“Dead Letter” – Twisted Sense of Humor or a Cruel Joke...?

This story happened 5 years ago – in the year 2013... 

Link to the original post in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal: http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2013/12/humor-in-uniform-letter-to-dead.html 

“DEAD LETTER”

Twisted Sense of Humor or a Cruel Joke...?

Musings

By

VIKRAM KARVE

LIVING MAN DEAD 

In the famous War Novel CATCH-22 – there is a character called Doc Daneeka.

Doc Daneeka is a civilian doctor who was building up a good medical practice in New York – when World War II suddenly broke out – and they drafted him into the US Army Air Force for the War as a Flight Surgeon.

One of his requisites of being an Air Corps Doctor includes logging four hours per month of Flight Time in order to earn his Flight Pay.

However – Doc Daneeka hates to fly – he is very scared of flying.

Though Doc Daneeka is scared of flying – he still wants to get flight pay.

So – he asks his bombardier friend Yossarian to persuade a Pilot named McWatt to falsely enter Doc Daneeka’s name in his Flight Log on Training Missions and Non-Combat Flights (“Milk Runs”).

“What difference does it make to anyone whether I am in the plane or not...?” Doc Daneeka says to his friend Yossarian.

So – Yossarian helps Doc Daneeka by convincing his friend McWatt to enter Doc Daneeka’s name on the flight roster on routine non-combat flights.

Thus – Doc Daneeka’s flight hours are duly recorded without him having to leave the ground.

This enables Doc Daneeka to collect his flight pay every month without ever having to get into an aircraft.

This arrangement goes on satisfactorily for many months.

Then – suddenly – while on a training flight – McWatt flies too low and he crashes into a mountain – and whole aircraft instantly goes up in flames.

Since McWatt’s flight roster includes Doc Daneeka’s name – it is assumed that Doc Daneeka also died on the flight.

So – Doc Daneeka is officially pronounced dead.

Though Doc Daneeka is physically alive – on paper he is declared dead – and in the military bureaucracy – it is paper that rules supreme.

Since Doc Daneeka is officially declared dead – his rations, his pay, and all his entitlements are stopped. 

As per bureaucratic procedure – Doc Daneeka’s wife is notified of her husband Doc Daneeka’s death. 

Doc Daneeka’s wife is back home in New York – while Doc Daneeka is fighting the war overseas. 

Doc Daneeka runs from pillar to post trying to prove that he is actually alive – but to no avail – since the “unstoppable” bureaucratic processes have been set in motion – once Doc Daneeka has been officially notified as “dead” – since his name was on the crew manifest of the aircraft that crashed.

He writes a desperate letter to his wife back home telling her that is alive.

Doc Daneeka’s wife informs the War Department of her husband’s letter. 

But – the War Department writes back confirming that Doc Daneeka is dead – and says that the letter must have been written by some sadistic and psychotic forger in her husband’s squadron – and – the War Deparment advises Doc Daneeka’s wife that she should ignore all such letters in future.

So, Doc Daneeka’s wife ignores all future letters from her husband.

Meanwhile – since Doc Daneeka is officially declared dead while on duty in a war zone – he is declared “Killed in Action” (KIA).

Doc Daneeka’s wife receives considerable financial benefits from insurance, pension, ex-gratia payments, gratuities etc since her brave husband has been “martyred” in war while serving the nation.

Having become considerably wealthy thanks to her husband being “killed in action”, Doc Daneeka’s wife relocates to a more posh neighbourhood, and since she is fed up with receiving repeated letters purportedly written by her distraught husband Doc Daneeka begging her to tell everyone that he is alive (which she thinks are written by some imposter), she leaves no forwarding address.

Thus – we have a cruelly hilarious situation of a living man being declared dead.

Around 5 years ago – in the year 2013 – we were “victims” of a similarly cruelly hilarious situation – but exactly the opposite – where a dead man was presumed to be “alive”.

Catch-22 is fiction – but sometimes – truth can be stranger than fiction.

In Catch-22 – the US Army “declared” a living man dead.

In this story – the Indian Army once “declared” a dead man alive.

Let me tell you about it.

DEAD MAN ALIVE

My late father-in-law joined the Indian Army soon after Independence – as a Cadet – via the prestigious First Course of the National Defence Academy (NDA) (or 1st JSW – as he liked to call it).

He retired as a Brigadier in 1986.

If he had been alive today – he would have been more than 86 years old.

Sadly – my father-in-law passed away in the year 2008. 

(This story happened in the year 2013 – 5 years after his death). 

When my father-in-law died in 2008 – we intimated all concerned – including Army Headquarters.

We filled up the required forms – forwarded his death certificate – and completed the necessary paper formalities.

His widow (my mother-in-law) duly received a letter of condolence from Army Headquarters.

More than five years passed since his death.

One morning – suddenly – 5 years after his death – in the year 2013 – the postman delivered a letter in a typical shabby khaki makeshift envelope which is used for official “fauji” correspondence.

The Brigadier’s widow was taken aback when she saw that the letter had been addressed to her husband – who had died more than 5 years ago.

At first – we thought it was a mistake on the envelope – but when we opened the letter – we saw that the letter was very much addressed to the dead Brigadier.

There are phrases in the letter addressed to the dead Brigadier like: 

“…payment of rank pay arrears in YOUR respect is pending…” 

“…YOU are requested to forward details directly to…”

The frequent use of the words “YOU” and “YOUR” – and the tone of the language used in the letter clearly indicated that the officer signing the letter believed that the addressee (my father-in-law) was still alive.

To top it off – to add insult to the injury – the letter ended with the salutation (in bold letters) to my dead father-in-law:

“All ranks of your Army convey their greetings and best wishes to you and your family”

My father-in-law was already resting in peace in his heavenly abode for the last 5 years.

Maybe – he could convey the “greetings” to his wife when she too reaches heaven...!!!

(I wonder if that is what the Army wanted...?)

It is good to know that the Army cares for you after you are dead and gone.

Never mind that they did not bother much about you when you were alive and serving.

If the Army cared about you – they would have paid rank pay arrears in time when you were serving – and not waited for so many years after you had retired from service and were dead and gone.

In fact – if the Army Top Brass really cared for its Officers and Soldiers – there would be no need for “arrears” of any kind – as all payments and dues would be made promptly on time.

Maybe I am digressing – so let me look at the letter addressed to the dead Brigadier once again.

“CHALTA HAI” SHODDY STAFF WORK

Perusal of the letter reveals the following.

Instead of taking the pains to sign each letter after checking that the details are correct – it appears that – inter alia – the following short-cut “chalta hai” shoddy staff work was resorted to:

1. The letter was typed leaving details of the addressees blank.

2. One copy of the letter was signed by the Staff Officer.

3. Xerox copies of the letter were made.

4. It was to left to the clerical staff to fill in details of the addressees and dispatch the letters.

5. The Staff Officer did not bother to check the letters and confirm that the correct details filled in before the letters were dispatched.

Is this not lazy slipshod staff work...?

Is this what is expected of a DSSC Staff College qualified Staff Officer (which obviously every Staff Officer posted in Army Headquarters would be)...?

Does Staff College teach Army Staff Officers to address letters to Dead Officers...?

This letter is signed by an Army Officer – so surely the Army can’t blame Politicians and Civilian Bureaucrats for this insensitive faux pas. 

(If the staff officer did indeed check and confirm correctness of addressee details – it indicates that records have not been updated for many years – and there are many such “dead officers” – who still are “alive and kicking” – as per Army records).

Like it happened in Catch-22 – if an “alive and well” officer can declared be “dead on paper” – then why can’t an actually “dead and gone” RIP officer not be declared “alive and kicking” on paper...?

TWISTED “SENSE OF HUMOR”

“What’s the big deal..?” you may say, “Such minor errors happen. Or maybe – it’s their sense of humor – resurrecting the dead – like in the movie Dracula Has Risen from the Grave – so just chill...”

Yes – it all depends on how you look at it – a trivial oversight – or an insensitive blunder.

My late father-in-law had a great sense of humor.

If I could tell him about this gaffe – he would have a good laugh – he would have even threatened to come back to earth from his heavenly abode.

But – from the perspective of my mother-in-law – or other widows of dead officers who have received similar letters addressed to their dead husbands – I really don’t know how they feel.

From their point of view – is this “faux pas” a rather perverted Twisted Sense of Humor – or is it an insensitive Cruel Joke...? 

VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

     

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

 

Link to the original post in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal: http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2013/12/humor-in-uniform-letter-to-dead.html  and reposted in my Navy Yarns Blog at url: https://karvenavy.wordpress.com/2013/12/24/humor-in-uniform-dead-letter/

Humor in Uniform – “Porthole” System of Correspondence Management

In today’s digital world – we have paperless correspondence. 

But – there was a time – much before the advent of the internet – when all correpsondence used to be on paper. 

This story pertains to that time – 40 years ago – in the 1970’s. 

HUMOR IN UNIFORM

“PORTHOLE STRATEGY”

How to Deal with Inconvenient Orders

A Fictional Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE 

NAVY STYLE “PORTHOLE STRATEGY”

Around 40 years ago – in the 1970’s – we had a maverick “Supply Officer” (of the erstwhile S&S Branch) on our ship.

Those days – Supply & Secretariat (S&S) Branch Officers were the self-styled “experts” on all Secretarial matters like office correspondence. 

Later the Supply & Secretariat (S&S) Branch was renamed as the Logistics Branch and Supply Officers are now called Logistics Officers.

Why this was done – I do not know – but – the Navy seems to have a penchant for changing names and uniforms.

Getting back to the story – our ship was not air-conditioned.

Yes – our ship was one of the last of the Non-AC ships in the fleet – so this ship had portholes (windows) on the ship’s side – which we always kept open for fresh air and ventilation.

Also – in the 1970’s – there was no internet, no email etc – so all correspondence was on paper by “snail mail” – via the postal service.

If the ship was sailing – which was most often the case – the letters would arrive in “mail bags” – which would chase the ship – and try to catch the ship in the next port-of-call.

Sometimes – it would take a month or so – or even more – for a letter to reach the ship.

One day – as we arrived in a distant port after a long sailing – a mail bag arrived – and among the mail was a letter from Headquarters asking for some inconsequential details – about which everyone in my department seemed clueless.

So – I went to our Supply Officer to seek advice.

“Do you feel the letter is important...?” the Supply Officer asked me.

“No Sir – I don’t think this letter is important – it seems to be a standard “duty watch” type letter issued to all ships in which they are asking for some trivial details from all ships about which I am clueless...” I said.

“Is the letter classified...?” he asked.

“No Sir...” I said.

“Then – just throw the letter out of the porthole...” he said.

“What...? Throw this letter out of the porthole into the sea...?” I said, taken aback.

“Yes – throw it out of the bloody porthole. The way we are sailing – they will wait for at least a month or two for a reply – and maybe – they will forget about it – or they may send a reminder. So – it will take at least two months before the reminder arrives on board. Then – if and when a reminder letter comes – you throw that letter out of the porthole too. By the time the next reminder comes – both you and I will transferred be out of this ship – and our successors will figure out what the letter was all about...” the Supply Officer said.

“Aye Aye, Sir...” I said, happily

“Check again – I hope the letter is not classified...?” the Supply Officer asked me.

“No Sir – this letter is not classified...” I said.

“Good...” he said.

“Sir – I have a question...?” I said.

“Go ahead...” he said.

“Sir – what do we do with such inconvenient and inconsequential letters in case they are classified...?” I asked.

“If the letter is classified – then file it and forget about it...” he elaborated, “File and Forget (“F&F”)...”

I was impressed by the Supply Officer’s Mantra – which encapsulated the gist of – how to handle inconvenient/inconsequential letters:

“If the letter was unclassified – Throw it out of the Porthole

If the letter was classified – “File and Forget”...”

I did not have the guts to throw the letter out of the porthole into the sea – and – I had my doubts about whether the Supply Officer was being serious – or – was he just pulling my leg.

So – I buried the letter in a file – and I forgot about it.

Luckily – there was no reminder till I was transferred out of the ship 3 months later.

Soon – all ships were air-conditioned – so this “porthole strategy” probably became obsolete.

Also – the S&S Branch was abolished – and – the S&S Branch merged into the Executive Branch (“X”) Branch.

So – after “S&S” was absorbed into the “X” Branch – and all “S&S” officers became “X” officers – and – such gems of “secretarial expertise” disappeared.

Of course – a few years after the merger of “X” and “S&S” – some erstwhile “S&S” officers reached Flag Rank and threatened to take over as CNS and CinC (since they were “Executive Officers” now). 

In order to obviate this possibility – the “powers-that-be” quickly re-created the “S&S” Branch in a new “avatar – and called it the “Logistics” Branch – but – the new “Logistics” Branch never had the élan of the erstwhile “S&S” Branch.

And now – with the advent of internet – and leaps in information technology – the Navy may have stopped all paper correspondence – and the Navy must have become a “paperless” organisation using e-governance techniques and digital correspondence

I wonder how the “porthole strategy” can be applied to digital correspondence...?

But – I am sure that some “Tech-Savvy” geniuses must have found a way to do so – and now – “porthole strategy” must be much easier – at the tap of some keyboard keys.

ARMY STYLE “PORTHOLE STRATEGY”

A few years later – I was “posted” to an inter-services organization – dominated by Army Culture.

One day a letter arrived from Army Headquarters.

The gist of the letter was that the “powers-that-be” had taken a “serious view” regarding misuse of “sahayaks” (batmen/orderlies).

The letter stated that “sahayaks” were “combat soldiers”.

So – “sahayaks” were not to be employed for “demeaning” work and “undignified” tasks.

The letter specified a list of “degrading” tasks for which the use of “sahayaks” was prohibited.

One of the “prohibited tasks” was walking the officer’s dog (dog-walking).

The letter clearly stated that “sahayaks” were not to be tasked with dog-walking the officer’s dog.

Yes – Army Officers were directed that they should not ask their “sahayaks” to take the officer’s dog for a walk.

If an Army Officer asked his “sahayak” to take his pet dog for a walk – then it would tantamount to misuse of the “sahayak”.

Well – that is what the letter said.

The letter was marked for wide circulation – and – some wisecrack in the office had highlighted the point regarding dog-walking and endorsed: “copy to all dog owners”.

That is how a copy of the letter landed up on my table.

I had a pet dog.

But – being a Naval Officer – I personally looked after my own pet dog and took my dog for walks myself – since I did not enjoy the luxury of a “sahayak” like my Army counterparts.

In the evening – when I took my dog out for the customary walk – I expected to see my fellow Army officers walk their dogs – in compliance with the directive to army officers that “sahayaks” were not to be employed as “dog-walkers” for officers’ dogs.

But “Lo and Behold” – what did I see...?

The dogs were on their walks. 

But – I did not see any Army Officer taking his dog for a walk.

It was business as usual. 

It was the “sahayaks” who were taking their officer’s dogs for a walk.

The Brigadier’s Golden Retriever was on his walk with the Brigadier’s “sahayak”.

The Colonel’s Labrador – the Major’s German Shepherd – even the Captain’s Cocker Spaniel – all the “army dogs” were being taken for a walk by their respective “sahayaks”.

Only the “navy dog” was being taken for a walk by his “Master” (yours truly).

It seemed that the Army too followed its own version of “porthole strategy” to deal with “inconvenient” orders – they just ignored the orders.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

 

Revised Combined and Updated Version of Two Stories First Posted by me Vikram Karve in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve Blog more than 3 years ago in March 2014 at urls: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/03/humor-in-uniform-porthole-strategy_13.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/03/humor-in-uniform-porthole-strategy.html  and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/03/humor-in-uniform-porthole-strategy.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/07/humor-in-uniform-porthole-strategy-how.html etc