Am I a Victim of “Gaslighting”…?
Story
by Vikram Karve
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GASLIGHTING
“Gaslighting”
means trying to convince someone that they are wrong even when they are not
wrong.
Gaslighting
is a form of emotional abuse in which people try to manipulate your emotions
and make you feel guilty about something that is not your fault – but – in fact
– it may be their fault – for which they should feel guilty about.
The
aim of gaslighting is to make you feel guilty about something that you don’t
need to feel guilty about.
Let
me give you a recent example from my own life.
We
(my wife and I) – we are looking after my mother.
My
sister neglects her duty to look after my mother.
Yes
– for the last 20 years – my sister has consistently shirked her duty and
avoided looking after my mother – and whenever the need arose – it was we (my
wife and I) who had to take care of my mother. Even now – my mother is living
with us – and my sister is not even offering to look after her for a few days.
So –
in a nutshell – my sister is constantly shirking her responsibility and
avoiding her duty of looking after her mother.
However
– my sister tries to “gaslight” me by creating an impression that I am not looking
after my mother “properly”.
My
sister does this by indirectly (by remote control).
She
keeps calling my mother on phone and manipulates her emotions in such a way
that – despite the fact that it is we who are looking after my mother – a few
days ago my mother called me “selfish”.
Believe
it or not – we (my wife and I) – we look after my mother – and I am called “selfish”
– and – my sister who neglects my mother is projected as a most “caring” person.
Let
me make it clear that it is my wife who is doing much more than me in taking
care of my mother. My wife has an extremely caring nature and goes out of her
way look after my mother and make her feel comfortable – and she has done so
for the last 20 years – especially during my mother’s two hospitalizations and long
convalescences that took a few months each time – when my mother had multiple orthopedic
surgeries due to falls. On both occasions – my sister was conspicuous by her
absence when she was needed the most.
What
hurts me the most is that despite all that my wife has done for my mother for
so many years – sadly – my mother still favours my sister – who neglects to
look after my mother. Maybe it is a universal phenomenon – a woman will always
love her daughter more than her daughter-in-law – despite the fact that her
daughter neglects her and her daughter-in-law cares for her. They take undue
advantage of my wife’s good nature and take her for granted. I feel they are “gaslighting”
her too – albeit in a subtle way – and this has really alarmed me. If they
succeed – my wife may actually start feeling guilty for no fault of hers – or –
she may start thinking that I am “selfish” – as they want everyone to believe.
Dear
Reader – let me tell you of a recent attempt to “gaslight” me.
For
the last 10 months – due to the COVID Pandemic – we have been cooped up in our
flat (my mother, my wife and me). My wife works from home – and I have seen
that it is extremely strenuous and stressful – involving long hours of
demanding work. Though I do try to help to the extent feasible – the major
share of work is done by my wife – so – you can imagine the tremendous stress
and strain on her – “work from home” + house work + taking care of my mother – all
this is taking a toll on her health. Even I am feeling quite depressed. I feel
that we need a break. So – I requested my sister to look after our mother for a
few days. She refused – giving a specious excuse – as usual. But worse – she
called up my mother – I don’t know what she said – but it is likely that she
indulged in a fake “emotional outburst” trying to gaslight me – and the result
was that my mother called me “selfish”.
It
is inexplicable.
Those
who are taking care of their parents are being called “selfish” by those who
are neglecting their parents.
If
you call someone who looks after you “selfish” – will you call someone who
neglects you “magnanimous”…?
My
mother has a soft corner for my sister – since childhood. That is her
prerogative. But does that justify blatant favoritism and always covering-up her
faults and rationalizing her wrong actions…? My sister neglects my mother – and
– my mother calls me “selfish”…!!! Isn’t it bizarre…? Are they trying to “gaslight”
me just to whitewash their own guilt…?
I
have been keeping these thoughts inside me – and this has caused internal anger,
despair and depression – so – I felt it would be best for me to “vent” out my
frustrations – and since – I have no one to talk to – I am writing this as
catharsis to release my pent-up emotions.
EPILOGUE
“Gaslighting”
means trying to convince someone that they are wrong even when they are not
wrong.
The
aim of gaslighting is to make you feel guilty about something that you don’t need
to feel guilty about.
Dear
Reader – think about it – has “gaslighting” ever happened to you…?
Have
you been “gaslighted” – at work, at home, in society, at school/college, in
relationships…?
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