Humor in Uniform – THE MYSTERY OF MILITARY MEDICAL CATEGORY

HUMOR IN UNIFORM

MILITARY MEDICAL CATEGORY MYSTERY

A Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE

MILITARY MEDICAL CATEGORY MYSTERY – A Spoof by Vikram Karve

During my long service in the Navy – I “enhanced” a lot of things.

I enhanced my academic qualifications.

I enhanced my knowledge.

I enhanced my expertise.

I enhanced my world-view.

I enhanced my personality

And – I even enhanced my physical attributes.

But – the one thing I could not enhance was my “medical category”.

When I joined the Navy as an Officer – my Medical Category was S1A1

And when I retired from the Navy – 34 years later – my Medical Category was still S1A1

I could not achieve even a small incremental enhancement in my Medical Category – even temporarily.

Not even for one moment could I achieve a slightly “higher” Medical Category like S2A1 or S2A2 – forget about achieving greater heights like S3A3 S4A4 or S5A5

Throughout my entire Naval career – my Medical Category remained consistently constant at the “lowest” S1A1

The only time I was hospitalized – towards the end of my career – was for Malaria – and I thought they would “enhance” my Medical Category – to S2A2 – maybe to S3A2 – or even to S3A3 – or even higher.

But nothing happened.

After a couple of days – when my Malaria began to abate – and just I was beginning to enjoy my stay in hospital – they suddenly discharged me – and threw me out of the hospital – straight back to work – as they were short of beds due the sudden arrival of a few “serious” cases.

And – while discharging me unceremoniously from hospital – the Navy Doctors did not even have the courtesy or decency to enhance my Medical Category.

So – I remained in my lifelong “lowly” and unimpressive Medical Category of S1A1

Yes – I remained a lowly S1A1 from “womb to tomb” (to put it metaphorically).

Well – if there is a Navy Doctor reading this – maybe he will be able to explain the significance of medical categories ranging from S1A1 to S5A5 – with all permutations and combinations like S2A1 S2A2 S3A2 etc etc

Since the Army likes to do things differently – so they have named their medical categories from SHAPE1, SHAPE2, SHAPE3, SHAPE4 and SHAPE5 – and there are even more possibilities for permutations and combinations like S1H2A3P4E5 etc etc to make it all the more confusing for Army Officers who are most confused anyway.

Now – this Medical Category called SHAPE has nothing to do with the “shape” of your body – as is evident from the fact that you will see many “out of shape” Pongos in Medical Category SHAPE1.

Will some “Fauji” Doctor be good enough to tell us all about “SHAPE” – and enlighten us on why some SHAPE 1 “Faujis” look so much “out of shape” 

In the Air Force they call their medical categories A1G1 A2G2 …. A5G5.

It is all very confusing and puzzling to me.

“Fauji” Military Doctors keep changing the colour of their uniforms – like chameleons – as they “flit and frolic” about – between the Army, Navy and Air Force.

Basically – all “Fauji” doctors are the same – and all of them belong to the Army Medical Corps (AMC).

I have not understood one things.

The 3 Services – Army Navy and Air Force have the same AMC Doctors.

Then – why does each Service have its own style of Medical Categories – “SHAPE” for the Army – “S1A1 S2A2...” etc for the Navy – and “A1G1 A2G2...” etc for the Air Force...?

The three services have the same doctors – but different medical categories.

Is this one more feather in the cap of “jointmanship”...?

ADVANTAGES OF “ENHANCING” YOUR MEDICAL CATEGORY

“Enhancing” your medical category gives you a lot of advantages – like it did to my friend “D”.

“D” was a master at malingering.

An ex-NDA officer – on the very first day of our training – “D” was missing from morning Physical Training (PT).

When questioned about his absence from PT by the Senior-Under-Training-Officer (SUTO) – “D” answered triumphantly: “I am a medical category.”

(In colloquial Naval parlance – this meant that “D” had an “enhanced” medical category).

During his entire training period – his “medical category” was his all powerful universal “trump card” to be excused from any painful activity that “D” wanted to avoid – like PT, games, divisions, drill, parades, cross country runs, route marches, outward bound camps etc.

Even Senior Officers were wary of “D” because of his “enhanced” medical category – and they avoided bullshitting him – lest he drop dead or have a fit or something serious happen him – and they be blamed for it.

The biggest mystery was none of us knew what was wrong with him – no one knew for what “disease” “D” had got the medical category – from where he had got his medical category – and what exactly was his medical category.

Maybe he had managed to “enhance” his medical category at the previous training ship or unit – or maybe in NDA – or maybe even before that at the SSB – or maybe “D” was born with a medical category.

“D” looked perfectly healthy – and whenever we asked him about his medical category – he told us not to be too inquisitive.

In fact – I once suspected whether he had an “enhanced” medical category at all – but then – the way he flaunted it around – I thought that there must be some truth in it.

Of course – his “enhanced” medical category did not prevent “D” from drinking copious amounts of booze and eating all types of food to his heart’s content every afternoon and evening – or generally enjoying himself to the hilt – and having a jolly good ball of a time.

His medical category did not prevent him from getting promoted – and “D” got nominated for all the good training courses.

And – of course – he got the best of ships – and no hardship appointments – thanks to his “enhanced” medical category.

Inspired by “D” – I tried my best to “enhance” my medical category – but I could not succeed – and throughout my long Navy career – I remained at the rock-bottom medical category S1A1

Once – during my Annual Medical Examination (AME) – a Navy Doctor said that I was overweight – and I thought he was going to “enhance” my medical category.

But he did not do so.

He sent me in a spin – he made me do all sorts of medical tests – he got me examined by all sorts of specialists – and then – the wise Navy Doctor delivered his final verdict: “Officer is Asymptomatic. He has been advised to reduce weight. Officer is fit in Medical Category S1A1”

I was back to “Square 1”.

I have not understood the “military medical category mystery”

Have you?

(Disclaimer: I am totally clueless on the subject of “military medical categories” – so if you have any queries – please contact your nearest “Fauji” Doctor)

VIKRAM KARVE

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Disclaimer:

1. This story is a spoof, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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This Spoof was written by me Vikram Karve more than one year ago on 16 June 2014 and earlier Posted Online by me Vikram Karve in myAcademic and Creative Writing Journal blog at url link: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/06/humor-in-uniform-medical-category-enigma.html