Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: June 2014

Monday, June 30, 2014

RETIREMENT MEANS NIRVANA - MANTRA FOR THE RETIRED AND THOSE ABOUT TO RETIRE

RETIREMENT MANTRA
Wisdom Story - For the Retired and About to Retire
By
VIKRAM KARVE

If you have retired, or are about to retire, here is a story for you to read.
The story is called “NIRVANA”

NIRVANA - An Apocryphal Teaching Story by Vikram Karve

A worldly man seeking Nirvana, true enlightenment, renounced worldly life, took a strict vow of celibacy which was the sine qua non for attaining enlightenment and achieving a state of nirvana.

He then headed for the hills to live an ascetic existence of a hermit.

He found a secluded cave and began his simple contemplative meditative life surviving on natural wild vegetation in the forest and began his journey towards his quest for enlightenment.

One day he noticed holes in his robe and discovered that there were lots of rats in the cave who were chewing off his robes.

Soon, the rats were nibbling at his toes and disturbing his meditation.

Perplexed, he went down to the town and consulted his Guru who said, “No problem. The solution is simple. Get a cat.”

“A cat...?” asked the man, perplexed.

“The cat will take care of the rats,” the Guru said.

So our nirvana seeking man got a cat and took it up to his cave.

The cat took care of the rats and the man was undisturbed in his quest for enlightenment.

A few days later the cat had eaten up all the rats.

As there were no rats left to eat, the cat started feeling hungry.

One day, the famished cat started moaning with hunger.

The constant moaning and crying of the cat disturbed the man’s meditation.

So, the man again rushed to consult his Guru.

“Get a cow,” the Guru advised the man.

“A cow...?” the man exclaimed in astonishment.

“Yes. The cow will yield milk with which you can feed your cat and satiate its hunger,” the Guru said.

Now the man would spend some time milking the cow, feeding the cat and then settle down for his meditation.

A few days later the cow stopped giving milk and mooed loudly in a sad tone.

The cat too had started moaning again.

Totally disturbed by the shrill anguished moaning of the hungry cat and loud disquieting mooing of the starving cow, the wise man ran to his Guru once again to seek his advice.

“Buy some seeds and plant them. Grow grass. Water your garden and tend to the plants. The crop will give food for the cow and for you,” the Guru said.

The man planted the seeds which yielded food both for the cow and for himself.

However now the man had to spend so much time tending to his garden, feeding and milking his cow, and giving milk to his cat, that he hardly got any time for meditation.

He rushed to his Guru who once again had a ready solution, “There is a young widow – poor thing – she is a destitute woman. She will look after everything, all your needs, and you can meditate in peace and attain enlightenment.”

It was indeed a wonderful arrangement.

The young widow looked after everything.

The garden bloomed, cow and cat flourished, and the wise man was undisturbed in his quest for enlightenment.

Then, the winter season came and it started getting cold.

One day it began to snow and the temperature fell to sub-zero.

The young widow started to shiver owing to the biting cold.

Soon she could not bear the bitter cold any longer.

So the woman snuggled into the wise man’s bed.

She still felt cold.

So the woman tightly embraced the man with her arms, put her legs around him, put her entire body in physical contact with his body, as that was the only way for her to keep warm.

Now tell me, which man can resist the tight embrace of an attractive woman in the prime of her life...?

The vow of celibacy lay shattered.

There ended the man’s quest for enlightenment and nirvana.

Soon, with all his new possessions to look after (the cat, the cow, and the woman), the man returned back to the material world.

He began to live a worldly life as he used to do before, the same busy worldly life from where he had begun his journey towards enlightenment to attain Nirvana.

The “wise” man was back to square one.

His dreams to attain a state of Nirvana remained unrealized as he got busy with his worldly life.

RETIREMENT MEANS NIRVANA

Metaphorically, retirement is supposed to be “nirvana”.

Once you retire you are supposed to give up all your “worldly” activities and attain a state of bliss.

But does everyone do that?

I have seen that for many retired persons there is no difference between their retired lives and earlier busy lives.

Even after you retire, you keep getting involved in various worldly affairs due to which you are not able to achieve the idyllic state of a blissful retired life.

Read the Story again and think about all the worldly activities which are hampering your quest for a tranquil and blissful retired life.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Humor in Uniform - OFFICER LIKE QUALITIES (OLQ)

HUMOUR IN UNIFORM

OFFICER LIKE QUALITIES (OLQ) - an apocryphal story by Vikram Karve

This happened almost 30 years ago, in the mid 1980’s.

A young “hot shot” newly promoted Lieutenant Commander reported to IAT as an instructor.

Let us call him “A”.

IAT was a top-heavy institution.

In Lieutenant Commander A’s department there were 3 officers – 2 Commanders (“B” and “C”) and 1 Lieutenant Commander (“A”).

Now, since Lieutenant Commander “A” was the junior-most officer, both the Commanders used to order him around.

On many occasions there were conflicting orders from Commanders “B” and “C” and Lieutenant Commander “A” was fed up.

So, Lieutenant Commander “A” went up to the Director of Studies (a Captain) and asked him:

“Sir, who do I work for? Is it Commander “B” or is it Commander “C”? Both of them keep giving me orders.”

“What do you mean “who do I work for”? This is an training institution and all instructors are equal. But since you are junior, you have to listen to what your seniors tell you – so you obey whatever both of them tell you to do and take advice from both of them. Do you understand?” the Captain said.

“Yes, Sir, but I still have one doubt,” Lieutenant Commander “A” said.

“Speak up,” the Captain said.

“Sir, I want to know who will be writing my ACR?” Lieutenant Commander “A” asked, matter-of-factly.

(ACR stands for Annual Confidential Report – the Performance Appraisal Report in the Navy)

The Captain looked Lieutenant Commander “A” directly in the eye and said firmly: “I will be writing your ACR. The Director of Studies is the initiating officer for ACRs of all instructors in the wing. So I will be writing your ACR – is that clear?”

“Yes, Sir,” Lieutenant Commander “A” said.

He smartly saluted the Captain and left his office.

Thereafter, Lieutenant Commander “A” totally ignored the two Commanders.

Displaying astute “Officer-Like-Qualities” the smart Lieutenant Commander “A” started kowtowing the Captain.

VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer:

Copyright Notice:

First Posted by me Vikram Karve at 2/02/2014 11:00:00 AM in my blog at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/02/humor-in-uniform-acr-dilemma.html

Saturday, June 28, 2014

ALCOHOL DEPENDENCE vs ALCOHOLISM

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ALCOHOL DEPENDENCE AND ALCOHOLISM

If drinking is interfering with your work, you have become alcohol dependent (a heavy drinker)

If work is interfering with your drinking, you have become an an alcoholic (addicted to alcohol)

Friday, June 27, 2014

Humor in Uniform - HUMAN RESOURCES DESTRUCTION (HRD)

HUMOUR IN UNIFORM

HUMAN RESOURCES DESTRUCTION (HRD)

A Spoof

VIKRAM KARVE

A Senior Officer was posted to the Dockyard.

His dreadful reputation preceded him.

He was known to be a terrible bullshitter and a cruel sadist.

It did not help matters when one of his “victims” went around spreading stories of his ruthlessness and sadism, complaining bitterly: “He screwed the hell out of me for one year, he made my life miserable, and then, on top of it, he screwed my ACR and made sure I was passed over for promotion.”

When it was rumoured that the incoming Senior Officer was being posted to the “elite” Production Division, key production managers refused to work under him and they openly stated that they would put up formal requests for transfer if that Senior Officer was put on top of them.

Even the incoming Senior Officer’s course-mates and peers seemed apprehensive that his arrival would disturb the harmony of the workplace.

They rang up the “powers-that-be” requesting that his transfer be cancelled, but they were told that since Dockyard was a “criteria appointment” for Technical Officers, and the officer had never served in Dockyard, they had to give him an appointment in Dockyard to make him eligible for his next promotion.

Seeing the increasing discontent, the General Manager went to the Admiral Superintendent to seek his advice on what to do with this unwanted incoming Senior Officer.

“Send him to HR,” the wise old Admiral advised.

“HR? Sir, you want to send him to Human Resource Development?” a totally surprised GM exclaimed.

“Yes. He will be able to cause the least damage if he is over there,” the wise old Admiral said matter-of-factly.

VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer:

Copyright Notice:

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Humor in Uniform - SATTA BAZAAR

HUMOUR IN UNIFORM

SATTA BAZAAR

An Apocryphal Story

VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer:

1. Please read this apocryphal story only if you have a sense of humour. This is a spoof, pure fiction, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary.

NB:

“SATTA BAZAAR”

This happened around 36 years ago.

Six of us “piddly” Sub Lieutenants from various ships sat in front of a chubby Commander in Western Naval Command Headquarters (those days the Headquarters was located in a civilian building in Fort area of Mumbai).

We had been “detailed” for some “bum jobs” connected with Navy Week and the Staff Officer was briefing us.

Suddenly, the phone on the table rang and the Commander picked it up.

Whatever he heard on the phone suddenly galvanized him into action.

The Commander abruptly stood up and told us that something urgent had come up.

He told us that he would be back soon and we should wait for him.

He threw a file in front of us and told us to read it till he got back.

Then he swiftly grabbed a civilian bush shirt which was hanging on the hat-stand, wore the blue bush-shirt over his white uniform shirt.

He picked up his briefcase and disappeared at the speed of light.

We waited patiently in his office – almost half an hour passed.

Then we went over to the office hall and asked the staff if they knew when he would be back.

“Don’t worry. He must have gone to Dalal Street, to meet his broker in the Stock Exchange. He will be back soon,” the Commander’s PA said.

(Remember, this happened in the 1970’s when there was no internet, no online trading, and you had to physically trade stocks through your broker)

When the Commander returned, he seemed quite cheerful and in a happy mood.

I do not know whether he was a “Bull” or a “Bear” but from his happy mood it appeared that he had made a lot of money that day.

After a “brief” briefing on the “official” matter, he educated us on investing and trading in shares and told us how much money could be made in the stock market rather than the conventional savings methods which we were doing.

Later on, during my career, I met many such “Bulls” and “Bears” in the Navy, who were more preoccupied with the Stock Market than their Naval Duties.

Now, thanks to internet, with the advent of online trading, it has become ever so easy for these “punters” to indulge in their stock market trading, even during working hours, and from remote locations – you can use your PC, your laptop, or even your mobile smart-phone to indulge in “satta bazaar” and you can do it round the clock 24/7 anytime anywhere.

Someone told me that, nowadays, Navy Wives are heavily into online trading on the stock market and are earning good money “working” from home on the “satta bazaar”.

VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer:

Copyright Notice:

Abridged Version of My Article "Businessmen in Uniform" First Posted by me Vikram Karve on 14 December 2013 12/14/2013 12:52:00 PM in my blog at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/12/businessmen-in-uniform-part-1.html

Humor in Uniform - SAHEBS AT SEA - “SHIPPIE” NICKNAMES

HUMOUR IN UNIFORM

SAHEBS AT SEA

“SHIPPIE” NICKNAMES

Amusing Musings

VIKRAM KARVE

There was a time when a number of Indian Navy Officers quit the “Fighting Navy” (White Ensign) for a second innings in the Main Fleet of the Merchant Navy (Red Ensign) and kept sailing on the high seas till a ripe old age.

Nowadays, most Indian Navy Officers opt for a second innings in the Auxiliary Offshore Fleet comprising small ships like Offshore Support Vessels (OSVs), Platform Supply Vessels (PSVs), Multi-Purpose Support Vessels (MSVs) etc

Maybe today’s ex-Navy officers avoid joining the Main Fleet of the Merchant Navy, probably because it requires extensive professional and seagoing requirements, higher qualifications and competencies, and involves a tougher life on the high seas.

I have a book of humorous memoirs called “With A Pinch of Salt” written by Commodore Vinod K Sharma, from the first batch of Direct Entry Officers of the Executive Branch (Benbows), who served in the Indian Navy for 29 years (from 1948 to 1977), followed by a second innings of 16 years in the Main Fleet of the Merchant Navy.

In the chapter where he narrates how he had to adapt to a new culture when he changed over from the “White Ensign” to the “Red Ensign” and became a Merchant Mariner, he writes that the most striking change is the relationship between the various ranks and branches.

“While the Captain is the de jure Master, the Chief Engineer is de facto his own boss, and is addressed – and addresses himself – as “Barra Saheb” meaning “Big Shot”, while the Captain is merely “Captain Saheb”.

The Chief Officer is called “Maloom Saheb” meaning “Mr. Know-all”.

The Second Officer is called “Aadhaa Maloom Saheb” or “The Half-Knower” by the crew, and he doesn’t mind being addressed as such.

The relatively younger Third Officer is referred to as “Kuchh Nahin Maloom Saheb” meaning “The Clueless Officer” …”

This delightful book “With A Pinch of Salt” is a “must read” for connoisseurs of humour in uniform.

I am sure many of the stalwarts who have had two innings, one in the Indian Navy and the second in the Merchant Navy, will be able to tell us of their hilarious experiences while coping up with the cultural change.

We too have “nicknames” and “monikers” in the Navy.

And I am sure the sister services, the Army and Air Force, have typical nicknames for various appointments too.

Come on, Dear Readers in Uniform – do tell us about some of the more interesting and amusing nicknames in uniform that you have come across during your career.

VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer:

Copyright Notice:

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Humor in Uniform - INITIATION RITES

HUMOUR IN UNIFORM

I saw plenty of humour in uniform.

Here is one such hilarious story from my Humour in Uniform archives, once more, for you to enjoy.

This happened 33 years ago.

INITIATION RITES

An Apocryphal Story

VIKRAM KARVE

After slogging for 5 years in the Navy, afloat and ashore, I was “selected” to undergo the 2 year M. Tech. course at IIT Delhi.

On completion of my post graduation (M.Tech) I was posted to the military “babudom” in Delhi – what we in the Navy jokingly referred to as the landlocked “Northern Naval Command”.

Though ostensibly it was an R&D billet (in consonance with my recently acquired M.Tech. qualification), in actual fact I was a pen-pusher, a “Babu in Uniform”.

I clearly remember the first day I reported to my new job after completing my M. Tech. at IIT Delhi.

The officer who I was relieving was delighted that I had reported.

He was a few years senior to me and was looking forward to proceeding for his sea time on a good ship.

He explained the duties of the position to me.

Then he took me to the Director (a Commodore)

“Has he been initiated? Has he successfully completed his initiation?” the Commodore asked him.

“No, Sir,” my predecessor said.

“Then why have you brought him to me? See that he is properly initiated first and then bring him to me – you will be relieved of your duties only after that,” the Commodore said to my predecessor.

I was totally bamboozled and I wondered what this “initiation” was all about.

I felt confused.

Was this office in the navy or had I landed in some occult outfit?

To be frank, the sinister way in which the Commodore had said “has he been initiated” sent shivers down my spine.

The whole thing sounded macabre, something paranormal.

Yes, I was indeed truly petrified on hearing the Commodore’s words: “Has he been initiated? Has he successfully completed his initiation?”

All sorts of scary thoughts filled my mind.

My imagination ran wild and I trembled with trepidation as I wondered what the “rituals of initiation” would be like.

Would there be skulls, black magic, weird dances, eerie agonizing initiation rites, or something more macabre, or worse still, something perverted, abnormal or unnatural...?

“Don’t worry – it is not what you are thinking,” my predecessor said as if he was reading my thoughts, “be ready at 6:30 in the evening – I will come and pick you up from your house.”

Well, in the evening I realized that my fears were totally unfounded.

In fact, the so-called “initiation ceremony” turned out to be a damp squib.

I was taken to a rather salubrious, serene and tranquil place to learn meditation.

After the first training session was over, my predecessor said to me, “You keep coming here every morning and evening till you learn how to meditate properly.”

“Okay, Sir,” I said.

“Please take it seriously and learn how to meditate quickly, so that I can be relieved and proceed for my sea time. It is only when the Guru rings up our boss and tells him you have learnt how to meditate can you start coming to office and take over my duties,” my predecessor pleaded with me.

I enjoyed learning how to meditate – it was a simple method based on breathing.

I learnt how to meditate in 3 days and the Guru told me that I need not come to him anymore, but I must meditate twice a day at home.

So, in fact, this so-called “initiation” turned out to be quite good for me, after all, and I often practice meditation even till today.

But I liked to practice meditation in my own time – in the mornings and evenings at home – because I felt that this was my personal affair.

However, my boss did not think so.

For him, meditation was not a personal matter to be practiced in the privacy of your home.

He had institutionalized the practice of meditation and everyone in the office was meditating away to glory.

Some were meditating individually.

Some were meditating in groups.

And if the boss saw you meditating then you earned brownie points.

For example, let me tell you the story of the officer who had dozed off to sleep after imbibing a generous amount of beer at the customary Friday afternoon Pre Lunch Drinks (PLD) in the Navy wardroom.

Guzzling Chilled Beer on a Hot Summer Afternoon has a salutary effect and so this officer was in deep slumber at his desk when the Commodore peeped in with a file in his hand.

The officer sitting next to him, at the neighbouring desk, panicked and thought, “It seems to be something urgent, or else why would the Commodore come here to our office.”

So the officer at the neighbouring desk tried to wake up the sleeping officer.

“No,” signalled the Commodore with his hands, and then, the Commodore said to the officer in soft admonishment, “don’t disturb him. Can’t you see that he is meditating? When he finishes meditating, ask him to come to my office.”

We were encouraged to meditate singly, we were encouraged to meditate in groups, especially at lunchtime, and, once a week, there would be combined group meditation at lunchtime which was compulsory for everyone.

Yes, each and everyone had to attend the group meditation – from the Commodore right down to the peon.

The Commodore explained to us that whereas individual mediation would benefit us individually, group mediation would release positive vibes in the entire office and this would improve interpersonal relationships and indeed uplift the performance of the entire office.

This combined group meditation was conducted by the Commodore in the main office hall.

It was during one such combined group meditation session that the Admiral urgently wanted to see the Commodore.

“Sir, no one is picking up the phone in the Commodore’s office,” the Admiral’s Staff Officer said.

“Then you personally go there and call him,” the Admiral shouted.

The Staff Officer returned empty handed and said, “Sir, the Commodore is not in his office. Even his PA is not there. So we don’t know if he has gone somewhere.”

“Then get some other officer from that directorate,” the Admiral said.

“Sir, there is no officer on his seat,” the Staff Officer mumbled.

“What nonsense!” the Admiral roared.

The angry Admiral walked out of his office and he started striding down the corridor, pushing open doors of offices, surprised to find them empty, till he reached the main office hall at the end of the corridor.

The Admiral pushed open the door of the main hall.

For a moment, he was stunned by what he saw.

Everyone, officers and staff, men and women, were sitting as if in a trance – eyes closed and in deep meditation.

“Stop this nonsense!” the Admiral roared.

The Admiral’s loud voice broke our blissful trancelike spell of meditation.

Then the Admiral looked at the Commodore and shouted: “You come to my office immediately.”

That was the end of institutionalized group meditation.

However, the Commodore continued to exhort us to meditate surreptitiously in the office whenever we wanted to.

The Commodore did not give up – he kept on trying to convince the Admiral to get “initiated”.

But then the Admiral was an elbow-bending “down-the-hatch” booze imbibing officer of the “old mould”.

He believed that drowning yourself in spirits was a better way to achieve enlightenment than drowning yourself in spirituality.

VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer: