Humor – A Story from from My Navy Days – The “English Speaking” Dockyard Matey

A few days ago – I saw the hilarious spectacle of a lady forcing her small daughter to speak to in English.

The lady herself did not seem quite fluent in English,

Her smattering of malapropisms was quite amusing.

Yet – she insisted on speaking in English – and – she was forcing her daughter to speak in English too.

It seemed as if she were embarrassed to speak in her own mother tongue – despite the fact that she was fluent in her mother tongue – and all the persons she was conversing with – they all understood the vernacular language – which was her mother tongue.

Do you see this phenomenon – parents discouraging children from speaking in their mother tongue and encouraging them to speak in English...?

This reminds me of an episode that happened long back – around 22 years ago – when I was in the Naval Dockyard at Mumbai. 

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THE “ENGLISH SPEAKING” DOCKYARD MATEY

Story from My Navy Days

By  

VIKRAM KARVE 

This story happened around 22 years ago – in the year 2000 – when I was in Naval Dockyard Mumbai.

This a story of a “Dockyard Matey” – as we affectionately call Dockyard Workmen. 

“Dockyard Matey” is the traditional nickname for Non-Navy Civilian Personnel working in a Naval Dockyard. 

You will be surprised to know that the Navy probably has more civilian personnel than men in uniform – yes – there are a large number of “Naval Civilians” in dockyards, depots, repair yards, shore establishments etc 

In fact – most of the maintenance and logistics units of the Navy have a significant proportion of civilian personnel.

A large majority of the Naval Civilian Personnel work in the two premier Naval Dockyards which play the vital role in keeping warships and submarines in good repair – seaworthy and fighting fit. 

“Dockyard Mateys” are tradesmen – ranging from highly skilled/experienced technical experts right down to to semi-skilled/unskilled workers (the designation “unskilled” is a misnomer because even the USLs (Unskilled Labour) are highly proficient workmen). 

Except for a handful of Navy Sailors in a few departments – Naval Dockyards are staffed entirely by Civilian Personnel – but – Naval Dockyards are entirely managed by Uniformed Naval Officers.

Yes - the Admiral Superintendent, General Managers, Managers, Deputy Managers and Assistant Managers are Technical Officers of the Navy – and – for a Naval Officer of the Technical Branches – a Dockyard Appointment is considered a Prestigious “Criteria” Appointment. 

(I have served a total of 10 years of my long Navy career in both the premier Naval Dockyards in Mumbai and Vizag)

Whereas the Naval Fleets/Flotillas are the frontline afloat component of the Navy – the Naval Dockyards (which keep the Warships/Submarines in good repair and fighting fit) can be considered as the “frontline” shore-based component of the Navy.

Hey – I have digressed.

Now – let me get back to my story. 

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STORY OF THE DOCKYARD “MATEY”

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The “Dockyard Matey” (Dockyard Worker) in the story was a USL (Unskilled Labour).

The beauty about him was that he took immense pride in speaking English.

He insisted on answering in English – even if someone spoke to him in Hindi or Marathi – which was his mother tongue.

He was cleaning my office one morning – when the phone rang.

So – the “Dockyard Matey” picked up the phone.

A Naval Officer from Delhi wanted to speak to me.

“He is no more...” the “Dockyard Matey” answered.

“He is “no more”...?” the Naval Officer from Delhi asked – stunned on hearing these words.

The Officer from Delhi was totally shocked and taken aback by the shocking news of my untimely and sudden “death”.

Still recovering from the shock – the Officer from Delhi commiserated with the “Dockyard Matey” – and – the Naval Officer said to the worker: 

“Oh – I really did not know that “he is no more” – I am very sorry to hear this...”

With these words of condolence – the Officer from Delhi disconnected the phone.

The “Dockyard Matey” felt good.

He felt proud that he had communicated superbly in English. 

In fact – he had matched the Naval Officer from Delhi – word for word – in the English Language.

After a few moments – the concerned Officer from Delhi rang up the General Manager (GM) of the Dockyard to inquire about me.

“He is sitting right in front of me...” the GM said. 

“What...?” the Officer from Delhi exclaimed over the phone, surprised. 

Then – the Officer from Delhi told the GM about the phone call – that he had been told by someone in my office that I was “no more” 

“Oh – he has been transferred to another department – He is no longer Manager “XXX” – now he is Manager “YYY”...” the GM said.

We all had a good laugh. 

This is what had happened. 

The worker had said: “he is no more”.

What he meant to convey was: “he is no more here” (in this department).

He had just missed out one word: “here”  

And – the meaning had changed. 

I was assumed to be dead. 

In Navy parlance – I was “consigned” to the “Davy Jones’ Locker”.

Or – was it a “Freudian slip”...?

Not likely – since the “Dockyard Matey” – an innocent USL – was really a nice guy – who just wanted to show off his proficiency in the English Language.

It was just a case of “Effective” Communication. 

So – next morning – I went back to my old office – and – I gifted him a copy of a book on “English Speaking and Conversation” 

(which I had bought for him the previous evening on my way home after the hilarious incident).

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PS: 

During my long career in the Navy – I received immense love and loyalty from my sailors. 

But – I have a special place in my heart for the “Dockyard Mateys” with whom I worked in both the Naval Dockyards – I can never forget the genuine warmth and affection with which they cared for me and looked after me. 

By the way – even after retirement – I am still in touch with the “Dockyard Matey” in the story – and – yes – even now – he speaks to me in English – in flawless English. 

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VIKRAM KARVE

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Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

3. E&OE

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This story was written by me Vikram Karve more than 22 years ago in the year 2000 and posted online by me a number of times in my various blogs including at urls: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/04/effective-communication.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/07/humor-in-uniform-freudian-slip-or.html  and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/11/humor-in-uniform-sudden-death.html  and https://karvediat.blogspot.com/2017/08/humor-freudian-slip.html  and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/08/humor-in-uniform-english-vinglish.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2019/07/humor-story-from-my-naval-dockyard-days.html etc

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