How to bite your husband

HUMOR IN MARRIAGE

HOW TO BITE YOUR HUSBAND

Disclaimer:

This is not a true story. This story is a work of fiction. Events, places, settings and incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. This story is a spoof, pure fiction, satire, just for fun and humour, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

“LOVE” BITE

A Fictional Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE 

New Delhi

Circa 1982

“Who bit you...? This is quite a serious bite wound. Tell me – who bit you – was it a pet dog – or a stray dog…?” the pretty nurse at the emergency OPD asked me.

“This is not a “dog bite” – it is a “human bite”…?” I said.

“Human bite…? Who bit you, Sir…?”

“My wife bit me…” I said.

Trying to suppress her laughter – the nurse said:

“Sir – I think you better show your bite wound to the Duty Medical Officer (MO)…”

“Duty MO…?”

“Sir – I know how to treat “dog bites” – but – I have never handled a “human bite” before…” the nurse said, smiling at me.

“Okay – please call him…” I said to the nurse.

“Sir – I think you better wake him up…”

“Wake him up…?”

“The Duty MO is sleeping in the office of the Commandant – it is the first room at the end of the corridor…”

“Okay – you come with me…” I said to the nurse.

So – with the nurse in tow – I walked to the office of the Commandant – and – I knocked at the door.

There was no response – so I banged at the door.

“Who the hell is it…?” an angry male voice shouted from inside.

“Emergency case…” I said.

After some time – the door opened – and – the Duty MO – a sleepy AMC Lieutenant Colonel – stood in front of me.

He was sleeping in air-conditioned comfort in the Commandant’s Office – and he was obviously miffed at being woken up from his deep sleep.

His face seemed to be familiar.

The Duty MO looked at me – and he asked me:

“You are in the Navy – aren’t you…?”

“Yes, Sir…”

“You live in Curzon Road Apartments – don’t you…?”

“Yes, Sir…”

“We see you in the lawns playing with your dog in the mornings when we have our tea in our balcony…”

“Yes, Sir…”

“So – what do you want – why the hell have you woken me up at this unearthly hour…?” the Duty MO said angrily.

“Sir – the nurse asked me to wake you up…” I said, sheepishly.

The Duty MO looked questioningly at the nurse – who was standing behind me.

“Sir – a “bite wound”…” the nurse said.

“Oh. So – your pet dog bit you…” the Duty MO said to me.

Then – the Duty MO said angrily to the nurse:

“I am sure his pet dog is vaccinated against rabies – so – just wash the wound – give him a tetanus shot – and let him go. Haven’t you been taught the basics at Nursing School…? Why the hell are you waking me up…?”

“Sir – it is not my dog…” I interrupted.

“Oh – so you were bitten by a stray dog…? Then we may have to give you “anti-rabies” vaccine…” the Duty MO said – and – he looked at the nurse.

“Sir – it is not a dog bite – it is a “human bite”…” the nurse said.

“What…? “Human Bite”…?” the Duty MO exclaimed.

Then – he looked at me and asked me:

“Who the hell bit you…?”

“My wife…” I said.

“What...? Your wife bit you…?”

“Yes, Sir…” I said – and – I showed him the bite wound on my left forearm – between my wrist and elbow.

“Bloody hell – this seems to be quite a deep wound – your wife seems to have really good teeth…” the Duty MO said.

“Yes, Sir…”

“Well – in my 20 years’ service – I have treated many “dog bite” cases – but – this is the first time I am seeing a “human bite” case...” the Duty MO said – looking at the nurse.

The nurse said to the Duty MO: 

“Sir – I have already cleaned the wound with antiseptic – I will give him a tetanus shot – and – should we give him “anti-rabies” vaccine also…?”

“Why “anti-rabies”…?”

“Sir – his wife may not have been vaccinated against rabies…” the nurse said.

The Duty MO thought for a while – and then he said to me:

“I hope your wife is not “rabid” – is she…?”

“Rabid…?”

“Is your wife showing any signs of rabies – acting strangely – getting “hyper” – mood swings – foaming in the mouth...? Is she going around biting people...? Has she bitten anybody else…?”

“No, Sir – my wife is absolutely normal – I am the only person she has bitten so far…” I said.

“That’s good – but – as I said – this is my first case of “human bite” – so – it is best to take a “specialist opinion” from the “immunologist” – just to be sure…” the Duty MO said.

“Sir – you are a Doctor – why don’t you give me a tetanus shot and let me go…” I pleaded.

“You don’t try to act smart – okay…? You came here and reported to the OPD – didn’t you…? Now – you will bloody well listen to what I say. Do you understand…?”

“Sir – I thought you are a “specialist” too – since you are a Lieutenant Colonel…”

“Of course I am a “specialist” – I have specialized in “psychiatry”.  As a Psychiatrist – I can deal with you after you go crazy – but now – I am trying to prevent you from going mad. I just want to rule out the possibility of rabies – and – I am curious to know whether “anti-rabies” vaccination is required for “human bites”. Though I am a Psychiatrist – I always like to keep learning…” 

The Duty MO looked at the nurse and said:

“Check in the telephone directory and get me the immunologist on the phone…”

“Sir – it is past midnight…” the nurse said.

“So what – the bugger is junior to me – just get him on the line…”

The moment he was connected – the Duty MO said to the immunologist:

“I wanted to consult you on a “human bite” case. There is a Naval Officer here – Lieutenant “K” – with a deep wound on his forearm – severe bite marks – he says that his wife bit him…”

The Duty MO listened for some time – and then – he said to me:

“You didn’t tell me that you know the immunologist – Lieutenant Colonel “X” – he says you two were drinking partners in SP Marg Mess…”

“Yes, Sir – I knew Lieutenant Colonel “X” – I knew he was a doctor – but I didn’t know he was an immunologist…”

“Do you know what Lieutenant Colonel “X” is asking me…?”

“No, Sir…”

“Your friend Lieutenant Colonel “X” wants to know whether it is a “Love Bite”…”

“It’s not a “Love Bite” – it is a bloody “Hate Bite”…” I said.

“Ha, Ha…” the Duty MO said to the immunologist, “He says that it is a “hate bite”…”

They talked “medical gobbledygook” for some time.

Then – the Duty MO put the phone down and said to me:

“No worries. Come with me – we will give you a tetanus shot and some antibiotics – and – keep the wound open – we will apply an ointment to prevent infection…”

After the “treatment” for “human bite” was over – the Duty MO took me to back to the Commandant’s Office – and he poured some coffee from his flask for both of us.

The Duty MO looked at me and said:

“Now that the “medical” treatment is over – let is deal with the “legal” aspects...”

“Legal aspects…” I said, confused.

“Yes. This is “medico-legal” case – you have been brutally bitten by your wife – I have to make out a proper report – so – you will have to tell me what happened…”

“Sir – I was sleeping – and – my wife bit me…”

“Is she crazy…? She just bites you without any provocation…? I think you better send her to me. After all – I am a psychiatrist – and we hardly have any patients…”

“No, Sir – she is not crazy. It is not her fault. I had too much to drink – and I was fast asleep…”

“And she wanted to…?”

“No, Sir – it is not that. The power supply tripped – so – our air-cooler stopped – and it became very hot in the room. My wife woke up and she could not sleep due to the heat – so she wanted to wake me up – but I was fast asleep in my drunken state – so – I didn’t get up – and – she got angry…”

“So – she bit you…”

“No, Sir – it was not only due to that. She realized that the lights had gone off only in our flat – so she wanted me to go out and set right the MCB which had tripped – the MCB is located outside the flat near the lift – so – she was trying to wake me up – and – when I didn’t respond – she bit me on my hand…”

“And then…?”

“I was jolted out of my sleep – and – I went and set right the MCB – and – the lights came on – the cooler started working – and – my wife went to sleep…”

“And then – you came here to the hospital emergency OPD…?”

“No, Sir – I saw that the bite wound was quite serious – so – I quietly came out of my flat and woke up my neighbour – he also thought that my dog had bitten me – so – he took me to a “Vet” who lives on the same floor…”

“Ha Ha – he took you to a “Vet”…?”

“Sir – no one believed that my wife had bitten me. I convinced them with great difficulty – and – the “Vet” said that I better show my wound to a doctor quickly – before it gets infected – so – I came here on my scooter…”

“You should have called the ambulance. Could you ride your scooter properly…?”

“Sir, my left hand was paining a bit – but – I managed to drive the scooter…”

“A real “Tall Story”…” the Duty MO said, “anyway – you write down whatever you just said – sign it – and give it to me – so I can file the “medico-legal” report…”

I did as the Duty MO said – and – by the time I reached home – it was 3 AM.

Using the latch-key – I quietly entered our one room apartment on the 7^th floor.

My darling wife was fast asleep – oblivious of my arrival.

The cool air from the air-cooler was so soothing – that – within minutes – I fell asleep next to her.

Next morning – my wife seemed quite contrite:

“How is your hand…? I am sorry…”

“It is okay – my hand is okay…”

“Do you want to show it to the doctor…?” she asked.

Thanks to her deep sleep – it was evident that she did not know that I had gone to the Military Hospital at night.

Now – I only had to tell my neighbour and the “Vet” to keep quiet about the whole episode – and the matter would be forgotten.

But – Dear Reader – you know how vibrant the “grapevine” is – and – it is impossible to keep such “juicy” gossip under wraps.

Coincidentally – the Duty MO (Psychiatrist) who had treated me – he lived in Curzon Road Apartments too. 

And – next morning – he told the entire “husband biting” story to his wife – when they saw me playing with my dog in the lawns of Curzon Road Apartments from their balcony. 

The “husband biting” news spread like wildfire – with everyone adding their own spicy “masala”.

Wherever we went – everyone gave us canny looks. 

After all – we were a curious couple: 

“The “biting” Wife – and – the “bitten” Husband…” 

The ladies looked at my wife with admiration (secretly wishing they could “bite” their husbands too)

The men sniggered at me with ridicule (but inwardly scared that their wives may get emboldened to “bite” them too)

EPILOGUE

A few days later – my boss called me to his office.

He threw a file in front of me.

I opened the file.

On the right hand side was the “written statement” – on “The “biting” wife and the “bitten” husband” episode – it was the same statement that I had given to the Duty MO.

On the left hand side was a “noting sheet”.

I was flabbergasted.

The buggers had initiated a “medico-legal” case.

“Sir – what is all this…?” I asked my boss.

“Well – they want to know if you wish to file a complaint against your wife for “biting” you and causing you bodily injury…”

“Of course not – No Sir – I don’t wish to file any complaint – I want this whole embarrassing matter closed…”

“Okay – you write it down there on the noting sheet and give me the file…” my boss said.

After I had given the file back to my boss – my boss said to me:

“I have seen plenty of “wife beating” cases – but – this is the first time I am seeing a “husband biting” case….”

PS: 

Dear Reader – in case you meet me – please don’t ask me what caused the scar on my left hand – on my forearm – between my wrist and elbow…!!! 

VIKRAM KARVE

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© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

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This is a re-post of my story “LOVE” BITE written by me on 01 April 2017 and posted on this Academic and Creative Writing Journal blog and my other creative writing blogs at urls: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/04/love-bite-story-for-april-fools-day.html  and https://karve.wordpress.com/2017/04/01/love-bite-story-of-a-biting-wife-and-the-bitten-husband/ etc