Tweethearts

PROLOGUE 

Dear Reader:

Suppose a stranger says to you:

“My wife loves you…”

What will you do…?

Well – I don’t know what I will do – since no one has said that to me – as yet.

Now – Dear Reader – tell me:

What will you do – if a stranger says to you:

“My wife hates you….”

It happened to me a few days ago.

Let me tell you about it.

TWEETHEARTS 

A Twitter Love Story 

Short Fiction

By

VIKRAM KARVE

PART 1

I was sitting in happy solitude on a comfortable sofa in a cosy corner of the spacious bar of my elite club enjoying a whisky-soda and tweeting on my smartphone.

It was 7 PM – the bar had just opened – and I was the only person in the bar (besides the barman).

A young gentleman walked in.

He ordered a drink at the bar.

While his drink was being prepared – he looked in my direction.

He seemed to be looking at me intently – as if he knew me.

But – I did not recognise him.

The gentleman picked up his drink – and he walked towards me.

The young gentleman said to me: “Good Evening, Sir…”

“Good Evening…” I said, “please sit down…”

The young gentleman said “Thank You, Sir” – and he sat down opposite me.

Then – he looked at me and said: “Sir – by any chance – are you…?” (He mentioned my name)

“Yes…” I said, “that is my name…”

The young gentleman introduced himself.

I didn’t recall ever meeting him.

In fact – I had never heard of him before.

So – I said to him: “I am sorry – but – I really don’t recognise you. Have we met before…?”

“No, Sir – we haven’t met before – but – my wife knows you…” he said.

“Your wife knows me…?” I said, curious.

“Yes, Sir. In fact – my wife hates you….” the young man said.

I was taken aback.

I recovered from the surprise and I said to the man: “Your wife “hates” me…? How can you say that…? I don’t think I know your wife – or you…”

“Of course, you know my wife…” the man said, “her twitter handle is @XXX…”

I recognised the twitter handle he mentioned at once – @XXX – it was that nasty “anonymous” troll who made rude, provocative and acrimonious comments on my tweets.

From the tone of the tweets – I had guessed that @XXX was probably an obnoxious woman – but then – it could have been a depraved man hiding behind that anonymous handle @XXX – which seemed “gender neutral” – in fact – it was a rather inanimate sounding handle.

(Dear Reader: For obvious reasons – I don’t want to reveal her actual Twitter Handle – so – I am calling the Twitter handle @XXX…)

I looked at the man – and I said to him: “Oh…! So – @XXX is your wife…! I thought@XXX is a fake handle who is trolling me…”

“Trolling…?”

“Yes – this @XXX – who you say is your wife – I am having a “Twitter Battle” with her right now – she made some nasty comments on my tweet – so – I was rebutting…” I said.

“Sir – her twitter “handle” may be “anonymous” – a pseudonym – but she is very much real…” he said.

“Yes – you told me – @XXX is your wife…” I said.

“Sir – I recognised you at once – from your photo on your Twitter Profile. You reveal everything on your profile – your picture – your bio – everything is genuine – but – she has an anonymous profile – a misleading bio…” he said.

“Oh, Yes. And – for her Display Picture (DP) – she had a picture of a crab – then changed it to a scorpion – and now – it is a deadly snake – a menacing cobra with its hood open – she likes to have very vicious and aggressive DPs indeed…” I said.

I heard the sound of a Twitter notification.

I picked my smartphone and looked at the screen.

It was a tweet from @XXX.

As usual – the tweet from @XXX was a spiteful tweet - accusing me of “running away from the “battle” like a coward…”

I looked at the man and I said to him: “I was talking to you – so – I didn’t tweet for a while – and – your wife - @XXX – she has made a rather disparaging tweet against me…”

“Yes, Sir – I see it here…” the man said looking at his smartphone.

“You see her tweet…?” I said, surprised.

“Sir – I follow both of you on Twitter…” he said.

“Oh – so you are on Twitter too…!” I said.

“Yes, Sir – I am on Twitter – but I am mostly “passive” – I just read tweets. And Sir – please don’t ask me my “Twitter Handle” – I want to remain totally anonymous – for obvious reasons…” he said.

“Oh, Yes. In your case – I can understand. But your wife – there are no restrictions on her – so – why does she want to remain anonymous on Twitter – what is she afraid of…?” I said.

Suddenly – a thought came to my mind – so – I said to the man: “Don’t tell me that she is also an officer in the…”

“No, No, Sir…” the man said, “she is a civilian. She works here – in Mumbai – and I get posted all over the place – we have a long-distance marriage…”

“Oh – No Wonder – I remember I had posted a story about a “Long Distance Marriage” – and she - @XXX – your wife – she went “rabid” – tweeting such nasty comments…” I said.

“I know, Sir – I read your story – and her tweets too – she has very strong views on this subject – Yes, Sir – she is quite opinionated…” he said.

“Opinionated…? That’s an understatement. I think she is extremely rigid, prejudiced and dogmatic on some issues – almost fanatical. And – very hot-headed too…” I said.

“Yes, Sir…” he smiled, “hot-headed and obstinate. Who knows that better than me…!”

“I have one problem with her. Disagreeing with my views is fine – but – there is no need to get personal. Sometimes – she insults me very badly – she calls me all sorts of things – “bigoted” – “chauvinist” – “hypocrite” – all sorts of terrible slurs…!” I said.

“I know, Sir…” he said, “I have seen those “hateful” tweets. I have advised her – but she won’t listen…”

“If she “hates” me so much – why doesn’t she block me…?” I said.

“Why don’t you ask her…?” he said.

“Is she here…?” I asked, surprised.

“Yes, Sir – she is sitting by the seaside – tweeting away. She just had a “Twitter Battle” with you. Now – it must be with someone else. She “fights” multiple Twitter Battles…”

“Like a multi-front war…?”

“Yes…” he said, “but I think she “enjoys” the “Twitter Battles” with you the most – she gets totally “hyper” when she interacts with you…”

“Really…?”

“Yes, Sir. For her – on Twitter – you are “Enemy No. 1” – and you are probably the only one who engages her 24/7…”

“Yes. I am on Twitter all my waking hours…” I said.

“The worst is at night…” he said.

“At night…?”

“Yes, Sir – late at night – when we are in bed – instead of making love to me – she is engaged in “Twitter Battles” with you…”

“Oh…” I said.

“Sir – our married life is ruined because of your “Twitter Battles” – especially the “bouts” which extend late into the night…” he said.

“Oh – I really didn’t imagine…” I said, feeling contrite.

“Sir, just last night – when we were in bed – and I was in a “romantic” mood – she suddenly saw your tweet saying that military wives should be either homemakers or teachers – and she went “bonkers” – berserk with anger…” he said.

“I know – it was quite an acrimonious exchange of tweets…” I said.

“Sir, it lasted all night – your “twitter battle” was still going on when I woke up at 2 AM for a glass of water…” he said.

“I know…” I said, “I got quite carried away “battling” it out with her. She lost the argument – so – as usual she started making personal comments on me – “You are the biggest hypocrite I have seen – a man of double standards…” – “You try to show that you are a feminist. But actually – you are a misogynist…” – and – when I tried to make amends – she accused me of “talking down” to her in a condescending manner…”

“I know, Sir…” he said, “I saw the exchange of tweets in the morning…”

I finished the remains of my drink.

I saw that his glass was empty too.

“Let’s have a refill…” I said to him, “What’s your drink…? Whisky-Soda…?”

“No. No. Sir – let’s go out – my wife must be wondering why I am taking so long…” he said, “I’ll order drinks for all of us and tell the barman to send them to the seaside…”

“To be frank – I’d rather not meet your wife…” I said.

“Come on, Sir – don’t you want to meet your “Tweetheart” …?” he said, with a mischievous smile.

“Tweetheart…!!!” I said, “are you crazy…?”

“Sir – I am curious to see what happens when you two come face to face for the first time…” he said.

“You want to see me getting beaten up…?” I said, “seeing how violently she hates me – I am sure she will ferociously attack me the moment she sees me. Remember – she knows how I look – I have my latest Photo as my Display Picture on my Twitter Profile…”

“Don’t worry, Sir – I am there with you. Please come, Sir – I want the two of you to meet and talk – for my sake…” he insisted, “I want a “truce” between you two…”

“Truce…? You mean a “Twitter Truce” – do you…?

“Yes, Sir…”

“It’s easy…” I said, “I told you before. You just tell her to “block” me – or – at least – she can “unfollow” me…”

“That’s not possible, Sir. She is “addicted” to you…” he said.

“Addicted…?”

“Yes, Sir. And – I am sure you are “addicted” to her too – because you too haven’t unfollowed or blocked her despite all those insulting tweets she has tweeted against you…” he said, “Sir – people are addicted to “love” – you two are addicted to “hate” – a “violent” relationship – where people enjoy being nasty to each other. You are addicted to hating each other – you enjoy hurting each other – it’s like an online version of BDSM…”

“What…? “Online BDSM”…? Are you crazy…?”

“Sorry, Sir – I just wanted to say that you hate each other so much…”

“Well – I don’t hate her – it is she who spews venom at me…” I said, “at least till now – she is doing it offline on Twitter. But – if she sees me in person – she may even “bite” me viciously with all her “venom” – remember – her latest DP is a poisonous cobra snake…!”

“Sir – please come and meet her – I assure you that you will be absolutely safe…” he said.

“Okay…” I said, “since you are guaranteeing my safety – let’s go and meet your wife…”

And so – I walked along with the young gentleman – towards the seaside promenade – and I steeled myself for the encounter with my Twitter “nemesis” – @XXX – my “Tweetheart” (as her husband had jokingly called her). 

PART 2 

We – the young gentleman and I – we walked towards the seaside – and – I saw her – my “Twitter Enemy” – @XXX – for the first time in my life.  

I had expected @XXX to be a “feminist” type “shrew”.

But – what I saw before me totally staggered me – it really shook me up and it made me feel uneasy.

She was the most intimidating woman I had ever seen – very tough looking – and she was looking at me in a curious manner – as we walked towards her.

Surely – she must have recognised me – from my photo on my Twitter Profile – and – she must be wondering what I was doing with her husband.

We – @XXX and I – we had just had a vicious “Twitter Battle” – and – she had sent me some really nasty tweets – to which I had responded “appropriately” – resulting in quite an acrimonious situation.

I was terrified should she convert her online “Twitter” anger into offline real-life fury.

She was the most tough looking “macho woman” I had ever seen – a “masculine” female – a “He-Woman” – a “She-Male” – well – I really can’t find words to describe her – but I am sure you have got an idea how formidable she looked.

Yes – she looked like a “body builder” – her arms were as big as my thighs – and – I was sure that she could easily knock me out with one punch and beat me to pulp.

Yes – this Macho “He-Woman” could easily pulverize me.

I could see that the “Macho Woman” was looking at me curiously.

I trembled with fear – like a lamb being taken to the slaughter.

The young gentleman pointed to the “He-Woman” and he said to me: “Sir – please meet “YYY” – my course-mate from the academy…”

Taken aback – I said to him: “So – this not your wife…?”

“Of course not, Sir – I told you that my wife is a civilian…” he said.

“Where is you wife…?” I asked him.

“She is over there – sitting on the parapet by the seaside – tweeting…” the “Macho-Woman” said – pointing towards the promenade.

“I’ll get her…” the young gentleman said – and he walked towards the promenade.

I looked at the “Macho-Woman” – feeling relieved that she was not my “Twitter Enemy” @XXX…

“Macho-Woman” smiled at me and said: “Sir – I am posted to Mumbai – so – I had called my course-mate and his wife to the club…”

I smiled at her.

She smiled back at me.

Then – she said: “Ah – there they come…”

I looked towards the sea.

The young gentleman and his wife @XXX emerged from the darkness.

Light from the overhead floodlight fell on their faces.

I looked at my “Twitter Enemy” @XXX.

When I saw her face – I was rendered speechless with awe.

I had never imagined that @XXX would look so lovely – so dainty and delicate.

She was an exquisite beauty – with flawless fair complexion – her luxuriant black hair flowing down her back – her sharp features accentuated by the light falling on her face – her nose slightly turned up, so slender and translucent – as though accustomed to smelling nothing but perfumes.

Yes – she really looked lovely.

I had never seen anyone so beautiful, so virginal, and so vulnerable.

She was truly gorgeous.

I could not take my eyes off her.

The young gentleman’s voice interrupted my trance.

“Sir – your “Tweetheart” @XXX – my wife Menaka…” he said.

“Menaka”…!!! The name suited her perfectly. She indeed looked like an “Apsara” – a celestial beauty.

The young gentleman – Menaka’s husband – he said to me: “And, of course – Sir – you need no introduction – I am sure Menaka has your profile picture and “bio” etched in her mind…” 

I smiled at Menaka – she smiled back – not a genuine smile – but a smile of forced geniality.

She didn’t seem quite happy to see me.

“Sir – why don’t you join us for dinner…?” the young gentleman said to me.

I looked at Menaka – aka – Twitter Handle @XXX.

I could clearly see the message in her eyes – she was signalling me “NO”.

So – I said to the young gentleman: “Thank you so much – but – I have to get back to Pune – my wife will be waiting for me – I had told her that I would be back home by midnight…”

“Sir – are you going to drive all the way to Pune at night…” he asked.

“No. No. I have hired a taxi – I had sent the driver to have dinner – he should be back by now…” I said.

“Oh…” he said, “so you have come on a day’s visit to Mumbai…?”

“Yes…” I said, “I had some work in Ballard Estate in the afternoon – and – I came to the club to pick up my renewed membership cards – and after that – I decided to have a drink in the bar – and I was so lucky to meet you…” I said.

“And – your “Tweetheart”…” he joked.

“Yes…” I said, “it was pure serendipity…”

I looked at all of them – and said “Goodbye”.

The young gentleman and his course-mate (the “Macho-Woman) – both wished me “Goodbye” – but – Menaka didn’t say anything – but – I could see relief in her eyes that I was going away.

I turned – and I walked towards the car park. 

PART 3

My Taxi was waiting for me.

As we drove towards Pune – I thought about my encounter with Menaka – who I earlier knew only as Twitter Handle @XXX

I felt angry at the way she had snubbed me.

I wondered how a person who was so horrible on Twitter could be so delicate in real life.

What a contrast between her online and offline persona – like Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde.

Suddenly – there was a notification sound on my smartphone.

@XXX (aka Menaka) – she had sent me a Private Message on Twitter – what they call Direct Message or “DM” in Twitter Parlance.

[NB: Twitter TimeLine (TL) is public – the Tweets and Comments can be seen my all. Twitter Direct Message (DM) is private – the DMs between the two persons can be seen only by the two persons involved…]

“Hi – it was good meeting you. BTW – you look even more handsome than your profile picture…” Menaka had messaged me.

I was taken aback.

This was the first time I had received a DM from @XXX (aka Menaka).

Till now – it was only acrimonious comments on my Twitter Timeline (TL).

I replied to her DM – Menaka replied too – and then – we had a Private Twitter Conversation.

Here is the gist of the “DM” conversation between Menaka and Me.

Menaka: Hi – it was good meeting you. BTW – you look even more handsome than your profile picture.

Me: Thank you. But – I never imagined you would look so “najuk”…

Menaka: “Najuk”…?

Me: You look so “Dainty and Delicate” – so lovely…

Menaka: You mistook my husband’s “Macho-Woman” course-mate for me – isn’t it…?

Me: Yes. The way you are aggressive on Twitter – I thought you would be one of those intimidating “masculine” women – but you are so feminine…

Menaka: It’s good you didn’t stay for dinner…

Me: How could I – after the way you looked at me – clearly telling me not to stay for dinner…

Menaka: I didn’t want you to stay of dinner.

Me: But why…?

Menaka: My husband would have found out…

Me: Found out what…?

Menaka: That we are in love with each other…!!!

Me: What…?

Menaka: Aren’t you in love with me…?

Me: I don’t know…

Menaka: Of course, you are in love with me – I knew all along – the way you engage with me on Twitter – and now – I saw it in your eyes…

Me: Maybe…

Menaka: You are in love with me. I am in love with you. We are in love with each other. Accept it.

Me: I am married.

Menaka: So am I.

Me: I am double your age – maybe even more…

Menaka: That doesn’t matter…

Me: You have such a nice husband…

Menaka: But I don’t love him the way I love you…

Me: But why…?

Menaka: I am demisexual…?

Me: “Demisexual…?”

Menaka: I need a strong emotional connection to be attracted to someone…

Me: “Strong Emotional Connection”…?

Menaka: Like we have on Twitter.

Me: But we “hate” each other on Twitter.

Menaka: That doesn’t matter – it’s the “emotional connect” that matters…

Me: I am confused…

Menaka: BTW – you are “demisexual” too…

Me: Really…? Now you have totally confused me…

Menaka: Let me explain it to you – what “demisexuality” means – why we are in love with each other…

And then – Dear Reader – we (@XXX aka Menaka and Me) – we had a long DM conversation on Twitter – and in the end – I was convinced that both of us were indeed “demisexual” – and we were truly in love with each other.

So – it was the beginning of a beautiful Twitter relationship – an eternal relationship – a unique stimulating “dual” relationship – which continues till today – and will continue forever.

On Twitter TL – we spew “hate” at each other.

On Twitter DM – we make “love” to each other. 

VIKRAM KARVE

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Disclaimer:

1. This article is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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Part 1 of this story written by me Vikram Karve posted in my blogs at urls: https://karvediat.blogspot.com/2019/08/twitter-warriors.html  and  https://karve.wordpress.com/2019/08/30/twitter-warriors-a-story-part-1/ and Parts 1 and 2 at urls: http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2019/08/twitter-warriors-parts-1-and-2.html and  https://karvediat.blogspot.com/2019/08/twitter-warriors-parts-1-and-2_30.html  and  https://karve.wordpress.com/2019/08/30/twitter-warriors-parts-1-and-2-unfinished-story/

     

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.