Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: February 2013

Thursday, February 28, 2013

HOW TO RUIN YOUR MARRIED LIFE

HOW TO RUIN YOUR MARRIED LIFE

Musings

VIKRAM KARVE

THE STORY OF A HAPPILY MARRIED COUPLE WHO “SACRIFICED” MARITAL BLISS FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN

H and W were a happily married couple with two children – a daughter and a son.

H had a transferable job and W was a homemaker.

Every two years, H would be transferred to anywhere in the length and breadth of India, and the family would pack its bags and relocate.

The children would keep changing schools.

When his daughter was in the 8^th and his son in the 6^th, H was posted to Pune and he put his children in the best school in town.

Two years later, when his daughter entered the 10^th class (and his son began his 8^th), H was transferred to a remote place in the “up-country”.

Their daughter was doing very well in her studies, her school was first-rate, and the ambitious mother did not want to shift her to some mediocre school in a moffusil town in a backward state, especially in her 10^th class, at the end of which were the all-important board exams.

The husband agreed that it was much better if the daughter’s education was not disrupted at this stage and it would be much better if she gave her board exams in Pune.

So, H left his family behind in Pune and went alone to his new place of posting and started living there as a “married bachelor”.

This proved to be a wise move.

His daughter topped the Board Exams and secured a top place in the merit list.

She got admission to the best college in Pune.

His daughter wanted to study medicine and become a doctor.

So it was decided that during her 11^th and 12^th she would simultaneously prepare for various medical entrance examinations for which there were excellent coaching classes in Pune.

H wanted to put his daughter in a hostel and move with his wife and son to his place of posting in the upcountry.

But his wife refused point blank and the wife W said to her husband H:

“After comparing with the other children I have seen how our children’s studies suffered due to our frequent moves and relocation due to your transferable job. Yes, their studies are suffering due to your frequent transfers.

It is a very competitive world and I want to be here with my daughter to look after her and motivate her and supervise her studies for the medical entrance test which is very tough. Our daughter requires my personal attention so she can focus on her studies.

Besides our son is now in his 8^thstandard.

His teachers say he is a potential IIT candidate.

I want him to complete his schooling here in Pune and not in some godforsaken place.

I must stay here in Pune for the sake of our children’s education.

This frequent relocation puts our children at a great disadvantage as compared to their classmates who remain in the same school.

I want them to have stability.

I want the best for them – there are so many facilities for education here in Pune.

If you can manage it, you try for a transfer to Pune, otherwise you keep on moving wherever they send you but I will stay with the children here in Pune.”

The wife W convinced husband H to take a loan and buy a house in Pune, which he did.

His wife even asked him to quit his job, which he did not.

He did not quit his job because he was doing very well in his career and there was no scope for him to get a comparable job in Pune in his field of specialization. Plus, he had the home loan EMIs to pay off too.

And so, for the sake of their children, they sacrificed their married life and gave up their conjugal happiness and started a “long distance marriage” as “married bachelors”.

Both their children did brilliantly.

The daughter got into a top medical college, topped the list, was awarded a scholarship for higher studies abroad and soon was flourishing in America along with her doctor husband.

The son got into the best IIT and then was off to the USA for higher studies, got an excellent well-paying job over there, and soon he got married and he too settled down in America.

Now all this took quite a few years.

Meanwhile H took solace in drinking to get over his loneliness at those remote places and, by the time he retired, had almost become an alcoholic.

I have seen that once a man gets used to the joys of married life, it becomes difficult for him to live alone without his wife.

He feels starved of connubial companionship.

So he either strays and seeks comfort in the arms of strangers.

Or he tries to drown his frustrations in alcohol.

H loved his wife and children.

He did not want to jeopardize his marriage by being unfaithful and having an extra marital affair.

So he took the second option of drowning his loneliness in alcohol.

He increasingly began to seek solace for his lonesomeness in alcohol and his drinking increased day by day and gradually his dependence on alcohol became so much that he began slipping into the abyss of alcoholism.

One day, in view of his drinking problem and increasing alcohol dependence, H was politely asked to put in his papers and go home with his pension.

His life did not improve once he retired and came back to his wife.

Like the first story of my friend I narrated in the beginning, H realized that his wife W spent long durations of time, sometimes many months, doing “nanny” duties for their daughter and son in America, as baby after baby after baby was born, to her daughter and daughter-in-law.

She went to America quite frequently and would be away for months together, leaving H all alone in India.

Now, after retirement, with nothing to do, H felt even more lonely when his wife went away, so he started drinking even more.

He did try going abroad with his wife but found out that he was not welcome to stay for extended durations at either his daughter’s or his son’s place, especially because of his love for Bacchus as his heavy drinking had made him quite an embarrassment.

As far as his children were concerned, their mother W was indispensable because she did the useful nanny duties, cooking and housework whereas their father H was redundant since he hung around whole day doing nothing useful and because of his drinking he was becoming quite a nuisance.

So the children wanted their mother W to stay but they wanted their father H to go away.

It was a strange irony – it was his wife and children who were the root cause of his drinking problem and it was they who were rejecting him for the same thing!

So H stayed in India whereas his wife W would shuttle between India and America and, in fact, would spend more time with both her children in America.

One day, disgusted with her husband’s drinking, his wife W decided to permanently relocate to America to her son’s place.

The son and his wife were delighted – they both worked long hours, they had three small children (a girl and boy twins) and they were finding it difficult to manage the three kids.

Now they had a “nanny” as well as a full time “maid”.

In due course, the husband H drank himself to death.

A few years later, when W grew old and became quite weak and frail.

Now she was not of much use to her son or daughter since their children had grown up.

Besides she was becoming a “liability” because of her old age.

So the children sent their mother W to spend the rest of her life in a “retirement community” – an euphemism for an “old age home”.

A sad end to the story of a happily married couple who sacrificed marital bliss for the sake of their children.

First the forlorn dejected husband drank himself to death.

Then the wife spent the rest of her lonely life in an old age home, abandoned by the very children for whom she had abandoned her husband and sacrificed her marriage.

MORAL OF THE STORY

Your kids do not come first. Your marriage comes first.

Children are the best thing that happens in a marriage.

But, sometimes, if your priorities are not right, your children can also ruin your marriage.

You must never neglect your spouse for the sake of your children.

Your priorities must be right - if there is a spouse versus children dilemma - always remember that your spouse comes first.

VIKRAM KARVE

Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

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About Vikram Karve

A creative person with a zest for life, Vikram Karve is a retired Naval Officer turned full time writer. Educated at IIT Delhi, IIT (BHU) Varanasi, The Lawrence School Lovedale and Bishops School Pune, Vikram has published two books: COCKTAIL a collection of fiction short stories about relationships (2011) and APPETITE FOR A STROLL a book of Foodie Adventures (2008) and is currently working on his novel and a book of vignettes and short fiction. An avid blogger, he has written a number of fiction short stories, creative non-fiction articles on a variety of topics including food, travel, philosophy, academics, technology, management, health, pet parenting, teaching stories and self help in magazines and published a large number of professional research papers in journals and edited in-house journals for many years, before the advent of blogging. Vikram has taught at a University as a Professor for 15 years and now teaches as a visiting faculty and devotes most of his time to creative writing. Vikram Karve lives in Pune India with his family and muse - his pet dog Sherry with whom he takes long walks thinking creative thoughts.

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PET DOG TYPES

PET DOG TYPES

Watch Dog Guard Dog Lap Dog - Which One Do You Want ?

VIKRAM KARVE

Basically, a Pet Dog can be a Watch Dog, a Guard Dog or a Lap Dog

Yes, there are three basic types of pet dogs:

1. a WATCH DOG

2. a GUARD DOG

3. a LAP DOG

WATCH DOG

A WATCH DOG will bark first and may or may not bite or attack.

Even if the dog attacks the intruder it will do so after giving adequate warning by barking so that the intruder has a chance to back off.

The job of a Watch Dog is to bark and raise an alarm when a stranger enters your house or property.

In fact, even many small breeds make great watch dogs.

GUARD DOG

A GUARD DOG will attack the intruder immediately.

Good Guard Dogs bite first and ask questions later.

The job of a Guard Dog is to look intimidating and act in a ferocious manner and be ready to protect his family and territory if the need arises by attacking any trespassers.

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WATCH DOGS AND GUARD DOGS

Both Guard Dogs and Watch Dogs bark to alert their owners of an intruder’s presence and scare away the intruder.

The Watch Dog’s job ends here.

But the Guard Dog is capable of attacking the intruder should he trespass.

A Guard Dog means business and will attack and bite trespassers.

Some breeds are excellent Watch Dogs but not good Guard Dogs.

This is because they bark loudly to alert their masters of intruders but are not aggressive in nature and are not given to assertive behavior.

Watch Dogs will Bark but they will hesitate to attack and bite when required to do so.

Guard Dogs protect by attacking and biting intruders whenever required.

That is why Guard Dogs must look tough and menacing and be ferocious in nature and they must not hesitate to attack a trespasser.

Watch Dogs must raise an alarm and frighten off the trespasser.

Even small but attentive dogs may function well as Watch Dogs.

LAP DOG

A LAP DOG is an adoring pet who would gladly spend the entire day in his owners lap.

Lap Dogs are cuddly and affectionate.

Many dog owners who pine for love prefer to have a Lap Dog.

So which type of pet dog do you want - a guard dog, a watch dog or a lap dog?

Remember, when you select a puppy, take care that you select the right breed for the type of dog you want, for the cute puppy may actually turn into a ferocious dog.

ALL IN ONE DOG

I prefer the all-in-one dog which performs all three roles - the robust tough INDIAN HOUND (aka Mongrel or Stray Dog).

If you want a hardy dog it is best to adopt a rescued puppy, immunize it, keep it clean, train it properly and care for it well.

I assure you that this all-in-one Indian Hound will prove a better pet than most of the high falutin foreign breeds.

You can take my word for it - Here is a picture of my all-in-one pet girl Sherry

Sherry on Guard Duty

VIKRAM KARVE

Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

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A HOUSE IN DECCAN GYMKHANA - Blog Fiction Story 1

BLOG FICTION SERIES by VIKRAM KARVE

Story No. 1

A HOUSE IN DECCAN GYMKHANA

Short Story

Blog Fiction

VIKRAM KARVE

“My wife wants a house in Deccan Gymkhana,” Shekhar said.

“Are you crazy?” I said.

“Why?”

“No one sells a house in Deccan Gymkhana. There are no houses for sale in Deccan Gymkhana.”

“There is one.”

“How do you know?”

“My wife found out.”

“And what is the cost?”

He told me the price of the house in Deccan Gymkhana. It was even more than what I had expected.

“Tell me, where are you going to get the money to pay for this house in Deccan Gymkhana?” I asked.

“I will take a loan,” he said.

“A loan? Who is going to give you such a big loan? And even if they do, can you afford it? The bloody EMI will be more than the salary we earn here.”

“I know. That’s why I am quitting this job.”

“Are you mad to quit such a good government job? Where will you get such a safe, secure, stress-free, comfortable job with so many perks and benefits?”

“But I won’t be able to buy the house in Deccan Gymkhana.”

“Why are you so obsessed about buying a house in Deccan Gymkhana? What’s wrong with this place?”

“My wife says that this place is too middle-class – she wants to live in a posh locality.”

“But she has lived her full childhood and her entire life right here in this very peth.”

“Yes. That’s why she is fed up of this place and does not want to spend the rest of her life living a lowbrow existence over here. She wants a high-class standard of living.”

“Oh. So what do you intend to do?”

He showed me the job offer letter.

“Are you crazy? This is a war ravaged country,” I said.

“That’s why they are paying so much. Look at the figure,” he said.

Yes, the salary was indeed substantial, very substantial, and with this kind of money he could easily afford the EMI for the house in Deccan Gymkhana.

“Hey, all this is fine, but you are newly married. This is a 3 year contract. And you won’t be able to take your wife over there. I hope your wife is ready to stay all alone.”

“Of course she is. She is the one who found out about this job. In fact she told me that I should even work overtime and encash the one month’s leave and LTA I get every year and come back straight after 3 years. Then we will have so much money that we will able to live comfortably for the rest of our lives. Here, look at the pay, the incentives, the allowances, the bonus, the perks …” he said pointing to the job offer letter.

He was right. The pay packet was very generous – in fact I had not seen such an attractive salary package before. With this kind of money he could easily afford the house in Deccan Gymkhana – after just 3 years he would be able to pay off his loan and still have so much money to spare that he could just live off the interest. But then money earns more money, and I was sure that with so much money and an astute wife egging him on, he would go places. Maybe he would start a business, maybe …

“Hey, what are you thinking…?” Shekhar said, interrupting my train of thoughts.

“Nothing,” I said.

“So?”

“Your wife is right. You must take this job.”

“And buy the house in Deccan Gymkhana.”

“Of course, that goes without saying,” I said.

And so, my friend Shekhar took up the lucrative foreign assignment.

But before he left, he shifted his wife into their plush newly bought house in the posh locality of Deccan Gymkhana.

Shekhar’s wife was overjoyed. She personally got the interiors done to her liking in a very classy manner. Every time I met her she seemed happier and happier. She truly flourished. She had realized her dreams of living in a house in Deccan Gymkhana and the glow of joy showed on her.

Shekhar would ring up once in a while.

He was happy because his wife was happy.

I knew Shekhar was living a tough and dangerous life. From time to time I saw news reports on TV about incidents of violence in the desolate strife-torn land where he was posted and I was worried about his safety. But he always seemed to be full of cheer, maybe by the very thought that he had made his wife so happy.

One day my worst fears came true.

Shekhar was killed in cross-fire during a skirmish when rebels attacked the project where he was working.

I thought his wife would be devastated. But she coped with this enormous tragedy with remarkable courage and composure.

At least financially, she was not that badly off. Shekhar’s company had insured their employees heavily and with the huge amount of insurance money she received, Shekhar’s wife could pay off the remaining home loan besides invest in a monthly income scheme which would ensure her a decent income for her entire life.

A few months later I married Shekhar’s widow.

I now live in a house in Deccan Gymkhana.

VIKRAM KARVE

Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

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Wednesday, February 27, 2013

RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT - RETURN ON EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT (ROEI)

RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT

RETURN ON EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT (ROEI)

VIKRAM KARVE

Are you a result oriented person?

Yes?

Are you obsessed with the “return” you get on your “investments”?

Now I am talking about your investment in relationships - your emotional investments, rather than your money and material investments.

Do you expect a Return on Investment (ROI)?

If your answer is yes, then why don’t you try to adopt a philosophical approach to life.

Here is a saying from Lao-tzu from Tao Te Ching:

Fill your bowl to the brim and it will spill.

Keep sharpening your knife and it will blunt.

Chase after money and security and your heart will never unclench.

Care about other people's approval and you will be their prisoner.

Do your work, then step back.

The only path to serenity.

--Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching, ch. 9

Yes, that is the key - Do your work, then step back.

Or better still, let Chapter 2 Verse 47 of The Bhagavad Gita be your guide:

karmany evadhikarass te maphalesu kadachana ma karma-phala-hetur bur ma te sango stv akarmani

(Seek to perform your duty; but lay not claim to its fruits. You have a right to perform your prescribed action, but you are not entitled to the fruits of your action. Never consider yourself the cause of the results your activities, but neither should you avoid doing your duty).

So that’s the moral of the story: Always do your best without expecting results and you will be happy.

In today’s materialistic world, when you invest your money you expect a return on your investment (ROI).

Some persons apply this ROI theory to other domains of their lives as well.

For example, they feel that if they invest in a relationship, especially marriage, they must get returns (ROI).

As far as any relationship is concerned, especially marriage, it is best to adopt the following philosophy: No Expectations, No Disappointments, Happy Marriage.

Apply this philosophy in your career, work life too - Do your job to the best of your ability and then step back and forget about results, rewards etc - have no expectation, expect no “return” and you will not be disappointed.

So, Dear Reader, forget about Quid Pro Quo.

Just do what you want to do and step back.

Do not expect anything in return.

Just do something for the sake of doing that something – do it because you want to do it, do it because you enjoy doing it, and forget about the results.

Remember, if you have no expectations you will have no disappointments.

VIKRAM KARVE

Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

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