Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: Humor in Uniform – The Commendation

Humor in Uniform

THE COMMENDATION

Fiction Short Story

VIKRAM KARVE

PART 1

AWARDS AND COMMENDATIONS

During my long career in the Navy – I performed a variety of jobs.

Around 20 years ago – I looked after HR (Human Resources) and Training in the premier Naval Dockyard at Mumbai.

Among the multifarious HR and Training jobs – one of my tasks was the processing of cases for awards and commendations.

Before doing this job – I was an idealist – who believed that everything was fair and ethical – and only the truly deserving got awards and commendations.

But soon – I realized that I had been naïve – and things were quite different.

Let me tell you a story.

We were processing recommendations for award of commendations.

Since I had newly taken charge of my appointment – and I was doing this “processing” of awards for the first time – my boss advised me to consult Mrs. “T” in Headquarters.

Mrs. “T” was the UDC (Upper Division Clerk) in-charge of processing commendations and awards.

She had been on the same chair for over 20 years – ever since she joined as an LDC – and was an “authority” on the subject.

In fact – Mrs. “T” was considered so “indispensable” that she had been kept in the same post by successive officers – she had not even been transferred locally within Headquarters.

I don’t know whether it was true or not – but someone told me that Mrs. “T” had refused promotion to the rank of “Office Superintendent” because that may entail transfer out of Mumbai or to a unit in some other part of Mumbai.

She lived quite nearby in Girgaum and commuted to Headquarters (in Fort) by bus – a very convenient arrangement – she was “well set” in her daily routine and did want to disturb it.

Maybe this was the reason that motivated her to work sincerely and efficiently – and become “indispensable” – so that she would not be transferred.

I learned one more thing about Mrs. “T” – she had steadfastly refused to accept any award or commendation for her exemplary performance – she had told her successive bosses who wanted to recommend her that it would be “unethical” for her to accept commendations/awards since she herself processed the cases. (This also put “moral” pressure on her bosses not to “usurp” commendations/awards themselves while they were sitting in that chair).

I told my Personal Assistant (PA) to call up Mrs. “T” and ask her a suitable time when I could visit her.

(Protocol demanded that – since I was an Officer – she should have come down and met me in my office – but then – firstly – she was in a different organization – and – secondly – even the lowliest persons in Headquarters thought they were “Shore Based Moguls” who could summon anyone from ships or “subordinate” units. Of course – I could have met the concerned officer – but – my boss had asked me specifically to meet Mrs. “T”)

My phone rang – my PA told me that Mrs. “T” wanted to speak to me – and she connected Mrs. “T”.

“Hello, Sir…” Mrs. “T” said enthusiastically, “do you remember me…?”

“No…” I said, honestly.

“We have met at my niece’s wedding…” she said.

“Your niece…?” I said, confused.

Mrs. “T” told me her niece’s name – she had been my PA in my previous appointment – I had attended her wedding in Girgaum (Girgaon) – but I did not recollect meeting Mrs. “T”.

Suddenly – Mrs. “T” came on the line – and she said to me: “Sir – is it okay if I come to your office at 11:30 AM…?”

I looked at the wall clock in my office – it was 10 AM – 11:30 AM was absolutely fine with me.

So – I said to Mrs. “T”: “Please come at 11:30 AM. I want to take your advice regarding commendations…”

“I know, Sir. I will get the file and discuss everything with you…” Mrs. “T” said.

At 11:30 AM – my PA ushered in Mrs. “T” into my Office.

I asked Mrs. “T” to sit down – and – I asked her: “What would you like to have – Tea – Coffee – Soft Drink…?”

“Sir – I have got something for you…” Mrs. “T” said – and she looked at my PA.

“Yes, Yes, Sir…” my PA said, “she has given me her tiffin carrier…”

“Tiffin Carrier…?” I said, surprised.

“Come on, Sir…” Mrs. “T” said, “Everyone knows what a foodie you are. My niece told me how you used to “taste” from everyone’s tiffin – and I see you walking and eating in Girgaum so often – having Sabudana Wada at Panshikar, enjoying Misal at Vinay Health Home – we have even seen you eating Fish at Anantashram in Khotachiwadi…”

This was getting quite embarrassing – so – I decided to change the topic.

“Let’s discuss about commendations first. Then I will taste what you have got for me…” I said to Mrs. “T”.

And then - Mrs. “T” started briefing me about how to process cases for awards and commendations.

“Gallantry Awards are given for specific acts of gallantry – but – for all other awards and commendations – there are “pro-rata quotas” – so that “justice” is done to all ships, units, branches etc…” Mrs. “T” said.

“Are these “quotas” specified anywhere…?” I asked.

“No. No. It’s all unofficial. You can always discreetly ask us – and we will tell you your quota for that award – and how many citations to send…” Mrs. “T” said, “You will have to send some “dummy” recommendations to enable us to “select” the right one…”

“Dummy recommendations…” I asked, curious.

“Yes Sir. For example – we will be asking for citations for a “distinguished service” medal soon. Your quota is just “one” – so – you will have to send at least 4 citations – 3 “dummies” and the one who you want to get the award – we do a similar “sifting” at HQ so that the right names reach NHQ…” Mrs. “T” said, “Your Boss knows all this – and he will tell you the names – of the chosen awardee – and the dummies. You have to write the citations in such a way that it is evident who the genuine recommendation is – you can write them in relative merit as well – in case a lucky second recommendation can be accommodated if there is spare quota…”

“Oh…” I said.

I must have looked confused – so Mrs. “T” said to me: “Sir – don’t worry – all that is later – and we will guide you at that time – and soon – you will become an expert. Now – let’s discuss “commendations”…”

“Okay…” I said.

Mrs. “T” opened her file – she took out a sheet of paper – gave it to me – and said: “Sir – for your ready reference – I have given all details for your “Yard” – the total number of commendations – and the “pro-rata” breakdown – department-wise, rank-wise, branch-wise, officers, sailors, civilians, all cadres – you just send us the names with citations accordingly and it will be easy for us to give a commendation to whoever you recommend – you will save us the effort of “sifting”, “sorting” and “filtering”…”

“Thank You…” I said.

“One more thing, Sir…” Mrs. “T” said, “Please recommend the number of ladies as indicated – our boss believes in women’s empowerment – so there is a “quota within a quota” for women. The “Yard’ has 3 Lady Naval Officers – so you have to recommend one of them – and – I have indicated details of the quotas for Civilian Lady Employees in pencil against each category…”

We discussed a few specifics – and then – my PA brought in the “Sabudana Khichadi” that Mrs. “T” had so kindly brought for me (for her – it was a “fasting” day – hence the Sabudana Khichadi).

Then – after a cup of tea – Mrs. “T” left for her office in Headquarters.

To Be Continued in Part 2...

VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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