Humor in Uniform : From the Frying Pan into the Fire

Humor in Uniform

Here is an unforgettable vignette from my Navy Life.

This hilarious episode happened 36 years ago – in the year 1980.

FROM THE FRYING PAN INTO THE FIRE

A Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE

In the Army there used to be an appointment called “Colonel Commandant”.

Sometime in the 1970’s – the Navy decided to imitate the Army – and the Navy appointed “Captain Commandants” – one for each branch (Executive, Engineering, Electrical and Supply & Secretariat).

[The Supply & Secretariat (S&S) Branch was later abolished. Soon – the “powers-that-be” realized that abolishing the S&S Branch was a big blunder – so they brought back the S&S Branch under a new “avatar” renamed as “Logistics” Branch].

One day – I was appointed as “Liaison Officer” to our Captain Commandant who was visiting our Naval Establishment.

The Captain Commandant was a recently retired Rear Admiral.

By sheer coincidence – both of us had studied engineering at the same institution before joining the Navy.

Of course – he had studied engineering in the 1940’s before joining the Navy as a Direct Entry Officer – and I had done my B. Tech. the 1970’s before joining the Navy as a Sub Lieutenant under the University Entry Scheme.

The Captain Commandant asked me about myself.

When he discovered that we were fellow alumni – he started talking freely with me.

He told me memories of his college life – and he talked about his early days in the Navy.

The Captain Commandant had a great sense of humour.

“They did not make me a Vice Admiral. Instead – they retired me off and made me “Captain Commandant” – and now I am on a “Bharat Darshan” tour listening to sob stories,” he laughed.

“Sob stories?” I asked.

He looked at me – and he said: “Don’t you know the job of a Captain Commandant?”

“No, Sir,” I said.

“I am supposed to solve problems of officers and sailors of my branch. I hope you don’t have any problems?” he said.

“Sir, actually I have a problem – rather a request...” I hesitantly said.

“Speak up – tell me your problem – feel free...” he said.

“Sir, I want to get out of this horrible desolate place. Can you please get me transferred to Bombay?” I said.

(Mumbai was called Bombay then).

“You want a transfer to Bombay. Why? This place is the alma mater of our branch. Don’t you like instructional duties?” he asked.

“Sir, I am a bachelor – and for a bachelor – this place is terrible,” I said.

The Captain Commandant smiled – and he said, “Let me see what I can do.”

As a good Liaison Officer – I looked after the “Captain Commandant” during his busy schedule.

I was by his side for all the official events – Ceremonial Divisions – his “Pep Talk” to Officers and Sailors – Tea Party with Junior Sailors – “Booze Up” with Senior Sailors – and the grand formal “Mess Night” at the Wardroom Officers’ Mess.

Next morning – he had a long one-to-one discussion with our Commanding Officer (CO).

I waited outside in the Staff Officer’s office.

Then – we were off to the airport.

“Regarding your request for transfer – I spoke to your CO – in fact – I also spoke to the Director at Naval Headquarters on phone...” the Captain Commandant said.

“Sir – am I being transferred to Bombay?” I asked excitedly.

“I am afraid not. There is no chance of you being transferred out of this place. Your CO is not willing to spare you. And – the Director said that you have just come here after your sea-time –and – they intend keeping you here for at least three years more,” he said.

I was heartbroken.

Seeing the dismay on my face – the Captain Commandant said: “Don't worry. We will solve your problem. We will find you a good wife...”

“Sir – what are you saying…?” I exclaimed, totally bewildered.

“Well, I can’t get you transferred out of this place – so let me do the next best thing to help you out. The root cause of your problem is because you are a bachelor – you feel lonely in this desolate place. Once you are married – your problem of loneliness will be solved. Let me tell you that this is the best place for newly married couples – you will get a nice house immediately once you are married – this is the only Navy Station with 100% married accommodation...” he said.

“Sir, please don’t pull my leg...” I said.

“I am not pulling your leg. I am serious. My wife is heavily into this matrimonial match-making business – she knows lots of marriageable girls – daughters of Senior Naval Officers. She will find a suitable bride for you. Just send me your details and I will pass it on to her...” the Captain Commandant said.

I did not send him my details. 

I did not want to trouble the “Captain Commandant” to find a bride for me.

The “Captain Commandant” had more important things to do than run a Navy Matrimonial Service. 

Also – I was in no mood to get married – and – besides – acquiring a “SODA” Wife was like jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

[By “SODA” – I am referring to Senior Officers Daughters Association (SODA)] 

(By the way – I managed to escape from this desolate place within a few months – since I got selected for the M. Tech. course at IIT Delhi – and – one year later – I married a “SODA” – albeit an Army one)

VIKRAM KARVE

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Disclaimer:

1. This story is a spoof, satire pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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Revised Version of my article CAPTAIN COMMANDANT posted by me online on my blog earlier on 13 Jan 2015 at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/01/humor-in-uniform-captain-commandant.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/06/humor-in-uniform-navy-matrimonial.html