“Sea Dogs” and “Sea Dolls” – Two Types of Naval Officers

Humor in Uniform

Navy Humor

“SEA DOGS” and “SEA DOLLS”

A Fictional Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer:

1. Please read this spoof only if you have a sense of humor. 

2. This article is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh. 

3. This spoof is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

“SEA DOGS” and “SEA DOLLS”

The terms “dog” and “doll” are used in a metaphorical sense.

Whenever I want to use slang or unconventional English – I refer to The Concise New Partridge Dictionary of Slang and Unconventional English 

In this Slang Dictionary – if you look at the meaning of the word “Doll” – you will see that – one meaning of the word “Doll” is: 

A “Doll” is “a very attractive person of any sex that you may find attractive”.

So – as per this definition: 

A “Sea Doll” is a person who you may find attractive at Sea. 

In short: 

“Sea Doll” is a good looking Naval Officer or Sailor.

And – of course – you know that:

“Sea Dog” means an experienced Naval Officer or Sailor. 

So – Dear Reader – enjoy the spoof on “Sea Dogs” and “Sea Dolls”...

SEA DOGS and SEA DOLLS – A Spoof by Vikram Karve

When I joined the Navy – 42 years ago – in the 1970’s – I observed that there were two types of Naval Officers:

1. Sea Dogs

2. Sea Dolls

Now – before you jump the gun and accuse me of “gender insensitivity” – please note that the term “Sea Doll” is not being used for Women Naval Officers.

When I joined the Navy – there were no Women Naval Officers – except a few “landlubber quack chicks” in the medical branch.

Even today – in India – Women Naval Officers adorn only “soft” shore billets.

A Woman Naval Officer does not have to undergo the tough strenuous ship life of Male Naval Officer on warships at sea.

So – maybe I will have to conjure up some other epithet (without the prefix “sea”) for these “feminine landlubber ladies” in white uniform.

I have digressed – so let me come back to the topic of “Sea Dogs” and “Sea Dolls”.

As a young Naval Officer – I realized that there are Two Navies within the Navy:

1. The “Operational” Navy – comprising all aspects pertaining to warfighting at sea – warships, submarines, aircraft, the dockyards and various frontline units supporting the fleet...

2. The “Ceremonial” Navy – comprising all the “showmanship” activities like parades, fleet reviews, Public Relations (PR) Exercises, “shop windows”, events like navy week and navy ball, public shows, parties, social events et al…

“Sea Dogs” ran the “gristly, gritty and grimy” Operational Navy.

“Sea Dolls” ran the “spick and span” Ceremonial Navy.

“Sea Dogs” were rugged masculine looking men.

In contrast – “Sea Dolls” adorned the “fair and handsome” genteel “metrosexual” look.

Most “Sea Dogs” sported rough and tough “Full Set” Beards.

“Sea Dolls” preferred to have an elegant and pretty “clean-shaven” look.

There were some exceptions.

I have seen some clean-shaven non-bearded “Sea Dogs”.

But – I have never seen a “Sea Doll” with a beard.

Whether bearded or not – “Sea Dogs” preferred the tough natural look – a seaman’s robust grooming and rugged brawny turn out.

“Sea Dolls” were obsessed with maintaining a suave polished appearance and chic glamorous attractive turn out.

“Sea Dogs” were “tough cookies”.

Most “Sea Dogs” had an abrasive personality – like rough and tough sailors.

In stark contrast – “Sea Dolls” were “smooth operators”.

All “Sea Dolls” had a pleasing personality – like slick charming corporate executives.

In earlier days – it was the “Sea Dogs” who dominated the senior ranks in the Navy. 

But – gradually – the tide seems to have turned in favour of the “Sea Dolls”.

I wonder whether the same applies to the Army and Air Force – and what are the Army and Air Force equivalents of “Sea Dogs” and “Sea Dolls”.

By the way – have you read the classic military novel Catch-22...?

Yes...? 

You have read Catch-22...? 

Good. 

Let me give you a metaphorical example from the novel Catch-22.

If “Catch 22” was a Navy Novel: 

A “Sea Dog” would be someone like General Dreedle 

(an archetypal no-nonsense blunt plain-speaking military man) 

and 

A “Sea Doll” would be someone like General Peckem 

 

(a pompous pretentious sycophantic show-off)

If you have read Catch-22 – you will understand what I mean. 

Dear Reader: 

I can go on and on about “Sea Dogs” and “Sea Dolls” till the cows come home.

But – Dear Reader – by now – I am sure you have got the drift.

So – the next time you see a Naval Officer – have some fun and amuse yourself.

Have a good look at the Navy Officer – and try to judge for yourself: 

Is he a tough “Sea Dog”...? 

Or – is he a glamorous “Sea Doll”...?

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This blog post is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh. 

2. This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

 

Humor in Uniform – The Military “Metrosexual”

Unforgettable Memories of my IAT Girinagar Days


METROSEXUALS IN UNIFORM

A Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE

Meaning of the word “Metrosexual” :

A usually urban heterosexual male given to enhancing his personal appearance by fastidious grooming, beauty treatments, and fashionable clothes 

(merriam-webster) 

METROSEXUALS IN UNIFORM

This happened 32 years ago – in the mid 1980’s – when I was a newly appointed “Directing Staff” (DS) at IAT Pune.

I had barely settled down in my new job – when a paper landed on my table.

I had been appointed “Chairman” of the IAT CSD Canteen.

In actual fact – this was no great appointment.

This was a “bum job” – a sundry duty I had to do in addition to my primary job.

And – the high-sounding “Chairman” meant nothing – it was IAT parlance for what we in the Navy called “Officer-in-Charge”.

But – I was in seventh heaven – because I had never been appointed “Chairman” before.

Power went to my head – and I immediately decided to “take charge” – and “show off” my power of “command”.

I decided to pay an immediate visit to my new “empire”.

I summoned the Canteen Manager – an Army JCO (Junior Commissioned Officer).

I peremptorily ordered him to get the CSD Canteen opened for my visit.

“Sir – why don’t you come in the evening – when the canteen opens...?” he suggested.

“No. I want to take rounds of the canteen right now. And I want to speak to all the canteen staff...” I said firmly. 

The Canteen Manager JCO remained silent.

So – I asked the Canteen Manager JCO: 

“Do you have any problems...?”

“No Problems, Sir. I will summon the staff. We will be ready to receive you in 15 minutes...” the Canteen Manager said.

15 minutes later – when I reached the CSD Canteen – located in a dilapidated “Nissan Hut” – I found the motley canteen staff assembled there.

The Canteen Manager JCO introduced them to me.

I gave them the usual “motivational” pep talk (which they must have heard ad nauseam from every incoming “Chairman”).

“Is there anything urgent...?” I asked the Canteen Manager.

“Sir – the monthly demand has to go by tomorrow to the CSD depot. I have already prepared the demand list. I will get the demand list to your office for your signature in the afternoon. If you sign it today – I will send someone to the depot first thing in the morning tomorrow...” he said.

“Why bring it to my office? I will sign the demand right now. That’s how we work in the Navy – we do things “right here and right now”...” I bullshitted the JCO.

The Canteen Manager JCO pulled out a huge list from the cupboard.

I was taken aback on seeing the huge demand list – so I asked the Canteen Manager: 

“Why have you made such a huge list...? Is this a bloody military canteen or a departmental store...?”

The Canteen Manager did not say anything.

I started reading the list.

Then – I took out my pen from my pocket – and – I started striking out items from the list with strokes of my pen

“Sir – what are you doing...?” the JCO asked, looking alarmed.

“Why have you ordered so many “cosmetics”...?” I asked him.

“Cosmetics...? Sir...?” he asked, looking clueless.

“Hair Dye, Fairness Cream, Body Lotions, Beauty Soap, Lipstick, Nail Polish, Perfumes…? What the hell is all this...?” I thundered.

“Sir – these “beauty products” are in high demand...” the JCO said.

“Are you telling me that soldiers are using “fairness creams” and colouring their hair with “Hair-Dye”...?” I shouted.

“Sir – some officers…” the JCO mumbled.

I looked at the JCO and said firmly: 

“All “faujis” – yes – all “faujis” – officers and soldiers – all “faujis” are supposed to be tough masculine men – we do not want effeminate “metrosexuals” in the defence services – military men are not supposed to use makeup or cosmetics. Is that clear...?”

“Yes, Sir...” the JCO said, “but the ladies…”

“Which ladies are you talking about…?” I asked the JCO.

“Sir - the “Memsahibs”...” the JCO said

“Oh – “Memsahibs” – “faujans”...” I remarked. 

“Yes, Sir...” the JCO said

“Well – the same principle applies to military wives too – okay. Both “faujis” and “faujans” are supposed to lead simple lives of “thrift and frugality”. Didn’t I tell you before – this is a bloody “military canteen” – not a fancy “beauty store”…” I shouted at the confused Canteen Manager JCO.

I continued to strike off all the “cosmetic” items from the list – while the Canteen Manager watched on.

“Sir – Sir – why have you removed “Hair Fixer” from the demand list...?” he said, looking alarmed.

“Isn’t “hair fixer” a cosmetic...?” I asked.

“No, Sir – “hair fixer” is like a wax – Sir – to put on your beard – so you can tie it up…” the JCO said.

I stroked my handsome full-set Navy beard – and said to the Army JCO: 

“Look at me – I have a proper full-set flowing beard – I never use “hair fixer” – and – I don’t tie up my beard…” 

“Sir – you are in the Navy – in the Army…” the JCO stammered, looking anxious.

He had a point.

Whereas we in the Navy kept our excellent beards free-flowing – personnel in the other services who were allowed to keep beards – they seemed to tie up their beards in some sort of net.

So – in the interest of “jointmanship” and “inter-service camaraderie” – I said to the Canteen JCO: 

“Okay, okay – if you feel “hair fixer” is essential – let “hair fixer” be there on the list…” 

“Thank you, Sir...” the JCO said, looking relieved.

I observed that the CSD canteen staff was looking at me.

I believe in “participative” management – so I decided to involve all the staff. 

I gave the list to the Canteen Manager.

Then – I said to all my canteen staff:

“Come on – all of you – go through the demand list and strike out all cosmetics and beauty products – and also remove all items which are not essential. We should have just one type of every item – for example – we should order just one brand of soap – which is essential for hygiene – soldiers have no need for beauty soaps – do you understand – just have one type of every item which is essential for “faujis” – preferably the cheapest item which “faujis” can afford – I want no fancy or luxury items in this canteen…”

Everyone used their initiative – and “non-essential” items were struck of the list with a vengeance – till the demand was reduced to just one page.

“Sir – what about the “beauty products” we already have stocked in the canteen...? Should we throw them out and write them off...?” a highly motivated “Fauji Johnnie” asked me.

“No – we cannot throw out items in stock. So you can keep selling these cosmetics and beauty products till stocks last – but – there is to be no further procurement of “cosmetic items”...” I said.

The stocks of “beauty products” did not last long.

The first “beauty product” to be “sold out” was Hair Dye.

I came to know that hair-dye was “out-of-stock” during our customary mid-morning Tea Break.

A “Cavalry” Colonel with suspiciously black hair approached me.

The Colonel complained to me that there was no “Hair-Dye” in the CSD Canteen. 

I had never imagined that this “Cavalry” Colonel who strutted around with a pompous swagger was actually a “Metrosexual” in Uniform.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This blog post is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

This is a Revised Version of my article METROSEXUAL SOLDIER written by me on Feb 20, 2015 and posted online in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Blog at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/02/humor-in-uniform-metrosexual-soldier.html  and later on May 17, 2015 at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/05/should-soldiers-use-cosmetics.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/09/metrosexual-in-uniform-military-humor.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/03/humor-in-uniform-new-age-metrosexual.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/05/metrosexuals-in-uniform.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/01/humor-metrosexuals-in-uniform.html