What is Good for the “Goose” is Not Good for the “Gander”

WHAT IS GOOD FOR THE “GOOSE” IS NOT GOOD FOR THE “GANDER”

A Spoof

Short Fiction

By

VIKRAM KARVE

(A young woman is being “counselled” by a lady marriage counsellor)

“I think it will be best for you to divorce your husband…”

“What...?”

“Yes – divorce is the best option…”

“How can you say this…? You are a marriage counsellor – you are supposed to “save” marriages – not “break up” marriages...”

“Yes – in most cases – I try to save the marriage. But – in your case – I will recommend immediate separation from your husband – followed by a quick divorce – that will be best course of action for you. In fact – I will advise you to walk out of your husband’s home today itself – and go to live in your parents’ place…”

“Today…? You want me to leave my husband today…?”

“Yes. Your husband has been cheating on you. How can you stay for even one moment with such a deceitful man…? From whatever you have told me – it is clear that your husband has committed adultery – and – he has admitted his infidelity to you…”

“Yes – my husband confessed to me that he had an “affair” – he said “sorry” – and – he promised he would never do it again…”

“Really…? And – you believe him…?”

“He said he was “committed” to me…”

“If your husband was so “committed” to you – he would have been loyal to you – he wouldn’t have had an “extramarital affair”…”

“But…?”

“Please – no “ifs” and “buts” now – you have to be firm and make up your mind quickly. It is a question of your life – you are young – just 25 – you have no children – so – it is best for you to get out of this marriage as quickly as possible. I know a good divorce lawyer…”

“Divorce Lawyer…? Are you sure…? Do I have to act so fast…?”

“Yes – you have to act fast. Why are you looking so flabbergasted…?”

“I am flabbergasted. I thought you would counsel me to save my marriage – I thought you would convince me to accept my husband’s apology and “patch up” with my husband…”

“Patch-up…? There is no question of “patch-up”…”

“But – my husband says he will do his best to improve our relationship…”

“It is all a fake façade. Remember one thing – a relationship damaged by “breach of trust” is damaged forever and can never be improved – so – such a damaged relationship is best terminated. That is why I strongly believe – when a relationship is damaged by “distrust” – it is better to “break up” – rather than try to “patch up”...”

“Distrust…?”

“Your husband has broken your trust. By committing adultery – he has violated the sanctity of marriage. He needs to be taught a lesson – in addition to filing for divorce – I will advise you to file a criminal case against him…”

“Criminal case…?”

“Yes – adultery is a criminal offence – if committed by a man. You don’t worry – the divorce lawyer will handle everything – she will “finish off” your husband – she will bring him to his knees – and – she will ensure that you get the best deal – a good alimony, maintenance, compensation, property share, whatever is possible…”

“Please – please – please…”

“What happened…? You look confused...”

“I never expected you to tell me all this – you want me to divorce my husband – you want me to file a criminal case against him for adultery…”

“So – what did you expect me to tell you…?”

“I thought you would advise me to save my marriage – I thought you would advise me to bring along my husband for counselling – for joint counselling together…”

“Well – I would have done all that had there been “compatibility issues” in your marriage – I would have counselled you to save your marriage by making mutual adjustments – but – where “trust issues” are involved – I advise divorce – especially in cases of adultery – which cannot be forgiven or forgotten…”

“Thank you for your frank advice…” the young woman, 25, says to the lady marriage counsellor, who seems to be her late 40’s.

“I am telling you once again – in your case – the best way is to divorce your husband – be firm and decide quickly – don’t waver – your husband will try all sorts of emotional tricks – but you don’t budge. I will refer you to the divorce lawyer – she is the best in town…” the lady counsellor tells the young woman.

The young woman leaves the lady marriage counsellor’s office.

The lady marriage counsellor looks at the clock on her desk.

It is 6:15 PM in the evening.

She looks at her diary.

The next appointment is at 6:30 PM – the last appointment of the day – so she has time for a cup of coffee.

She pours a cup of coffee from her flask.

Then – the lady marriage counsellor takes out her smartphone from her purse and switches it on (she always keeps her phone “switched-off” during counselling sessions).

She sees a message from her daughter: “Call me. It’s urgent…”

The lady marriage counsellor calls her daughter.

The daughter says: “I am waiting at home. Come home quickly. I want to talk to you urgently…”

“Home…?” her mother – the lady marriage counsellor asks.

“Your home – I am waiting for you inside your flat. You please come home immediately…” her daughter says.

“But – I have an appointment at 6:30…” the lady marriage counsellor says.

“You cancel all appointments – I need you right now…” her daughter says, with desperation in her voice.   

Normally – the lady counsellor never cancels appointments – but – she is worried about the desperation in her daughter’s voice – something seems to be terribly wrong.

So – the lady marriage counsellor reschedules the 6:30 appointment for another day – and – she drives home.

When she reaches home – the lady marriage counsellor sees her daughter looking distraught – sitting on the sofa.

The lady marriage counsellor asks her daughter: “What happened…? Why have you suddenly come here…?”

“I have left my husband – I have decided to divorce him…” the daughter says.

“Divorce…? Have you gone crazy…? What happened…?”

“My husband is having an “affair” – I caught him red-handed with a woman…”

“What…?”

“Yes. My husband is having an “extramarital affair” – bloody adulterous cheat – I can’t stay with him for even one moment now – I have decided to divorce him…”

“Divorce…? Wait. Don’t be so impulsive. We will work it out. You don’t break up a marriage for such a “small thing”…”

“What do you mean by “small thing”…? Is adultery a “small thing”…?”

“Maybe – it is some misunderstanding…”

“I have “evidence” that my husband is having an affair…”  

“You have “evidence”…?”

“Yes…” the daughter says – and – she holds her smartphone in front of her mother and shows her mother some pictures.

After seeing the pictures – the lady marriage counsellor says to her daughter: “But – did you ask your husband about this – did you show him these pictures…?”

“Yes – I asked him the moment he came home in the evening – at first – he denied everything – but – when I showed him the pictures – he “confessed” about his “affair”…”

“Then…?”

“Then what…? I just walked out of the house – I took a taxi – and I came here…”

“Did he try to speak to you…?”

“He is continuously trying to call me – but – I am not answering his calls…”

“You should talk to him…”

“You want me to talk to that adulterous cheat…? There is no question of my talking to him – in fact – I want to send him to jail for committing adultery…”

“Cool down. Don’t be so impulsive. What will you achieve by sending your husband to jail…? What will you gain by divorce…? You are only 25. It is a question of your life. I feel that you should talk it out with your husband – I am sure he is “sorry” for what he has done and he will never do it again – and – I am sure that things will become okay between you two. Divorce is an extreme step – so don’t be reckless about it…”  

After uttering these words of advice to her daughter – the lady marriage counsellor takes out her mobile phone – and she calls up her “adulterous” son-in-law – to “counsel” him on how to “save” his marriage… 

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

 

ALKA and ULKA – a romance

It is a lazy Sunday afternoon here in Pune.

Let me delve deep into my creative writing archives – and pull out a story that I wrote more than 13 years ago – in the year 2004 – after a trip to Hyderabad.

I hope this flirty love story will cheer you up on this hot Sunday afternoon.

Do comment and tell me if you liked this rather amateurish romance.

Have a great week ahead.

And Hey – Dear Reader – please remember that I wrote this story 13 years ago – in 2004 – when online “e-ticketing” was not prevalent and you bought air tickets from a travel agency.

ALKA and ULKA 

Short Fiction - A Flirty Romance

By

VIKRAM KARVE

“Ulka. It’s Ulka – I will spell it out for you – U – L –  K – A – that’s my name – not Alka...” screamed the furious lady.

 

“I’m sorry Ma’am. It’s just a small mistake...” the ticketing clerk, a young girl, said apologetically.

 

“Small mistake...? You spell my name wrongly – and you call it a small mistake...?” the beautiful lady fumed.

 

“I must have heard wrongly on the phone...”

 

“It’s carelessness. Anyway – you change the ticket...”

 

The ticketing clerk took the ticket from the lady.

Then – with her pen the ticketing clerk overwrote ‘U’ in place of the ‘A’ – changing Alka to Ulka.

 

“What nonsense is this...?” the lady flared up – she looked livid.

 

“How does it matter, Ma’am...? It’s just a minor change of spelling. Besides – your surname is spelt correctly.”

 

“Minor change...? You need an attitudinal change...!”

 

“Excuse me, Ma’am...!”

 

“What do you mean “excuse me”...? You just cancel this ticket and issue a new one with my correct name.”

 

“You will have to pay cancellation charges if you cancel the ticket...”

 

“Cancellation charges...? What nonsense...! Why should I pay...? It’s your mistake. You think I am a fool...?” the lady shouted – beginning to lose control of herself..

 

Till this moment – I was just watching from the sidelines.

But now – it was time for me to intervene.

 

“What’s the matter...?” I asked the ticketing girl.

 

“She is creating a big fuss over a minor issue...” the ticketing girl said to me.

 

“Big fuss...! You change my name and it’s a minor issue...? Suppose the plane crashes – what happens to the insurance...? You are incompetent. I will have you fired from your job...! Who is the top man here...?” the lady said, trembling with fury.

 

“Excuse me, Madam...” I said, “May I help you...?”

 

“I want to see the top man here...” the lady shouted – her enormous brown velvety eyes flaming – her flawlessly smooth cheeks flushed – her slender upturned nose luminous, almost translucent – her deliciously juicy lips quivering – in her anger – she looked devastatingly beautiful .

 

“I am the “top man” here...” I said to her.

Then – I turned to the ticketing clerk – and – I said firmly: 

“Issue a fresh ticket with the proper name. Don’t make any mistakes...!”

 

“But, Sir...?”

 

“Just do what I say. Do you understand...!!!” I snapped at the hapless ticketing girl.

Then – I turned to the angry lady – and I said politely to her: 

“Ma’am – please come to my cabin.”

 

After a glass of water – a freshen up – and a cup of coffee – composed and appearing a bit contrite – with the fresh ticket with her correct name on the table in front of her – the beautiful lady said to me: 

“I am sorry for creating a scene – but I get very upset when I am called Alka instead of Ulka. My name is Ulka – and – I do not like to be called Alka....”

 

“I can understand...” I said. “One’s name is important – and people do get touchy if there is a mistake. But then – Alka and Ulka – both names suit you.”

 

“What do you mean...?” she asked, confused.

 

“‘Alka’ means a girl with curly hair. Just like you...!”

 

She blushed – and she asked me: “And ‘Ulka’...? What does ‘Ulka’ mean...?”

 

“Well – ‘Ulka’ means a meteor – a star falling on the earth from the heavens, fire, a torch – or a firebrand...”

 

“Are you telling me that I am a hothead firebrand – or – do I look like a meteor...?” she smiled mischievously. 

The ice had broken. 

Her anger melted.

 

“Alka and Ulka. They sound so similar that one can easily confuse Ulka with Alka which is a more common name...” I said.

   

“I know. But – because of this ‘Alka-Ulka’ slip-up – I have paid a heavy price for it...” she said.

And then – Ulka began to tell me her story. 

I am easy to talk to – and her words came tumbling out.

 

“Around 10 years ago – when I was in my final year at college – a boy saw me in our college canteen – and he fell head over heels in love with me...” she said.

 

“Wow...!” I said.

 

“He was so desperate – that after we had left – he asked a waiter my name – and the stupid waiter made the same mistake – instead of telling the boy that my name was ‘Ulka’ – the waiter told the boy that my name was ‘Alka’...”

 

“But the boy was in your college, isn’t it...?”

 

“No. No. I never noticed him. Must be one of those rich types just hanging out in our college – to ogle at girls. He had fallen so madly in love with me – that he tried to find out my address from our college office.”

 

“Then what happened...?”

“I told you – instead to telling the boy my correct name ‘Ulka’ – the waiter told the Boy that my name was ‘Alka’...”

“Oh...!” I said, waiting for Ulka to continue her story.

 

Ulka looked at me and said: “So the Boy went to the college office and he asked for ‘Alka’ – and unfortunately there was an ‘Alka’ in my class – so they gave him Alka’s address...”

“A goof up...?”

“Now listen to this...” Ulka said, “the Boy takes the address – and then the guy goes to his parents – he gives them the address – and he tells his parents them to meet Alka’s parents and ask for her hand in marriage.”

 

“And then...?”

 

“They saw each other – the Boy and Alka. The Boy realized his goof-up – and he told Alka – he described me accurately to her – and told Alka that he had fallen for me – not her. But – Alka is smart – very smart. She wasn't going to let go of such a prize catch. I don’t know what she did. Maybe she told him there was no one like me in her college – or maybe she lied to him that I was from some other college – or some such yarn – but she must have sure worked on him with all her wily charms – and finally – they did get married. And now – Alka is having a ball of a time loaded in dough – the wife of a wealthy businessman – while I slog it out all alone like a slave – day in and day out...”

 

“You never met the boy after that...?”

 

“No. I never met him in my life. I don’t even know how he looks...”

“How is that possible...?” 

“I told you that I did not notice that the boy was looking at me in the college canteen. He was looking at me – but I did not know that he was looking at me – there was so much rush in the canteen and I was sitting with my group of girls – so I didn’t even seen the boy looking at me...”

“Oh...” 

“In fact – till yesterday – I did not even know all this story that I told you just now...” Ulka said.

 

“You did know all this till yesterday...? Then how did you come to know...?” I asked.

 

“Alka told me...” she said.

 

“Alka...? Here. In Hyderabad...?”

 

“I ran into her at Abids last evening. At the jewellery shop. I was just looking at a string of pearls. Too expensive for me. But Alka bought a lovely pearl necklace and an exquisite diamond studded watch.”

 

“A diamond studded watch...?”

 

“Yes – just imagine – I couldn’t even afford one pearl necklace – but Alka bought a pearl necklace and an expensive diamond studded men’s watch too. Alka’s husband must be rich – she must be loaded with money...”

 

“And then...?”

“I noticed that she was staring at me – so I smiled back. Then – Alka came towards me and introduced herself – “I am ‘Alka’...” – she said to me. Then – she told me that she had recognised me – and she asked me: “Your name is ‘Ulka’ – isn’t it?”...”

“Really...? She directly asked you whether you were ‘Ulka’...? And then what happened...?”

 

“Yes. Then Alka took me out to dinner in a restaurant. Do you remember that I told you that the Boy had told her everything about the name goof-up – well the Boy had accurately described me to her. Alka teased me that her husband still remembers me...”

 

“Alka didn’t invite you home...? To meet her husband...?” I asked

 

“I asked her to take me to her home. I told her that I wanted to meet her husband – the Boy who had fallen for me in our college canteen – but who I had never seen. But – she made up some excuses. Maybe – Alka is scared of letting her husband meeting me. After all – a man’s first love always has an enduring place in his heart...”

 

“That’s really sad...!” 

 

“Yes. Just one small ‘Alka-Ulka’ goof-up – and look at the consequences. She is glowing in matrimony in the lap of luxury – and me – in the abyss – all alone...”

 

“All alone...? You did not marry...?”

 

“No.”

 

“Why...?”

 

“Well – I just don’t seem to like any boy – maybe – I still haven’t got over that Boy, I guess...!” Ulka said.

I paused for a moment.

Then – I looked into Ulka’s eyes – and I said: 

“Well – let me tell you – that what you are imagining – may not be that true...”

 

“What do you mean...?” Ulka asked, looking a bit confused.

 

“Alka’s husband – the “Boy” who fell head over heels in love with you – he is not a hot-shot businessman. Alka’s husband is just the owner of a modest travel agency...” I said.

 

“You know him...?” Ulka asked me.

 

“Of course I know him. That “Boy” is me. I am Alka’s husband...” I said.

 

She froze. 

Then – she melted. 

And then – she broke into a smile. 

We – Ulka and Me – we looked wistfully into each other’s eyes in silence for a long long time.

 

After Ulka left my office – there were just two thoughts perambulating in my mind.

 

Firstly – I wondered what life would have been like if had I married Ulka.

 

Secondly – I wondered why my wife Alka was hiding things from me.

Whereas – my darling wife Alka had gleefully shown me the lovely pearl necklace the moment I reached home last night – I wondered why she had not told me about the exquisite diamond studded men’s watch she had bought along with the pearl necklace at Abids last evening...!!!

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

     

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

 

This Fiction Short Story was written by me Vikram Karve 13 years ago in the year 2004 and Earlier Posted Online a number of times by me Vikram Karve in my Creative Writing Blogs at various urls including: http://creative.sulekha.com/alka-and-ulka-a-short-story-by-vikram-karve_31668_blog  and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2010/11/ulka-and-alka.html  and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/02/alka-versus-ulka-flirty-romance.html  etc