Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: March 2017

Friday, March 31, 2017

Humor in Uniform – Navy “Placebo” for Seasickness

HUMOR IN UNIFORM

NAVY “GYAN”

A “Qualitative” Seasickness Test

PLACEBO FOR SEASICKNESS

I do not know whether there is a “seasickness test” now for Navy aspirants.

But – more than 41 years ago – way back in the 1970’s – after you cleared the Services Selection Board (SSB) – there was a comprehensive Medical Examination – but – I do not recall any test for “seasickness”.

The result of this was that – you came to know of your propensity to seasickness – only when you sailed out to sea for the first time after you joined the Navy.

And – if you were a terribly seasick type – it was quite late in the day – and so – many who could not bear their “seasickness” – they opted out of the Surface Navy – by “volunteering” for Submarines or Air Technical Branches.

I am sure that with advances in medical technology – there may be a quantitative “seasickness test” now.

But – here is a story about how I learnt about a qualitative “seasickness test” from a hardened sailor – what they call in the Navy – a tough “sea-dog”...

SEASICKNESS – PREVENTION AND CURE
“Qualitative” Seasickness Test
A Spoof

VIKRAM KARVE

As a young Naval Officer – in the 1970’s – the first month of my “sea time” was sheer bliss.

Our ship was berthed alongside in harbour at Bombay (now called Mumbai) for a “maintenance period”.

Every evening – we would imbibe a generous amount of the best Scotch Whisky in the ship’s wardroom – and then – we would go ashore to enjoy the delights that “maximum city” Bombay had to offer.

Suddenly – the fun time was all over – and – we were off to sea.

It was monsoon time.

The sea was rough.

And – as we headed out to sea – our ship – a frigate – started rolling and pitching quite furiously.

Many individuals – Officers and Sailors – started getting sea-sick.

The Ship’s Doctor had hit the bunk in the sickbay in anticipation of sailing.

Yes – he had disappeared below decks to the sickbay in harbour itself – the moment “Special Sea Dutymen” (SSD) had closed up for duty.

At “Both Watches” – after briefing the sailors regarding the exercises during the sailing programme – I told my Master Chief:

“This is my first sailing on this ship. In case I get “sea-sick” – you take charge.”

My Master Chief Petty Officer (MCPO) – a grizzled old “sea-dog” – who was arguably the senior-most sailor in our branch – and certainly – the senior-most sailor on board our ship – he said to me – matter-of-factly:

“Sir – you will not get “Sea-Sick”...”

“How do you know that I will not get “sea-sick”...? You have never seen me sailing on this ship. And – you don’t know anything about me...” I said to him.

“Sir – we know everything about you. The wardroom steward tells us that you drink almost half a bottle of Whisky every evening. And Sir – at last week’s party at Sailors’ Home – you drank us under the table. Sir – we saw that you drank almost a full bottle of Rum – and then – you walked back all the way to the ship as if nothing had happened. And then – in the morning – you were up at 6 o’clock for your morning run and PT. Sir – we know that you are a good drinker...” the MCPO said to me – with genuine admiration in his voice.

“But – what has my drinking got to do with “seasickness”...?” I asked.

“I don’t know the theory, Sir – but – in my long service – I have observed that heavy drinkers never get seasick...” he said.

As we sailed – and the sea got rougher – I observed that what the old “sea-dog” MCPO had said was absolutely true.

The weather was stormy – the sea was very rough – and – the ship was rolling, pitching and yawing quite violently.

Those with a propensity for seasickness – they started feeling seasick.

Ours was a non-airconditioned ship in which the Officers’ Cabin Flat reeked of the awfully nauseating smell of FFO (Furnace Fuel Oil) – which made the nausea even worse – and most of the officers were terribly sea-sick.

There was a terrible stench all over the ship – as officers and sailors were retching and vomiting due to seasickness.

Only a few officers remained unaffected.

I was one of the lucky ones who did not get sea-sick.

I realized that the Sea-Dog Master Chief Petty Officer was absolutely right.

The officers who did not get sea-sick were all heavy drinkers.

A few days later the Fleet Commander – a Rear Admiral – embarked on board our ship.

The Admiral was a towering figure – he was over six feet tall – and with his impressive beard – he had an imposing personality – like Lord Neptune.

As we sailed – the sea got quite rough – and – the ship started rolling and pitching quite a bit.

I was surprised to see this grand Admiral getting sea-sick.

Yes – believe it or not – the Admiral was a “seasick type”.

In fact – there was a bucket kept for the Admiral on the bridge – for him to vomit into – in case he felt too seasick and wanted to throw up.

You guessed right – the Admiral was a non-drinker – a strict teetotaller.

(I am sure that many Naval Officers would have guessed the name of the “redoubtable” Admiral)

Moral of the Story

So – Dear Reader – now you know why the “quintessential sailor” is always associated with a “Bottle of Rum” – Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle Of Rum...!!!

And – now you know how to carry out the “qualitative seasickness test” (at your own risk).

Whether the MCPO’s theory that hard-drinkers are less vulnerable to seasickness has has some scientific basis or not – or – is it is a mere “placebo” – well – I do not know.

But – that is what I saw in the Navy – heavy drinkers were less prone to seasickness as compared to teetotallers.

I dug deep into my photo albums – and – I pulled out this nostalgic picture taken in the 1970’s of the Master Chief Petty Officer (MCPO) who gave me this “Navy Gyan” on Seasickness.

I loved drinking with my sailors – it was the best way to assess the morale of my sailors.

So – instead of the customary boring “Divisional Officer’s Period” (DOP) on Wednesday afternoons on board ship – whenever we were in harbour – I conducted the “Divisional Officer’s Period” in the Sailors’ Home at Cooperage – and – during the DOP – liquor flowed freely – and – my sailors could open up and talk to me without inhibition – and – tell me their problems – if any.

In the picture below taken almost 40 years ago – in the 1970’s – you can see me with my sailors enjoying a “Divisional Officer’s Period” at Sailors’ Home.

As you can see from the bonhomie, casual dress and haircuts of the sailors – those were “laissez-faire” days in the Navy – especially in the Western Fleet – which was the premier sword arm of the Navy – and – the emphasis was on professionalism – not on “spit and polish” ceremonials.

Have a look at the photo below.

In the picture – I am sitting at the extreme left (with my lush beard – and – with my left hand raised – probably narrating a yarn or joke).

See the happy face of the sailor standing behind me – and – the rather curious smile on the face of the sailor sitting in the centre.

The Master Chief Petty Officer (MCPO) mentioned in the story is sitting to the extreme right – and – from the way he is laughing – he seems to be in a jolly mood – as we are drinking away and enjoying ourselves at the departmental booze-up session with my Sailors at Sailors’ Home at Cooperage in Mumbai.

“Divisional Officer’s Period” booze-up session with my Sailors at Sailors’ Home

Dear Reader:

Look at the picture above once again – and – tell me:

Isn’t the “high morale” of my sailors clearly visible...?

VIKRAM KARVE

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Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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How to “Survive” an Arranged Marriage

A “Love Marriage” happens due to the “Pull Factor”

You are “pulled” into “Love Marriage” due to “mutual attraction”.

In contrast – “Arranged Marriage” happens due to the “Push Factor”

You are “pushed” into “Arranged Marriage” due to many factors – internal and external.

External Factors that “push” you into “Arranged Marriage” may include parental pressure, peer pressure, social pressure etc.

Internal Factors that “push” you into “Arranged Marriage” may include “anuptaphobia” (fear of remaining unmarried) or security/safety fears etc.

A “Love Marriage” is more likely to be a happy marriage – since the partners are attracted to each other – and – they love each other – and so – they don’t have to work on their marriage to make it a success – their “mutual attraction” which has pulled them together is likely to make their marriage blossom into a natural relationship of love.

In contrast – an “Arranged Marriage” has to be “endured” – especially if the partners are mutually incompatible.

In such conditions – how do you “survive” an arranged marriage...?

How do you have an “enduring” arranged marriage...?

Dear Reader:

Here is an article I wrote last year – in May 2016 – on the eve of our 34^th wedding anniversary – as we entered the 35^th year of our marital life...

(10 months have passed since I wrote this article – and – our marriage still “endures”)

AN “ENDURING” MARRIAGE

Musings on the Eve of My Wedding Anniversary

VIKRAM KARVE

We – my wife and I – we got married on 30 May 1982.

Tomorrow – on 30 May 2016 – we complete 34 years of married life – and – we enter the 35^th year of our marital life.

Ours was an arranged marriage.

There was no “love” involved.

We are certainly not a “made for each other” couple.

In fact – we were – and we still are – a terribly incompatible couple.

Many married couples describe their marriages with superlative adjectives.

I once heard a young couple describe their marriage as “awesome”.

Ours is certainly not an “awesome” marriage.

I have married only once – and – therefore – I do not have the extensive experience of many marriages – and – hence – I am not an “Authority” on the subject of “Marriage”.

I do not know whether our marriage is a “happy” marriage.

I am quite happy with my “Better Half”.

But – I do not know whether my “Better Half” is happy with me.

Maybe my wife prefers to continue living with me for “administrative convenience” – since I am quite efficient at managing various domestic matters.

Since our marriage has lasted for so long – it may be best to describe our marriage as a “Durable” Marriage – or – better still – you can call our marriage an “Enduring Marriage” – since we have “endured” each other for 34 years.

I am not going to give my wife a “gift” on the occasion of our 34^th wedding anniversary – and – neither is my wife going to give me any “gift”.

It will be business as usual – my wife will go to work – and – I will attend to my “househusband” duties.

Since tomorrow – the 30^th of May 2016 – is a Monday – my “Better Half” will be “fasting” – so – I may march down to the Sweet Shop and get her some permitted “fast food” like “Malai Barfi” or some “Chena Mithai”.

Since ours is a rather “prosaic” marriage – it is not mandatory for us to indulge in “niceties” like giving each other gifts – or – celebrating occasions like birthdays and anniversaries.

We are not going to say “I love you” to each other.

A love marriage entails mutual obligation to make a show of “love” to each other – but – since ours is not a “love” marriage – we are not obligated to make a show of “love” to each other.

We do not indulge in “lovey-dovey” Public Displays of Affection (PDA).

By the way – I once knew a “PDA Couple” who just couldn’t get their hands off each other.

The “passionate” manner in which they would express their love to each other – even in full public view – was most embarrassing for “prudes” like us.

A few years later – I was aghast to learn the “lovey-dovey” marriage of the “PDA Couple” had ended in a bitter divorce.

(I have mentioned the story of the “PDA Couple” in my blog post on “Public Display of Affection” – and – I shall post the story once more in my blog for your perusal)

Coming back to our marriage – we – my wife and I – we do not say “I Love You” at the end of phone conversations

We just “tolerate” each other – and – we continue to co-exist together.

It is like a dog and a cat living together under one roof – they learn to “endure” each other.

If you have lived in a boarding school dormitory, a college hostel or on a Navy Ship – it is easy – since you are accustomed to getting used to whoever is assigned as your room-mate or cabin-mate.

(In “love marriage” you choose your “life mate” – but – in “arranged marriage” you have no such choice – and – have to adjust with whoever is “assigned” to you).

Of course – I have seen some “arranged marriage” couples who later “fall in love” with each other – and – become “soul-mates” – but sadly – we don’t happen to be in that category.

However – 34 years of “much married” relationship has made us quite comfortable with each other – and – yes – we can be totally ourselves with each other without any “masks”.

With my “Better Half” – I can be myself – and – vice versa.

So – we will just wish each other “Happy Wedding Anniversary” – and we will “Bash on Regardless”.

INCOMPATIBLE COUPLE

A few days before our marriage – in mid-May 1982 – I took my “fiancée” on a bike to IAT Pune to personally invite my Navy friends for our wedding on the 30^th of May 1982.

After delivering our wedding invitation cards – we were treated to lunch at the home of one of my closest friends who had also been my shipmate.

He had got married a few months earlier – and – since I was a frequent visitor to their home for food and drink – his wife knew me quite closely – and – she was well aware of my wild hard-drinking ways and love for non-vegetarian food – especially sea-food.

Accordingly – she had cooked chicken and fish dishes – and – she had not bothered to make a vegetarian dish.

So – she was astonished when she learnt that my “fiancée” was a “pure vegetarian”.

She hurriedly cooked a pure vegetarian dish – and – while she and my “fiancée” were in the kitchen – she observed my “would-be-wife” closely.

Afterwards – she commented to her husband that our marriage would not last for even 10 days.

My friend landed up on our 10^th wedding anniversary with a bottle of champagne – and – his wife had to eat her words.

But – what the lady had said did have a ring of truth in it.

My wife and I am indeed an incongruous couple – we are poles apart in all aspects.

We have huge differences of opinion on almost all matters – we fight a lot – we criticize each other – we shout at each other – we never hide our feelings especially when we don’t like something – and – we call a spade a spade.

Like I told you – we do not indulge in lovey-dovey Public Displays of Affection (PDA)

We do not say “I Love You” when we end phone conversations.

We don’t indulge in “niceties” like giving each other gifts or celebrating occasions like birthdays and anniversaries.

Ours may be a rather volatile and “loveless” relationship.

But – there is nothing “fake” about our relationship.

Maybe – since we are not in “love” with each other – we do not have to “fake” emotional feelings towards each other.

So – we do not waste our emotional and material resources trying to “please” each other.

We try to live one day at a time.

Or – to put it another way – we make our marriage “survive” one day at a time.

In these modern times when even passionate “love marriages” break up and end in divorce – why is it – that our rather prosaic marriage has stood the test of time…?

I really don’t know the reason why.

Maybe – a “No Expectations – No Disappointments” relationship results in a durable marriage.

PS:

I once heard a “marriage counselor” advise a “clingy couple” that they must give each other “space” in their relationship.

Ha Ha Ha – in our marriage – there is plenty of “space” – a truly “spacious” relationship…!!! LOL

VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.