Humor in Uniform – Jaundice Phobia

Hilarious Memories of my Delightful Navy Days

It is raining heavily today.

As I watched the rains from my window – I remembered this “memoir” from my wonderful Navy Days – this story happened in Mumbai during the rainy season more than 38 years ago in the 1970’s... 

JAUNDICE

A Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE 

THE “JAUNDICED” NAVY

Sometime in the late 1970’s – there was an outbreak of jaundice in Mumbai (then known as Bombay).

Jaundice is quite a debilitating disease.

The rampant spread of Jaundice started badly affecting the Navy.

Soon – this outbreak of Jaundice assumed almost epidemic proportions.

Large numbers of Naval Officers and Sailors on ships were getting afflicted by the dreaded disease Jaundice.

Special “Jaundice Wards” were opened in the Naval Hospital.

Some ships were down to half-strength.

The Navy had become “Jaundiced” – nice and proper.

WHY SAILORS WERE SCARED OF JAUNDICE

A bout of Jaundice meant at least two or three weeks in Hospital till your Bilirubin levels came down.

This was followed by a month of sick leave at home – then back to hospital for downgrading of medical fitness level – and re-categorization of medical category.

And – finally – the worst consequence of jaundice – “NO ALCOHOL” for at least 6 months.

More than the illness due to jaundice – this fear of total abstinence – the prospect of having to spend 6 months without a drop of alcohol after a bout of jaundice – was most scary for sailors.

This fear resulted in a drinking spree.

Everyone was mortified of getting jaundice – especially the hard drinking lovers of Bacchus.

Today – it may seem laughable – but in those morbid days – the thinking was – if you cannot drink alcohol after you get jaundice – you might as well “top up” before you got jaundice.

So – on ships – every Naval Officer was downing peg after peg – consuming enormous amounts of alcohol every evening – as if it was the last day of his life.

It was the same with sailors – who were drinking away to glory in Sailors’ Home.

It was the last opportunity to drink to your heart’s content – till the dreaded scourge of jaundice got hold of you in its clutches.

So – you could see Ships’ Wardrooms full of Officers on Drinking Binges till they passed out dead drunk.

And – Sailors were drinking away in Sailors’ Home – till they fell into drunken stupor.

Everyone was drinking away as if it was their last drinking day – before they were struck down by jaundice and carted away to hospital – followed by many months of ban on alcohol. 

The biggest joke that was most of these heavy drinkers did not get affected by jaundice – but they landed up becoming “alcohol dependent” instead.

The “powers-that-be” panicked at the increasing number of jaundice cases heading for hospitalization every day and the consequent depletion of crew on ships.

Force levels were rapidly falling in the “Jaundiced Navy”.

It was a precarious situation – and if this jaundice induced exodus continued – there would be no officers and sailors left to man the ships.

So – it was decided to take some drastic measures.

The first anti-jaundice measure was the promulgation of “Jaundice Orders”.

JAUNDICE ORDERS

The “powers-that-be” thought that the reason for this jaundice epidemic was because Naval Officers and Sailors were eating unhygienic jaundice-infected food outside in Mumbai City when they went ashore on liberty.

So – Two “Jaundice Orders” were promulgated:

1. All Food Joints/Restaurants/Eateries/Cafes in Mumbai were declared “out of bounds” for Navy Officers and Sailors.

2. Shore Leave (Liberty) would now be in Uniform till further orders.

(Yes – all Officers and Sailors had to wear White Uniform Dress No. 8A at all times – even when on liberty ashore in civilian areas)

The reason for Order No. 2 (on wearing uniforms in civilian areas) was to ensure that any defaulter Officer or Sailor entering a restaurant or eating outside was instantly spotted by the Navy Shore Patrol to be rounded up and put on charge.

Yes – in order to implement this preventive measure – special “jaundice shore patrols” were sent out on the streets of Mumbai – especially to those areas and food joints frequented by navy sailors.

JAUNDICE SHORE PATROL IN ACTION

On the very first day – a hilarious incident occurred involving the “jaundice shore patrol” from our ship .

The Fleet Commander personally spotted the shore patrol from our ship drinking sugarcane juice in resplendent full dress white uniform at a most unhygienic sugarcane juice stall right opposite the Naval Dockyard Lion Gate.

The culprits were promptly arrested by the Naval Police and handed over to the ship for necessary disciplinary action.

On being questioned – the shamefaced sailors pleaded that they had heard that “drinking sugarcane juice prevented jaundice”.

So – the shore patrol sailors had decided to fortify themselves with sugarcane juice before they headed for patrolling the jaundice-infected areas.

Since there was a severe shortage of sailors (with half the sailors admitted in hospital with jaundice) – the wayward shore patrol was not punished severely – but let off with a warning and awarded a few extra shore patrol duties as punishment.

The next evening – instead of sugarcane juice at the roadside stall – the shore patrol was found drinking Rum in the Sailors’ Home.

But then – the Sailors’ Home was not “out of bounds”.

Maybe – like us Officers – the “fear of jaundice” was driving them to drink alcohol to their heart’s content.

So – we looked the other way.

“BREAKING BOUNDS” TO EAT OUT – JAUNDICE AND “BANANA SPLIT” ICE CREAM

After a few days we officers were fed up of the wardroom food on board the ship.

So – we decided to venture out to enjoy the culinary delights the city of Mumbai had to offer.

Parading in uniform of the streets of Mumbai was unthinkable – so we adopted a simple modus operandi.

We carried a bag containing civilian clothes with us – and we smartly walked out of the Naval Dockyard Lion Gate wearing spotless white Navy uniform.

Then – we headed to the nearby Jehangir Art Gallery in Kalaghoda.

Here – we would enter the well-appointed washrooms – and change from uniform to civilian clothes.

Then – in our civilian clothes – hoping that shore patrols would not recognize us – we would venture out to enjoy the foodie delights that Mumbai had to offer.

On the way back we would change back from civilian clothes into uniform using the change-rooms at the Taj – or some suitable hotel – and return back to our ships smartly dressed in uniform.

One evening – after a movie at Eros – followed by a hearty meal at Gaylord in Churchgate – we were enjoying a stroll on Marine Drive.

After a refreshing stroll in the sea breeze on Marine Drive admiring the “flora and fauna” – we decided to end the day with some delicious Ice Cream at the Yankee Doodle Ice Cream Parlour.

Our plan was that – after enjoying our ice cream – we would use the change-rooms of the adjoining Natraj Hotel to change back into uniform – and then we would walk back in uniform to our ship.

My friends wanted to eat Ice Cream Cones.

I ordered the signature Ice Cream Dish of Yankee Doodle Ice Cream Parlour – the inimitable “Yankee Doodle Banana Split”.

“Yankee Doodle Banana Split” consisted of three huge scoops of of ice-cream (flavours of your choice) – which were placed on a sweetened split banana – and topped up with yummy fruits and nuts – and then embellished with sweet yummy creamy sauces.

This inimitable “Yankee Doodle Banana Split” ice cream was prepared at a special counter – and – it took some time to be assembled.

When my “Banana Split” ice cream was ready – I picked up the dish – and I looked around for my shipmates.

But – I could not see them anywhere.

Maybe – they were taking a walk on Marine Drive – licking their Ice Cream Cones – while watching pretty young things.

I decided to focus on my magnificent “Banana Split” Ice Cream.

As I was about to dig into my delicious looking Ice Cream – I noticed that – standing bang in front of me – was our redoubtable Captain.

At first – I was terrified.

I had been caught red-handed at an “out of bounds” place – and that too – wearing civilian clothes when I should have been in uniform.

I looked at my Captain.

He too was dressed in civilian clothes.

Then – I saw that he too was eating an Ice Cream – a Chocolate Sundae.

And – next to our Captain – stood his wife – relishing a Mixed Fruit Sundae Ice Cream.

I wished our Captain – and his wife – they smiled back.

We talked – but the conversation was strictly restricted to the topic of Ice Cream – and we discussed the various exotic Ice Cream flavours you got all over Mumbai.

On seeing the Captain – the other officers had disappeared into the darkness – and they surfaced only when the Captain and his wife had left Yankee Doodle Ice Cream Parlour.

They anxiously asked me if the Captain had seen them – and I assured them that he had not.

Next morning – when I saluted the Captain – he still had his formidable demeanor – but there was a slight twinkle in his eyes.

“JAUNDICE PHOBIA” CAUSES “ALCOHOL DEPENDENCE”

I do not know whether it is true or not – but someone told me later – that the outbreak of jaundice was due to contaminated drinking water (as a result of leaky sewage lines and cracked porous water pipes) – and it was not due to infected food – which was initially suspected to be the cause of the jaundice epidemic.

And yes – I was lucky not to get jaundice during that epidemic.

But – the jaundice epidemic had a curious side-effect on me. 

Thanks to the Jaundice Epidemic – like most officers and sailors – I too was overcome by “Jaundice Phobia”.

Yes – since the “fear of jaundice” had made me drink to my heart’s content – I ended up becoming “alcohol dependent” for sure. 

Ha Ha – like many other fellow Naval Officers of the Western Fleet who survived the dreadful “Jaundice Epidemic” – “Jaundice Phobia” – “Fear of Jaundice” – resulted in me drinking whisky or rum – “full to the gills” – every evening – and – this made me “Alcohol Dependent” for sure.

By the way – it took me 25 years to become “Temperate” again...!!! 

VIKRAM KARVE

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1. This story is a spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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This story is a revised version of my blog post BREAKING BOUNDS – JAUNDICE AND ICE CREAM posted in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve Blog on Sunday, January 12, 2014 - Posted by me Vikram Karve at 1/12/2014 11:58:00 PM at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/01/humor-in-uniform-breaking-bounds.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/03/humor-in-uniform-jaundiced-navy.html and   http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/03/how-i-became-alcohol-dependent-memories.html  and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/09/humor-in-uniform-jaundice-orders.html etc