Humor in Uniform – “Shore Based Mogul” versus “Man at Sea” – Tail Wags the Dog

Humor in Uniform 

A Hilarious “Memoir” from My Vizag Navy Days

“SHORE BASED MOGUL” versus “MAN AT SEA”

A Fictional Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE 

“SHORE BASED MOGUL” versus “MAN AT SEA”

During my long career in the Navy – I have observed that – at any given point of time – there are two types of appointments for individuals in Naval Uniform:

1. The “man at sea”

2. The “shore based mogul”

In theory – the “shore based mogul” is supposed to support the “man at sea”.

But – in practice – it is exactly the opposite that happens.

The hapless “man at sea” is hounded and dominated by the “shore based mogul”.

Of course – like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde – a Naval Officer has to undergo both types of appointments – afloat and ashore.

I have seen many a powerful “shore based mogul” reduced to a powerless “man at sea” – when he went for his sea appointment – and – vice versa.

The exceptions are some lucky individuals who never have to go to sea – like Officers in “landlubber branches” and Lady Naval Officers – who always remain powerful “shore based moguls”.

After slogging at sea – and a few “powerless” appointments ashore – one fine day – I suddenly realized that I had become a “shore based mogul” – when I was transferred to the mighty Naval Dockyard at Vizag (Visakhapatnam) on the Eastern Seaboard.

Actually – my department was a “post office”.

Ships raised various defects which they wanted us to repair – and – like a “post office” does – we stamped the forms.

Our “stamp” indicated how the job was to be done.

Now – let me tell you how my “post office” operated. 

“GOOD COP” and “BAD COP”

There were many sundry officers and staff in the department doing all sorts of work – but essentially – the whole show was run by two senior foremen – experienced veterans who had spent more than 30 years slogging in various departments of the dockyard.

One was a “good cop” – and the other was a “bad cop”.

If I wanted a job to be done – I would send it to the “good cop” – who would stamp the request accordingly.

If I did not want a job to be done – I would send the request to the “bad cop”.

“Bad Cop” had some interesting stamps in his drawer.

He would then use his ingenuity.

Let me give you a few illustrative examples (purely apocryphal):

He could stamp “SS” – which meant that “Ship’s Staff” is to do the job.

Quite a “Catch 22” case.

If ship’s staff could do the job – then why would they project it to the Dockyard in the first place.

(Of course – I am sure Navy “insiders” know the answer to that one)

Or – “Bad Cop” could stamp “SSRR” – which meant “ship’s staff remove and refit” 

This was like a “carry in” repair – where the ship’s sailors would remove the item – land it in the dockyard – collect it after repairs – and refit the item back into the ship.

This was okay for smaller items – which we had agreed to do – and were handled by the “good cop”.

But – when “bad cop” used the “SSRR” stamp with a wicked smile on his face – he did so for such items which it was impossible for the ship’s sailors to remove from the ship.

We once had a furious Engineer Officer who had been asked to remove his Main Engine and land it in the dockyard – thanks to the “SSRR” stamp the “bad cop” had stamped on the request.

“QUOTE AUTHORITY”

“Bad Cop” had many such interesting stamps – but the “Trump Card” in bad cop’s repertoire was the stamp: “QA”

“QA” meant “Quote Authority”

This “QA” stamp threw the ship’s staff into a tizzy.

No one knew who was this “authority” to be “quoted”.

If a confused ship officer landed up asking as to who was the “authority” to be “quoted” – our “bad cop” would say matter-of-factly: 

“Sir – how do I know who is the “authority” to be “quoted”...? If I knew – why would I ask you...?”

This system was running fine.

I believe in the cardinal principle of systems management: 

If a system is running fine – do not tamper with it 

So – I let the system run – and everyone in the department was happy.

One evening – I unexpectedly met an old shipmate in the swimming pool.

We had served together on a ship around 12 years ago – when I was doing my first sea appointment – and he was struggling for his sea watchkeeping ticket.

The Captain made him struggle so much – that the moment he got his watchkeeping ticket – he volunteered for Aviation to escape from the Surface Navy forever.

He was enjoying his Flying when the Navy decided to remind him that he was still in white uniform – and they appointed him as the Commanding Officer (CO) of a Surface Ship.

He was quite disgusted and he remarked to me: 

“You know what a tough time I had doing my watchkeeping. I am bloody clueless – but thankfully my officers seem to be quite clued up – and I have decided to leave everything to them. I hope that this sea tenure is over fast so that I can get back to my flying...”

I told him about myself – where all I had been transferred since those glorious Mumbai days.

“Hey – why don’t you come over for a glass of beer tomorrow...? I will tell them to make your favourite Asian Fried Rice for lunch...” he said.

“Okay...” I said, “I’ll be on board your ship at 12 noon.”

Next afternoon – we sat in the Captain’s Cabin sipping chilled Beer.

I observed that his cabin was in bad shape.

He must have noticed that I had noticed – because he said: 

“Look at this shabby cabin – everything seems to be dilapidated – and just imagine – this is supposed to be the Captain’s Cabin...” he complained.

I nodded.

“Hey – you are in the mighty Dockyard – can you do something...?” he said to me.

“Sure – I will try my best to do something...” I said.

When I returned to my office – I called “good cop” – and I mentioned it to him.

“Good Cop” smiled and said: 

“Sir, no problem – I will visit the ship – and see what is to be done. Then – we will get things moving on top priority. After all – he is your friend...”

My friend’s cabin was refurbished on top priority – and soon – his cabin was the best Captain’s Cabin in his squadron.

He was so happy – that he praised the dockyard effusively – mentioning me in particular – to his seniors in the fleet.

The good words carried – and this earned me words of appreciation from various quarters.

Now – in the same squadron there was a “hot-shot” CO.

He was commanding another ship in the same squadron as my friend. 

This “hot-shot” CO was a haughty pompous type who thought he was “cat’s whiskers”.

When this “hot-shot” CO visited my friend’s cabin – he was so impressed by the decor – that he too wanted his own Captain’s Cabin on his ship to be refurbished.

My friend told him to meet me.

Now – this “hot shot” CO was an officer roughly of my seniority.

But – he thought it below his dignity to come over and meet me.

After all – he was a prima donna Commanding Officer from the crème de la crème Executive Branch of the Navy. 

The “hot shot” CO thought that it was below his dignity to grovel before a “Lowly Technical Officer” like me.

So – he sent an official request asking that his cabin be refurbished.

I promptly forwarded this request to “bad cop”.

“Bad Cop” had a look at the request – he thought for a while – and then stamped it “QA”.

The “cat’s whiskers” “Hot Shot” CO was flabbergasted on seeing the “QA” stamp.

He promptly sent his second-in-command – the Executive Officer (XO) – to find out what “QA” meant.

I sent the XO to “bad cop”.

The “bad cop” patiently explained to the Ship’s XO that “QA” meant “Quote Authority”.

The XO asked the “bad cop”: 

“What does “authority” mean...? Who or what is the “authority” to be quoted...?”

In his typical style – our “bad cop” said matter-of-factly to the XO: 

“Sir – how do I know who is the “authority” to be “quoted”...? If I knew – why would I ask you...? Sir – I am a mere Foreman – you are a Senior Officer – so you must be knowing which “authority” is to be “quoted”...”

The XO went back to his ship and told the CO what had transpired. 

The XO advised the CO to meet me and discuss the matter with me personally.

The “Hot Shot” CO thundered at his XO: 

“I am a “Commanding Officer”. I don’t meet “small fry”. Get me an appointment with the General Manager (GM) of the Dockyard...” 

“BHAI BANDI” aka CAMARADERIE 

Next morning – the GM called me to his office.

The “hot shot” CO was sitting there.

I sat beside him – and – I looked at my GM across the table.

Then – I asked my GM: “Anything, Sir...?”

“He says you refused to refurbish his cabin...” the GM said to me.

“Sir – it is not an operational job. So I asked him to ‘Quote Authority’...” I said.

The GM looked at the “hot shot” CO.

Then – the GM said matter-of-factly to the puffed-up CO: 

“Okay. That’s it. You just ‘Quote Authority’ – and the job will be done.”

The “hot shot” CO complained vociferously: 

“But, Sir – he did the same job on another ship – he refurbished the Captain’s Cabin of Cdr XXX – who is the CO of my one of my squadron ships INS YYY…”

The GM looked at me and raised his eyebrow.

“Sir – that CO is a good friend of mine – he requested me personally – so I did the job on a “bhai-bandi” basis...” I said.

“I see...” the GM said.

Then – the GM looked at the “hot shot” CO – and – tongue-in-cheek – the GM said to the CO: 

“Well, you decide – the choice is yours – either you “Quote Authority” – or you see if you can get the job done on “bhai-bandi” basis...”

One hour later – there was an invitation from the “hot shot” CO – calling me over to his Ship for a glass of Beer in the Captain’s Cabin...!!!

MORAL OF THE STORY

The “man at sea” must always remember – that it is the “shore based moguls” who call the shots.

Many merchant mariners tell me this is true in the Merchant Navy as well.

Maybe – it is true of the Army and Air Force as well – where the so-called support “Services” dominate the fighting “Arms”.

“Defence Civilians” overshadow the Uniformed Military Personnel who they are supposed to support.

It is not akin to the tail wagging the dog...?

In theory – the “Dog” is supposed to Wag its “Tail” 

But – in practice – sometimes – the “Tail Wags the Dog”

Dear Reader: Tell me – haven’t you seen this universal phenomenon at many places and in many organisations as well...?

VIKRAM KARVE

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Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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This story was written be me Vikram Karve 4 years ago in 2013 and posted online earlier in my blogs including at urls: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/04/humor-in-uniform-shore-based-mogul.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/07/humor-in-uniform-quote-authority.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/10/humor-in-uniform-man-at-sea-vs-shore.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/05/humor-in-uniform-shore-based-mogul.html etc