The Hypochondriac

Fiction Short Story

THE HYPOCHONDRIAC

Fiction Short Story

By

VIKRAM KARVE

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Part 1 – COVID PHOBIA

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“Your husband is crazy…” the man says to the woman.

“Why…? What happened…?” the woman says.

“Your husband – he kept on saying – “I want to be tested – I want to be tested…”

“So – what did you tell him…?”

“Well – I told him that there is nothing wrong with him – but – he went on and on and on – “I want to be tested – I want to be tested…”

“I told you that my husband is a hypochondriac – didn’t I…? Earlier – he would imagine he had other diseases – but – ever since COVID has come – he keeps imagining that he has COVID…”

“Does he have any symptoms…?”

“Not at all – you spoke to him – didn’t you…? And – I saw him in the morning before I came to work – he is absolutely fine – no symptoms at all – it’s all in his mind – just extreme anxiety – “hypochondria” – that’s all…”

“A case of severe “COVID Phobia”…?”

“Yes – he is terrified of getting COVID. And because of that – the last one year has been hell for me…”

“Last one year…? Hell for you…?”

“The COVID Pandemic started more one year ago – in March 2020 – isn’t it…? Since then – my husband is working from home – and he is obsessed with COVID – and he gets more and more paranoid – sitting at home 24/7 – imagining things…”

“These “IT Nerds” are lucky – they can sit at home safely and do their work – while we doctors have to risk our lives every day…”

“That’s why they call us “COVID Warriors” – don’t they...? And by the way – when you talk to my husband – don’t call him an “IT Nerd” – he gets furious – call him a “Software Techie”…”

“You said your “work from home” husband has made your life hell…?”

“I told you – he is paranoid about getting infected with COVID. And – I have to come to work every day to the hospital. He thinks that I may infect him – so – he has gone crazy taking precautions.  The way he “ostracizes” me – I feel that he has almost excommunicated me from his life…”

“What…? “Ostracized”…? “Excommunicated”…? What are you saying…?”

“It is true. The way he behaves – I feel that way. We live in the same house – but we stay separately in different rooms – he even wanted me to move out and live in the hospital – but – I put my foot down…”

“That’s insane…”

“He insists that we wear masks inside the house – maintain “social distance” – stay totally separate – avoid contact – washing and sanitizing all the time – it’s crazy – only I know the misery I am going through…”

“Avoid contact…? Are you telling me that you haven’t slept together for the last one year – since COVID started…?”

“Sleep together…? Ha Ha. He doesn’t even allow me to get near him. I told you – we sleep in separate rooms – we use separate bathrooms attached to our rooms – he remains cooped up in his room – working day and night – and – he even avoids coming near me when I am home. I am fed up with his paranoia – OCD – constantly washing hands – sanitizing – masks – social distancing – we take more precautions inside our house than people take outside…”

“This is unbelievable. Your husband seems to have really gone crazy due to “COVID Phobia”…”

“Yes – that’s why I gave him your number and asked him to speak to you…?”

“Does he know that I am a psychiatrist…?”

“No. I told him that you were a “COVID Specialist”…” the woman says with a mischievous smile.

“That’s very wicked of you, Uma…” the man says, “you don’t seem to have changed from your college days – the same “naughty” Uma…”

The woman smiles and says to the man: “I am so happy you came here, Rohan. Now – at least – I have someone to talk to. Most of the guys out here are boring “old-fogies”…”

“Yes, Uma – I never imagined you would be in Pune…” the man says.

“I relocated to Pune after my marriage – 3 years ago…” the woman says.

The man’s mobile phone starts ringing – so – he picks it up from the table – looks at the number – and says to the woman: “It’s your husband again…”

“You talk to him…” the woman says, “I have a “C-Section” scheduled – we will meet at lunch in the canteen – there you can tell me all about your entertaining conversation with my husband…”

The woman goes away – and – the man connects the call and starts speaking to the woman’s husband.

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Part 2 – THE GYNAEC AND THE PSYCHIATRIST

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Dear Reader – let me tell you about the two characters who were talking to each other in Part 1 of the story – Dr. Uma (the woman) – who is an obstetrician and gynaecologist (aka – gynaec) – and Dr. Rohan (the man) – a psychiatrist.

Both of them are 30 years old – they were classmates and good friends during their MBBS – later – they went to different colleges in faraway cities for the specializations – and gradually – as it happens when people get busy – they lost contact with each other.

Dr. Uma – the moment she became a gynaec – at the age of 27 – she got married to Ashok – an “IT Nerd” (Software “Techie”) – and relocated to Pune – where her husband lived – and now – she works in a prestigious hospital.

Dr. Rohan – the psychiatrist – who was earlier working in Delhi – started working in the same hospital (as Uma) recently – he joined just a few days ago – and the two classmates – Uma and Rohan – they renewed their friendship.

Rohan is still unmarried – maybe – waiting for his career to take off.

Of course – with the second wave of COVID proliferating in Pune – Rohan hasn’t visited Uma’s home yet – in fact – no one has visited Uma’s house yet – there is no question of her “COVID Phobic” husband Ashok allowing visitors into their house.

After much persuasion by Uma – her husband Ashok agreed to called Rohan – to talk about COVID.

Uma’s husband Ashok – he called Rohan briefly in the morning saying: “I want to be tested – I want to be tested…”  

Rohan had told him to call later – so now – he is calling Rohan again.

Of course – Uma had told her husband that Rohan was a “COVID Specialist” – she didn’t tell him that Rohan was a psychiatrist.

Now – Dear Reader – while Dr. Uma performs the “C-Section” – let us hear the telephonic conversation between the psychiatrist Dr. Rohan and Uma’s husband Ashok.

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PART 3 – THE HYPOCHONDRIAC AND THE PSYCHIATRIST

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“Hello Ashok…” the psychiatrist Dr. Rohan says on the smartphone to Dr. Uma’s husband Ashok.

“The Second Wave of COVID has come in Pune – I want to be tested…” Ashok says, with desperation in his voice.

“Don’t worry – there is no way you can get COVID – you haven’t come in contact with anyone – you even wear a mask in the house – and you keep “social distance” from your wife…” Dr. Rohan says.

“She told you…?”

“Yes…”

“Everything…?”

“Yes…”

“Is she there…?”

“No – she has gone to perform a “C-Section” – a delivery – but we are meeting at lunchtime – in case you want me to tell her something…” Dr. Rohan says to Uma’s husband Ashok.

“No – I don’t want you to tell her about this conversation – what I am going to tell you is strictly confidential…” Ashok says.

“Of course – what you tell me will remain confidential – just between you and me – you are my patient – and – I will never breach patient-doctor confidentiality…” Dr. Rohan says.

“I am sure I have got COVID…” Ashok says.

“How is that possible…?” Dr. Rohan says – you haven’t come in contact with anyone – you even keep away from your wife – and I am sure she doesn’t have COVID – I see her every day – I saw her a few minutes ago – so – you don’t worry – there is no possibility of you having COVID – it is all in your mind…” Dr. Rohan says to Ashok.

“But – I want to be tested – can you send someone home…?” Ashok says.

“See – I told you – there is no need for a test – you have no symptoms – you haven’t come in contact with anyone…” Dr. Rohan says.

“Please – for my mental satisfaction…”

“Okay – I will send someone from the Lab after 2 or 3 days…”

“Today – send the Lab person today…!” Ashok says, with desperation in his voice.

“It is not possible today – the Lab is overloaded – there is a huge rush to get tested – and I already told you that there is no urgency to test you– you have no symptoms – you haven’t come in contact with anyone…” Dr. Rohan says – getting exasperated.

“Actually – I have come in contact with someone…” Ashok stammers – nervously.

“What…? You have come in contact with someone…? Who…?” Dr. Rohan asks Ashok.

“My colleague…” Ashok says.

“Your colleague…? I thought you were working from home…” Dr. Rohan says.

“Yes. My colleague had come home. We live in the same building…”

“When was this…?”

“On Monday…”

“Today is Thursday – so – it was 3 days ago. Did you tell Uma this…? She didn’t mention it to me…”

“No. No. I didn’t tell her. You are the first person I am telling. Please don’t tell her…”

“Okay. You don’t worry – I will not tell her or anyone else – I will keep our conversation strictly confidential…”

“Thank you…”

“When you met your colleague – were both of you were wearing masks…?”

“Of course – I am very particular…”

“I know – Uma told me that you wear a mask 24/7 – even inside your house…” Dr. Rohan says, “you don’t worry – you won’t catch COVID from a momentary contact with someone…”

“It was not a momentary contact…” Ashok says.

“How long were you together…?” Dr. Rohan asks Ashok.

“Around one hour…”

“One hour…? I hope you were maintaining social distance…”

“I don’t know how to tell you this – but – we made love…”

“What you made love…? You had sex…?”

“Yes – but we took all precautions – we had “masked sex” – and – we used “COVID appropriate positions”…”

“What…? “COVID appropriate positions”…? Are you mad…? There are no “COVID safe sex positions” – don’t you know the COVID Safe Sex Guidelines – “you are your safest sex partner” – the only “COVID safe sex” is “do it yourself” sex…”

“I am sorry…”

“I feel sorry for you. You are a disgrace. You don’t sleep with your own wife saying you are afraid of getting COVID – and you brazenly have sex with another woman…”

“It wasn’t a woman – it was a man…”

“What…? A man…?”

“Yes – there is something else – he has tested COVID Positive…”

“When…?”

“He just called up – he was going to fly to Delhi tomorrow for some work – so – he got himself tested…” Ashok says.

Dr. Rohan takes a deep breath to “digest” the bizarre story Ashok has just told him.

Uma’s husband Ashok – the bugger says he had sex with male colleague – who is now COVID Positive.

Dr. Rohan decides to do three things:

First – to send the Lab guy immediately to Uma’s house to get her husband Ashok tested for COVID.

If Ashok turns out COVID Positive – he will have to convince Uma to get tested.

And if Uma is COVID Positive – he – Dr. Rohan – he will have to get himself tested – after all – he and Uma – they had a “quickie” in the morning – and they certainly didn’t use a “COVID appropriate position”.

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VIKRAM KARVE

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Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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