HUMOR IN UNIFORM
THE MACHO “HE-WOMAN”
Gender Dilemma of a Woman in a Man’s Profession
A Fictional Spoof
By
VIKRAM KARVE
THE MACHO “HE-WOMAN” – A Fictional Spoof by Vikram Karve
“Good evening.”
“Good evening, Sir.”
“May I join you?”
“Of course, Sir.”
“There is a party going on outside – and you are sitting here all alone in the bar – drinking Rum – and drowning your sorrows. Come on outside and enjoy the party.”
“Please, Sir. If you could please excuse me. I am feeling a bit low.”
“I know. “He” told me. That is why I have come to talk to you.”
“Oh, Shit. “He” told you, Sir...?”
“Yes. He told me that you proposed marriage to him. You asked him to marry you – and – he turned you down. I know that you are feeling really bad. But – tell me – is drowning your sorrows in alcohol going to solve your problem...?”
“I love him, Sir. I thought he loved me too. His rejection has shattered me, Sir.”
“Well – he is feeling bad too. In fact – he is feeling so guilt-ridden and embarrassed – that he has requested for an immediate transfer from here – even if he is posted to a field area. He told me your proposal for marriage came as a complete surprise.”
“Surprise...? Did he say that my proposal came as a surprise to him...? We have been such good friends – and we got along so well. I thought he would love to marry me – and – I felt that maybe he was feeling shy to propose to me. So – I asked him to marry me. I thought he would be delighted. I was sure he would say “YES” – but – I was totally shocked when he said “NO”. Yes, Sir – I was very disappointed when he refused marriage my proposal. I just don’t know why he does not want to marry me.”
“Tell me – how many men want to marry “macho women”...? How many men want a “masculine” wife who gives their machismo a competition...? I think you intimidate him by your demeanour.”
“I don’t understand, Sir.”
“He told me he likes you as a friend – as a buddy – but – he cannot visualize you as a wife.”
“He can’t visualize me as a wife...? Why is that, Sir...?”
“In your endeavour to be “one of the boys” – you have actually started exhibiting male traits – you walk like a man – you talk like a man – you laugh like a man – you dress like a man – you even drink like a man – in fact – in your bearing, your actions, your demeanour – I have noticed that you do almost everything like a man. In your desperate ambition to prove yourself in the Army – you try to outdo the men themselves.”
“But what can I do, Sir...? I am the only Lady Officer in this unit – and – I am surrounded by male officers. And the soldiers are all men. I am a woman in a man’s profession. I must project a tough image.”
“Tough image...? So – that is why you are putting on an act – and – you are trying to pose as a “macho” man...? You know – sometimes – image can become reality. This can be dangerous. Remember one thing. When a woman tries to masquerade as a man – sometimes – she may land up being a “He-Woman”...”
“He-Woman”...?”
“Yes. That’s what they have nicknamed you. They call you “He-Woman”...!”
“Sir – do all the Officers call me “He-Woman”...?”
“Yes – everyone calls you “He-Woman”...”
“That is terrible, Sir. Why should they make fun of me like that...?”
“By the way – tell me – were you shopping at the Mall on Sunday evening...? There was a gang of girls with you, isn’t it?”
“Yes, Sir. I had gone out with my civilian college friends.”
“You all had plenty of ice cream at the food court.”
“Yes, Sir. How do you know...?”
“I was there.”
“I didn’t see you, Sir.”
“But – I did notice you. You were looking so pretty in that bright red dress. You are so fair, so good-looking – that any bright colour suits you so well. I must say that I never imagined that you can look so beautiful.”
“Thank you, Sir.”
“Then why do you deglamorize yourself when you are in the unit...? Why do you go out of your way to look like a “Plain Jane”...? And – that too – like a “macho type” masculine looking “Plain Jane”...?”
“Sir – how can I “deck up” in uniform...?”
“No one is asking you to “deck up” in uniform. And – I know you have to dress a bit soberly out here in the officers mess in the evenings too. I am just asking you bring out the girl hiding inside you. Just be yourself. There is no need to put on a “macho act” and try to look harsh. That’s why you are becoming a “He-Woman”. Nature has made you a woman. Why are you trying to be a man? Why don’t you be your natural self? Why don’t you just be the normal woman you are? There is no need to put on a fake “macho” act. You are a “Faujan” – why try to be a “Fauji”...? I hope you understand what I am trying to convey.”
“Yes, Sir.”
“Well – it is for you to resolve your gender dilemma. You have to decide for yourself. Remember – a “He-Man” is attracted to “She-Woman” – not a “He-Woman”. So – you better start projecting yourself as a “She-Woman”. But – if you are still adamant on being a “He-Woman” – then – you better start looking for a “She-Man”...”
“Yes, Sir.”
“What do you mean “Yes, Sir”...? Come with me. Let’s go out and join the party.”
“You go ahead, Sir. I’ll go to my room – I will freshen up and get myself organized for the party.”
“Organized...?”
“I’ll put on something good, Sir – a fashionable dress – and – I think I need to “doll up” my face and make myself more attractive. I want to look beautiful and desirable – like a “She-Woman”...”
“That’s good. But remember one thing.”
“What, Sir...?”
“You are my Adjutant. Tomorrow morning – in office – I want my “He-Woman” back in action...!!!”
VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve
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© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
Disclaimer:
1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Copyright Notice:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.
Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
