Why did you join the Navy…? : Humor in Uniform

Humor in Uniform

WHY DID YOU JOIN THE NAVY…?

A Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE

The moment we reported to Naval Academy (NAVAC) Cochin (Kochi) – we were asked the quintessential question: 

“Why did you join the Navy…?”

Most of us gave unimaginative stereotyped answers which everyone had heard before.

Acting Sub Lieutenant “M” was different.

He said: “I joined the Navy to drink.”

(Those days – the first Officer Rank in the Army/Navy/Air Force was Second Lieutenant (2^nd Lt)/Acting Sub Lieutenant (Ag Sub Lt)/Pilot Officer (P/O)respectively. In 2006 – thanks to the AVS Cadre Review Bonanza – this lowest officer rank was abolished – and Officers were commissioned as Lieutenants/Sub Lieutenants/Flying Officers in the Army/Navy/Air Force respectively – which were the ranks above the erstwhile “2^nd Lt”/“Ag Sub Lt”/“Pilot Officer” which were the lowest officer ranks earlier)

The Officer-in-charge and Staff Officers of NAVAC thought “M” was joking – but “M” was dead serious – he had indeed joined the Navy to drink.

We were “University Entry Officers”.

We were selected via the “University Entry Scheme” (UES) – an “Earn while you Learn” Recruitment Scheme – which was highly successful in attracting the best Engineering talent.

Under the UES – Navy Selection Teams visited premier Engineering Colleges/IITs/RECs (NITs) at the beginning of our pre-final year – and they interviewed and shortlisted candidates – who had to appear before a Services Selection Board (SSB) at Allahabad, Bhopal or Bangalore.

Those selected by the SSB and found medically fit were offered a commission as an Officer in the Navy from the beginning of the final year of Engineering.

So – we were Naval Officers drawing handsome pay during our final year of Engineering – owing to which we enjoyed great prestige and relative affluence as compared to our fellow student classmates.

On completion of our B. Tech. / BE courses – we joined the Naval Academy for Basic and Divisional (B&D) Training.

We had heard that “M” had taken his appointment letter (as an officer in the Indian Navy) to a Military Unit near his college and managed to get a Liquor Card from the Unit CSD Canteen which enabled him to enjoy his full “quota” of booze during his final year of Engineering.

Coming back to the Naval Academy – on our very first “liberty” a month later – while we headed for Movie Halls and Restaurants in Ernakulam – “M” rushed to nearest Bar to get gloriously drunk.

In fact – “M” enjoyed himself so much – downing peg after peg – to “cure” his “thirst” – that he passed out ‘dead drunk’ in the Bar.

Luckily for “M” – a ‘Good Samaritan’ saw his Navy ID Card – and he carried the blissfully ‘comatose’ “M” into his car – drove down to the Naval Base – and deposited “M” outside the OOD’s Office.

This episode resulted in some heavy “punishments” and “restrictions” for “M” – including cancellation of his ‘liberty’ (‘shore leave’ in Navy Jargon) till the end of the term – since the “powers-that-be” realized that “M” meant business – as far as his reason for joining the Navy was concerned.

However – “M” was not to be deterred from his aim – and – within a few days – he used his initiative to get access to booze.

As I told you – we were already Officers when we joined the Naval Academy (NAVAC) – and we were drawing full pay and allowances.

So – we dined in the Officers’ Wardroom – the Southern Naval Area (SNA) Wardroom Officers Mess.

[A few years later – SNA was upgraded to SNC (Southern Naval Command)]

Of course – since we were not allowed to wear stripes during training – we dined in a separate “Gun Room” – but – we were full-fledged members of the Wardroom Mess.

There were no “free” authorized rations those days – so – as officers – we paid for our food – unlike cadets – who dined in cadet dining halls in the Academy and got free food.

During Basic Training – we were not officially allowed to drink liquor – but we were permitted to smoke – and we bought our cigarettes at the Wardroom Bar by signing chits – since we were full-fledged members of the Wardroom Mess.

On working day evenings – we dined in “Red Sea Rig” uniform.

On Weekends/Sundays/Holidays – we were permitted to wear “civvies”.

One Sunday evening – while we were buying cigarettes at the Bar – “M” asked the steward for a Large Peg of Rum – and – with confident flourish – “M” signed a chit for the Rum.

The steward served “M” a Large Peg of Rum.

It was as simple as that.

From then on – every evening – “M” would sneak out from his cabin during the pre-dinner “Study Hour” – and head for the Bar for his daily quota – and then join us for dinner in the “Gun Room”.

Once our Basic Training was over – and we passed out of the Naval Academy – we could officially drink all the liquor we wanted to – especially top class “duty free” foreign liquor on ships – and for “M” – this was the bonanza for which he had joined the Navy.

EPILOGUE

“M” enjoyed his bachelor days “soaked in alcohol” – imbibing all the booze he could lay his hands on.

For “M” – it was the happiest time of his life – and the Navy was the best thing that had happened to him.

Sadly – one day – “M” got married – and he got a “tough cookie” wife – who cracked down heavily on his drinking.

In fact – his redoubtable wife banned alcohol in the house – and she kept an “eagle eye” on her husband at parties – so “M” would surreptitiously gulp a quick “down the hatch” peg of Rum whenever he got an opportunity – followed by some cardamom (Elaichi) to mask the smell of alcohol.

A few years later – “M” landed up for an advanced specialization course at IAT Pune – where I was his instructor.

Every evening – “M” would tell his wife that he wanted to “clear some doubts” about the subject I was teaching him – and he would land up my house.

Of course – there were no “doubts” he wanted cleared.

“M” would have 3 quick pegs of Rum at my place – and then head home.

When his wife questioned him on his “happy” state – “M” would plead that I was his instructor – so how could he refuse my generous offer of a drink.

M’s wife blamed me for “spoiling” her husband – and – one day – she had her revenge.

On Holi evening – when I was taking a long evening walk to sober up from the boisterous morning celebrations – M’s wife waved out to me and called me to her lawn.

(“M” was probably sleeping inside – he had “passed out” in the morning after surreptitiously downing huge amounts of a deadly cocktail of Rum and Beer – his wife had permitted him one bottle of Beer as a special case for the occasion).

M’s wife looked charmingly at me – and she said that she would give me something to cure my hangover.

After some time – M’s wife emerged from kitchen – and – with an innocent smile – she served me a glass of Khus “Sherbet”.

What I did not know was that M’s wife had laced the cool green Khus “Sherbet” with a heavy dose of “Bhang”.

She had slipped me a potent “Mickey Finn” – and I naively drank the “Bhang” spiked cool drink.

What happened thereafter…?

Well – that is another story…

VIKRAM KARVE

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Disclaimer:

1. This is a spoof, satire, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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