – we are in for a tough time. We will really miss our “Old Man” – he was a good Captain who ran a happy ship…” 

“He will be leaving next week – the official letter may be issued tomorrow…?

“That’s sad…” I said.

“Let’s kill the bottle and go to sleep…” the TASO said.

So – we polished off the remains of the whisky and hit our bunks.

NEXT MORNING

We were enjoying a hearty Navy style “English” breakfast of porridge, bacon and eggs, sausages, ham, salami etc – when the Captain’s “Doggy” entered the wardroom – he looked at the TASO and said: “Sir – Captain’s Compliments…”

“Now…?” the TASO asked the Captain’s “Doggy”.

“After “Both Watches”, Sir…” the Captain’s “Doggy” said – then he looked at me and said: “You too, Sir…”

30 minutes later – we knocked on the Captain’s Cabin.

“Come in…” the Captain shouted from inside.

We entered – and saluted the Captain.

The Captain shouted at us: “What’s this bloody bilge you are spreading around…?”

We remained silent.

The Captain looked at the TASO and said: “Well – I would love to go on a diplomatic assignment – but – I am going nowhere – I am here to stay as your Captain – whether you like it or not…”

“Sir – we wanted to expose your “spy” in the wardroom…” the TASO said.

“What…? “Spy” in the Wardroom…?” the Captain said.

“Yes, Sir – you seem to know everything that goes on in the wardroom – so we knew you that had a “spy” who was ratting on us…” I said.

“And you have found out who my “spy” is…?” the Captain said.

“Yes, Sir – “Cute Boy” – he was the only other person in the wardroom last night – sitting quietly in the corner watching the late night movie on TV…” the TASO said.

“He was the bloody OOD – it is his job to report things to me…”

“Sir – is he supposed to eavesdrop and come squealing to you…?”

“Shut up…” the Captain said, “Anyway – you buggers leave him alone – he was terrified when he heard the name of the new “Captain” who was going to replace me…”

“Terrified…?”

“You know what happened to him when he was a “Snotty” – don’t you…?”

“No, Sir…”

“I’ll tell you sometime…” the Captain said, “I had half a mind to “log” you buggers – but I’ll let it go this time. Now – stop your bloody antics and get on with your jobs…”

“Aye Aye, Captain…” we said.

Then – we saluted and beat a hasty retreat. 

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh. 

2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

Musings on Writing – Part 3 – Blogging – The Best Way of Creative Writing

BLOGGING – THE BEST WAY OF CREATIVE WRITING

Musings

By

VIKRAM KARVE 

WRITING

Why do writers write?

If you are a writer – you will realize that writers write for two reasons:

1. Some write because they want to earn money (commercial writing)

2. Others get the urge to write because they want to say something (creative writing)

In your case, which is the primary reason why you write?

Are you primarily a Creative Writer or a Commercial Writer?

There was a time when writers could earn enough money to make a living.

That is why writers could afford the luxury of full-time writing (and not doing a job).

But it was difficult to establish yourself as a “published author” since you were at the mercy of editors and publishers.

And only if you could establish yourself as a published author could you earn enough money from your writing to make it a full-time vocation.

It was a Catch-22 situation.

If an editor did not print your writing in a magazine or a publisher did not publish your book you were doomed to failure as a writer.

The print medium (Books and Magazines) were the only ways you could make your writing reach the reader.

Either you had to be a celebrity – or have the right “contacts” in the publishing industry – or get that “lucky break” – or keep peddling your writing doggedly despite getting rejection slip after rejection slip.

Publishers evaluated writing purely from the business point of view.

Your writing had to be “sellable”.

That is why “commercial fiction” is most sought after by editors and publishers.

The combination all these factors is the reason why many “wannabe” budding writers who tried their hand at writing, faced rejection, got frustrated, and fell by the wayside.

And since they could not financially sustain themselves – they had to give up “full time creative writing” and take up other professions to support their passion for writing.

To sum up:

1. Commercial Writers write to Earn Money

2. Creative Writers write because they want to Express their Inner Feelings

Suppose you observe something which stirs emotion within you – do you experience an urge to express your inner feelings – and tell others about it?

Well – you can write about it – in any form – as an article – or better still as a short story or novel.

BLOGGING 

Blogging is writing in digital space.

The traditional paradigm of writing changed with the advent of the internet, proliferation of information technology and innovations like blogging in the “digital space”.

Now, “publishing” is no longer the monopoly of a handful of publishers and the stranglehold of editors is over.

Anyone who wishes to write can instantly “publish” their writing on blogs and showcase their literary work to the world.

I feel that blogging is the biggest “blessing” for those who wish to write, especially creative writers.

Yes, apart from social media, blogging is the most significant innovation of information technology.

Now, with widespread proliferation of the internet, every person has the opportunity to write.

All you have to do is to set up your blog (which is simple and free of cost on a number of popular blogging platforms like blogger, wordpress, typepad etc).

Then, you upload and publish your writings on your blog.

And, instantly, your writing is available throughout the world for people to read.

You feel a sense of “instant gratification”.

And you experience a sense of creative freedom since you have full control on what you want to write on your blog (without any external “editorial intervention”).

By removing the opaque barrier of editor/publisher between the writer and reader, blogging has enabled the reader to connect directly with the writer and facilitated mutual interaction between the two.

Blogging has proved to be a big boon to writers (who write because they want to “say something”).

If you are a writer, blogging is the best medium to satisfy your creative urge and demonstrate your literary skills to the world

Blogging is also of great benefit to readers as it has made so much material available for them to read free of cost.

Apart from blogs, there are many websites which contain a deluge of reading material in the digital space.

Many people have stopped reading printed paper and do all their reading from screens.

Technology has also progressed fast by leaps and bounds.

First you had ebook readers, and then you read on screens of PCs, Laptops and Tablets.

Now you have Smartphones.

Nowadays, people spend more time reading books on Smartphones than they do on tablets, ebook readers, PCs and laptops.

New sophisticated “eReader” applications for reading books on electronic screens are being developed in a big way to offer a superior reading experience on handheld electronic devices, especially mobile smartphones and “phablets”.

Handheld digital screens are edging out paper books

With increasing trend of reading on handheld digital screens (especially smartphones), paper books are being edged out of the market.

The shutting down of many bookstores (including the iconic Manney’s in Pune) and downsizing of bookshop chains (which restrict their stock to recent commercial fiction) bears testimony to the increasing ascendancy of the digital literary space vis-à-vis the traditional print medium.

WILL BLOGGING REPLACE CREATIVE WRITING...?

What does this all mean for budding creative writers?

If you are a new writer then it is better to forget about “publishing” your writing in the print medium.

You will be better off if you start blogging your writing in the digital space.

A few months ago, I met a columnist who used to write columns on topical issues for print newspapers.

He told me that owing to financial considerations, newspapers were becoming thinner, both smaller in size and with lesser number of pages.

Also more pages had to given to commercial features which financially sustain the newspaper like advertisements and sponsored features (“paid news”).

The result was that there was less space for content of columnists and writers.

So the columnist was repeatedly told to keep reducing the length of his article and make it shorter and shorter, till the word count became so less that it was not possible for him to properly express what he had to say.

Finally, things reached a stage where the e-version of the newspaper (in digital space) would carry his full article and the print version would be abridged to fit into the miniscule space available.

So now, the columnist has started blogging where he can write in an unrestricted and unrestrained manner.

Let me tell you about another friend who is a voracious reader.

He travels extensively all over the world as a part of his work and he spends a lot of his time waiting at airports, in hotels or in commuting to and fro to airports.

Earlier he used to carry a book to pass time during these long waits.

Now he carried his Smartphone – he can multitask, he can network, and also read a wide variety of things via the web since internet connectivity has become so easy and accessible.

He regularly reads my blog wherever he is in the world, and he can access literature and information from websites and also read a variety of blogs and writings of his interest.

WHY YOU MUST BLOG

Suppose you observe something which stirs emotion within you and you experience an urge to express your inner feelings and say something, tell others, so you write about it – say, a short story.

In the “good old” pre-internet days, you would send your piece of creative writing, your story, to a magazine for publication.

And then, the agonizing wait would begin.

Some decent editors would acknowledge your contribution, and then let you know of acceptance or otherwise.

Others would not even have the courtesy of acknowledging receipt of your story.

Sometimes, there would be so much delay by the time your story was published that you yourself would have lost interest or the story would have lost its topicality.

It was similar with a manuscript of your book, if you were a new budding author.

Everything depended on the whims and fancies of the all-powerful editors and publishers.

Most unsolicited manuscripts were consigned to the slush-pile and forgotten.

Hapless authors who wanted their writings to see the light of day had no choice but spend time and effort to make the rounds of editorial offices, swallow their self respect and be ready to be pushed around.

Not anymore.

The advent of blogging has changed everything.

Now – the moment you finish writing your story – you can upload it on your blog – and – hey presto – your story will be instantaneously available worldwide for all to read.

Readers will connect with you – just like my friend can read my writing on his Smartphone – wherever he is in the world – he can instantly read my writing the moment I post my stories on my blog.

Today – More People Read on Digital Screens than Paper

The ascendancy of online Digital Literature is an undeniable reality.

It looks like: 

BLOGS ARE IN and BOOKS ARE OUT

Yes: 

DIGITAL LITERATURE IS IN and PRINTED LITERATURE IS OUT

That is why Blogging is the best way to showcase your Creative Writing.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

The above post is an updated version of my post REVOLUTION IN PUBLISHING  –  THE ASCENDANCY OF DIGITAL SPACE posted by me on this blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal on Saturday, September 28, 2013 Posted by Vikram Karve at 9/28/2013 02:53:00 PMat url: 

http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/09/revolution-in-publishing-ascendancy-of.html  and http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2015/02/blogging-best-way-of-creative-writing.html

Musings on Writing – Part 2 – Creative Writing

CREATIVE WRITING

The Story of a Writer and his Wife

By

VIKRAM KARVE

A woman got married to a writer.

Unlike other husbands, her writer husband did not go out to work to an office.

The writer “worked” from home.

After living for a few days with her writer husband, the woman noticed that her husband spent very less time doing writing.

For most of the day, her writer husband would sit in an easy chair in the veranda with his eyes closed, or sometimes staring into space with a blank expression on his face.

One morning, when the writer was sitting in the veranda staring blankly into space, his bored wife tried to speak to him.

The writer angrily shouted at his wife: 

‘Don’t disturb me.’

The writer’s wife also got angry and she shouted back at her husband: 

‘What do you mean “don’t disturb me”...? You are just sitting there and doing nothing. You say that you are a writer but I hardly see you doing any writing. Most of the time you relax lazily in your chair with your eyes closed – or you keep staring blankly into space, like you were doing now.’

The writer looked at his wife and he said: 

‘I am “writing” all the time.’

The wife retorted: 

‘What nonsense...!!! I have been observing your behaviour ever since we got married. You spend 90% of your time just sitting in that easy chair and doing nothing. And you hardly spend 10% of your time actually writing.’

The writer looked at his wife and said: 

‘I am glad you have guessed the percentages right. Now you know the essence of what creative writing really is – writing is 90% creative thinking and only 10% is the physical process of writing.’

A writer’s life is a tranquil life.

What others see as laziness is really concentration of thoughts – which is the key to creative writing. 

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

This is a Revised Version of Article Written by me Vikram Karve in the year 2012 and Posted Online Earlier many times, including at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2015/01/creative-writing.html

Musings on Writing – Part 1 – The Ideal Writer

THE “IDEAL” WRITER 

Musings on Writing – Part 1

By

VIKRAM KARVE

During my student days I spent a lot of time in libraries as I loved to read, and from time to time, if I found something interesting, especially a quote or a aphorism or a proverb or anything that appealed to me, I jotted it down in my diary which I used to carry along with me.

This morning, while rearranging my bookcase and cleaning my books, I browsed through an ancient diary and randomly opened a page. To me delight I found that I had jotted down a description or rather a definition of an Ideal Writer by John Henry Newman (1801-1890) [Cardinal Newman]

THE IDEAL WRITER – A Definition by Cardinal Newman

He writes passionately, because he feels keenly; forcibly, because he conceives vividly; he sees too clearly to be vague; he is too serious to be otiose; he can analyze his subject, and therefore he is rich; he embraces it as a whole and in its parts, and therefore he is consistent; he has a firm hold of it, and therefore he is luminous. 

When his imagination wells up, it overflows in ornament; when his heart is touched, it thrills along his verse. 

He always has the right word for the right idea, and never a word too much. 

If he is brief, it is because few words suffice; when he is lavish of them, still each word has its mark, and aids, not embarrasses, the vigorous march of his elocution. 

He expresses what all feel, but all cannot say; and his sayings pass into proverbs among his people, and his phrases become household words and idioms of their daily speech, which is tessellated with the rich fragments of his language, as we see in foreign lands the marbles of Roman grandeur worked into the walls and pavements of modern palaces.

In a nutshell, we must strive to ensure that our writing is accurate, logical, clear, simple and brief and try to develop a writing style that is simple yet effective.

If you find the definition of an “ideal writer” by Cardinal Newman a bit too prolix and verbose, then here is a simple description by  Charles Caleb Colton:

“That writer does the most who gives his reader the most knowledge and takes from him the least time”

This seems to be an “engineer’s definition” – focussing on the “efficiency” of writing – the knowledge versus time ratio – maximum knowledge in the least possible time. 

Or maybe – a good writer imparts maximum creative satisfaction to a reader and takes from him the least time. 

I think the same applies even more to blogging too.

HAPPY WRITING (and Happy Blogging) 

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh. 

2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

This is a Revised Version of Article Written by me Vikram Karve in the year 2012 and Posted Online Earlier many times, including at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2012/08/jotting-from-my-ancient-diary.html etc