HUMOR
THE HYPOCHONDRIAC
Fiction Short Story
By
VIKRAM KARVE
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Part 1 – COVID PHOBIA
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“Your husband is crazy…” the man says to the woman.
“Why…? What happened…?” the woman says.
“Your husband – he kept on saying – “I want to be tested – I want to be
tested…” Well – I told him that there is nothing wrong
with him – but – he went on and on and on – “I want to be tested – I want to
be tested…”
“I told you that my husband is a hypochondriac – didn’t I…? Earlier – he
would imagine he had other diseases – but – ever since COVID has come – he
keeps imagining that he has COVID…”
“Does he have any symptoms…?”
“Not at all – you spoke to him – didn’t you…? And – I saw him in the
morning before I came to work – he is absolutely fine – no symptoms at all –
it’s all in his mind – just extreme anxiety – “hypochondria” – that’s all…”
“A case of severe “COVID Phobia”…?”
“Yes – he is terrified of getting COVID. And because of that – the last
one year has been hell for me…”
“Last one year…? Hell for you…?”
“The COVID Pandemic started one year ago – in March 2020 – isn’t it…?
Since then – my husband is working from home – and he is obsessed with COVID –
and he gets more and more paranoid – sitting at home 24/7 – imagining things…”
“These “IT Nerds” are lucky – they can sit at home safely and do their
work – while we doctors have to risk our lives every day…”
“That’s why they call us “COVID Warriors” – don’t they...? And by the
way – when you talk to my husband – don’t call him an “IT Nerd” – he gets
furious – call him a “Software Techie”…”
“You said your “work from home” husband has made your life hell…?”
“I told you – he is paranoid about getting infected with COVID. And – I
have to come to work every day to the hospital. He thinks that I may infect him
– so – he has gone crazy taking precautions.
The way he “ostracizes” me – I feel that he has almost excommunicated me
from his life…”
“What…? “Ostracized”…? “Excommunicated”…? What are you saying…?”
“It is true. The way he behaves – I feel that way. We live in the same
house – but we stay separately in different rooms – he even wanted me to move
out and live in the hospital – but – I put my foot down…”
“That’s insane…”
“He insists that we wear masks inside the house – maintain “social
distance” – stay totally separate – avoid contact – washing and sanitizing all
the time – it’s crazy – only I know the misery I am going through…”
“Avoid contact…? Are you telling me that you haven’t slept together for
the last one year – since COVID started…?”
“Sleep together…? Ha Ha. He doesn’t even allow me to get near him. I
told you – we sleep in separate rooms – we use separate bathrooms attached to
our rooms – he remains cooped up in his room – working day and night – and – he
even avoids coming near me when I am home. I am fed up with his paranoia – OCD –
constantly washing hands – sanitizing – masks – social distancing – we take
more precautions inside our house than people take outside…”
“This is unbelievable. Your husband seems to have really gone crazy due
to “COVID Phobia”…”
“Yes – that’s why I gave him your number and asked him to speak to you…?”
“Does he know that I am a psychiatrist…?”
“No. I told him that you were a “COVID Specialist”…” the woman says with
a mischievous smile.
“That’s very wicked of you, Uma…” the man says, “you don’t seem to have
changed from your college days – the same “naughty” Uma…”
The woman smiles and says to the man: “I am so happy you came here,
Rohan. Now – at least – I have someone to talk to. Most of the guys out here
are boring “old-fogies”…”
“Yes, Uma – I never imagined you would be in Pune…” the man says.
“I relocated to Pune after my marriage – 3 years ago…” the woman says.
The man’s mobile phone starts ringing – so – he picks it up from the
table – looks at the number – and says to the woman: “It’s your husband again…”
“You talk to him…” the woman says, “I have a “C-Section” scheduled – we
will meet at lunch in the canteen – there you can tell me all about your
entertaining conversation with my husband…”
The woman goes away – and – the man connects the call and starts
speaking to the woman’s husband.
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Part 2 – THE GYNAEC AND THE PSYCHIATRIST
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Dear Reader – let me tell you about the two characters who were talking
to each other in Part 1 of the story – Dr. Uma (the woman) – who is an
obstetrician and gynaecologist (aka – gynaec) – and Dr. Rohan (the man) – a
psychiatrist.
Both of them are 30 years old – they were classmates and good friends
during their MBBS – later – they went to different colleges in faraway cities
for the specializations – and gradually – as it happens when people get busy –
they lost contact with each other.
Dr. Uma – the moment she became a gynaec – at the age of 27 – she got
married to Ashok – an “IT Nerd” (Software “Techie”) – and relocated to Pune –
where her husband lived – and now – she works in a prestigious hospital.
Dr. Rohan – the psychiatrist – who was earlier working in Delhi –
started working in the same hospital (as Uma) recently – he joined just a few
days ago – and the two classmates – Uma and Rohan – they renewed their
friendship.
Rohan is still unmarried – maybe – waiting for his career to take off.
Of course – with the second wave of COVID proliferating in Pune – Rohan hasn’t
visited Uma’s home yet – in fact – no one has visited Uma’s house yet – there
is no question of her “COVID Phobic” husband Ashok allowing visitors into their
house.
After much persuasion by Uma – her husband Ashok agreed to called Rohan –
to talk about COVID – he called briefly in the morning saying: “I want to be
tested – I want to be tested…” – and
now – he is calling Rohan again.
Of course – Uma told her husband that Rohan was a “COVID Specialist” –
she didn’t tell him that Rohan was a psychiatrist.
Now – Dear Reader – while Dr. Uma performs the “C-Section” – let us hear
the telephonic conversation between the psychiatrist Dr. Rohan and Uma’s
husband Ashok.
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Story To Be Continued in Part 3...
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