Humor
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“FAMILY PLANNING”
Fiction Short Story
By
VIKRAM KARVE
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Circa 1970’s
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PART 1
HORNY
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“They are not going to chop off your balls…” I said to Horny, “it’s just
a minor incision…”
“No. No. I don’t want to do it…” Horny pleaded, in an apprehensive
voice.
“It’s not “castration” – it’s a simple vasectomy…” I said to him.
“I am enjoying a good sex life…” he said, “I don’t want anyone meddling over
there…”
“Your sex life won’t be affected – in fact – your sex life will
improve…” I said, trying to assure him.
“Improve…? How…?” he asked, still unconvinced.
“You will ejaculate normally – only – your semen won’t have sperm – so –
there will be no fear of pregnancy – so – you can enjoy unrestrained sex…” I
said, trying to convince him.
But – Horny wouldn’t budge.
“I don’t want to do this vasectomy operation…” he said, with a tone of
finality.
“Okay…” I said, “I’ll have to tell the CO…”
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It all started with that letter on “Family Planning” from Headquarters.
The letter said that all married personnel with
two or more children were to be “motivated” to get sterilized.
The Commanding Officer (CO) was required to forward a “completion
report” within 15 days.
On our ship – there were quite a few potential “candidates” – most had 2
children – a few had 3 children – and “Horny” topped the list with 4 children.
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“You’ve got four children…!!!” the CO bellowed at Horny.
“Sir – it’s not my fault…” Horny said to the CO.
“What do you mean “it’s not your fault”…? You made her pregnant –
didn’t you…? Or – is someone else screwing your wife…?” the CO shouted at
Horny.
“No, Sir – we had 2 daughters – we wanted a son – so – we took a 3rd
chance – and – twins were born – what can I do, Sir – I expected a son – but –
I got twins…” Horny said to the CO.
“Twins…? Both daughters…?” the CO asked Horny.
“One Son and One Daughter…” Horny said.
“That’s good. So – your desire to have a son is fulfilled. Now – just
get that “family planning operation” done pronto – okay…?” the CO said to
Horny.
‘Sir – I don’t want to…” Horny was speaking – when the CO rudely
interrupted him.
“What do you mean “You don’t want to”…? You will bloody well have
to do it – that’s an order – do you understand…?” the CO hollered at Horny,
“Now – get out my sight…”
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After Horny had left – the CO looked at me.
“Tell me – “Doc” – what about the others…?” the CO asked me.
“Sir – I have made a list of those with 2 or more children – some have
already undergone vasectomy – like you, Sir…” I said to the CO.
“I know that…” the CO shouted, “what about the others…?”
“Sir – all those who are unsterilized – they are being “motivated” –
most of them have agreed…” I said to the CO.
“And when are you going to get the job done…? I have to submit a
completion report to Headquarters – they are taking it very seriously…” the CO
said to me.
“Sir – there is a special sterilization camp in the Dockyard Dispensary
tomorrow – I have already spoken to the Medical Officer…” I said to the CO.
“That’s good…” the CO said, “You will personally march all those
“eligible” buggers to the Sterilization Camp and get them “chop-chopped” – do
you understand…?” the CO said to me.
“Aye Aye, Sir…” I said to the CO, “they are eligible for 3 days SIQ
after vasectomy, Sir…”
“Give them 5 days SIQ – I don’t care …” the CO said, “but I want the job
done 100% – all buggers with two or more children are to be sterilized by
tomorrow evening – I want to be the first CO to send a 100% completion report
to Headquarters…”
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Dear Reader – if you are aware of the situation in the 1970’s – when
this story happened – you may understand why the CO was so anxious about
rendering the “completion report” on implementation of family planning norms.
The family planning drive was enforced with full “enthusiasm”.
At first – “small family norms” were encouraged – and – there were
slogans like “Small Family Happy Family and “Hum Do – Humare Do” [We Two
(Parents) and Our Two (Children)] etc.
Initially – birth control measures like condoms, contraceptive pills, IUDs
(copper-T) etc. were propagated – to have a gap between children – and – sterilization
(nasbandi) was encouraged for those with two or more children – and – various
incentives like special increments in pay, family planning allowances,
subsidies etc. were offered to those who got themselves sterilized.
Later – though on paper – family planning measures were voluntary and
there was no forced sterilization – disincentives were introduced to those who
refused to adopt “small family norms” – also – “coercive tactics” were
sometimes used – and “sterilization targets” were given to organizations.
An example of these “family planning tactics” was the letter which had
landed on the CO’s table directing that all married personnel with two or more
children were to be “motivated” to get sterilized and a “completion report” was
required to be submitted.
It may not be true – but – there were rumors that some organizations had
given individual targets to officers – each officer was required to “sponsor”
at least two individuals for sterilization otherwise pay was withheld.
In short – there was immense pressure to get all married persons with
two or more children adopt permanent family planning measures (sterilization)
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PART 2
“NASBANDI”
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The next evening – after the “sterilization camp” – I reported to the
CO.
“Sir – the sterilization drive has been completed successfully – all
vasectomy operations were done today…” I said to him.
“Excellent – Well Done…” the CO said to me, “I want you to immediately send
a “completion report” that 100% of personnel with two children and above have
been sterilized – also – attach a list of those who have been sterilized today
at the camp…”
I looked at the CO – hesitating to give him the “bad news”.
“Sir…?” I mumbled – with a bit of trepidation.
“What is it…?” the CO asked me.
“Sir – Horny…” I hesitated.
“What about Horny…?” the CO asked me – raising his eyebrow.
“Sir – he refused to get the vasectomy done…” I said to the CO.
On hearing this – the CO got furious and blew up into angry rage.
“That bugger is going to screw my ACR…” the CO shouted at me.
“Sir – if he doesn’t want to get sterilized – let him be – Sir – I haven’t
understood how it going to affect your ACR…” I said to the CO.
“Are you dumb or something…? Next year is my promotion board – this is
my last ACR before the promotion board – a critical ACR – we are a large batch
of Captains and there are very few vacancies of Rear Admiral – very stiff competition
– just one negative point can ruin my chances of promotion – it will look bad
to the “higher ups” if I am the only CO has not been able to implement Family
Planning directives. Do you understand…?” the CO said to me.
“Yes, Sir…” I said to the CO.
“I don’t want my career ruined just because of one obstinate bugger…”
the CO said, “I want Horny to be sterilized tomorrow – I don’t care how you do
it – in fact – why don’t you do his vasectomy in the sick bay right now…?”
“Me, Sir…?” I said, surprised.
“Why not…? It’s a simple operation – isn’t it…?” the CO said to me.
“Yes, Sir – but I don’t know if I am authorized…” I was speaking – when the
CO interrupted me.
“Then – get the bloody authority – I see in the news that everyone is doing
“nasbandi” operations – even nurses – you get hold of that bugger Horny and just
do his “nasbandi” – or get it done – the “completion report” must go tomorrow…”
the CO said firmly.
“Aye Aye, Sir…” I said to the CO.
“I’ll tell the XO to put some sense into Horny’s head – and – Horny is
not to proceed ashore till he is sterilized…” the CO said to me.
“Yes, Sir…” I said to the CO.
I saluted the CO – and – I exited from his cabin.
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Story to be continued…
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