DATING and RELATIONSHIPS – HOW TO CREATE A “GOOD” FIRST IMPRESSION

DATING and RELATIONSHIPS – HOW TO CREATE A “GOOD” FIRST IMPRESSION

Contrarian Wisdom

A Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE

MATRIMONIAL DATE – The “KANDE POHE” Program

Let me tell you an “apocryphal” story.

This happened more than 33 years ago – in March 1982 – in Pune.

A girl came to see a boy (for an arranged marriage “matrimonial date”).

The girl was accompanied by her mother.

The girl’s father – a Brigadier – was serving in a field area – so he was not present in Pune.

Normally – in Maharashtra – the boy goes to the girl’s home – for the customary “kande pohe” program.

But – in this case – the boy had requested the girl to come over to his rather simple and Spartan home.

It was around 10 in the morning – the boy was alone at home – as the boy’s mother had gone for work.

The boy (a Naval Officer) had come to Pune on a week’s leave for “girl seeing” for arranged marriage.

Since the boy was not one of those refined “metrosexuals” – he had not “decked up” for the occasion – but he was dressed in a simple cotton white kurta-pyjama – and he was enjoying a smoke and reading a book – while waiting for the girl to arrive.

The girl and her mother arrived at 10:30.

“You are late,” the boy remarked – and he asked the girl and her mother to sit down.

The boy served Tea (which he had prepared himself).

Then – the boy lit a cigarette – and he said to the girl: “Let me tell you a bit about myself. As you can see – I smoke a lot. I drink regularly too – around 6 large pegs of Rum daily – that is about half a bottle of Rum every evening. My career prospects in the Navy are not very bright – I am certainly not ‘Admiral Material’. You are a ‘SODA’ – your father is a big shot in the Army – so you may be used to the comforts and facilities of Army life – but in the Navy – you get nothing – no batman (sahayak), no transport, no proper housing, no facilities – and – as you can see – I am not a rich man – I just have a scooter – and I do not think I will be able to afford a car on the paltry salary we get in the Navy – so – you will have to rough it out in some temporary makeshift shanty-like accommodation like a dilapidated barrack – and you will have to do all the housework yourself…”

“You don’t get a house in the Navy…?” the girl asked.

“You do – but there is a huge shortage of married accommodation – and the waiting period is 2 years – so by the time we get a proper house – it will be time for my transfer – and it is the same story in every new place – so you must be prepared for a nomadic existence shifting from one temporary accommodation to another…”

“What is ‘SODA’…?” the girl asked.

“SODA means ‘Senior Officers’ Daughters’ Association’ – your Dad is a Brigadier – so you are a SODA,” the boy said, “but let me tell you one thing – I am an honest, straightforward and outspoken officer – and so – your chances of becoming a member of SOWA are pretty bleak…”

“SOWA – ‘Senior Officers’ Wives’ Association’…!” the girl said.

The boy was happy to see that the girl was intelligent – so – the boy said to the girl: “You are very intelligent – and highly qualified – and all your good qualities are listed in your matrimonial profile – but I want to know one thing – and I want an honest answer...”

“What…?” the girl asked.

“What are your faults…? Tell me about your bad qualities and your weaknesses…” the boy asked.

“I cannot cook…” the girl began opening up.

But – the girl’s mother gave her a stern look – and the girl stopped speaking.

Observing the situation – the boy said to the girl, “Never mind – we will discuss all that in detail when we meet tomorrow…”

“We are meeting tomorrow…?” the girl asked, surprised.

“Why not…? After all – we are getting married – and I am here for a week – so we can go out together a few times – and we can get to know each other better…” the boy said, extinguishing his finished cigarette – and lighting up another cigarette.

The girl’s mother was getting increasingly uncomfortable at the way the matrimonial interview was going – so she asked the boy: “You have a big beard – I hope you are going to shave it off when you get married…”

The boy looked at the girl’s mother – and he said to the middle-aged woman, “How does it matter to you whether I keep a beard or not...? Are you going to marry me…? Or is your daughter going to marry me…? But since you have asked – the answer is ‘NO’ – I am not going to shave off my beard – I like my beard – and a beard is the sign of a true Naval Officer – so I am going to keep my beard even after marriage – forever…”

The boy looked at the girl – and he said to her: “See – I told you that I drink like a fish – I smoke like a chimney – and that I have no future in the navy – very poor career prospects – and about the poor quality of life in the navy – but you just told me one thing – that you do not know how to cook – please tell me more about your other faults…”

The girl was about to speak – but before the girl could say anything – the girl’s mother suddenly interrupted: “We have to go somewhere...”

And so – the girl’s mother brought the ‘matrimonial interview’ to an abrupt end.

In the evening – the girl’s mother made a ‘trunk-call’ to her Brigadier husband – and she said: “What a terrible boy? He is himself saying that he drinks half a bottle of Rum every day – he smokes – and ….”

The girl’s mother told her husband everything.

“The boy said all that…?” the Brigadier asked.

“Yes – the boy has not given us even one reason why we should get our daughter married to him...” the the girl’s mother said to her husband.

“Maybe that is the very reason why we should get our daughter married to him,” the astute Brigadier said.

The Brigadier met the boy – and he liked him – and so – the girl and boy got married.

The girl was expecting the worst.

But after marriage – the girl noticed the following ‘improvements’ in the boy:

1. Her Naval Officer husband did not drink 6 pegs of Rum every evening – he drank around 3 or 4 pegs daily – and he drank more than 3 pegs very rarely – at parties or with friends – when he drank 6 pegs or more.

2. He did not smoke much too – in fact – he smoked very few cigarettes – he preferred smoking his pipe.

3. She had been expecting to stay in a “jhuggi-jhopri” – but first they lived in the officers’ mess for some time – and then they shifted to quite a decent furnished apartment – though small – the apartment was modern, comfortable, convenient – and located in the prime area of the city.

The girl realised that though her Naval Officer husband was not an “angel” by any standards – her husband was not all that bad – as she had imagined.

Much later – when she had given up all hope – her husband suddenly gave up drinking and smoking in just one day.

This happened 20 years after her marriage – and she had never imagined that her husband would give up alcohol and tobacco forever.

Of course – her husband has still not shaved off his majestic beard – but then she has got used to it now – after 33 years of married life.

After reading this “fairy-tale” – some persons may think that this is a true story – and they may even “recognize” some of the characters in this story – but let me emphasize that this is an apocryphal story – the characters do not exist and are purely imaginary – and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

What is important – is the MORAL OF THE STORY :

You must have heard the saying: “First Impression is the Best Impression”

But I say: “Worst Impression is the Best Impression”

If you give your best impression during your first meeting with someone – then you have to live up to the image you have created.

On the other hand – if you give your worst impression during your first meeting – then there is always scope for improvement.

There are 3 aspects to your personality:

1. “Best Side”

2. “Worst Side”

3. Shades of grey in between

Which side would you put forward at your first meeting with your prospective partner...?

Obviously – you will try and portray your “Best Side” to create a good first impression – isn’t it...?

SCOPE FOR IMPROVEMENT

You were taught to put your best foot forward at the matrimonial interview as per the “First Impression is the Best Impression” theory when you meet your prospective partner for the first time.

At your very first meeting – if you put your best foot forward and try and impress someone with your “Best Side” – you have projected your best image – and thus you have ‘...no scope for improvement...’

In fact – you will get all stressed out keeping up appearances trying to live up to the hyped-up expectations you have created in the other person.

And – slowly – the “veneer” will start peeling off – and the goody-goody façade will crumble.

“BEST” FIRST IMPRESSIONS CAN BE MISLEADING

You read the story above – where the boy projected his “Worst Side” to his prospective bride at the very first matrimonial meeting.

I know a story where exactly the opposite happened.

There was a girl from a civilian academic background (her parents were university professors).

They lived in a town where there was a large cantonment nearby.

Most of her schoolmates and friends were daughters of Army officers – and the girl was enamored by Army social life.

The girl got a proposal from a Naval Officer.

The girl was under the impression that the life of a Navy Wife was the same as the good life of an Army “Memsahib” – which she had observed in the peacetime cantonment.

The Navy boy came to meet the girl.

Believing in the “First Impression is the Best Impression” dictum – the boy showed his “Best Side” – and he “boasted” a bit about himself – he painted a rosy picture of Navy life – instead of telling her the ground reality.

All this created a glorified image – and raised high expectations in the newlywed girl.

But – after their honeymoon – when they reached Vizag – everything came crashing down.

The boy sailed off on his ship – leaving the girl to fend for herself – all alone – in their “B Type” hired house – at the other end of town – far away from the Naval Base.

Feeling totally isolated – the girl went into a depression – and summoned her parents – who came rushing to Vizag – to help their daughter settle down and cope with harsh reality.

As their marriage progressed – the “first impression” – that the boy had created by showing his “Best Side” – started to collapse.

Yes – this rosy first impression started to slowly crumble away – as his negative qualities began to emerge.

After many years of marriage – the girl still feels that the boy “cheated” her by portraying a goody-goody false impression of himself – and painted a hyped rosy image of Navy life.

USING THE “WORST FIRST IMPRESSION” MANTRA IN YOUR CAREER

My hypothesis of “Worst First Impression” worked in my Navy Career too.

I was posted as faculty in a prestigious inter-service training establishment.

My boss was a Commodore from a landlubber branch – who had never met me before.

However – my “spoken reputation” had somehow reached him via the grapevine.

For a month or so – I noticed that the Commodore was quite wary of me – he treated me coldly – and he kept me at arm’s length.

Then – one evening – at a party – when the Commodore was feeling quite happy after a few drinks – he sidled up to me – and he said to me: “Actually – I have realized that you are quite a good officer…”

Taken aback – I said to him: “Come on, Sir – of course – I am a good officer – why did you think otherwise…?”

“I had heard so many wicked things about you – that you are a difficult officer – that you are a troublemaker etc – but I actually find you to be so good…” the Commodore said – and later – his wife told me that I was his favourite officer – and he trusted me the most among all officers.

“FIRST DATE” MANTRA

“Worst Impression is the Best Impression”

So – Dear Reader – whenever you meet someone for the first time – for matchmaking – for dating – at the workplace – for any long term relationship – beware of the dictum: “First Impression is the Best Impression”.

Do not get too carried away trying to make the “best impression” – since you may find it difficult to live up to such a ‘perfect’ image in later life.

When you meet someone for the first time – never try to “impress” anyone – just be your natural self – in fact – show a bit of your darker side – so that there is always “scope for improvement” later.

And – for those of you who are going in for an “arranged marriage” – when you meet your “prospective spouse” for the first time – the first question you must ask your “would be spouse” is: “Tell me about your weaknesses and your faults…”

Remember: “Worst Impression is the Best Impression”.

There is always “scope for improvement” if you project your “worst” impression

But there is no “scope for improvement” if you project your “best” impression 

In fact – if you try to project your best impression right in the beginning of a relationship – you will be under constant pressure to live up to the “perfect” image you have created – and this pressure can be stressful.

As the relationship progresses – your partner will start discovering your imperfections – and the mismatch – between the goody-goody image you projected – and what you actually are in real life – will cause stress and distrust in your relationship.

However – if you project your “worst” side at the very first meeting – as I said – there is always “scope for improvement”

As your relationship progresses – your partner will realize that you are not all that bad as you had projected – and your marital relationship will improve.

During your first meeting – you must encourage your “would be spouse” to tell you about their faults, frailties and imperfections – to reveal their “worst” side – so that you do not face marital disappointments and surprises from your spouse later on in your married life.

Also – projecting the “worst impression” will also to give your spouse plenty of “scope for improvement”.

Of course – Love Marriages are better than Arranged Marriages.

But – Arranged Marriages have one plus point. 

In an “arranged marriage” – the marital relationship keeps improving as the marriage matures over the years – whereas the opposite can happen in a “love marriage”. 

And – a long durable marriage gives you that “much married” feeling. 

So – if you want to create a “good” impression and have a long term durable relationship – remember the saying: 

“Worst Impression is the Best Impression”

VIKRAM KARVE

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Disclaimer:

1. This story is a spoof, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. This mantra worked for me, but may not work for you, so please do your own due diligence in your own life, relationships and career 

3. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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Revised and Abridged Version of My Article HOW TO IMPRESS PEOPLE Posted Online by me Vikram Karve earlier in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Blog on March 20, 2015 at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/03/how-to-impress-people.html and url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/05/arranged-marriage-guide-first-meeting.html