IS IT EASY TO “FORGIVE AND FORGET”…?
How
to deal with Resentment
By
VIKRAM KARVE
Resentment
means “bitter indignation” due to unjust, unfair or deceitful treatment.
Resentment
(a sense of bitterness) occurs because of “perceived injustice” in the past.
Humans
are sensitive emotional entities – so – for most of us – in many cases– perceptions
matter more than facts.
Resentment
is a bitter emotion that has its origins in the past.
The
word “resentment” derives from two Latin words:
“re” (meaning “back”) + “sentire” (meaning “to feel”)
Thus
– resentment is a feeling due to something that has happened in the past (going
“back” in time).
Resentment
develops because of your non-acceptance of something that has already happened in
your past life.
Resentment
comprises “emotional rehashing” – an attempt to “wipe out” the “perceived
injustice” that has already happened – but – such attempts to eradicate the
“wrongs” from your past life – they do not work – because – you are attempting
to do the impossible – you cannot change your past.
Since
the event which is causing resentment has already happened in the past – it
cannot be undone – so – the “root cause” for resentment cannot be corrected –
what has happened has happened – and – you cannot do anything about it.
Resentment
is a way of consoling yourself that you have been wronged and unfairly treated
– and – as a “victim of injustice” – you are “morally superior” to the person
who has “wronged” you.
Resentment
causes “self-pity” – and – you begin to picture yourself as a wronged person –
a “victim” – who was destined to be unhappy.
Resentment
can become an “emotional habit” – and – you may habitually start feeling that
you are a continual “victim of injustice” – and – you will picture yourself as
a “victimized person” who has been “wronged” in life.
Once
you infected by the virus of resentment – in your daily life – you will begin
to “search” for “injustices” – to feed your resentment even more.
I
have observed that – resentful persons feel “good” only when they are
miserable.
Resentment
affects your “self-image” and “self-esteem”.
As
long as you harbour resentment – it will be difficult for you to picture
yourself as a self-confident happy person.
As I
said – resentment has its origins in past events – and – you cannot change the
past – the only way to deal with resentment is in the present – here and now.
In
most cases – your resentment may be towards the person who has caused you the
“injustice”.
In
such cases – the most popular advice is to “forgive and forget”.
But –
this is easier said than done.
Certain
things/persons can be forgiven – and – these will not cause you resentment.
But –
certain things/persons cannot be forgiven – and – these will cause you
resentment.
It
varies from person to person – and – those things that you cannot forgive –
those “unforgivable” wrongs/injustices – they will cause resentment in you.
Yes –
it is these “unforgivable” wrongs/injustices which create resentment in you.
Resentment
means that you cannot “forgive and forget” that particular “unjust” thing or
the person who has “wronged” you.
But –
you can try and mitigate your resentment.
One
practical way of mitigating resentment is to identify the “anchors” which cause
you resentment – and then – avoiding those resentment-causing “anchors”
(stimulus) – by distancing them from your life.
For
example – if your resentment is due to a certain person who has “wronged” you –
or has caused you “injustice” – you will feel resentful every time you see that
person (though you may “fake” emotions of “forced geniality” for the sake of
social graces).
If a
certain person is responsible for your resentment – and – if that person is
around you all the time – your resentment will worsen.
In
such cases – if possible – it is best to remove that person from your life – or
– distance yourself from the person responsible for your resentment.
The “out of
sight” = “out of mind” dictum does
work – and – once you are in a new environment – far away from the source of
your resentment – you will experience that your resentment will dissipate.
In
some cases – your resentment may be associated with an organization or place –
so – the best solution is to quit the organization or relocate from that
place.
Introspect
– and – identify the entity that is causing you resentment – and then – try to
distance yourself from that “toxic” entity.
Let
me give you some hypothetical examples – apocryphal stories:
A man
and a woman had an extramarital affair – they were both married to someone else.
There
were two “victims” of the adulterous relationship – the respective spouses of
the “perpetrators” of the adultery – the “cuckolded” husband of the unfaithful
wife – and – the deceived wife of the unfaithful husband.
The
deceived wife decided to “forgive and forget”.
She
continued to live with her “unfaithful” husband – and – she continued with her
married life – as if nothing had happened
The
cuckolded husband could not “forgive” his unfaithful wife for her betrayal of “sacrosanct”
marital trust.
He
divorced his disloyal “adulterous” wife – and – he decided to “move on” in
life.
Believing
in the “out of sight” = “out of mind” dictum – he asked for a transfer – he
physically relocated to a new place – then – took up a new job and migrated
overseas to begin a new life abroad.
He
broke contact with his ex-wife – and – he focused on enjoying his new life –
and – his positive forward-looking attitude helped him mitigate the resentment
caused by the sordid episode.
He
delinked the “anchors” linked to his resentment.
He
had overcome his resentment and there was no bitterness in him.
He
had got over the sordid episode and he was happy with his new life.
Now –
let us see what happened to the deceived wife of the adulterous husband.
Though
outwardly – she had “forgiven” her unfaithful husband – in her heart – she
still harboured great resentment against her husband for betraying her and
having an extramarital affair.
When
she came to know that her husband was involved in an extramarital affair – she
was devastated by his infidelity – and – she wanted to divorce him.
However
– her own parents/in-laws/family/relatives put great pressure on her to
“reconcile” with her husband – her unfaithful husband begged forgiveness – and
– everyone asked her to “forgive and forget” – and – to continue her marriage.
Though
outwardly – it seemed that she had “forgiven and forgotten” – in her heart –
she was still resentful of her husband for his act of adultery – and – you could
discern that she was still harbouring resentment inside her.
Though
she wore a “mask” and tried to “fake” happiness – there was a strange sadness
in her eyes – she was no longer her earlier bubbly and gregarious self – from
time to time – she disparaged her husband and reminded him of his “sin” – whenever
she had an argument with him – and – it was clear that she despised her husband
due to the resentment caused by his adulterous act of having an extramarital
affair.
Despite
her resentment towards her husband – she continued to live with him – and –
this resentment had made her life miserable.
She
was well qualified – she had a good job – and – she was financially independent
– so – she could have divorced her husband – moved on in life – mitigated her
resentment – and – become happy – just like her counterpart “victim” of the
extramarital affair – the “cuckolded” husband.
But –
she chose to continue living with her unfaithful husband – due to social pressure
– and – under the false belief that “time is a great healer”.
Time
is a great healer.
But –
“Time” alone – may not heal resentment.
You
may require “space” to mitigate your resentment.
Of
course – as I said earlier – it varies from person to person.
Maybe
– there are some “broadminded” spouses – who may not feel resentful – if their
spouses had an extramarital affair – which – they may consider a “minor
indiscretion”.
On
the contrary – some persons may feel resentful for what most others may
consider “small misdemeanours”.
Resentment
can happen in all relationships – personal and professional.
Even
at work – you may feel that you have been unfairly treated – or – feel a sense
of mistrust – this may cause resentment towards your boss or the entire
organization.
I
remember – in the Navy (and Army, Air Force too) – many deserving officers get
“passed over” for promotion due to the steep hierarchical pyramid unique to the
military.
Hence
– many officers get “superseded” at a relatively young age despite being
professionally competent.
Some
superseded officers “forgive and forget” – and – they continue the military
life without any resentment – and – they remain happy and healthy.
Most
superseded officers cannot “forgive and forget” – and – they feel a sense of
resentment towards the organization (Army/Navy/Air Force/Defence Services).
Of
these – some officers resign and quit the Navy/Army/AirForce – and – they “move
on” to a second career in the civilian world.
By
distancing themselves from their earlier organization/environment – these
officers mitigate their resentment in due course.
However
– some resentful officers remain in the Army/Navy/AirForce – and – they become more
and more bitter and rancorous day by day.
These
resentful officers not only make their own lives miserable due to their
resentment – but they also spread unpleasantness and negativity in the
environment – and generate “toxic” vibes which have a demoralizing effect on
everyone in their vicinity.
Some superseded
officers become “bloody-minded” as their resentment makes them spiteful and
acrimonious.
Others
wallow in “self-pity” as they feel that they are “victims” of injustice.
Some
of these “self-pity” type superseded officers try to “drown their sorrows” in
alcohol and slip into the abyss of alcoholism.
The
become alcoholics, destroy their own health and ruin the lives of their
families.
Resentment
can make you miserable – and – in
extremis – if you allow resentment to grow within you – your resentment can
overwhelm you – and – even destroy you.
Remember
– in your personal and professional life – you may feel that you have been
cruelly “wronged” – or – gross “injustice” has been done to you.
Whenever
such a thing happens – you must introspect.
If
you can “forgive and forget” – it is fine
But –
in case you cannot “forgive and forget” – it is best to move on – and try to
mitigate your resentment.
Remember
– each person is different.
Something
that causes resentment in one person – that same thing may not cause resentment
in someone else.
So –
when something demoralizing happens – and if you feel that you have been “wronged”
by someone and you are a “victim” of injustice – you should introspect –
whether you can “forgive and forget” – or – whether it is “unforgivable” and
will give rise to resentment in you.
And
then – you can act accordingly.
Dear
Reader – let me conclude by saying:
Once
a relationship is contaminated by resentment – it is best to end the resentful
relationship.
Yes –
if you cannot “forgive and forget” – rather than let resentment make your life
miserable and worsen your relationship – if feasible – isn’t it better to
“break up” – rather than try to make a pretence of a “patch-up”...?
VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve
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© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
Disclaimer:
1. These are my personal views. They may or may not work for everyone. Please exercise your own due diligence in your life.
2. It is easy to preach, but difficult to practice what you preach. I try my best to practice what I preach (and preach what I practice) to the extent feasible.
3. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
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No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.
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