My Love Life – In a Nutshell : Dating Romance Marriage Affairs

I read somewhere that humans have two basic desires: FOOD and LOVE 

(Some may contemplate a rather sensual connotation for “LOVE” – but I prefer the romantic aspect – so – for me – Love means Romance)

I was quite lucky on the “FOOD” front – I was highly successful in satisfying my Food Desires – which is evident from my “Foodie” Writings in which I have described my Foodie Adventures.

However – as far as “LOVE” was concerned...?

Well – let me tell you about my Love Life in a nutshell...

MY LOVE LIFE – IN A NUTSHELL

Dating Romance Marriage Affairs

A Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE

A GIRL IN EVERY PORT

“I have heard that Naval Officers have a girl in every port – but – so far – we don’t have even one single girl in even one port,” my course-mate said.

“Come on – we were under training. Maybe now – things will look up,” I said.

“Yes,” my course-mate said, “we are lucky to have got Bombay based ships.”

(This story happened more than 38 years ago – in the 1970’s – and those days – Mumbai was called Bombay – but I shall use Mumbai from now on).

“Yes – we are indeed lucky as compared to those poor Vizag guys – they are destined to a desolate life,” I said.

TALENT FOR ROMANCE

“The first thing I am going to do in Mumbai is to get myself a girlfriend...” my friend said.

“Me too...” I said.

My friend succeeded.

I miserably failed.

I just did not have the talent for romance.

Everything had been handed down to me on a platter.

All the conditions to get a girlfriend were ideal. 

I was located in ‘maximum city’ Bombay (now called Mumbai) – and – that too – South Bombay (SoBo) – which had plenty of the best most beautiful, chic and savvy modern girls wanting to be friends with young smart boys like me.

I was on the best ship of the fleet.

And – in those ‘licence-quota-permit Raj’ days – as far as girls were concerned – Navy Officers were in high demand – since we got exotic foreign stuff duty free (especially perfumes) – and these imported goodies were was not available outside – and we had access to the best of clubs and social circles.

(Now – with the advent of liberalization and globalization – the charm of the Defence Services has gone down – since everything we got ‘duty free’ – and much more – all these goodies are freely available to the ‘Civilian Elite’ who are much more debonair and affluent than the Naval Officers of today).

But going back to those ‘good old days’ of the 1970’s – most young Naval Officers had girlfriends – and a few ‘Casanovas’ were having a good time with ‘fleet auxiliaries’.

But – I had drawn a blank.

My coursemate had acquired a ‘girlfriend’ within a few days of our reaching Mumbai – and he was often seen gallivanting with her all over the place.

In my case – I had miserably failed to acquire a girlfriend.

So – instead of wasting my time on trying to romance girls – I focused on food and drink.

DO GIRLFRIENDS MAKE YOU HAPPY...?

Once – after imbibing half a bottle of whisky – followed by a sumptuous Biryani at Olympia on Colaba Causeway – and a delicious ‘Triple Sundae’ ice cream at Yankee Doodle on Marine Drive – I returned to my ship in a happy mood.

Soon – I was fast asleep – enjoying sweet ‘foodie dreams’ in my cabin.

Suddenly – I was rudely jolted awake.

It was my coursemate – who had come over from his ship – which was tied up alongside next to my ship.

“I am very upset – I want to talk to someone – and you are my best friend,” he said.

“Yes – once upon a time I was your ‘best friend’ – but now – you have got your darling girlfriend who you call ‘Honey’...” I said angrily.

“It’s about her – I just saw her off at the airport – she is on a long haul flight plan – she will be away for two weeks…” he said.

His girlfriend was an Air-Hostess who flew on international routes.

“Okay – so you can join me for food and drink till she comes back…” I said.

“No – it’s not that – she wants to marry me …” he said.

“So – get married,” I said.

“It is not so simple – my parents won’t agree – her parents want her to continue he job too – and in her airline – an ‘air-hostess’ has to quit the moment she gets married. It is all very complicated – I have realized that falling in love has complicated my life…” he said sadly.

And then – he went on and on...

He told me his entire ‘sob story’...

My lovesick friend totally disturbed my sleep – by narrating his ‘love woes’ till early morning.

I thought that having a girlfriend made you happier.

But – exactly the opposite had happened to my otherwise cheerful friend.

He appeared to have become miserable after falling in love.

I said to myself: “If having just one girlfriend had done this to him – just imagine the situation of those Casanovas with multiple girlfriends…!”

It seemed that a ‘zero-girlfriend’ guy like me was much happier than my counterparts who had girlfriends.

FOOD = FIXED DEPOSIT

I realized that – ‘Food’ was a Safe Investment like a Fixed Deposit.

Yes – focusing your energies on eating good food was like buying a Fixed Deposit in a Nationalized Bank.

It was a stable situation.

Maybe – the ‘returns’ were lower – but for the time and money you spent on food – you got a guaranteed ‘Return on Investment’ (ROI). 

Yes – ‘investing’ in Food gave you a guaranteed ‘Return’ – maybe not a very high ‘Return on Investment’ (ROI) – but a safe steady predictable ‘Return on Investment’ (ROI) – just like Bank Fixed Deposits.

ROMANCE = STOCK MARKET

On the other hand – ‘Romance’ was a Risky Investment like the Stock Market.

Acquiring a girlfriend was like trading in a volatile share.

Romance is an emotionally volatile relationship – similar to a financially volatile stock market. 

It was just like the ‘returns’ from the stock market which were fluctuating and unpredictable – and could vary from high to low – with dynamic changes every moment.

Yes – the ‘Return on Investment’ (ROI) that you got from a Romantic Relationship could swing between Agony and Ecstasy

A ‘ZERO-ROMANCE’ LOVELESS BACHELOR LIFE

So – being ‘risk-averse’ – I was content to spend my ‘zero-romance’ loveless bachelor life enjoying good food and drink. 

Of course – I did make some efforts to ‘fall in love’.

But – sadly – No girl was willing to fall in love with me.

My few attempts at dating girls ended in disaster. 

So – I resigned myself to the fact that ‘love marriage’ was not in my destiny.

And – hence – I settled for an ‘arranged marriage’.

EXTRA MARITAL ROMANCE

As a newly married couple – my wife and I – along with our pet Lhasa Apso girl Sherry – the three of us – we lived in a lovely one room flat in Curzon Road Apartments in New Delhi.

One evening – we were sitting in Nathu’s Sweets – in Bengali Market – one of our favourite places – where we often walked down in the evenings.

There was a group of beautiful girls sitting nearby – and my eyes were focused on them.

Yes – I was ogling at the pretty girls – as most young men do – or want to do.

One girl seemed particularly attractive – and I was staring at her quite blatantly – with frank admiration in my eyes.

My wife followed my gaze.

She was quite amused to see me looking at the pretty girls so intently – especially the yearning look I gave to that most gorgeous girl who seemed to be the object of my total attention.

Suddenly – my gaze shifted.

My wife was curious.

Was there a new ‘object’ which had captured my attention?

She followed my gaze – to see where I was looking.

On observing the new ‘object of my attention’ – my wife started laughing.

A tray of sweets was being brought in from the kitchen – and my eyes had ‘locked on’ to the mouthwatering sweets like a Radar ‘locks on’ to its target.

The tray was heaped with my favourite sweet – the inimitable ‘Lavang Lata’.

Soon – I was fully focused on eating my Lavang Lata – totally oblivious to my surroundings.

And – I seemed to have completely forgotten about those beautiful girls sitting on the table nearby.

In fact – I was so absorbed in savouring the delicious ‘Lavang Lata’ – and I was enjoying myself so totally – that I even forgot about my wife sitting opposite – who was not quite relishing the dish of ‘Lavang Lata’ that I had ordered for her too.

“So – it seems that you found the ‘Lavang Lata’ more enticing than those beautiful girls…” my wife said to me.

“Of course – I love good food – there is no greater love than the love of food…” I said.

And then – while walking back home – I told her about my failed attempts to romance during my Mumbai days.

I explained to her why I preferred food to romance – about my theory:

‘Food is like a Fixed Deposit’  versus  ‘Romance is like the Stock Market’.

My wife looked at me and said: 

“Someone had told me that a Naval Officer has a girl in every port – but looking at you – I am convinced that you did not have even a single girl in any port – in fact – you must have had a ‘foodie joint’ in every port…” 

EPILOGUE 

My wife was right – I did not have even a single girlfriend during my bachelor days.

But – after I got married – my luck improved – and – girls wanted to be friends with me – and – slowly but surely – I started having girlfriends – and – today – I have plenty of girlfriends – a few ‘real’ – and – most ‘virtual’ – especially after the advent of internet – most of my girlfriends are in the online ‘virtual’ world of cyberspace.

It is funny – isn’t it...?

Not a single girl wanted to be my friend before marriage (when I was a most ‘eligible’ bachelor)

And then – when I was ‘much married’ – and – no longer ‘eligible’ – so many beautiful “girls” wanted to be friends with me.

Can someone please explain this paradox. 

But – let me tell you the one important precaution I take when making friends with girls – I get my girlfriends “approved” by my “Better Half”.

Yes – all my real life “offline girlfriends” have been duly “Approved” by my “Better Half”.

And – as far as my “online girlfriends” are concerned – I know that my virtual interactions with them are being rigorously monitored by my “Better Half”. 

Ha Ha – so I can say that all my girlfriends are “approved girlfriends”.

Yes – if you are a married man – it is always better to get your girlfriends approved by your “Better Half” – it is safer that way – you have a clear conscience – and – you can have a transparent friendship – without the fear of being “found out”. 

I am sure it is the same with married women too – isn’t it better to get your husband’s approval before having a “Boyfriend”...? 

By the way – my “Better Half” approved of all my “girlfriends” – except one. 

Ha Ha – about her – I will tell you next time.

Till then – have fun – and do tell me if you liked the story of my “Love Life”

VIKRAM KARVE

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Disclaimer:

1. This story is a spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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This is a revised version of my story A GIRL IN EVERY PORT posted online by me Vikram Karve earlier in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal blog on 13 May 2015 at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/05/humor-in-uniform-girl-in-every-port.html  and reposted by me later at url:  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/09/my-love-life-dating-romance-marriage.html  etc