Twitter Can “Kill” You

TWITTER CAN “KILL” YOU…?

A Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE

Can Twitter “Kill” You…?

Well – Twitter “Killed” Me in the morning – and – I am still “Dead”.

Dear Reader – let me tell you the story of what happened this morning.

As I sipped my Early Morning Tea (Chota Hazri) – I picked up my smartphone – and opened Twitter to send my customary “Good Morning” Tweet to my Friends.

To my horror – I saw a message on the screen:

“Your account (@vikramwkarve) is currently suspended. For more information, please log into twitter.com”

Accordingly – I logged into twitter.com – and was directed to the “About Suspended Accounts” page which gave 3 basic reasons for suspension of twitter accounts:

1. Spammy or Fake Accounts

Well – my Twitter Account was certainly not fake.

In fact – my Twitter Profile was absolutely genuine – actual Display Picture – 100% True Bio with correct date of birth and link to my website/blog.

And – I was certainly not tweeting spam.

In fact – in my last 3 tweets before suspension – I had tweeted the titles and links of my stories which I had written in my blog – for the benefit of my Twitter Followers who like to read my fiction short stories that I write and post on my blogs.

So – there was no justification for Twitter to suspend my Account for the above reasons (Spam and Fake Accounts)

Interestingly – there was a disclaimer:

“Unfortunately, sometimes a real person’s account gets suspended by mistake, and in those cases we’ll work with the person to make sure the account is unsuspended”

Well – if my Twitter Account has been suspended by mistake – why hasn’t Twitter restored it so far despite my following the proper procedure/instructions and filing an appeal to unsuspend my account…?

Yes – I have filed an appeal to unsuspend my account around 12 hours ago,

In reply to my appeal – all I have received is an email from Twitter saying that they are working on it and it may take a few days – a very vague statement without any deadline for restoration of my Twitter Account.

(I would also like to emphasise that Twitter has not given any reason as to why they have suspended my Twitter Account – either prior to suspending my account – or in their email acknowledging my request to unsuspend the account).

2. Account Security at Risk

If we suspect an account has been hacked or compromised, we may suspend it until it can be secured and restored to the account owner…

Well – it doesn’t seem that my Account has been hacked – since I can see my Profile and Timeline. The problem is that I am unable to send Tweets and my Followers can’t see my Twitter Account.

So – this reason for suspension is not applicable to me.

3. Abusive Tweets or Behaviour

We may suspend an account if it has been reported to us as violating our rules surrounding abuse. When an account engages in abusive behaviour, like sending threats to others or impersonating other accounts, we may suspend it temporarily or, in some cases, permanently.

Well – I am a Military Veteran (Retired Naval Officer) educated at the best of schools and institutions – and I have certainly not indulged in abusive behaviour. I have never sent threats to others. I have never impersonated other accounts. I have always tweeted in the most polite and temperate language. I have never tweeted anything controversial in nature. In fact – most of my Tweets are about my Creative Writing in my Blogs. My conduct on Twitter has been most ethical.

So – this reason for suspension is not applicable to me.

WHY HAS TWITTER “KILLED” ME…”

Hence – none of the above 3 reasons for suspension are applicable to me.

So – the moot question remains:

Why has my Twitter Account been suspended…?

Will someone please answer this moot question.

PS: I have used the word “kill” and “killed” metaphorically – to portray my predicament of being virtually “killed” in Twittersphere.

(To be continued in Part 2 – The Twitter “Raj”…) 

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

“Perfect” Husband – A Story

“PERFECT” HUSBAND

A Fictional Spoof

Story

By

VIKRAM KARVE

Dramatis Personae

Me (The “Imperfect” Husband)

My Wife

‘Slimy’ – My Neighbour (The “Perfect” Husband)

Slimy’s Wife

‘Shutterbug’ – My Friend

The “Perfect” Husband – A Story by Vikram Karve 

As I had expected – I saw ‘Shutterbug’ standing at Land’s End – taking photographs of Sunset.

Sunset – on the west coast of India is a glorious sight – a breathtakingly beautiful spectacle – as the tranquil blue Arabian Sea begins to swallow the orange ball – and – the crimson rays – dancing in the sky – slowly change their colour – from red to orange to yellowish green to bluish grey – and – dissolve into twilight.

I sat on a bench – and I waited for ‘Shutterbug’ to finish taking his photographs.

‘Shutterbug’ (nicknamed because of his passion for photography) had quit the Navy to follow his first love – and – he was now an accomplished professional photographer.

He had got a prestigious assignment from an International Travel Magazine to compile a series on “Sunsets”.

For the last few days – he would come to Land’s End every evening – to take photographs of Mumbai’s resplendent sea sunsets.

“It’s good you came today – I have finished my work here – and – I am off to a new location tomorrow morning…” he said, packing his camera.

“Where to…?” I asked.

“Australia – New Zealand – Antarctica – and then – some islands in the Pacific…” he said.

“Wow…” I said, “Come – let’s have a drink…”

We walked down the seaside promenade – and – a few minutes later – we were sitting by the seaside – in the club annexe – enjoying the cool sea breeze – sipping whisky-soda.

‘Shutterbug’ looked at me and said: “Come on – get it off your chest…”

“What…?”

“I know you are upset – you want to tell me something – so – tell me…”

“It’s my next-door neighbor…”

“You mean ‘Slimy’…?”

“Yes…” I said.

(Now – in the Navy – almost everyone has a ‘nickname’ – like my friend sitting opposite me was called ‘Shutterbug’ because of his interest in photography – likewise – my next-door neighbour was nicknamed ‘Slimy’ – no prizes for guessing why – he was a really ‘slimy’ character – a ‘slick’ operator)

“Oh – ‘Slimy’ – bloody ‘poodle-faker’ – dicey bugger – he’s a sly ‘smooth’ operator…” remarked ‘Shutterbug’.

“Do you know him…?” I asked ‘Shutterbug’.

“Of course I know ‘Slimy’ – we did a training course abroad…”

“Oh…”

“So – what’s your problem with ‘Slimy’…?”

“He is such a ‘devoted husband’….”

“Ha Ha – “devoted husband” – Ha Ha…” ‘Shutterbug’ interrupted.

“Why…? What happened…?” I asked, taken aback.

“No – No – nothing. Sorry for interrupting. So – if ‘Slimy’ is such a “devoted husband” – as you say – what is your problem…?” ‘Shutterbug’ asked me.

“Well – ‘Slimy’ is such a perfect husband that he has become a “Role Model Husband” for my wife – in fact – he is so smart – so suave – so debonair – so handsome – so well-mannered – and – so physically fit with such an excellent physique – and – my wife admires him so much – that – she has started comparing me with him – and – I feel like a “loser”…”

“Your wife thinks you are a “loser”…?”

“Yes – it’s all because of that bugger ‘Slimy’…”

“I hope ‘Slimy’ is not trying to seduce your wife – “steal her affection” – so to speak…”

“No – No – not at all. He is the epitome of gentlemanly behaviour – my wife says that he is a true “officer and gentleman” – and – she feels disappointed that I am not like him…”

“Why…? What’s wrong with you…?”

“I told you. All this comparison has started after ‘Slimy’ moved in as my next-door neighbour. Before that – my wife had no problems with me…”

“And – what about Slimy’s wife…?”

“Oh – Slimy’s wife is a really elegant lady – she is besotted with her husband – she effusively praises ‘Slimy’ 24/7 – Slimy’s wife says that ‘Slimy’ is the best husband in the world - she keeps talking with admiration about all his qualities – about the exotic destinations where he takes her for holidays – about the expensive gifts he gets for her – about his “caring and sharing” nature – Slimy’s wife always says that ‘Slimy’ is the “perfect husband”…”

“Ha Ha – “caring and sharing” – “perfect husband” – Ha Ha…” ‘Shutterbug’ laughed.

“What happened…?” I asked him.

“Nothing – I was just thinking…”

“Everything was fine with my married life before ‘Slimy’ came on the scene – I am even thinking of asking for a transfer…” I said.

“Transfer…? Why the hell should you ask for a transfer…?”

“I told you – ‘Slimy’ has created such a powerful impression on my wife – that – she literally worships him – in fact – she has put him on a pedestal – and – she wants me to ‘emulate’ him in all aspects – and – that is impossible for me – because – ‘Slimy’ is everything that I am not…”

“So…?”

“Just imagine – the whole day and night – I have to hear my wife’s nagging – “…‘Slimy’ is this – ‘Slimy’ is that – ‘Slimy’ does this – ‘Slimy’ does that…” – let me tell you that I am totally fed up with my wife comparing me with ‘Slimy’ all the time. You won’t understand – since – you are not married…”

“I can understand. Don’t worry – I’ll do something about it…” ‘Shutterbug’ said.

“You’ll do something about it…? How…? When…? You are flying off going to Australia and New Zealand tomorrow morning…”

“You don’t worry – you just leave it to me. Now – let’s forget ‘Slimy’ – and – let’s enjoy our drinks…” ‘Shutterbug’ said.

After sometime – ‘Shutterbug’ left – saying that he had to catch the early morning flight.

I continued drinking till closing time.

I reached home at midnight – totally drunk – and – even in my drunken state – I could hear my wife’s nagging:

“You don’t even know how to drink – look at him (referring to ‘Slimy’) – he drinks like a refined gentleman – and you – you are an uncouth lout – you drink like a pig…”

Next morning – I woke up late – with a terrible hangover.

Luckily – it was a Sunday.

I expected to hear my wife’s harangue – her nagging – but – I was surprised by the silence in the house.

I looked around the house.

My wife was missing.

Had my wife left me...? 

Had she gone away to her parents’ place in Pune…?

As it is – she was fed up living with a “loser” like me.

And – my last evening’s drunkenness may have been the last straw.

I opened the door.

I saw the maid.

“Memsahib is next door…” the maid said to me.

What…?

My wife was in Slimy’s house…?

Was she complaining to him about me…?

Confused – I walked out of my house – and – I rang the doorbell outside Slimy’s flat.

A man opened the door – I recognized him – he was my coursemate who lived opposite our house.

Slimy’s wife was crying – and – a group of ladies was trying to console her.

My wife was among the group of ladies consoling Slimy’s wife.

‘Slimy’ was sitting at the dining table with his head in his hands – looking distraught. 

Some officers were hanging around.

“What’s going on…?” I asked my coursemate who had opened the door – “Is someone dead or something...?”

“Don’t you know…?” my coursemate whispered.

“No…” I said.

My coursemate took me aside.

Then – he took out his ‘smartphone’ – and – he showed me the screen.

Bloody Hell…!!!

There were intimate pictures of ‘Slimy’ and a sexy woman frolicking on a beach – in the skimpiest of clothing – kissing, necking, making out – doing all sorts of “lovey-dovey” antics – in a variety of “compromising positions”…

As I looked at the “erotic” pictures of ‘Slimy’ and the sexy woman – my coursemate said:

“Bloody hell – that bugger ‘Shutterbug’ – he has uploaded these steamy photos of ‘Slimy’ and this “Firangi” woman on Facebook – and – he has tagged everyone. By now – the whole world must have seen these indecent pictures…”

“Indecent…? Why do you say these pictures are “indecent”…? A bit “passionate” – yes – “amorous” – yes – but – certainly not “indecent” – look at the pictures – ‘Slimy’ and this woman seem to be passionately in love with each other…” I said, tongue-in-cheek.

I looked at the complete album of “lewd” photos of ‘Slimy’ and the sexy woman on the screen of the smartphone.

By now – the “hot” pictures of ‘Slimy’ and the sexy woman would have surely gone viral on our online groups – and these sensational photos must have been seen by all “friends” who mattered.

Shutterbug’s “status update” said: 

“Memories of Our Wonderful Navy Days” 

The “status update” post mentioned the date – and – the name of the place – where the photos had been clicked – and – ‘Slimy’ and the sexy woman had been duly “tagged” with their names.

It was a deft “slam-dunk”

Yes – ‘Shutterbug’ had slam-dunked ‘Slimy’ nice and proper

Of course – my good friend ‘Shutterbug’ had done it for my sake. 

EPILOGUE

Three things happened after this episode:

1. That very evening – Slimy’s wife left for her parents’ place.

2. My “dashing and debonair” Neighbour – the “Perfect Husband” – ‘Slimy’ – he was transferred to a “non-family” station on a remote island in the back-of-beyond.

3. My darling wife never mentioned the name of ‘Slimy’ again – and – after this episode – my wife stopped comparing me with other husbands.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

 

This is a revised repost of my story THE PERFECT HUSBAND posted online by me Vikram Karve earlier in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Blog on July 31, 2016 at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/07/the-perfect-husband-story.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/09/my-neighbour-perfect-husband.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/01/my-dashing-and-debonair-neighbour.html

Blogging Tips for Bloggers

BLOGGING TIPS FOR BLOGGERS

Five Blogging Tips

By

VIKRAM KARVE

If you really want to benefit from blogging here are five tips for you to follow: 

1. Blog under your Real Identity 

If you are really serious about blogging – you must not hesitate to mention your actual name – make a genuine profile – and upload your proper picture on your blog. 

Yes – you must create a proper profile – and – it is desirable to give your complete contact details too.

Be transparent and truthful about identity.

Is there any point in trying to blog “anonymously” – or by using a “fake” identity...? 

Who are you trying to fool...?

It is best to avoid using fancy “handles” and exotic nom de plumes  

Also – it does not make any sense to blog “anonymously”...? 

For reasons best known to them – many Bloggers hide behind masks of anonymity.

They blog under fictitious identities using fancy nom de plumes or “handles”.  

These anonymous bloggers give chic and swanky titles to their blogs which bear no correlation to the content of their blogs. 

Some use names of great literary persons and works from history as pseudonyms (handles) and others use catchy monikers which bear no resemblance whatsoever to their actual personalities.

Why are some bloggers reluctant to put their own face on their blogs and give their own “personality” to their blogs...?

What was the need to blog “anonymously”...? 

Why hide behind a fake “handle”...?

Why are some bloggers are shy of giving their full details on their blogs...? 

Why do they shy away from asserting ownership of their blogs...?

Are they ashamed of what they are writing on their blogs...? 

Or – is there some other reason...?

All this lack of transparency results in a sort of trust deficit about the blogger and is certainly not beneficial to the blogger in the long run.

2. The Title of your Blog must reflect the Content of the Blog

Before you name your blog – think about the theme or topics you are going to blog about. 

This must be reflected in the title of your blog (and url).

Do not confuse the reader and search engines with vague or fancy titles that have no bearing on the content of your blog. 

If it is your personal blog – it is a good idea to include your name in the title of your blog.

3. Blog Regularly

You must blog regularly – the more frequent the better.

You must aim to write one post daily – yes – a blog post a day. 

If you cannot blog every day – then – be consistent – and – have a regular schedule and stick to your schedule.

Blogging must become a habit.

4. Avoid lengthy Blog Posts

Typically – it is best to keep your blog posts under 500 words due to the limited span of attention of a reader when reading on a digital screen vis-à-vis reading on paper. 

Nowadays – many people read blogs on their smartphones – so avoid long paragraphs – and – write short sentences – this will make your blog easily readable on a digital screen.

5. Ensure Good Quality of Content

Yes – content is the supreme factor that will attract readers to your Blog.

As they say – CONTENT IS KING – good content will attract and retain readers. 

So – whatever you write – be original – be unique – and – be interesting. 

And – NEVER PLAGIARISE – yes – never never never plagiarise from other blogs/websites – because – you will be easily caught – and – once that happens – you will lose credibility forever in the blogosphere.

PS: 

It is easy to preach – but difficult to practice – and – I too struggle daily to adhere to my own suggestions. 

You may ask me – why am I giving unsolicited advice to other bloggers...?

Well – I have been blogging for around 18 years now – and this blog which I started around 9 years ago will soon reach 2.3 Million (23 Lakh) page-views – my blog gets around 1500 to 2000 hits every day – and – I am quite active in the Social Media too.

HAPPY BLOGGING

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Revised and Abridged version of my articles posted online by me earlier at urls: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/02/blogging-tips-for-bloggers.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/04/trust-deficit-and-relationships-are-you.html and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/02/social-media-fake-identity-and-bogus.html