How the “Fauji” Brain Works – “Out of the Box” Thinking

HUMOR IN UNIFORM 

THE “ISO VIRUS”

“FAUJI” BRAIN – “OUT OF THE BOX” THINKING

Unforgettable Vignettes of My Navy Life

A Fictional Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE

This happened more than 20 years ago – in the 1990s – when the Defence Services were suddenly afflicted with the “ISO virus”.

Everyone was bitten by the “Quality Bug” and suddenly became “Quality Conscious”.

The “ISO Quality Management System” was certainly relevant to industrial organizations – like Naval Dockyards.

But for most others – it was a fad – a craze to jump onto the “ISO Bandwagon”.

Getting the ISO Certification became a “status symbol” and a “feather in the cap” for the Head of the Organization.

Most of the top brass were quite clueless about ISO – but they insisted that units under their command obtain the “ISO Certified” Status Symbol – despite being told that the existing Naval Maintenance Management System was superior to the ISO Quality Management System (QMS).

The “ISO virus” infected the powers-that-be at IAT Girinagar Pune too – and it was decided that IAT must get itself ISO Certified.

I expressed my dissent saying that IAT was running fine – IAT was an efficient organisation and it was recognized as a centre of excellence – and hence IAT did not need ISO Certification.

My boss gave me a curious smile – and he said: “You better keep your thoughts to yourself. Once the boss has decided – ISO is going to happen – so you better like it or lump it.”

And then – my boss looked at me triumphantly – and delivered the coup de grace: 

“The Dean has directed that you will the Officer-in-Charge for “ISO Implementation”. So – it will be your job to ensure that IAT gets “ISO Certification”…”

“What...? Me...? Officer-in-Charge ISO...? Sir – I don’t even have a clue about ISO…” I protested.

“We know that you don’t have a clue – in fact – no one has a clue about ISO. That is why you are being “nominated” for the “ISO Lead Auditor Course”...” my boss said. 

And – he handed me a folder containing details of the “ISO Lead Auditor Course” for which I was being nominated.

As I read the contents of the folder – my low spirits turned into high spirits – since the “ISO Lead Auditor Course” was quite a pricey one week residential course in a luxurious hotel in the nearby hill resort.

So – I was looking forward to an enjoyable week in a luxurious hotel at the salubrious hill station.

When things are going fine – there is always a hitch.

Next morning the Dean called me – and he said to me: 

“Lieutenant Colonel “X” wants to go for the ISO Lead Auditor Course.”

“But Sir – Lieutenant Colonel “X” has put in his papers for “Premature Retirement”...” I said.

“I know. Lieutenant Colonel “X” wants to quit the Army. That is why he wants to do the “ISO Lead Auditor Course”. He says that the “ISO Lead Auditor Certificate” will increase his “market value” – and this will help him get a good job after he retires from service...” the Dean said.

“Sir – if Lieutenant Colonel “X” does the “ISO Lead Auditor Course” – how will his doing the “ISO Lead Auditor Course” be of any use to IAT...? Lieutenant Colonel “X” will do the course – and he will retire and leave IAT. If I do the “ISO Lead Auditor Course” – I will use the knowledge I gain for getting “ISO Certification” for IAT – and implementing ISO here in IAT...” I argued.

The Dean looked at me and said: 

“I have thought about all that. 

Here is the best solution. 

You want the “Knowledge” – so you attend the course. 

Lieutenant Colonel “X” wants the “Certificate” – so let him have the “Certificate”...”

At first – I was taken aback on hearing the Dean’s words.

I thought the Dean was joking – or he had gone crazy – or maybe I had not heard right – so I asked him: 

“Sir – are you saying that I have to attend the “ISO Lead Auditor Course” – but the “Certificate” is to be issued in the name of Lieutenant Colonel “X”...?” 

The Dean said with a smile on his face:

“Exactly. 

So – you will have the “Knowledge” of a “ISO Lead Auditor” – which you can use here to get “ISO Certification” for IAT. 

And – Lieutenant Colonel “X” will have the “Certificate” of being an “ISO Lead Auditor” – which he can use to get a job in the civilian industry after he retires. 

A true “Win-Win” situation – isn’t it...?

I was dumbfounded by the logic. 

“Sir – how is that possible...? Attending the course is mandatory for getting the certificate...” I said.

“In India – anything is possible. It is called “jugaad”... You talk to the ISO guys and tell them to be a little “flexible”. Tell them that you will attend the course – but the “ISO Lead Auditor Certificate” is to be issued in the name of Lieutenant Colonel “X”. You are a bright officer – and I am sure you can work it out – it will be a “win-win”situation – that will satisfy everyone.”

I marvelled at the “Fauji” Dean’s “out of the box” thinking.

As he said – anything is possible in India by “jugaad” – but I did not have the guts to call up the ISO course organizers with this absurd proposition.

In the Defence Services – all issues are decided on the basis of seniority 

Though I held the same rank as Lieutenant Colonel “X” – he was miles senior to me.

So – Lieutenant Colonel “X” went for the “ISO Lead Auditor Course” 

And – I am sure it helped him in his second innings in civilian life after his retirement – since Lieutenant Colonel “X” retired soon after becoming a “Certified ISO Lead Auditor” – courtesy the Dean of IAT.

Of course – a few months later – I too did the “ISO Lead Auditor Course”.

In my case – unlike Lieutenant Colonel “X” – for whom the “ISO Lead Auditor Course” was a “resettlement” course (to “rehabilitate” him in civilian life) – in my case – I had to put the “Knowledge” I gained in the “ISO Lead Auditor Course” to good use in the implementation of “ISO Quality Management System” in my organisation and later in the Naval Dockyard too.

And – Dear Reader – do you know how “ISO” was implemented in a crazy “multicultural” place like IAT Pune...?

Well – that’s another story – which I will tell you some other time... 

(BTW – No Prizes for guessing to which of the 3 Defence Services the Dean belonged to)

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)