Love Bite – A Story for April Fool’s Day

HUMOR – APRIL FOOL’S DAY STORY

This morning – I decided to write a story on the occasion of April Fool’s Day (also known as All Fools’ Day)

It was only in the evening that I could complete it. 

Dear Reader: Here is my April Fool’s Day Story...

“LOVE” BITE

A Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE 

Disclaimer:

This is not a true story. This story is a work of fiction. Events, places, settings and incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. This story is a spoof, pure fiction, satire, just for fun and humour, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

New Delhi

Circa 1982

“It is quite a serious bite wound – who bit you – was it a pet dog – or a stray dog…?” the pretty nurse at the emergency OPD asked me.

“This is not a “dog bite” – it is a “human bite”…?” I said.

“Human bite…? Who bit you, Sir…?”

“My wife bit me…” I said.

Trying to suppress her laughter – the nurse said:

“Sir – I think you better show your bite wound to the Duty Medical Officer (MO)….”

“Duty MO…?”

“Sir – I know what to do for dog bites – but – I have never handled a “human bite” before…” the nurse said, smiling at me.

“Okay – please call him…” I said to the nurse.

“Sir – I think you better wake him up…”

“Wake him up…?”

“The Duty MO is sleeping in the office of the Commandant – it is the first room at the end of the corridor…”

“Okay – you come with me…” I said to the nurse.

So – with the nurse in tow – I walked to the office of the Commandant – and – I knocked at the door.

There was no response – so I banged at the door.

“Who the hell is it…?” an angry male voice shouted from inside.

“Emergency case…” I said.

After some time – the door opened – and – the Duty MO – a sleepy AMC Lieutenant Colonel – stood in front of me.

He was sleeping in air-conditioned comfort in the Commandant’s Office – and he was obviously miffed at being woken up from his deep sleep.

His face seemed to be familiar.

The Duty MO looked at me – and he asked me:

“You are in the Navy – aren’t you…?”

“Yes, Sir…”

“You live in Curzon Road Apartments – don’t you…?”

“Yes, Sir…”

“We see you in the lawns playing with your dog in the mornings when we have our tea in our balcony…”

“Yes, Sir…”

“So – what do you want – why the hell have you woken me up at this unearthly hour…?” the Duty MO said angrily.

“Sir – the nurse asked me to wake you up…” I said, sheepishly.

The Duty MO looked questioningly at the nurse – who was standing behind me.

“Sir – a “bite wound”…” the nurse said.

“Oh. Your pet dog bit you…” the Duty MO said to me.

Then – the Duty MO said angrily to the nurse:

“I am sure his pet dog is vaccinated against rabies – so – just wash the wound – give him a tetanus shot – and let him go. Haven’t you been taught the basics at Nursing School…? Why the hell are you waking me up…?”

“Sir – it is not my dog…” I interrupted.

“Oh – so you were bitten by a stray dog…? Then we may have to give you “anti-rabies” vaccine…” the Duty MO said – and he looked at the nurse.

“Sir – it is not a dog bite – it is a “human bite”…” the nurse said.

“What…? Human Bite…?” the Duty MO exclaimed.

Then – he looked at me and asked me:

“Who the hell bit you…?”

“My wife…” I said.

“Your wife bit you…?”

“Yes, Sir…” I said – I showed him the bite wound on my left forearm – between my wrist and elbow.

“Bloody hell – it seems to be quite a deep wound – your wife seems to have really good teeth…” the Duty MO said.

“Yes, Sir…”

“Well – in my 20 years’ service – I have treated many “dog bite” cases – but – this is the first time I am seeing a “human bite” case...” the Duty MO said – looking at the nurse.

The nurse said: “Sir – I have already cleaned the wound with antiseptic – I will give him a tetanus shot – and – should we give him “anti-rabies” vaccine also…?”

“Why “anti-rabies”…?”

“Sir – his wife may not have been vaccinated against rabies…” the nurse said.

The Duty MO thought for a while – and then he said to me:

“I hope your wife is not “rabid” – is she…?”

“Rabid…?”

“Is she showing any signs of rabies – acting strangely – getting hyper – mood swings – foaming in the mouth – going around biting people – has she bitten anybody else…?”

“No, Sir – my wife is absolutely normal – I am the only person she has bitten so far…” I said.

“That’s good – but – as I said – this is my first case of “human bite” – so – it is best to take a “specialist opinion” from the “immunologist” – just to be sure…” the Duty MO said.

“Sir – you are a Doctor – why don’t you give me a tetanus shot and let me go…” I pleaded.

“You don’t try to act smart – okay…? You came here and reported to the OPD – didn’t you…? Now – you will bloody well listen to what I say. Do you understand…?”

“Sir – I thought you are a “specialist” too – since you are a Lieutenant Colonel…”

“Of course I am a “specialist” – I have specialized in “psychiatry”.  As a Psychiatrist – I can deal with you after you go crazy – but now – I am trying to prevent you from going mad. I just want to rule out the possibility of rabies – and – I am curious to know whether “anti-rabies” vaccination is required for “human bites”. Though I am a Psychiatrist – I always like to keep learning…” 

The Duty MO looked at the nurse and said:

“Check in the telephone directory and get me the immunologist on the phone…”

“Sir – it is past midnight…” the nurse said.

“So what – the bugger is junior to me – just get him on the line…”

The moment he was connected – the Duty MO said to the immunologist:

“I wanted to consult you on a “human bite” case. There is a Naval Officer here – Lieutenant “K” – with a deep wound on his forearm – severe bite marks – he says that his wife bit him…”

The Duty MO listened for some time – and then – he said to me:

“You didn’t tell me that you know the immunologist – Lieutenant Colonel “X” – he says you two were drinking partners in SP Marg Mess…”

“Yes, Sir – I knew Lieutenant Colonel “X” – I knew he was a doctor – but I didn’t know he was an immunologist…”

“Do you know what Lieutenant Colonel “X” is asking me…?”

“No, Sir…”

“Your friend Lieutenant Colonel “X” wants to know whether it is a “Love Bite”…”

“It’s not a “Love Bite” – it is a bloody “Hate Bite”…” I said.

“Ha, Ha…” the Duty MO said to the immunologist, “He says that it is a “hate bite”…”

They talked “medical gobbledygook” for some time.

Then – the Duty MO put the phone down and said to me:

“No worries. Come with me – we will give you a tetanus shot and some antibiotics – and – keep the wound open – we will apply an ointment to prevent infection…”

After the “treatment” for “human bite” was over – the Duty MO took me to back to the Commandant’s Office – and he poured some coffee from his flask for both of us.

The Duty MO looked at me and said:

“Now that the “medical” treatment is over – let is deal with the “legal” aspects...”

“Legal aspects…” I said, confused.

“Yes. This is “medico-legal” case – you have been brutally bitten by your wife – I have to make out a proper report – so – you will have to tell me what happened…”

“Sir – I was sleeping – and – my wife bit me…”

“Is she crazy…? She just bites you without any provocation…? I think you better send her to me. After all – I am a psychiatrist – and we hardly have any patients…”

“No, Sir – she is not crazy. It is not her fault. I had too much to drink – and I was fast asleep…”

“And she wanted to…?”

“No, Sir – it is not that. The power supply tripped – so – our air-cooler stopped – and it became very hot in the room. My wife woke up and she could not sleep due to the heat – so she wanted to wake me up – but I was fast asleep in my drunken state – so – I didn’t get up – and – she got angry…”

“So – she bit you…”

“No, Sir – it was not only due to that. She realized that the lights had gone off only in our flat – so she wanted me to go out and set right the MCB which had tripped – the MCB is located outside the flat near the lift – so – she was trying to wake me up – and – when I didn’t respond – she bit me on my hand…”

“And then…?”

“I was jolted out of my sleep – and – I went and set right the MCB – and – the lights came on – the cooler started working – and – my wife went to sleep…”

“And then – you came here to the hospital emergency OPD…?”

“No, Sir – I saw that the bite wound was quite serious – so – I quietly came out of my flat and woke up my neighbour – he also thought that my dog had bitten me – so – he took me to a “Vet” who lives on the same floor…”

“Ha Ha – he took you to a “Vet”…?”

“Sir – no one believed that my wife had bitten me. I convinced them with great difficulty – and – the “Vet” said that I better show my wound to a doctor quickly – before it gets infected – so – I came here on my scooter…”

“You should have called the ambulance. Could you ride your scooter properly…?”

“Sir, my left hand was paining a bit – but – I managed to drive the scooter…”

“A real “Tall Story”…” the Duty MO said, “anyway – you write down whatever you just said – sign it – and give it to me – so I can file the “medico-legal” report…”

I did as the Duty MO said – and – by the time I reached home – it was 3 AM.

Using the latch-key – I quietly entered our one room apartment on the 7^th floor.

My darling wife was fast asleep – oblivious of my arrival.

The cool air from the air-cooler was so soothing – that – within minutes – I fell asleep next to her.

Next morning – my wife seemed quite contrite:

“How is your hand…? I am sorry…”

“It is okay – my hand is okay…”

“Do you want to show it to the doctor…?” she asked.

Thanks to her deep sleep – it was evident that she did not know that I had gone to the Military Hospital at night.

Now – I only had to tell my neighbour and the “Vet” to keep mum – and the matter would be forgotten.

But – Dear Reader – you know how vibrant the “grapevine” is – and – it is impossible to keep such “juicy” gossip under wraps.

Also – the Duty MO (Psychiatrist) who had treated me – he lived in Curzon Road Apartments too – and – he told the entire story to his wife when they saw me playing with my dog the next morning.

The “husband biting” news spread like wildfire – with everyone adding their own spicy “masala”.

Wherever we went – everyone gave us canny looks – after all – we were a curious couple – the “biting” wife and the “bitten” husband…

The ladies looked at my wife with admiration.

The men looked at me with ridicule.

EPILOGUE

A few days later – my boss called me to his office.

He threw a file in front of me.

I opened the file.

On the right hand side was the “written statement” – on ‘the “biting” wife and the “bitten” husband’ episode – the statement that I had given to the Duty MO.

On the left hand side was a “noting sheet”.

I was flabbergasted.

The buggers had initiated a “medico-legal” case.

“Sir – what is all this…?” I asked my boss.

“Well – they want to know if you wish to file a complaint against your wife for “biting” you and causing you bodily injury…”

“Of course not – No Sir – I don’t wish to file any complaint – I want this whole embarrassing matter closed…”

“Then – write it down there on the noting sheet and give me the file…” my boss said.

After I had given the file back to my boss – he said:

“I have seen plenty of “wife beating” cases – but – this is the first time I am seeing a “husband biting” case….”

PS:  

Dear Reader – in case you meet me – please don’t ask me what caused the scar on my left hand – on my forearm – between my wrist and elbow…!!! 

VIKRAM KARVE

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© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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