Humor in Uniform – “English Vinglish”

A few days ago – I saw the hilarious spectacle of a lady forcing her small daughter to speak to in English.

The lady herself did not seem quite fluent in English,

Her smattering of malapropisms was quite amusing.

Yet – she insisted on speaking in English – and – she was forcing her daughter to speak in English too.

It seemed as if she were embarrassed to speak in her own mother tongue – despite the fact that she was fluent in her mother tongue – and all the persons she was conversing with – they all understood the vernacular language – which was her mother tongue.

This reminded me of an episode that happened long back – around 16 years ago – when I was in the Naval Dockyard at Mumbai. 

SUDDEN “DEATH” 

Story from My Delightful Navy Days

A Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE 

This story happened around 16 years ago – when I was in the Naval Dockyard Mumbai.

This a story of a “Dockyard Matey” – as we affectionately call Dockyard Workmen. 

“Dockyard Matey” is the traditional nickname for Non-Navy Civilian Personnel working in a Naval Dockyard. 

You will be surprised to know that the Navy probably has more civilian personnel than men in uniform – yes – there are a large number of “Naval Civilians” in dockyards, depots, repair yards, shore establishments etc 

In fact – most of the maintenance and logistics units of the Navy have a significant proportion of civilian personnel.

A large majority of the Naval Civilian Personnel work in the two premier Naval Dockyards which play the vital role in keeping warships and submarines in good repair – seaworthy and fighting fit. 

“Dockyard Mateys” are tradesmen – ranging from highly skilled/experienced technical experts right down to to semi-skilled/unskilled workers (the designation “unskilled” is a misnomer because even the USLs (Unskilled Labour) are highly proficient workmen). 

Except for a handful of Navy Sailors in a few departments – Naval Dockyards are staffed entirely by Civilian Personnel – but – Naval Dockyards are entirely managed by Uniformed Naval Officers.

Yes - the Admiral Superintendent, General Managers, Managers, Deputy Managers and Assistant Managers are Technical Officers of the Navy – and – for a Naval Officer of the Technical Branches – a Dockyard Appointment is considered a Prestigious “Criteria” Appointment. 

(I have served a total of 10 years of my long Navy career in both the premier Naval Dockyards in Mumbai and Vizag)

Whereas the Naval Fleets/Flotillas are the frontline afloat component of the Navy – the Naval Dockyards (which keep the Warships/Submarines in good repair and fighting fit) can be considered as the “frontline” shore-based component of the Navy.

Hey – I have digressed.

Now – let me get back to my story. 

The “Dockyard Matey” (Dockyard Worker) in the story was a USL (Unskilled Labour).

The beauty about him was that he took immense pride in speaking English.

He insisted on answering in English – even if someone spoke to him in Hindi or Marathi – which was his mother tongue.

He was cleaning my office one morning – when the phone rang.

So – the “Dockyard Matey” picked up the phone.

A Naval Officer from Delhi wanted to speak to me.

“He is no more...” the “Dockyard Matey” answered.

“He is no more...?” the Naval Officer from Delhi asked – stunned on hearing these words.

The Officer from Delhi was totally shocked and taken aback by the shocking news of my untimely and sudden “death”.

Still recovering from the shock – the Officer from Delhi commiserated with the “Dockyard Matey” – and – the Naval Officer said to the worker: “Oh – I really did not know that “he is no more” – I am very sorry to hear this...”

With these words of condolence – the Officer from Delhi disconnected the phone.

The “Dockyard Matey” felt good.

He felt proud that he had communicated superbly in English. 

In fact – he had matched the Naval Officer from Delhi – word for word – in the English Language.

After a few moments – the concerned Officer from Delhi rang up the General Manager (GM) of the Dockyard to enquire about me.

“He is sitting right in front of me...” the GM said.

The Officer from Delhi then told the GM about the phone call – that he had been told by someone in my office that I was “no more”.

“Oh – he has been transferred to another department...” the GM said, “he is no longer Manager XXX – he is now Manager YYY.”

We all had a good laugh.

The worker had said: “he is no more”.

What he meant to convey was: “he is no more here” (in this department).

He had just missed out one word: “here”  

And – the meaning had changed – and – I was “consigned” to the “Davy Jones’ Locker”.

Or – was it a “Freudian slip”...?

Not likely – since the “Dockyard Matey” – an innocent USL – was a really nice guy – who just wanted to show off his proficiency in the English Language.

It was just a case of “Effective” Communication.

So – next morning – I went back to my old office – and I gifted him a copy of the book: “Rapidex English Speaking Course”. 

PS: 

During my career in the Navy – I received immense love from my sailors – but – I have a special place in my heart for the “Dockyard Mateys” I worked with – and – I can never forget the genuine warmth and affection with which they cared for me and looked after me. 

By the way – even after retirement – I am still in touch with the “Dockyard Matey” in the story – and – yes – even now he speaks to me in English – in flawless English. 

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
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Disclaimer:

1. This story is a spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

 

This story was written by me Vikram Karve 16 years ago in the year 2000 and posted online by me a number of times in my various blogs including at urls: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/04/effective-communication.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/07/humor-in-uniform-freudian-slip-or.html  and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/11/humor-in-uniform-sudden-death.html