Humor in Uniform – ACR English

Humor in Uniform

ACR ENGLISH

A Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE 

THE “UNASSUMING” OFFICER

The word “unassuming” has a positive connotation.

“UNASSUMING” means MODEST.

Modesty is a virtue.

For an Officer in the Defence Services – Modesty is considered an “Officer Like Quality” (OLQ).

A Navy Friend was rendering the Performance Appraisal of an Officer called “XXX”.

In the Defence Services – the Performance Appraisal Form is called the Annual Confidential Report (ACR).

While filling up the ACR Form – my Friend (the Initiating Officer or IO) wrote in the “pen picture” column:

“…XXX is an unassuming officer…”

My friend was summoned by his Boss (the Reviewing Officer or RO). 

The Boss (RO) said to my Friend (IO):

“There is a mismatch in this ACR. 

You have given very high numerical points to the officer in performance rating column. 

But – you have given him an “adverse report” in the “pen picture”. 

In the “pen picture” – you have written – 

“…XXX is an “unassuming” officer…” 

You better rewrite the ACR. 

If you want to give him an “adverse report” – lower the numerical points – and – please get the officer’s signature on the “adverse remark”...” 

On hearing these words from his Boss – my Friend was nonplussed. 

My Friend said to his Boss: 

“Sir – the word “unassuming” – it is not an “adverse remark”…” 

The Boss said to my Friend:

“Of course it is an “adverse remark”. 

The word “unassuming” means that he does not “assume” things. 

Well – let me tell you that – officers are supposed to “assume” things – officers are supposed to take initiative, be innovative, have vision... 

Yes – officers are supposed to be “assuming” – not “unassuming”…” 

On hearing this logic – my Friend said to his Boss: 

“Sir – in my opinion –being “unassuming” is a positive attribute. 

To the best of my knowledge – “unassuming” means being “modest” – being “down-to-earth” – “humble” and “unpretentious” – being a “gentleman” – yes – being “unassuming” is a “gentlemanly” trait. 

Tell me, Sir – Officers are supposed to be “gentlemen” – aren’t they…?” 

On hearing this argument – the Boss glared at my Friend and said: 

“Stop bullshitting me…” 

My friend looked at his Boss and said: 

“Sir – please ask your Staff Officer to get a dictionary – I will show you what the word “unassuming” means…” 

“Are you trying to teach me English…?” the boss angrily said to my friend.

“No – Sir. I am just trying to prove my point that my use of the word “unassuming” is correct and it has a positive connotation...” my friend said to his boss.

The Boss (RO) looked angrily at my Friend (IO) and said:

“Now – you listen to me. 

You may know what “unassuming” means. 

I may understand what “unassuming” means. 

But – will those buggers up there in Headquarters understand…? 

Let me tell you that if you call the officer “unassuming” – it will be considered as an “adverse remark” – and – this officer will be “written off”. 

Do you want to “write off” this officer...?

Is he so bad and useless – that you want to finish off his career…?” 

“No – Sir. He is a very good officer…” my friend said. 

The Boss smiled at my Friend and said: 

“Then please take back this ACR form – and write a fresh one. 

You can replace the word “unassuming” with some “standard term” which everyone understands – like “sincere” – “hardworking” – “diligent” etc – use words that everyone can understand easily – especially the “bigwigs” upstairs…” 

MORAL OF THE STORY 

Well – there was a time when “Proficiency in English” was considered an essential “Officer Like Quality” (OLQ) 

But today – highfalutin jargon, magniloquent language and pompous words are not relevant anymore. 

What is important is to use words that everyone can understand easily. 

VIKRAM KARVE

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Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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Revised repost of my story “FAUJI” ENGLISH posted online by me Vikram Karve earlier in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Blog on April 19, 2015 at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/04/humor-in-uniform-fauji-english.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/09/humour-in-uniform-acr-english.html etc