Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: June 2018

Why My Wife Never Praises Me

My Wife never has a good word for me.

Surely – I am not saying that I am an “angel” – a perfect husband.

But – neither am I that terrible a husband.

Surely – I have at least one good quality – or – surely – I have done at least one good deed in my entire life.

But - my wife has never ever praised me even once in our more than 36 years of married life.

The reason – my wife suffers from “Praisophobia”

Dear Reader: Do you also suffer from “Praisophobia”...?

Do you know what is “Praisophobia”...?

Let me delve into my “HUMOR IN MARRIAGE” Archives – and post for you an updated and abridged version of an article I wrote more than 5 years ago in March 2013 on “Praisophobia”...

PRAISOPHOBIA

A Funny “PHOBIA”

(Not to be confused with “Prosophobia” – which means the “fear of progress”)

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

VIKRAM KARVE

PRAISOPHOBIA – MEANING AND DEFINITION

I have coined a new term – “PRAISOPHOBIA”

“Praisophobia” is the “FEAR OF PRAISE”.

“Praisophobia” is the fear that if you praise someone – then that person’s behaviour may change for the worse

You fear that if you praise something – then something adverse may happen

(“Praisophobia” is not to be confused with “Prosophobia” which means “Fear of Progress”)

PRAISOPHOBIA IN ACTION

Let me give you an example of PRAISOPHOBIA.

30 years ago – if you asked my wife what was the worst thing she did not like about me – she would unhesitatingly say that she hated my drinking and smoking habits.

In fact – my wife particularly disliked my love for drinking alcohol.

Yes – I must confess that I indeed loved to drink alcohol.

I had my first drink after I joined the Navy in the 1970’s.

I started enjoying drinking alcohol in earnest on my first ship – where the wardroom bar was well stocked with the choicest varieties of alcoholic beverages – wines, spirits, liquors, liqueurs, beers etc

You name it – and the drink was available.

Those days drinking was quite affordable – since the booze was duty-free on Navy warships.

And – along with drinking – we started smoking too.

The main incentive for smoking was the attraction of the best imported brands of cigarettes – which we got at duty-free rates on Navy Ships.

I sampled and tasted all the types of choicest liquor available in the ship’s bar.

After experiencing all varieties and types of alcoholic drinks – I discovered that I liked two brands of liquor:

1. A Blended Scotch Whisky called Chivas Regal (which I drank in on board warships in the Ships’ Wardrooms)

and

2. An Indian Dark Rum called Hercules XXX Rum (which I drank ashore in Navy Wardrooms and Military Officers’ Messes and Clubs).

We did not get duty-free liquor ashore.

And – after developing a taste for Scotch Whisky – I found the Indian Whiskies of those days quite raw, coarse and rough for my palate.

In contrast – Indian Dark Rum was probably the best in the world – and famous brands Indian Rum like Hercules, Sea Pirate and Old Monk were particularly good and mellow.

Hey – I am digressing – so let me get to the point.

As I told you – my wife hated my drinking.

In contrast – I loved drinking so much that I used to eagerly wait for sunset – so that I could pour my first peg of the day.

As a rule I avoided drinking in daytime – since I did not enjoy it.

I drank quite regularly – almost every day – and – I am sure my wife was very worried that I may become alcohol dependent or even an alcoholic.

My wife religiously fasted on Mondays – and – I am sure she prayed to God that I should stop drinking alcohol.

Probably – my regular drinking was the biggest problem in her married life.

Then – all of a sudden – one day – I stopped drinking and smoking.

Yes – I quit drinking alcohol forever.

On the same day – I also quit smoking forever.

This happened around 16 years ago in the year 2002 – and since then – I have remained a teetotaller and non-smoker.

I thought that my wife would be delighted that I had stopped drinking and smoking.

Yes – I thought that my wife would be filled with joy that her prayers had been answered.

I expected that my wife would be happy and grateful that her alcohol loving husband had turned a new leaf and was living a life of temperance and sobriety.

In fact – I thought that she would be full of praise for me.

However – since the day I quit drinking – my wife has never praised me even once for having the resolve and willpower to free myself from the clutches of alcohol – which I loved so dearly.

In my opinion – for an alcohol lover like me to have quit drinking permanently was a commendable act deserving of the highest praise – especially from my wife who hated my drinking habit.

Yet – my wife has never uttered a word of praise for my good deed – either in private or in public.

Yes – in all these 16 years since I quit drinking and smoking – my wife has never praised me for having given up drinking and smoking.

The reason – PRAISOPHOBIA

My wife is afraid of the “consequences of praise”.

My wife feels that if she praises me – then I may start drinking and smoking again.

So Dear Reader:

The moral of the story is this:

If you do a praiseworthy deed and someone does not praise you – then please do not get disappointed – and do not think that those persons are unappreciative.

Maybe that person suffers from “Praisophobia”.

Think about it.

Do you suffer from Praisophobia...?

Is your spouse afflicted by Praisophobia...?

Or – do you know someone who is Praisophobic...?

Have you observed “Praisophobia”?

Do tell us of your experiences with “Praisophobia” and other such crazy phobias you have come across in your life.

Remember – if someone does not praise you for a good deed – just ask that person:

“Do you suffer from PRAISOPHOBIA...?”

VIKRAM KARVE

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Disclaimer:

1. This article is a spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Updated Version of my Article written by me Vikram Karve in March 2013 on PRAISOPHOBIA and Earlier Posted Online by me Vikram Karve in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Blog at 3/14/2013 11:01:00 AM at urls: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/03/praisophobia.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/12/praisophobia-fear-of-praise-humor-in.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/11/praisophobia-weird-phobia.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/07/humor-in-marriage-praisophobia-why-my.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2016/07/praisophobia-fear-of-praise.html etc

Humor in Uniform

Military Officers are often stereotyped into quintessental archetypes some of which are portrayed in Movies – and – of course – you must be aware of the legendary “Colonel Blimp” and “Captain Haddock” etc

But – when you join the Armed Forces – you realize that there are all sorts of Officers with different personalities.

Among Defence Officers – there are many unique characters – each with his own idiosyncrasy.

This is especially so in the Navy – since – Naval Officers are a cut above the rest.

An interesting category I discovered were “Businessmen” in Uniform

Here are some hilarious encounters with “Businessmen” in Uniform who I met during my Navy days...

“BUSINESSMEN” IN UNIFORM

A Fictional Spoof

VIKRAM KARVE

Part 1 – “SATTA BAZAAR”

This happened around 42 years ago – in the 1970’s.

Six of us “piddly” Sub Lieutenants from various ships sat in front of a chubby Commander in Western Naval Command (WNC) Headquarters at Mumbai (then called Bombay).

Those days – the WNC Headquarters was located in a civilian building in Fort area of Mumbai.

We had been “detailed” for some “bum jobs” connected with Navy Week – and – the podgy Commander was briefing us.

The portly Commander was from the erstwhile Supply and Secretariat (S&S) Branch (now called Logistics Branch).

The roly-poly Commander was a Senior Staff Officer in the WNC Headquarters.

Suddenly – the phone on the table rang – and – the Commander picked it up.

I saw him listening intently on the phone – he only listened – he didn’t speak a word.

I don’t know what the Commander heard on the phone – but whatever he heard on the phone – it suddenly galvanized him into action.

The Commander suddenly stood up abruptly – I was surprised by the speed of his movement despite his corpulence and huge size.

The Commander told us that something urgent had come up.

He told us that he would be back soon.

He ordered us that we should wait for him.

Then – the podgy Commander threw a file in front of us.

He told us to read the file till he got back.

Then – he swiftly grabbed a civilian bush shirt which was hanging on the hat-stand.

And – he wore the blue bush-shirt over his white uniform shirt.

He looked funny in a blue bush shirt, white uniform tousers and white buck-skin shoes.

The Commander picked up his briefcase – and – he disappeared at the speed of light.

We waited patiently in his office.

More than 30 minutes passed.

Yes – we had been waiting for half an hour.

So – we went over to the office hall – and – we asked the clerical staff if they knew when the Commander would be back.

“Don’t worry. He must have gone to “Dalal Street” to meet his broker in the “Stock Exchange”. He will be back soon...” the Commander’s PA said.

(Remember – this happened in the 1970’s – when there was no internet – there was no online trading – and – you had to physically trade shares and stocks through your stock broker)

When the Commander returned – he seemed quite cheerful and he was in a happy mood.

I do not know whether he was a “Bull” or a “Bear” – but from his happy mood – it appeared that he had made a lot of money that day.

After a “brief” briefing on the “official” matter – the Commander educated us on investing and trading in stocks and shares – and – he told us how much money could be made in the stock market – rather than the conventional savings methods like Provident Funds and Fixed Deposits – which we were doing.

Later on – during my Naval career – I met many such “Bulls” and “Bears” in the Navy – fanatical “punters” who were more preoccupied with the Stock Market than their Naval Duties.

These “punters” in uniform tried their best to remain in Mumbai – so that they could indulge in their passion of “playing” the stock-market [“satta bazaar...”]

Now – thanks to internet – with the advent of online trading – it has become ever so easy for these “punters” to indulge in their stock market trading – from home – and from office during working hours – even if they are posted far away from Mumbai in remote locations.

Technology has proved a big boon for “punters” in uniform

You can use your PC, your laptop, or even your mobile smart-phone – to indulge in “satta bazaar...”

And – you can do it round the clock – 24/7 – anytime – anywhere.

Someone told me that – nowadays – Navy Wives are heavily into “online trading” in shares on the stock market – and – many Navy wives are earning good money “working” from home on the “satta bazaar...”

Part 2 – “REAL ESTATE”

During my stints in inter-service establishments – I discovered many “businessmen in uniform” in the Army and Air Force too – with other business interests.

“My boss is more of a businessman then a soldier...” an Army friend of mine once commented – and he went on to tell us that his senior was heavily engaged in real estate speculation and was least interested in soldiering duties – which he left to his juniors.

There was another officer – who would spend hours exhorting junior officers to buy property – explaining to them the various tax benefits – telling them how much the value of their property would appreciate – the rent returns – and that real estate was the best investment.

Was he doing this for purely altruistic reasons...?

Well – that I will leave it for you to guess.

But – I wonder whether it was a curious coincidence that he was plugging only residential schemes of a certain builder – arranging site visits – facilitating loans – and helping out with paperwork.

Others were busy investing in land in and around the city.

Yes – apart from the “stock market” – “real estate” (“property market”) seemed to be quite popular with “businessmen in uniform” – and – of course – there were many other “businesses” as well – some of which they pursued on their wives and children’s names.

All these “businessmen in uniform” seemed to be more engrossed in making money – rather than their military soldiering duties.

I often wonder why such money-minded individuals join the Armed Forces.

If you have a talent for business – then why waste your life soldiering in the Defence Services...?

If you have financial acumen – will your talent not be better utilized in the business-world rather than in the military...?

Part 3 – “FAUJI” BUSINESSMEN

If you are thinking of a career in the Armed Forces – the Army, the Navy or the Air Force – I will recommend that you read a book called CATCH-22 by Joseph Heller before you join up.

Catch-22 will give you an idea of what life is like in the Defence Services.

Have you committed the “blunder” of joining the Army, Navy or Air Force without having read CATCH-22...?

Yes...?

You joined the “FAUJ” without having read Catch-22...?

Not to worry...!!!

As they say – “better late than never”.

So even if you already in uniform – it would still be a good idea to read the book – so that you can appreciate the various “Catch 22” situations around you.

More importantly – it will help you comprehend the seemingly crazy behaviour of the motley characters you encounter every day in your military environment by relating them to the inimitable characters depicted in CATCH-22.

During my long years in the Navy – I came across almost all characters of Catch-22 – Dreedles, Cathcarts, Peckems, Doc Daneekas, Dunbars, Korns, Scheisskopfs, Wintergreens, De Coverleys, plenty of Yossarians – yes – I encountered all sorts of idiosyncratic types.

And – of course – how can I forget the canny Machiavellian “Milo Minderbinders” – those “businessmen in uniform” who are proliferating like hobgoblins all over in the Defence Services.

In Catch-22 – the character of Lieutenant Milo Minderbinder represents a typical “businessman in uniform”.

He looks at everything from a financial angle – and his motto is:

“what is in it for me...?”

Milo’s sole obsession is to make “profit” – and he has no allegiance to anyone or anything.

Just like the character of Milo Minderbinder in Catch-22 – there are an increasing number of money-minded “businessmen in uniform” – who are obsessed with money matters – and their sole aim is to derive “benefit” from the service.

From the day join the Military – they seem more interested in their “entitlements” and “privileges” – rather than their soldiering duties.

Forever – they keep comparing their pay and perks with others (especially with civilian bureacrats)

They make sure they extract the maximum benefits – and are paranoid about losing out on perks and pecuniary privileges.

They never seem to be satisfied and content with what they get in the service – and they have an insatiable greed for more.

It is these greedy “businessmen in uniform” who perpetuate corruption and get involved in all sorts of scams – which tarnish the image of the Defence Services – and destroy the inner discipline and moral fabric of the Armed Forces.

Part 4 – “MILITARY MINDSET” versus “BUSINESS ACUMEN”

Business Acumen and Military Attitude are stark opposites.

In fact – they are mutually exclusive.

You can either have a Military Mindset – or – you can have Business Acumen.

You cannot simultaneously have both.

You can either be a Businessman – or you can be a Soldier – but you cannot be both at the same time.

I am of the firm view that those with a “military mindset” should keep away from the business world.

And similarly – those with a “nose for business” must keep away from the Military.

“Military Ethic” is different from “Business Ethic”.

The two are poles apart and there is no congruence between them.

For a Businessman – Profit is the sole motive.

For a Soldier – Patriotism is the leitmotif.

The essence of corporate business ethic is:

“money comes before anything else”.

“Businessmen in Uniform” apply this tenet (“money comes before anything else”) even in the Armed Forces – and ruin the inherent value-based military ethos of the defence services.

It is these “Businessmen in Uniform” who are responsible for the corruption and scams that tarnish the reputation of the defence services.

(Of course – you may also find some “soldiers” among businessmen (who create business fiascos) – but that is another story – which I shall discuss later)

The numerous scams and acts of corruption which have been reported in the media is a sign of the proliferation of these “businessmen in uniform” in the defence services – even at the highest levels of the hierarchy.

Unfortunately – in recent times – an increasing number of senior officers – even Chiefs – are getting embroiled in scams, corruption cases, unethical acts and controversies.

All this not only tarnishes the good reputation of the defence services – but also adversely affects inner discipline – as juniors stop respecting their seniors who lose “moral ascendancy”.

How have we reached a stage where it is possible for so many “businessmen in uniform” to get promoted to high rank...?

Or – is it the other way round?

Have we reached a situation that – unless you are a “businessman in uniform” – it will be difficult for you to get promoted to senior rank...?

It is for you to have a thorough look at the top brass and study the promotion trends in your service and reach your own conclusion.

But one thing is sure.

All these “businessmen in uniform” have one attribute – TACT – which is euphemism for “moral pliability”.

And in today’s world – “TACT” is the vital “Officer Like Quality” – that helps an officer rise to high rank.

Of course – in addition to “businessmen in uniform” – we have “politicians in uniform” too – and combinations of the two.

But that is another story.

Part 5 – EPILOGUE – THE “OROP” “NFU” “7CPC” OBSESSED MILITARY VETERANS

At a recent get-together of Military Veterans – I noticed two types of retired “faujis”.

The first “nostalgic” group was talking about their “good old days” in the Military.

The second “money-minded” group was discussing financial matters – and was especially getting agitated about the hot topics of the day – OROP – aka “One Rank One Pension” – NFU – “Non-Functional Upgradation” – and – 7CPC – aka “Seventh Central Pay Commission” – and these – erstwhile “businessmen in uniform” were busy calculating and comparing how much money they were going to get.

Habits die hard...!!! LOL

VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer:

1. This article is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

Copyright Notice:

This Blog Post is a Revised Consolidated Version of My Articles "Businessmen in Uniform" Parts 1 and 2 - First Posted Online by me Vikram Karve on 14 December 2013 12/14/2013 12:52:00 PM in my blog at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/12/businessmen-in-uniform-part-1.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/12/businessmen-in-uniform-part-2-catch-22.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/05/businessmen-in-uniform.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2017/04/humor-in-uniform-punter.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2016/12/humor-in-uniform-military-businessmen.html etc

Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve

Saturday, June 30, 2018

Praisophobia – a funny “Phobia”

Friday, June 22, 2018

“Businessmen” in Uniform