Humor in Uniform – “Prima Donna Commander” versus “Clueless Commodore”

Do you think that blind obedience is the norm in the Armed Forces...? 

Do you think that all Defence Officers are “Yes Sir, Yes Sir, Three Bags Full Sir” Type Bootlickers...? 

It is certainly not so. 

During my Navy Days – I have seen plenty of “healthy arguments”, heated exchanges, hilarious banter, wit and repartee. 

Once – when I was a raw Sub Lieutenant on my first ship – a frontline warship – my Captain was giving me a severe scolding – a “bottle” – in Navy Parlance. 

(Yes – “BOTTLE” is Naval Slang for a “Reprimand”.

“Bottle” may have been shortened from “a dose from the foretopman’s bottle”.

This may be connected with the story that, in sailing ship days

bottles of medicine (for the commoner 
ailments) were labelled according to the “parts of the ship” and that, when a
seaman reported to the sick bay, he was dosed from the bottle belonging to his
own part of the ship)







Reverting back to my story – where my Captain was giving me a severe scolding – a “bottle” – I had been careless – and I fully deserved the “bottle”. 




Suddenly – I looked at the clock behind the Captain.




It was 1230 Hours (past noon). 




I remembered there was a PLD (Pre-Lunch Drinks) in the Wardroom. 




So – I said to the Captain: 




“Sir – there is a PLD now – so – you can continue your scolding after the PLD...” 




The Captain broke out into laughter. 




After imbibing a substantial quantity of beer – I had built up enough “Dutch Courage”.




So now – I was giving it back to the Captain – nice and proper. 







“Prima Donna Commander”




Now – let me get back to the story I am going to tell you. 

Sometime ago – while I was surfing on Facebook – a familiar face suddenly popped up on the screen. 

The face belonged to an inimitable unforgettable character I met in the Navy – the “Prima Donna Commander” – who was famous for his wit and repartee.

And – looking at his picture – I remembered this story from my Vizag Dockyard Days. 

Many civilians feel that the Defence Services are full of “Yes Sir, Yes Sir, Three Bags Full Sir” type of officers who blindly obey their superior officers. 

This may be so – but I have seen many exceptions – like the “Prima Donna Commander” – who had a fantastic gift of the gab – and he lost no opportunity to have a go at everyone – especially senior officers.

Dear Reader – Let me delve into my Humor in Uniform archives and pull out this amusing anecdote for you.

This story happened around 27/28 years ago – in the late 1980s/early 1990s or thereabouts, I think. 

Do read this story of the “Prima Donna Commander” and the “Clueless Commodore” and tell me if you still think that all Defence Officers are “Yes Sir, Yes Sir, Three Bags Full Sir” Type Bootlickers...

Have a laugh... 

“PRIMA DONNA” COMMANDER vs “CLUELESS” COMMODORE 
Memoirs of a Navy Veteran

A Fictional Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE

The Navy is a great place.

You come across all types of individuals.

During my long service in the Navy – I met a number of unforgettable characters.

How can I forget the “Prima Donna Commander” – a truly witty officer who always electrified the atmosphere with his piercing wit and repartee. 

Also – how can I forget the “Clueless Commodore” – who made our lives miserable thanks to his workaholism).

And – how can I forget this banter between the “Prima Donna Commander” and the “Clueless Commodore”...

Here is a story featuring both of them...

“PRIMA DONNA” COMMANDER vs “CLUELESS” COMMODORE

(A Fictional Spoof By Vikram Karve)

Once upon a time – long long ago – in a premier Naval Dockyard – the “W” department of a considered itself the numero uno department. 

The “W” department had become a law unto itself – “a Dockyard within a Dockyard” – as someone commented. 

The Head of the “W” department was a “hot-shot” Commander – the “hero” of this story – the “Prima Donna Commander” – who thought himself to be the ultimate “cats whiskers”.

Professionally – the “Prima Donna Commander” was highly competent – no doubt about it – he was very efficient in his job – and he was a linguist too – a truly multilingual officer – proficient in over 10 languages – Indian and Foreign.

Highly intelligent – an impatient man always in a hurry – the “Prima Donna Commander” was a real eager beaver go-getter – a typical Type “A” personality – who could not suffer fools gladly.

Unfortunately for the “Prima Donna Commander” – his boss – the General Manager (GM) – a senior Commodore – was professionally quite clueless – slow at decision-making – and he wanted everything explained to him in detail – again and again.

The GM’s style of working irritated the “Prima Donna Commander” – so he bypassed his GM (the “Clueless Commodore”) – and communicated directly with higher-ups.

On urgent and important issues – the hot-shot “Prima Donna Commander” interacted directly with the bigwigs in the Command Headquarters – and he got quick decisions directly from Senior Staff Officers at the Headquarters (HQ).

One morning – the GM (“Clueless Commodore”) was hugely embarrassed in front of the C-in-C (a Vice Admiral) – as he seemed clueless about what was going on his own Dockyard – whereas the Headquarters Staff Officers were updated – and the HQ Staff Officers “educated” the GM in front of everyone about the happenings his own Dockyard.

This was – predictably – thanks to the one-upmanship of the “Prima Donna Commander”.

The furious GM came back to his office – and he called a meeting of all Managers.

As usual – the “Prima Donna Commander” did not turn up for the meeting saying that he was busy.

The Commodore sent his Staff Officer to personally summon and escort the “Prima Donna Commander” to the GM’s Office.

After the “Prima Donna Commander” arrived – the GM “read the riot act” to all of us.

The Commodore specifically warned us to follow the proper hierarchy channel – and we were ordered not to bypass the chain of command.

Predictably – the “Prima Donna Commander” got into an argument with the “Clueless Commodore”.

Finally – the “Clueless Commodore” lost his temper – and he shouted at the “Prima Donna Commander”: 

“Where I sit – this is the GM’s chair. 

You come and sit here – and you will know how it feels like – sitting here on this chair…”

The moment the “Clueless Commodore” finished his sentence – the “Prima Donna Commander” quickly got up from his seat.

Then – the “Prima Donna Commander” moved swiftly – and – he walked across – and he stood behind the Commodore.

“What are you doing...?” the bewildered “Clueless Commodore” asked the “Prima Donna Commander”.

The “Prima Donna Commander” said loudly to the “Clueless Commodore”:

“Sir – I want to know how it feels like – sitting on the GM’s chair...” 

“What...?” the bewildered Commodore exclaimed.

The “Prima Donna Commander” gestured to the “Clueless Commodore” to rise and vacate the GM’s chair – and he said to the “Clueless Commodore”: 

“Sir – Please let me sit in your chair – I really want to experience how it feels like – sitting on the GM’s chair...” 

EPILOGUE

The “Prima Donna Commander” got promoted to Captain in his first shot.

But – he never occupied the GM’s Chair.

He quit the Navy a few years later to seek greener pastures abroad – and – someone told me that he was doing extremely well over there as an entrepreneur in the “civvy street”.

Had the “Prima Donna Commander” remained in the Navy – I am sure that he would surely have achieved Flag Rank.

The “Clueless Workaholic Commodore” literally burnt midnight oil till his last day of service – making everyone miserable – till he finally retired as a Commodore – having failed to make it to Flag Rank. 

So – Dear Reader – if you think all officers in the Defence Services are obsequious “Yes Sir, Yes Sir, Three Bags Full Sir” type Bootlickers – think again...!!! 

VIKRAM KARVE

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Disclaimer:

1. This yarn is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh. 

2. This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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Updated Version of My Story First Posted 3 years ago by me Vikram Karve  in this blog at 2/11/2014 02:44:00 PM at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/02/humor-in-uniform-prima-donna-commander.html  and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/10/humor-in-uniform-unforgettable.htmland  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/05/humor-in-uniform-are-all-officers-yes.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/01/humor-in-uniform-wit-and-repartee.html etc