Humor in Uniform – MEMORIES OF MY “BABU IN UNIFORM” DAYS

HUMOR IN UNIFORM

MEMORIES OF MY “BABU IN UNIFORM” DAYS

Unforgettable Characters I Met in the Navy

A Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE

THE STORY OF THE CRAZY COMMODORE WHO WANTED TO “CONTROL” MY THOUGHTS

(apocryphal story by Vikram Karve)

After slogging for 5 years in the Navy, afloat and ashore, I was “selected” to undergo the 2 year M. Tech. course at IIT Delhi.

On completion of my post graduation (M.Tech.) – I was posted to the military “babudom” in Delhi – what we in the Navy jokingly referred to as the landlocked “Northern Naval Command”.

Though ostensibly it was an R&D billet (in consonance with my recently acquired M.Tech. qualification) – in actual fact – I was a pen-pusher – a “Babu in uniform”.

One afternoon, while I was elbow-bending in the bar of our Navy Wardroom – I met an ex-shipmate of mine, who was a few years senior to me.

We sat down to drink and talk about the good old days on the ship.

He told me that he was recently posted to Delhi and was looking after Training.

I told him about my M. Tech. and that I was posted to R&D.

“Hey, you are an intellectual type – why don’t you do a management course? We will fund you – at least your tuition fees,” he said.

I was clueless.

He told me about the new “Learn while you Earn” scheme to motivate naval officers to learn new things and acquire qualifications in their spare time – in the evenings and on holidays – in off-working hours.

“Come tomorrow to my office,” he said, “I’ll give you the application form and explain the details. Basically, all you have to do is to take admission to a part time evening course and we will reimburse your tuition fees once you qualify. Also, all efforts will be made to keep you in station till you complete the course.”

“That’s great,” I said, “I want to do a course in management.”

“Good. Come to my office tomorrow and I will tell you about all the good management courses in Delhi,” he said.

Next morning, while I sat his office, he gave me a form and said, “I spoke to your appointer in DOP – he said that they were going to keep you here in Delhi for 3 years, so I suggest you apply for a proper evening course – I have tick marked the course in the form – now all you have to do is to get the signature of your boss and give me the form and I’ll give you approval in principle and permission to the give the entrance test. Once you qualify the entrance test and clear the interview and are selected for admission to the course, we will give you the proper sanction letter.”

I duly filled up the form – and placed it before my boss for his signature.

My boss, a Commodore, was not impressed.

He said disinterestedly: “What management course? There is no need for you to do a management course. You better concentrate on your work here.”

“Sir – the classes are in the evening – after working hours,” I said.

“I know all that. These civilian courses are of no use. You are a permanent commission officer and you know that you can’t leave the navy. So you better focus on your career. Let me tell you frankly – in the Navy, qualifications do not matter – how you perform in your job is all that matters. I am not recommending your application. Just go to your office – and get on with your job,” my boss said firmly, handing me back my application form.

“Sir – what’s the harm in learning new things? After all – even the Navy wants us to learn – that is why they must have started this ‘learn while you earn scheme’. Please Sir – I want to do this management course,” I persisted.

“Stop giving me bullshit,” my boss shouted, “I know what’s good for you. I don’t want my officers wasting their time and efforts doing management courses. There is plenty of work here. So just forget about this management course and focus on your job.”

I felt terribly disappointed. 

I had never expected my boss to have such a negative anti-intellectual attitude. 

In fact – I had thought that he would encourage me to do the management course.

I walked across to my ex-shipmate’s office in Training and told him the story.

“Leave the form here,” he said, “I will speak to my Director and try to do something.”

In the afternoon – I got a call on the intercom.

It was the Admiral’s Staff Officer: “Come fast. The Admiral wants to see you.”

“The Admiral wants to see me?” I asked, surprised.

The moment I reached the Admiral’s Office, the Staff Officer said: “Go right in. He is waiting for you. And – by the way – your boss has just gone inside and he seems to be furious.”

Before I could react, the Staff Officer ushered me in.

The Admiral was reading a file.

My boss was sitting opposite him.

On seeing me – my boss gave me a threatening look.

“Good Morning, Sir,” I said, looking at the Admiral.

The Admiral looked up.

I saluted the Admiral.

He did not ask me to sit down but got straight to the point, “What’s all this crap about this bloody management course?”

Before I could answer my boss, the Commodore, interrupted, “Don’t you worry, Sir – I will see to it that this officer is severely punished.”

“Punished? For what?” the Admiral asked, looking a bit bemused.

“Sir, he has bypassed the chain of command – instead of following the proper channel – he has gone over my head directly to you,” my boss said.

“He hasn’t come directly to me. DNT spoke to me and sent over this form,” the Admiral said, tossing my application form on the table towards my boss.

My boss picked up the form – but he did not say anything.

Looking at the Commodore, the Admiral said: “What’s wrong with you...? Why don’t you want to recommend the bugger for the management course...? It will be better he spends his evenings sitting in a classroom learning something – instead of boozing away in the bloody bar – which he seems to be doing every evening...”

“Sir, I don’t want my officers wasting their time doing these management courses,” my boss said.

“Waste of time? I thought all that management stuff that the bugger learns may help him do his job better. That’s what the DNT thinks anyway,” the Admiral said.

“Sir, his work will be affected. He will refuse to work late – he will refuse to go on temporary duty…” my boss said.

“Will you?” the Admiral looked up and addressed me.

“No, Sir. I will do all my duties sincerely. I have to do all my duties, Sir – it is an evening course, subject to exigencies of service…” I said.

“That’s right,” the Admiral said; then he looked at my boss and asked him, “any problem?”

“Sir, he will keep studying in working hours,” my boss said.

“Will you?” the Admiral asked me.

“No, Sir. I will not bring any books to the office. I will study in my spare time at home,” I said.

“Sir, he will keep going to the library…” my boss interrupted.

“Please, Sir – I will not go to the library in working hours – even if I want to draw a book – I will do so in lunchtime…” I pleaded.

“Sir – I don’t want him to do the management course. His work will be affected...” my boss persisted.

“But how...? How the hell will his work be affected...?” the Admiral asked, a bit incredulous.

“Sir – he will be always thinking ‘management thoughts’...” my boss said.

“What? ‘Management thoughts’...?” the Admiral said, looking quite bewildered.

“Yes Sir – he will be always thinking ‘management thoughts’...” my boss repeated.

The Admiral looked at my boss and asked him: “What the hell do you mean by that?”

“Sir – his brain will be full of thoughts about what he is learning in the management course – and he will always be thinking these ‘management thoughts’ even during working hours,” my boss said.

“May I say something, Sir?” I asked the Admiral.

“Go ahead,” the Admiral said to me.

“Admiral Sir – how can he control my brain...? Can he prevent me from thinking ‘erotic thoughts’ in working hours?” I said, pointing to my boss.

“That’s enough,” the Admiral said, trying to suppress a smile.

My boss was looking at me angrily.

The Admiral looked at my boss.

My boss – the Commodore – remained silent.

So – the Admiral said to the Commodore:

“Tell me – in the office – isn’t it better that the bugger thinks ‘management thoughts’ – rather than think  ‘horny erotic thoughts’...?”

My boss promptly signed the form and gave it to me.

My anti-intellectual boss did try his best to create hurdles and make it difficult for me – but I succeeded in completing the management course with flying colours.

VIKRAM KARVE

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Disclaimer:

1. This is a spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

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Abridged and Updated Extract of my article THE CRAZY COMMODORE WITH A PHOBIA FOR “MANAGEMENT THOUGHTS” written by me Vikram Karve on 19 November 2013 and posted online in my various blogs including in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Posted by Vikram Karve at 11/19/2013 12:31:00 PM at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/11/humor-in-uniform-crazy-commodore-with.html  and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/03/humor-in-uniform-thought-control.html