Tuesday, October 28, 2014

HUMOR IN UNIFORM – STORY OF A LADY ARMY OFFICER – The ‘faujan’ who wanted to be a ‘fauji’

HUMOUR IN UNIFORM

From my Humor in Uniform Archives:

A Story I wrote 2 years ago, in the year 2012.

MACHO WOMAN – A Fictional Spoof

STORY OF A LADY ARMY OFFICER 
The ‘faujan’ who wanted to be a ‘fauji’
Gender Ambiguity Dilemma of a Woman in a Man’s Profession
A Spoof
By
VIKRAM KARVE 

Disclaimer:
1. Please read this apocryphal story only if you have a sense of humor. This fiction story is a spoof, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh. 
2. This story is for mature adults only, so if you are a kid, or an overly gender sensitive type, please skip this post.
3. This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.
Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)


MACHO WOMAN – A Fictional Spoof by Vikram Karve


“Good evening.”

“Good evening, Sir.”

“May I join you?”

“Of course, Sir.”

“There is a party going on outside and you are sitting here all alone in the bar, drinking rum and drowning your sorrows. Come on outside and enjoy the party.”

“Please, Sir. It you could please excuse me. I am feeling a bit low.”

“I know. He told me. That is why I have come to talk to you.”

“He told you, Sir?”

“Yes. He told me that you proposed to him, asked him to marry you, and he turned you down. I know that you are feeling really bad. But is drowning your sorrows in alcohol going to solve your problem?”

“I love him, Sir. I thought he loved me too. His rejection has shattered me, Sir.”

“He is feeling bad too. In fact he is feeling so guilt-ridden and embarrassed that he has requested for an immediate transfer from here, even if he is posted to a field area. He told me your proposal for marriage came as a complete surprise.”

“Surprise? We have been such good friends and we got along so well. I thought he would love to marry me and maybe he was feeling shy to propose to me. So I asked him to marry me. I thought he would be delighted. I was sure he would say ‘yes. I was totally shocked when he refused. I just don’t know why he does not want to marry me.”

“Tell me, how many men want to marry macho women? How many men want a masculine wife who gives their machismo a competition? I think you intimidate him by your demeanour.”  

“I don’t understand, Sir.”

“He told me he likes you as a friend, as a buddy, but he cannot visualize you as a wife.”

“He can’t visualize me as a wife? Why, Sir?”

“In your endeavour to be “one of the boys”, you have actually started exhibiting male traits – you walk like a man, you talk like a man, you laugh like a man, you dress like a man, you even drink like a man – your bearing, your actions, your demeanour, I have noticed that you do almost everything like a man – in your desperate ambition to prove yourself in the army you try to outdo the men themselves.”

“But what can I do, Sir? I am the only lady officer in this unit and I am surrounded by male officers. And the soldiers are all men. I am a woman in a man’s profession. I must project a tough image.”

“Tough image? So that is why you are putting on an act and trying to pose as a “macho” man? You know, sometimes image can become reality. This can be dangerous. Remember one thing. When a woman tries to masquerade as a man, sometimes she may land up being a he-woman.”

“He-woman?”

“Yes. That’s what they have nicknamed you. They call you ‘He-woman!”

“The Officers of this unit call me he-woman?

"Yes.

“That’s terrible, Sir. Why should they make fun of me like that?”

“By the way, tell me, were you shopping at the Mall near Main Street on Sunday evening? There was a gang of girls with you, isn’t it?”

“Yes, Sir. I had gone out with my college friends.”

“You all had plenty of ice cream at the food court.”

“Yes, Sir. How do you know?”

“I was there.”

“But I didn’t see you, Sir.”

“But I did notice you. You were looking so pretty in that bright red dress. You are so fair, so good-looking, that any bright colour suits you so well. I must say that I never imagined you can look so beautiful.”

“Thank you, Sir.”

“Then why do you deglamorize yourself when you are in the unit? Why do you go out of your way to look like a ‘Plain Jane’? And that too like a macho type masculine looking ‘Plain Jane’?

“Sir, how can I deck up in uniform?”

“No one is asking you to ‘deck up in uniform. And I know you have to dress a bit soberly out here in the officers mess in the evenings too. I am just asking you bring out the girl hiding inside you. Just be yourself. There is no need to put on a macho act and try to look harsh. That’s why you are becoming a he-woman. Nature has made you a woman. Why are you trying to be a man? Why don’t you be your natural self? Why don’t you just be the normal woman you are? There is no need to put on a fake macho act. You are a ‘faujan – why try to be a ‘fauji’? I hope you understand what I am trying to convey.”  

“Yes, Sir.”

“Well, it is for you to resolve your gender ambiguity. You have to decide for yourself. Remember, a he-man is attracted to she-woman. So you better start projecting yourself as a she-woman. But if you are still adamant on being a he-woman, then you better start looking for a she-man.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“What ‘Yes Sir? Come with me. Let’s go out and join the party.”

“You go ahead, Sir. I’ll go to my room, freshen up and get myself organized for the party.”

“Organized?”

“I’ll put on something good, Sir, a fashionable dress, and I think I need to doll up myself and prettify a bit. I want to look beautiful and desirable, like a she-woman .”

“That’s good. But remember one thing.”

“What, Sir?”

“You are my adjutant. Tomorrow morning, in office, I want my he-woman back in action!”

VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve 
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© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:
This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.
Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)
     
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
 


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