How to Overcome Communication Mismatch

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION 

ARE YOU IN SYNC WITH THE PERSON YOU ARE COMMUNICATING WITH...?


MENTAL FILTERS AND COMMUNICATION MISMATCH
By
VIKRAM KARVE

THE 6 MESSAGES IN INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

Suppose you are talking to someone – say your colleague – or your spouse – or your kid – or your friend – or even a stranger. 

Communication is a “two way process”. 

Assume that there are two of you talking to each other – engaging in interpersonal communication. 

Now – when you speak to someone – you will be watching her – and observing her body language – and similarly – she in turn will be doing the same.

So interpersonal communication will comprise not only verbal speech – but non-verbal cues as well. 

Let us assume that – you say something to the person in front of you – and she says something back to you in reply. 

There will be six messages present in this person-to-person communication process:

1. What you MEAN to say

2. What you ACTUALLY say

3. What the other person HEARS

4. What the other person THINKS is heard

5. What the other person SAYS

6. What you THINK the other person says

Interpretation of Communication (deriving messages from a communication) depends on many factors – ranging from intellectual to emotional to cognitive – all these factors form your MENTAL FILTER.

How you interpret a communication depends on your mental filters at that point of time – which – apart from your intellectual, emotional and cognitive aspects – is also governed by various factors – like your mood, quality and type of relationship with the other person – and – the environment in which the communication is taking place.

And – it is similar for the other person talking to you.

In order to reduce communication mismatch – it is essential that your “mental filter” is in “sync” with the person talking to you – and vice versa. 

Otherwise – there will be ambiguities in the messages exchanged – and this may have undesirable ramifications – and – at times – may even lead to discord and conflict.


AN EXAMPLE OF HOW MENTAL FILTERS DISTORT MESSAGES IN A COMMUNICATION DUE TO SELECTIVE INTERPRETATION 

Let me try to explain this with an illustrative example: 

Imagine that a husband and wife are driving right across Pune – from Wakad to Koregaon Park – one evening – for a party.

Their car crawls at snail’s pace in the heavy traffic on the busy crowded roads of Pune – a city where traffic is the worst nightmare – especially in peak hours like evenings. 

The car is waiting at a red traffic signal.


Suddenly – the traffic signal turns green. 

The wife says to her husband: 

“The signal has become green...!!!”

Now – in his mind’s eye – the husband can interpret this simple communication from his wife in a number of ways.

The way in which he interprets this simple statement made by his wife – depends on his “mental filter” at that point of time. 

The husband’s response to his wife’s simple statement will depend on how he interprets his wife's communication – which in turn will depend on his mental filter (at the point of time). 

Here are a few examples of how the husband will interpret his wife’s simple communication (“The signal has become green...!”) – and how the husband may reply back to his wife: 

1. One husband may think his wife means to say: 

“Can’t you see...? The traffic light has turned green...!!!”

So –he may retort angrily to his wife:  

“Of course I can see that the light has turned green – I am not blind...!!!”

(Remember – the wife merely said: “The signal has become green...!!!”. 

The wife never stated that her husband is blind...)

2. Another husband may think his wife is hurrying him up – and he interpret the meaning of what his wife’s communication as: 

“Come on – you slow-poke – hurry up – we are already late...!!!” 

On interpreting his wife’s communication in this fashion – the husband may snap back at his wife: 

“Don’t unnecessarily hustle me – let me drive properly...!!!”

(Remember – the wife merely said: “The signal has become green...!!!”.

The wife never stated that her husband is a slow-poke and drives too slowly...) 

3. A third “hen-pecked” husband may assume that his wife has started off her nagging again.

So – this husband will say irritably to his wife: 

“Stop your nagging and backseat driving – why don’t you drive the car yourself instead of passing comments...?”

(Remember – the wife merely said: “The signal has become green...!!!”. 

The wife just wanted to draw the attention of her husband to the traffic signal – she had no intention of nagging him...)  

Now – in each of these three cases above – on hearing her husband’s remarks – the wife may either choose to remain silent – or she may “appropriately” respond to the husband’s comments and give him a “befitting reply”. 

If she decides to retort – the husband may reply back. 

And then – the conversation will go on and on. 

The result will be that more “heat” and less “light” is generated – leading to a heated argument – which may escalate into a fight between husband and wife.

What happens if a husband just ignores the wife’s remarks – he remains silent – and he says nothing...?

Well – the wife may interpret her husband’s silence in a number of ways – depending on her mental filter – and she will respond accordingly – and she may say something to her husband again. 

Or – the wife too may remain silent – like her husband. 

This silence of both husband and wife may result in breakdown of verbal communication – though – non-verbal communication may continue.

Remember – SILENCE is a very effective way of conveying non-verbal messages 

Sometimes – silence can be quite powerful too – like they say “a deafening silence”...!!!

Whichever way the wife chooses to give her husband a “befitting reply” – this may provoke the husband further – and the “communication” cycle will continue.


HARMONY OF MENTAL FILTERS FOR EFFECTIVE INTER-PERSONAL COMMUNICATION
HOW TO BE IN SYNC WITH THE PERSON YOU ARE COMMUNICATING WITH

Interpretation of communication – drawing inferences – it all depends on your “mental filters” – doesn’t it...? 

Your mental filters “colour” your cognition – and influence your interpretation of the message in a communication due to various biases or prejudices. 

The sine qua non for Effective Communication is Harmony of Mental Filters. 

And – if there is a “Mismatch in Mental Filters” – the result is “Misinterpretation of Messages” – due to persons interpreting “Implied Meanings” – where there were none.

Like we highlighted in the example of communication between husband and wife – repeated misinterpretation of communication can snowball and spiral into an unhealthy communication cycle – and this can damage inter-personal relationships both at work and at home. 

For example  in a marriage – repeated misinterpretation of mutual communication between husband and wife – due to mismatch in mental filters – may cause disharmony in the relationship – and lead to marital discord – which in turn may snowball into disastrous consequences – and which can – in extremis – even lead to breakdown of the marriage.

So – before you communicate with someone – at work, in society and at home – make sure that your “men–tal filters” are in “sync” with each other (mutually synchronized).

Otherwise – when you talk to someone – you will mean something – but the other person will interpret something else – and this may create serious misunderstandings.

Remember – there are six messages present in a person-to-person communication process. 

So – when you are talking to someone – both of you must make sure that you are in “perfect sync” with each other – so that there is no ambiguity or confusion – and you achieve seamless effective inter-personal communication.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work. 
© vikram karve., all rights reserved. 

Disclaimer:

1. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

     

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

 

Abridged and updated of my article on Effective Communication by Vikram Karve posted in my blogs a number of times including at url links: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/09/are-you-in-sync-with-person-you-are.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/04/effective-communication_20.html and http://creative.sulekha.com/communication-and-mental-filters_66733_blog and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/06/miscommunication.html etc

GIFT BOOMERANG - Learning From Literature - A WORK OF ART - Delightful Short Story

GIFT BOOMERANG - A WORK OF ART - Delightful Short Story

Musings on Learning From Literature

By

VIKRAM KARVE

A WORK OF ART by Anton Chekhov

I have with me a number of shirt pieces and trouser pieces (pant pieces) which have been gifted to me as presents from time to time. 

Since I buy readymade shirts and trousers I wondered what to do with these pieces of top quality cloth. 

So I found a simple solution – whenever there was an occasion I gifted these pieces away as presents. 

Do you know what happened once? 

One such shirt piece went through an entire “gifting circle” and landed back to me as a present.  

The first thing I remembered at that hilarious moment was this classic story by the master storyteller Anton Chekhov – A Work of Art.

This story A WORK OF ART is freely available on the internet for you to read. 

I am giving a link below and I am also posting below the story from the link for your convenience:

http://classiclit.about.com/library/bl-etexts/achekhov/bl-achek-workart.htm

A Work of Art

by Anton Chekhov

(1860-1904)

Sasha Smirnov, the only son of his mother, holding under his arm, something wrapped up in No. 223 of the Financial News, assumed a sentimental expression, and went into Dr. Koshelkov’s consulting-room.

“Ah, dear lad!” was how the doctor greeted him. “Well! how are we feeling? What good news have you for me?”

Sasha blinked, laid his hand on his heart and said in an agitated voice: “Mamma sends her greetings to you, Ivan Nikolaevitch, and told me to thank you.… I am the only son of my mother and you have saved my life…you have brought me through a dangerous illness and…we do not know how to thank you.”

“Nonsense, lad!” said the doctor, highly delighted. “I only did what anyone else would have done in my place.”

“I am the only son of my mother…we are poor people and cannot of course repay you, and.… we are quite ashamed, doctor, although, however, mamma and I…the only son of my mother, earnestly beg you to accept in token of our gratitude…this object, which…An object of great value, an antique bronze.… A rare work of art.”

“You shouldn’t!” said the doctor, frowning. “What’s this for!”

“No, please do not refuse,” Sasha went on muttering as he unpacked the parcel. “You will wound mamma and me by refusing.… It’s a fine thing…an antique bronze.… It was left us by my deceased father and we have kept it as a precious souvenir. My father used to buy antique bronzes and sell them to connoisseurs…Mamma and I keep on the business now.…”

Sasha undid the object and put it solemnly on the table. It was a not very tall candelabra of old bronze and artistic workmanship. It consisted of a group: on the pedestal stood two female figures in the costume of Eve and in attitudes for the description of which I have neither the courage nor the fitting temperament. The figures were smiling coquettishly and altogether looked as though, had it not been for the necessity of supporting the candlestick, they would have skipped off the pedestal and have indulged in an orgy such as is improper for the reader even to imagine.

Looking at the present, the doctor slowly scratched behind his ear, cleared his throat and blew his nose irresolutely.

“Yes, it certainly is a fine thing,” he muttered, “but…how shall I express it?…it’s…h’m…it’s not quite for family reading. It’s not simply decolleté but beyond anything, dash it all.…”

“How do you mean?”

“The serpent-tempter himself could not have invented anything worse.… Why, to put such a phantasmagoria on the table would be defiling the whole flat.”

“What a strange way of looking at art, doctor!” said Sasha, offended. “Why, it is an artistic thing, look at it! There is so much beauty and elegance that it fills one’s soul with a feeling of reverence and brings a lump into one’s throat! When one sees anything so beautiful one forgets everything earthly.… Only look, how much movement, what an atmosphere, what expression!”

“I understand all that very well, my dear boy,” the doctor interposed, “but you know I am a family man, my children run in here, ladies come in.”

“Of course if you look at it from the point of view of the crowd,” said Sasha, “then this exquisitely artistic work may appear in a certain light.… But, doctor, rise superior to the crowd, especially as you will wound mamma and me by refusing it. I am the only son of my mother, you have saved my life.… We are giving you the thing most precious to us and…and I only regret that I have not the pair to present to you.…”

“Thank you, my dear fellow, I am very grateful…Give my respects to your mother but really consider, my children run in here, ladies come.… However, let it remain! I see there’s no arguing with you.”

“And there is nothing to argue about,” said Sasha, relieved. “Put the candlestick here, by this vase. What a pity we have not the pair to it! It is a pity! Well, good-bye, doctor.”

After Sasha’s departure the doctor looked for a long time at the candelabra, scratched behind his ear and meditated.

“It’s a superb thing, there’s no denying it,” he thought, “and it would be a pity to throw it away.… But it’s impossible for me to keep it.… H’m!…Here’s a problem! To whom can I make a present of it, or to what charity can I give it?”

After long meditation he thought of his good friend, the lawyer Uhov, to whom he was indebted for the management of legal business.

“Excellent,” the doctor decided, “it would be awkward for him as a friend to take money from me, and it will be very suitable for me to present him with this. I will take him the devilish thing! Luckily he is a bachelor and easy-going.”

Without further procrastination the doctor put on his hat and coat, took the candelabra and went off to Uhov’s.

“How are you, friend!” he said, finding the lawyer at home. “I’ve come to see you…to thank you for your efforts.… You won’t take money so you must at least accept this thing here.… See, my dear fellow.… The thing is magnificent!”

On seeing the bronze the lawyer was moved to indescribable delight.

“What a specimen!” he chuckled. “Ah, deuce take it, to think of them imagining such a thing, the devils! Exquisite! Ravishing! Where did you get hold of such a delightful thing?”

After pouring out his ecstasies the lawyer looked timidly towards the door and said: “Only you must carry off your present, my boy.… I can’t take it.…”

“Why?” cried the doctor, disconcerted.

“Why…because my mother is here at times, my clients…besides I should be ashamed for my servants to see it.”

“Nonsense! Nonsense! Don’t you dare to refuse!” said the doctor, gesticulating. “It’s piggish of you! It’s a work of art!… What movement…what expression! I won’t even talk of it! You will offend me!”

“If one could plaster it over or stick on fig-leaves…”

But the doctor gesticulated more violently than before, and dashing out of the flat went home, glad that he had succeeded in getting the present off his hands.

When he had gone away the lawyer examined the candelabra, fingered it all over, and then, like the doctor, racked his brains over the question what to do with the present.

“It’s a fine thing,” he mused, “and it would be a pity to throw it away and improper to keep it. The very best thing would be to make a present of it to someone.… I know what! I’ll take it this evening to Shashkin, the comedian. The rascal is fond of such things, and by the way it is his benefit tonight.”

No sooner said than done. In the evening the candelabra, carefully wrapped up, was duly carried to Shashkin’s. The whole evening the comic actor’s dressing-room was besieged by men coming to admire the present; dressing-room was filled with the hum of enthusiasm and laughter like the neighing of horses. If one of the actresses approached the door and asked: “May I come in?” the comedian’s husky voice was heard at once: “No, no, my dear, I am not dressed!”

After the performance the comedian shrugged his shoulders, flung up his hands and said: “Well what am I to do with the horrid thing? Why, I live in a private flat! Actresses come and see me! It’s not a photograph that you can put in a drawer!”

“You had better sell it, sir,” the hairdresser who was disrobing the actor advised him. “There’s an old woman living about here who buys antique bronzes. Go and enquire for Madame Smirnov…everyone knows her.”

The actor followed his advice.… Two days later the doctor was sitting in his consulting-room, and with his finger to his brow was meditating on the acids of the bile. All at once the door opened and Sasha Smirnov flew into the room. He was smiling, beaming, and his whole figure was radiant with happiness. In his hands he held something wrapped up in newspaper.

“Doctor!” he began breathlessly, “imagine my delight! Happily for you we have succeeded in picking up the pair to your candelabra! Mamma is so happy.… I am the only son of my mother, you saved my life.…”

And Sasha, all of a tremor with gratitude, set the candelabra before the doctor. The doctor opened his mouth, tried to say something, but said nothing: he could not speak.

MORAL OF THE STORY

Is there a moral in this story?

Sometimes things boomerang and what goes around may again come around. 

The “gift” (the antique piece candelabra) is a metaphor. 

But this effect of things going in circles and coming back to haunt you is especially evident in what you say (communications, spreading rumours, speaking ill of others etc) and what you do (if you do good, then the good will return back to you, maybe via a different route and similarly evil will reap evil).

As is the case with most stories of Anton Chekhov, notice how this story is breathtaking in its simplicity yet so powerful in delivering the message in a most witty manner. 

If you want to learn the craft of creative writing, especially the genre of short fiction, the first thing you must do is to read the stories of Anton Chekhov and closely observe his storytelling style.

Do read short fiction. 

And in this genre of short fiction there is nothing to beat Anton Chekhov Short Stories.

Happy Reading.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
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© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

     

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Posted by me Vikram Karve earlier in this blog at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/07/a-work-of-art-my-favourite-short.html