Humor in Uniform – A Lesson I Learnt from a “Dockyard Matey”

A LESSON I LEARNT FROM A “DOCKYARD MATEY”

Story from My Navy Days

Short Fiction

By

VIKRAM KARVE

This Story happened around 45 years ago in the mid 1970’s

“You bloody “Dope-Entry” Technical Officers are “good for nothing”. I will show you how to take charge of those lazy Dockyard buggers…” our Captain bellowed at my Boss.

(By the epithet “Dope-Entry” – the Captain was referring to the fact that my boss was a “Direct Entry” Officer – actually he was a “University Entry” Graduate Engineer Officer – but colloquially – both entries were derisively called “Dope Entry” by the “Cadet Entry” Officers who considered themselves “cat’s whiskers” prima donnas…)

“Let’s go the dockyard workshop…” the Captain said to my boss, “I will personally “sort out” those lazy shirkers and get them moving by giving them a “kick on their backsides”….”

The Captain put on his peaked cap and marched out of his cabin.

My boss said: “Sir – I will get my cap…” – and he went towards his cabin.

I tried to slink away and disappear.

Suddenly – the Captain looked at me – and – he shouted at me:

“You too – come with me – you will learn and thing or two of how to “Take Charge” – “Executive Style”…”

(The Captain was implying that “Taking Charge” was the hallmark of the “Executive” Branch…)

Soon – we were marching in the hot summer sun towards the “Test Centre” which was around half a kilometer away – my Boss marching in step with the Captain – and “yours truly” – me – following meekly like “Mary’s Little Lamb”.

(Those days – Captains of Ships did not get staff cars. The only Captains who enjoyed this privilege were Captains of the Aircraft Carrier and Hydrographic Survey Ships who lowered their ship’s jeep on the jetty for their use ashore…)

Dear Reader – while we walk towards our destination – let me tell you a bit of the background to this story.  

Our ship – a front-line warship of the fleet – a Frigate – was in “refit” ever since the Captain had taken over command a few months ago.

So – the ship had not sailed even a single day under his command.

This meant that – as far as his ACR was concerned – all these days – with the ship in the docks – or – tied up alongside on the jetty ashore – all these days were a waste of time – since – for a Captain in command of a ship – it was his performance at Sea which was critical for his ACR.

(The acronym ACR stands for Annual Confidential Report – the Performance Appraisal Report – the “be-all and end-all” criterion for promotion in the Navy/Military – and – for a Captain – an outstanding Sea Command ACR was most critical for promotion to Flag Rank)

Our Captain’s “rivals” for promotion – the Captains of other ships in the fleet – they were sailing extensively and “earning” their Sea Command ACRs – with their ships participating in exercises and evolutions.

Yes – while his “rival” Captains were demonstrating their seamanship, professional and command skills to the Fleet Commander – and clocking points on their ACRs – our Captain was falling far behind and losing out in the “ACR Race”.

And so – our Captain was desperate to catch up fast with his “rivals”.

He could do this only when the ship’s refit was complete – since – only after the refit was complete would our ship be able to join the fleet at sea.

Hence – our Captain was anxious that the ship’s refit be completed at the earliest – at least on schedule – but it seemed that the refit completion was being delayed because of a “Genset” (Generator aka Alternator) – which had still not been fitted on board ship after overhaul.

“Don’t worry, Sir – the “Genset” will be fitted on time – all trials will be done – and we will be ready to sail next week for the exercise…” my boss assured the Captain.

But – the Captain shouted at our boss:

“You keep saying the same thing again and again – but nothing is happening on ground. There is just one week left for the big exercise – and – I have to sail – otherwise – I will be “written off” – do you understand…? I can’t become an Admiral if my ship is tied up alongside on the jetty. I have assured the Fleet Commander that I will sail and take part in the exercise. In fact – I have requested him to sail on board our ship – as the Flag Ship…”

“Sir – don’t worry – the dockyard will get the ship ready on time…” my boss said.

“I don’t think so – the way they are working – they seem to be in no hurry at all…” the Captain said.

“Sir – I will speak to the concerned dockyard officers…” my boss said.

“What…? “Speak”…? You are going to “speak” to them…? They need a “kick on their bloody backsides” to get them moving – and – I am going to show you how it is done…” the Captain bellowed at my boss, ““You bloody “Dope-Entry” Technical Officers are “good for nothing”. I will show you how to take charge of those lazy Dockyards buggers…”

And so – we were marching in the hot summer sun towards the “Test Centre” – which was around half a kilometer away – my Boss marching in step with the Captain – and “yours truly” – me – following meekly like “Mary’s Little Lamb”.

We reached the “Test Centre” at 10 AM.

It was hot inside the “Test Centre” – and – after a long walk in the blazing sun – we were sweating profusely.

My Boss pointed towards the “Genset” on the “Test Bed” and said to the Captain: “Sir – that is our ship’s “Genset”…”

“I can see that…” the Captain said, “but where is everyone…?”

“Sir – they must have gone for their “Tea Break”…” my boss said.

“What nonsense…!!! Now – it is “Tea Break” – soon it will be “Lunch Break” – then – they will “secure” – when the hell do these dockyard sluggards do some useful work…? the Captain remarked derisively.

After a few minutes – a “Dockyard Matey” sauntered in – he walked towards the “Test Bed” in a most casual and leisurely manner – and he stood next to the “Genset”.

(Dear Reader – Let me explain the Naval Term “Dockyard Matey” – a term of endearment.

In the Navy – Dockyard Workmen are affectionately called “Dockyard Mateys”.

“Dockyard Matey” is the traditional nickname for Non-Navy Civilian Personnel working in a Naval Dockyard.

You will be surprised to know that the Navy probably has more civilian personnel than men in uniform.

Yes – there are a large number of “Naval Civilians” in dockyards, depots, repair yards, shore establishments etc.

In fact – most of the maintenance and logistics units of the Navy have a significant proportion of civilian personnel.

A large majority of the Naval Civilian Personnel work in the two premier Naval Dockyards which play the vital role in keeping warships and submarines in good repair – seaworthy and fighting fit.

“Dockyard Mateys” are tradesmen – ranging from highly skilled/experienced technical experts right down to semi-skilled/unskilled workers

(the designation “unskilled” is a misnomer because even the USLs (Unskilled Labour) are highly proficient workmen).

Except for a handful of Navy Sailors in a few departments – Naval Dockyards are staffed entirely by Civilian Personnel.

But – Naval Dockyards are entirely “commanded” and managed by Uniformed Naval Officers.

Yes – the Admiral Superintendent, General Managers, Managers, Deputy Managers and Assistant Managers are Technical Officers of the Navy.

For a Naval Officer of the Technical Branches – a Dockyard Appointment is considered a Prestigious “Criteria” Appointment.

(I have served a total of 10 years of my long Navy career in both the premier Naval Dockyards in Mumbai and Vizag)

Whereas the Naval Fleets/Flotillas are the frontline afloat component of the Navy – the Naval Dockyards (which keep the Warships/Submarines in good repair and fighting fit) can be considered as the “frontline” shore-based component of the Navy.

So – Uniformed Navy Sailors on board Seagoing Naval Warships afloat – and Civilian Navy “Dockyard Mateys” in Naval Dockyards ashore – both play a significant role in keeping the Navy fighting fit…)

After this digression – let’s continue with our story…

“Hey, you – “is this “Genset” ready…?” the Captain shouted at the “Dockyard Matey”.  

“I don’t know – ask the supervisor …” the “Dockyard Matey” said nonchalantly.

“Where is the supervisor…” the Captain asked the “Dockyard Matey”.

“He will come…” the “Dockyard Matey” said.

“Go get me a glass of water…” the Captain said to the “Dockyard Matey”.

“It is not my job to get water…” the “Dockyard Matey” said rudely to the Captain – looking him in the eye.  

We were appalled on hearing the Dockyard Matey’s words.

There was stunned silence – a grotesque silence.

No one knew what to say – especially the Captain – who was looking dumbfounded by the Dockyard Matey’s curt refusal to comply with his “order”.

The Captain’s simple order to get a glass of water to drink – had elicited a terse reply from the Dockyard Matey: “It is not my job to get water…” 

This had never happened to the Captain before – no one had ever directly disobeyed his order and answered him back in an insolent manner. 

That is why he was struck dumb – not knowing what to say.

Luckily – the Supervisor arrived.

The Supervisor was a Senior Foreman.

He looked at us – and he must have observed us sweating in the heat.

The Senior Foreman looked at the “Dockyard Matey” and told him: “Go and get some cold water for all the Officers…”

The “Dockyard Matey” walked away – and soon – he returned with a tray carrying 3 glasses of cold water – for us to drink.

This incident taught me a lesson I never forgot:

“Never give orders to men who are not under your direct command”.

I followed this principle scrupulously in my Naval Career – on Ships – in Dockyards – and especially in Inter-Service Institutions like IAT Pune – where I served later.

Yes – this principle was especially applicable in places where you had people from various organisations serving together – each with its different unique culture.

The incident I described above in the Naval Dockyard happened in the mid-1970s.

A similar incident happened in IAT Pune around 10 years later in the mid-1980s – when I was posted on the faculty of the Naval Wing at IAT.

IAT Pune was a true inter-service institution.

We had Officers from the Army, Navy and Air Force – both on the Faculty (Staff) – and a large number of “Student” Officers undergoing various Advanced/Post-Graduate Courses in state-of-the-art Military Technologies.

We had Civilian Scientists – mostly on the Teaching Staff.

We had a large Civilian Administrative Staff.

And – we had a few Soldiers, Sailors and Airmen – in the 3 Service Wings.

The Head of the Organisation – Director and Dean – colloquially called “The Dean” – was an Officer of the rank of Major-General/Rear-Admiral/Air-Vice-Marshal/Scientist by rotation.

The newly arrived Dean (a Major General) was not happy with the upkeep of the large verdant campus – so – he pulled up and admonished the OC Adm (Officer-in-Charge Administration).

The “OC Adm” was a Colonel – a “hot shot” go-getter officer – handpicked by the Dean.

In fact – the Dean had brought him along from his previous organization.

The “OC Adm” called the “Estate Officer” (a Major) – and – the “OC Adm” asked him about the shabby state of the campus.

“Sir – the Civilian Gardeners are very lazy – they don’t work properly…” the Estate Officer said.

There were quite a large number of civilian gardeners in IAT.

The good gardeners were deployed to maintain the gardens in the bungalows of senior officers – and prestigious places – like the officers’ mess lawns/garden – and – the lawns/ garden in front of the main building.

The remaining “demotivated” gardeners were deployed to maintain the huge verdant campus – which involved cutting grass and trimming bushes which were growing wild all over.

They seemed to be “malingering” and shirking their duties – and this had resulted in the unkempt appearance all over.

The “go-getter” high-flier “OC Adm” tried his best to “motivate” these lazy indifferent gardeners – but his efforts failed.

These indolent slothful gardeners just would not deliver the results the “OC Adm” wanted – and – the “OC Adm” was “pulled up” and admonished for the second time by the Dean.

The “OC Adm” sat in his office and thought about.

It was impossible to make these civilian gardeners work.

So – why not ask Soldiers to do the job…?

(A “Standard Solution” we see used everywhere – if Civilians don’t do their job – call in the Army to do their job)

And – since IAT was an inter-service institution – why not rope in Sailors and Airmen too to join the Soldiers – and – order them to get the campus cleaned up…?

He decided to order a “Shramdan”.

If you have served in the Military – you would be familiar with the term “Shramdan”.

Literally speaking – “Shramdan” means “donation of labour” – and by its very nature – a “donation” is always voluntary – so – ipso facto – “Shramdan” is also voluntary.

But – in the Military – you are “ordered” to “volunteer” – so – Soldiers, Sailors and Airmen were “ordered” to “volunteer” for “Shramdan” and clean up the campus.

(Of course – “OC Adm” didn’t have the guts to call the civilian staff to participate in the “Shramdan”.

He had failed to make civilian gardeners do the job for which they were paid their salary – so – he was apprehensive about asking civilian scientists and administrative staff to do “Shramdan”.

So – only the Military Personnel – Soldier, Sailors and Airmen – were “ordered” by the “OC Adm” to do “Shramdan” and clean up the campus.)

The response of the 3 Service Wings to the “Shramdam” order of the “OC Adm” was as follows:

The Air Force Boss said: 

“I am not going to order my Airmen to cut grass. It is not their job.”

The Navy Boss said: 

“Well – as far as the Navy is concerned – “Shramdan” is purely voluntary. If some Sailors want to voluntarily go and do “cleanship” – they are welcome to do so.”

The Army Boss told his Officers: 

“I want 100% attendance of all Soldiers in this “Shramdan”. In fact – I want all Officers to participate as well. I will be there personally to supervise.”

So – in the end – it was the Soldiers who did the job meant for civilian gardeners – cutting grass, trimming bushes and clearing wild growth – and they painstakingly and laboriously cleaned up the campus – while everyone else watched from the sidelines.

And – I am sure that the “OC Adm” learnt the same lesson that I had learnt from the “Dockyard Matey” incident – because – later – he was always seen consulting his Navy, Air Force and Scientist Colleagues before passing any instructions/orders. 

VIKRAM KARVE

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Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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