Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: HUMOR IN UNIFORM

HUMOUR IN UNIFORM

THE ALCOHOLIC TEETOTALLER

A Naval Yarn

VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer:

1. Please read this story only if you have a sense of humour. This is a spoof, a yarn, just for a laugh, no offence meant to anyone, so please take it with a pinch of salt.

2. This story is a work of fiction. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Long back, sometime in the late 1970s, we were young officers just introduced to the pleasures of alcohol, and in thoroughly enjoyed our newly found freedom by topping up to the hilt in the bar every evening.

In order to curb our excesses, the PMC set a daily limit of 3 large pegs of Rum for each individual

(Well, those days we drank only large pegs and three large pegs total about 180 ml of liquor – less than a quarter of a bottle which has almost 13 large pegs)

Now, for tough young men like us in their early 20’s, three pegs were just too little, especially for an ardent drinker like me.

So I devised a simple strategy.

I caught hold of my course-mate “X” who was a strict teetotaller

(Of course my friend “X” was quite a money-minded miser too)

“Look here,” I made him a proposition, “I will pay your entire wine bill, including whatever soft drinks and snacks you have, if you let me have your rum quota.”

“X” readily agreed.

In fact, I am sure that in his heart he jumped with joy.

So we instructed the bar steward accordingly.

Every evening, the steward would put my first three pegs in X’s bar book and the subsequent pegs I drank would be entered in my bar book

(Yes, those days we had bar books which we had to sign at the end of the evening or by next morning).

So every evening as I sat down to drink, my first three pegs of rum would be written in X’s bar book and in case I drank a fourth or fifth peg, the steward would write them in my bar book.

I seldom drank more than four or five large pegs except on rare occasions when I sometimes had six or seven pegs too.

“X” was delighted with this arrangement.

He sat down with us in the evenings, downing soft drink after soft drink, knowing that I was paying for them.

I am sure in his mind he was wondering what a sucker I was.

A couple of months passed happily.

One morning the PMC suddenly entered the training hall and thundered, “Who the bloody hell is X ?”

He shouted X’s name and looked around the hall.

“X” meekly stood up.

The PMC strode up to “X” and brandished his bar book menacingly and shouted at him, “You want to become a bloody alcoholic? You have been religiously drinking three pegs of rum every day for the last two months. I am stopping your booze. No more drinking. You better sober up.”

And then, as suddenly as he had come, the PMC stormed out of the hall, rendering a hapless “X” dumbstruck and speechless.

His reputation as a “drinker” spread pretty fast.

At parties, when “X” had his usual glass of cola in his hand, the PMC would suspect it was spiked with rum.

So “X” started drinking lime juice, but even then the PMC was sure it was spiked with Gin or Vodka.

The PMC kept telling the Training Officer that he suspected that “X” was still drinking heavily and the Training Officer kept warning “X” to stop drinking.

Lest his appraisal report be ruined, one day “X” told the Training Officer the whole story.

The Training Officer told the PMC all about it and soon I found myself being marched up to the PMC.

The PMC had two bar books in his hand – X’s and mine.

He was turning page after page.

“Is it true?” the PMC asked, “You seem to drinking 4 to 5 pegs of Rum every evening. Sometimes even 6 or 7 pegs of Rum.”

“Yes, Sir,” I meekly said, trembling inside, expecting to be logged, or admonished, and surely knew that my booze was going to be stopped.

“And what about this guy?” the PMC asked me pointing at the bar book of “X”.

“Sir, he is an alcoholic teetotaller,” I blurted out.

“Alcoholic teetotaller? Bloody Hell! This is the first time I am hearing this crazy oxymoron,” the PMC looked at me curiously.

then he burst out laughing and said, “Come over for a drink this evening. You seem to be an interesting chap.”

Maybe I reminded him of his youthful days.

I did.

In the evening, as we imbibed peg after peg of the best rum, the PMC, an old sea-dog, was overcome by the Auld Lang Syne Complex - he harked back to his halcyon navy days and excitedly told me about his glorious drinking escapades.

Cheers - That calls for a drink!

I hope my good friend the “alcoholic teetotaller” is reading this.

VIKRAM KARVE

Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this story.

Disclaimer:

All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

NB:

Did you like this blog post?

I am sure you will like the 27 short stories from my recently published anthology of Short Fiction COCKTAIL
To order your COCKTAIL please click any of the links below:
http://www.flipkart.com/cocktail-vikram-karve-short-stories-book-8191091844?affid=nme
http://www.indiaplaza.in/cocktail-vikram-karve/books/9788191091847.htm
http://www.apkpublishers.com/books/short-stories/cocktail-by-vikram-karve.html

COCKTAIL ebook

If you prefer reading ebooks on Kindle or your ebook reader, please order Cocktail E-book by clicking the links below:
AMAZON
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005MGERZ6
SMASHWORDS
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/87925

Foodie Book: Appetite for a Stroll
If your are a Foodie you will like my book of Food Adventures APPETITE FOR A STROLL. Do order a copy from FLIPKART:
http://www.flipkart.com/appetite-stroll-vikram-karve/8190690094-gw23f9mr2o

About Vikram Karve

A creative person with a zest for life, Vikram Karve is a retired Naval Officer turned full time writer and blogger. Educated at IIT Delhi, IIT (BHU) Varanasi, The Lawrence School Lovedale and Bishops School Pune, Vikram has published two books: COCKTAIL a collection of fiction short stories about relationships (2011) and APPETITE FOR A STROLL a book of Foodie Adventures (2008) and is currently working on his novel and a book of vignettes and an anthology of short fiction. An avid blogger, he has written a number of fiction short stories and creative non-fiction articles on a variety of topics including food, travel, philosophy, academics, technology, management, health, pet parenting, teaching stories and self help in magazines and published a large number of professional and academic research papers in journals and edited in-house journals and magazines for many years, before the advent of blogging. Vikram has taught at a University as a Professor for 15 years and now teaches as a visiting faculty and devotes most of his time to creative writing and blogging. Vikram Karve lives in Pune India with his family and muse - his pet dog Sherry with whom he takes long walks thinking creative thoughts.

Vikram Karve Academic and Creative Writing Journal: http://karvediat.blogspot.com
Professional Profile Vikram Karve: http://www.linkedin.com/in/karve
Vikram Karve Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/vikramkarve
Vikram Karve Creative Writing Blog: http://vikramkarve.sulekha.com/blog/posts.htm
Email: vikramkarve@hotmail.com

Twitter: @vikramkarve

Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

HUMOR IN UNIFORM - THE ALCOHOLIC TEETOTALLER

No comments:

Post a Comment