Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Humor in Uniform - SOCIAL DRINKING and OFFICER LIKE QUALITIES (OLQ)

HUMOUR IN AND OUT OF UNIFORM

Disclaimer:
1. This blog post is a is a spoof, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2.  All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.
Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)


SOCIAL DRINKING and OFFICER LIKE QUALITIES (OLQ)
The Story of the PICNIC
By
VIKRAM KARVE

The Navy taught me many things. 

One of the things I learnt in the navy was how to drink alcohol.

Let me delve into my alcoholic archives and post for you, once again, one of my select writings on “The Art of Drinking

Cheers - enjoy !!!

THE EFFECTS OF DRINKING ALCOHOL

Alcohol does different things to different people.

Alcohol opens you up.

Alcohol reduces inhibitions.

A few drinks loosen you up and help release your inner pent-up emotions.

Alcohol helps you express feelings which you may have suppressed within you, knowingly or unknowingly.

Alcohol helps bring out what is hidden within you.

If you are happy inside, after a few drinks you will start physically expressing your happiness boisterously and outwardly by laughing, cheer and bonhomie.

When you are in high spirits, you will become more talkative, more expansive and more expressive.

Under the influence of alcohol, you may even articulate your secret unexpressed love, and you become overly romantic and amorous, maybe even sexually expressive.

Alcohol also makes it possible to discover the hidden talents of a person.

Alcohol can help unleash your latent creativity.

You may have noticed that some persons become more creative after imbibing a drink or two, since alcohol unleashes your inhibitions and releases the music, the poetry, the art, the creativity hidden within you.

That is why alcohol flows freely during parties and celebrations since it helps dissolve the walls of inhibitions, self-consciousness and reticence and helps release inhibitions and amplifies inner emotions, talents, passions, sentiments – inner happiness becomes outer happiness and the environment is filled with cheer and bonhomie.

But the converse is also true.

By reducing inhibitions, alcohol may bring out the worst in you by facilitating the release of pent-up negative emotions like anger, envy, dejection, despondency, frustration and these unleashed amplified negative emotions may result in undesirable, unpleasant and even disastrous consequences.

Have you noticed how some people get violent, argumentative, rude or sometimes melancholic, moody, sullen, depressed, unsociable after a few drinks...?

I have always believed that if you want to know the true character of a man, get him drunk.

Once a man is drunk, what is hidden inside him will come out and his true inner self will be revealed.

During my younger days in the Navy I was quite wary of persons who did not drink.

I remember those golden words engraved on the walls of a Navy Bar:

DO NOT TRUST A MAN WHO DOES NOT DRINK

The fact of the matter is that alcohol can bring out the best in you.

But alcohol can also bring out the worst in you.

Let me tell you a story to illustrate this aspect.


THE PICNIC  (A Story)

I once knew an officer who used to get very nasty and quarrelsome after a few drinks.

Of course I am not going to tell you his real name.

So let’s call him “John”.

Well, there was this beach picnic I was told to organize and I intentionally saw to it that John was not invited.

A day before the picnic I briefed the boss regarding the arrangements – transportation, recreation, music, dance, party games, tombola, watersports, fun for children, restrooms and shacks for ladies and gents, bar and food arrangements, seaside barbeque, gifts and presents, everything...

It was going to be a very enjoyable picnic and we all were going to have a fabulous time.

The boss seemed quite happy.

Then he saw the guest list.

“I don’t see John’s name here,” the boss remarked, “I want all officers and families to attend the picnic – why is John and his family not coming?”

“He has not been invited,” I said.

“John has not been invited? Why? Who took this decision?”

“I did, Sir. I feel it is best not to call John for the picnic,” I said.

“You took a decision not to call John for the picnic? Are you crazy? I can’t believe that you could do such a stupid thing. Who the hell do you think you are? What’s wrong with you?” the boss said, looking annoyed.

“I feel it would be best if John did not come for the picnic,” I said.

For a moment the boss looked at me in disbelief.

Then he asked me, “May I know the reason why you don’t want John and his family to come for the picnic?”

“He cannot hold his drinks, Sir.”

“What do you mean?”

“Sir, there is going to be a lot of beer and alcoholic punches and drinks at the picnic. John invariably gets drunk on such occasions and when he is drunk he gets very nasty and belligerent. He is sure to misbehave and pick up a fight with someone. Things will become very unpleasant and the whole atmosphere of the picnic will get spoiled, Sir,” I said.

The boss was furious and admonished me, “You don’t give me bullshit. It is the annual picnic. All officers and their families are attending. How can you exclude John just because of your whims and fancies? Do you have any bloody social graces or not?”

“Sir, please listen …” I tried to plead.

“Shut up. You will make sure that John and his family is there for the picnic. You will personally give him the invitation right now. Is that clear? Do you understand?” the boss said.

“Yes, Sir,” I said sheepishly.

The beach picnic started on a bright note. 

Everyone – the men, the women, the children, were thoroughly enjoying themselves – dancing, singing, playing, romping on the sands, frolicking on the beach, swimming the blue waters of the sea.

Then things began to happen exactly as I had anticipated.

By noon, John got drunk and nasty.

First he picked up a fight over some trivial issue with a colleague. 

Then he got abusive over not being served snacks properly. 

He was staggering unsteadily on his feet and shouting incoherently.

Seeing that John was visibly drunk and that he was making a fool of himself, his embarrassed wife tried to restrain him from drinking more beer.

She pleaded with him to stop drinking.

She told him that he had drunk too much alcohol already and was misbehaving

But this enraged John even further and he abused and slapped his wife in full public view.

The boss tried to reason with John and calm him down. 

But John got belligerent and abusive with the boss too and threatened to hit him and we had to rescue boss before John thrashed him.   

The ladies and children were terrified.

John’s wife and children were in tears.

We were all disgusted and there was an air of unpleasantness.

Then John picked up a bottle of Rum and walked to a secluded place on the beach.

He kept drinking till he drank himself into a stupor.

In the evening we had to carry a dead-drunk John into the boat. 

John was in a terribly intoxicated, in a semi-conscious inebriated condition, and beads of sweat formed over his face as he lay sprawled in the boat.

As the boat started sailing over the sea, rolling and pitching, John got violently sick and he vomited all over the boat.

The disgusting stench of his vomit and the sight of his vile hideous puke made everyone sickeningly nauseous.

Everyone was disgusted.

The picnic was a disaster.

Next morning I went to the boss to show him the picnic accounts.

For some time we looked at each other in silence.

Then the boss said to me, “You were right about John. It would have been better if we had avoided calling him for the picnic. He ruined everything by his disgusting behaviour. I feel sorry for his wife and kids - they must be feeling so embarrassed.”

“Sir, I was going to tell you something more that day, but you asked me to shut up…” 

“What? You were going to tell me something more that day? What was it? Speak up. Tell me now,” my boss said.

“Sir, it was John’s wife who told me not to invite them for the picnic. She told me that she did not want to come for the picnic, especially with John, as she knew that, after a few drinks, John would misbehave, get nasty, indulge in outrageous antics and spoil the atmosphere and embarrass everyone.”


MORAL OF THE STORY


There is a saying in the Navy:

Officers never get drunk – they only feel nice

This is an essential aspect of what they call OLQ or “OFFICER LIKE QUALITIES”

This is what I call the “Alcohol Test” of OLQ.

Alcohol will make a good officer feel nice, never nasty.

But if a person gets nasty, unpleasant, disagreeable and ill-tempered after a few drinks, then that person is not fit to be a Naval Officer, because he has failed in the “Alcohol Test” of OLQ.

Yes, only a person who feels nice after a few drinks has OLQ.

A person who gets nasty after a few drinks does not have OLQ and is not fit to be an officer.

Maybe they should introduce the “Alcohol OLQ Test” at SSB  LOL

Cheers - have a drink - as long as you feel “nice” and not nasty.

VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve 
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© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:
1. This blog post is a is a spoof, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2.  All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)


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