HUMOR IN UNIFORM - CRUSH-AND-SQUEEZE “FAUJI” STYLE HUMAN RESOURCE (HR) MANAGEMENT

HUMOUR IN UNIFORM

CRUSH-AND-SQUEEZE “FAUJI” STYLE HUMAN RESOURCE (HR) MANAGEMENT

Do you like sugarcane juice?

They say sugarcane juice is healthy.

Sugarcane juice strengthens your organs like your brain, heart, stomach, kidneys, eyes and sex organs.

Sugarcane juice has plenty of protein and iron, prevents sore throat, cold and flu, and is a panacea for many ills.

Besides, sugarcane juice is a most refreshing drink.

I just love a tall cool restorative glass of sugarcane juice on a hot dry afternoon to quench my thirst and beat the heat.

Have you seen the way in which they extract sugarcane juice?

The sugarcane juice stall owner squeezes stalks of sugarcane through the roller crusher.

First he pushes through the entire sugarcane stalk, at least twice, to squeeze the juice out.

Then he folds the sugarcane stalk into halves and crushes it again and squeezes the juice out.

Then he repeats this crush and squeeze technique again and again till there is no juice left till and the crushed remains, the fibrous waste bagasse, is absolutely dry.

Now the man knows that there is not a drop of juice left in the crushed sugarcane bagasse.

But still he will push the totally crushed sugarcane through the roller crusher once more just to make sure that he has extracted the juice till the very last drop.

I narrated this metaphorical example of “crush and squeeze” style of Human Resource (HR) Management at the farewell party of a Navy Short Service Commission (SSC) Officer.

His permanent commission “hard taskmaster” boss wanted to extract the “last drop” from the hapless SSC Officer by “crushing and squeezing” him and making him slog even on the last day of his service till there was no “juice” left in the poor young man.

As I talked to the SSC Officer, I felt sad for him.

He was being released after 7 years service (those days SSC was for 7 years - and the SSC tenure keeps varying from 5, 7, 10 or 14 years from time to time as per requirements of the service)

The SSC Officer was still in his late 20’s, married with a small child.

He was feeling quite insecure about his future.

The 7 years he had slogged in the navy had passed in a jiffy and suddenly he was thrown out on the “civvy” street and left to fend for himself.

You may say that I am generalizing, but I have observed that Short Service Commission (SSC) Officers get a raw deal.

I have seen many Permanent Commission (PC) Officers who consider themselves prima donnas and have a “superiority complex” vis-à-vis Short Service Commission (SSC) Officers.

Many PC Officers feel that SSC Officers are merely in a “supporting role” and their role is to fill up junior vacancies at the bottom of the pyramid, and then leave, thereby improving the promotion prospects of the PC Officers.

The yeoman’s contribution of SSC Officers is not acknowledged and hence they do not get the recognition and respect they deserve.

In a metaphorical sense, like the “sugarcane”, SSC Officers are “crushed and squeezed” till all the “juice” is extracted from them, and then they are shoved out of the defence services and left to fend for themselves in the civilian world.

Well, I have experienced this “crush and squeeze” applied to me by one boss who was after my blood right till my farewell PLD

Have you seen such “crush and squeeze” types?

HUMOR IN UNIFORM - A LESSON IN MICROMANAGEMENT

HUMOUR IN UNIFORM - A LESSON IN MICROMANAGEMENT

I can never forget this anecdote narrated by General Eric Vas [Lt Gen EA Vas (15 May 1923-18 Aug 2009)] during a lecture he delivered at IAT Pune on “Leadership” many years ago.

While taking rounds of his infantry battalion deployed in mountainous terrain, he found that a post was dangerously sited – it was directly in the enemy line of fire.

He told the post commander, an NCO, to move the post to a safer location which he indicated.

During his next rounds a few days later, he found the post at the same location.

When he angrily asked the NCO why they had not relocated the post, the NCO said that they were happy in the present location.

Seeing the reluctance of the men to relocate the post, he gave express orders that the post was to be moved immediately and personally supervised the relocation of the post to a new safer location.

Next week when he paid a surprise visit, he found that the post was back at the previous dangerous location.

He asked the JCO why his orders were not being obeyed.

He told the JCO to explain to the NCO and soldiers that the present location was dangerous and they would die the moment the first shot was fired.

The JCO spoke to the NCO and soldiers for some time.

Then the JCO came back to Eric Vas and said in hindi, “साहब, वोह बोल रहे हैं कि वोह यहाँ खुश हैं  [Sahab, woh bol rahe hain ki woh yahan khush hai (Sir, they are saying that they are happy here at this location)]”

“But tell them that this place is dangerous and they will all die,” an exasperated Eric Vas said to the JCO.

The JCO replied, “साहब, अगर  वोह खुश हैं तो रहने दो – वोह मरेंगे – लेकिन खुशी से मरेंगे  [Sahab, agar woh yahan khush hain to rehene do – woh marenge – lekin khushi se marenge (Sir, if they are happy here, let them be – they will die – but they will die happily)]”

HUMOR IN UNIFORM - UNORTHODOX STATIONERY

Humour in Uniform

UNORTHODOX STATIONERY

On page 58 of his war memoir “Himalayan Blunder” (The Curtain Raiser to the Sino-Indian War of 1962) Brigadier John Parashuram Dalvi narrates an amusing story.

This anecdote pertains to the ill-fated “forward policy” which happened in NEFA (Arunachal Pradesh) sometime in 1960.

Indian Army Troops were being hastily rushed up into the Himalayan Mountains towards the China Border without any administrative or logistic arrangements.

A Commanding Officer of an Infantry Battalion, a Lieutenant Colonel famous for his pungent wit and sense of humour, got so fed up with the absence of any sort of supply system that he decided to use some heavy sarcasm and act in a facetious manner.

He is reported to have sent one of his monthly routine reports on a chappati.

Yes, believe it or not, the Commanding Officer sent his report to a higher formation "written" on a CHAPATTI.

This caused some consternation in Army Head Quarters and the officer was asked to forward his “explanation”.

In reply, the Commanding Officer sent the now classic retort:

“I regret the unorthodox nature of my stationery, but atta (wheat flour) is the only commodity available for fighting, for feeding and for futile correspondence”.

I remember someone once telling us that the commanding officer who sent this hilarious reply was none other than Eric Vas [Lt Gen EA Vas (15 May 1923-18 Aug 2009)].

A retired army officer who was serving there in NEFA at that time (1960-61) also confirmed this anecdote.

The officer also told me that as a punishment for his “sense of humour” Lt Col Eric Vas was removed from command of the infantry battalion and was posted to a Girls NCC Battalion in Mumbai (Bombay).

But after the 1962 debacle, the new Defence Minister YB Chavan who was impressed by Lt Col Eric Vas, brought him back into the mainstream army, and resurrected his career.

General Vas had a distinguished army career and retired as the Eastern Army Commander in the rank of Lieutenant General.

I wonder whether we have such Generals today, who display such great wit to put their point across and who have such a delightful great sense of humour.

The Moral of the Story is that: “HUMOUR PREVAILS”

Yes, more importantly: “HUMOUR IN AND OUT OF UNIFORM PREVAILS”

Humor in Uniform - SOCIAL LIFE IN THE NAVY - IS “BOUNCING” OUT and IS “QUALITY TIME” IN ?

HUMOUR IN UNIFORM

IS “BOUNCING” OUT and IS “QUALITY TIME” IN ?

SOCIAL LIFE IN THE NAVY

IS “BOUNCING” OUT and IS “QUALITY TIME” IN ?

Memories of My Life in the Navy

By

VIKRAM KARVE

Around 10 years ago, I went to attend a naval seminar with a few fellow navy officers.

There we met a young naval officer who we knew.

He was posted in that station.

In fact, the officer had been a student of mine at IAT Pune and later we had served together in Dockyard.

One of the other officers attending the seminar with me also knew the young officer – they had been shipmates – and despite the seniority difference – a shipmate is always a shipmate.

We had nothing much to do in the evening, so we decided to “bounce” him.

So we landed up at his place at 7:30 in the evening.

He seemed delighted to see us (probably in anticipation of a merry drinking evening).

But his wife was not exactly “overjoyed” to see us suddenly barging in unexpectedly.

Her “displeasure” was quite evident from her body language and the expression on her face, though she tried to put on a mask of “forced geniality”.

I observed that the young wife was engrossed in watching her favourite soap serial on TV.

We settled down.

The young officer switched off the TV.

I looked at his wife.

The moment the TV was switched off there was an expression of deep disappointment on the wife’s face.

She was a working woman.

She had probably just come home after a hectic day and maybe she wanted to unwind watching her favourite entertainment on TV.

And we “strangers” had suddenly landed up for dinner.

Now her relaxed evening would be ruined, entertaining us, cooking for us, and keeping awake late into the night while we kept drinking and chatting.

Seeing her mood, I did not want to deprive the young women of her favourite TV Serial and her daily dose evening of TV viewing, which seemed to be her relaxation after a hard day’s work.

So I suggested to the young officer that why not we go over to the officers’ institute where we could drink and eat without disturbing his wife.

I said to him that since his wife seemed to be tired, let us enjoy a “stag” booze-up session.

The wife seemed genuinely relieved (though she made some mock protestations).

I realized that times had really changed.

This episode happened 10 years ago, and the fabric of the navy social milieu may have changed even more now.  

Earlier a navy wife had two choices – homemaker or teacher.

Now, things have changed.

There are hardly any full-time Navy Wives.

Most Navy Wives are serious Career Women with their own professional identities.

“New Age” Navy Wives are no longer “appendages” or “arm candy” of their husbands.

(Rather than call these new-age women as “Army Wife” or “Navy Wife” I prefer to address these career women as: “an IT Professional married to an Army Officer” or “an Investment Banker married to a Naval Officer” etc)

“Socializing” in the navy keeps changing.

In our bachelor days in the navy, we found that formal “Calling On” had become passé and “Bouncing” was a more popular way of socializing.

Later, I realized that, with the younger generation of officers and their families, it seemed that “Bouncing” was on its way out too.

Change is inevitable – times change, traditions change, and social culture changes too.

Social “calling-on” is out.

“Bouncing” is out.

Maybe, official socializing will soon be on its way out too.

Whereas we loved having parties and mess nights, I noticed that in my later years in the navy, many officers and their wives were not too keen on “official” socialization too and many complained that there were too many parties.

And like in the civilian world, even in the services, maybe the preferred thing to do in the evenings is to spend “quality time” with your family – watching TV, parenting, having dinner together etc

In my later years in service, I observed that officers and their wives did not appreciate being “bounced” at unearthly hours.

Even when a family went out for dinner or an evening out at the officers’ institute or club, they did not like others “intruding” and they preferred their familial privacy.

Are the days of social “bonhomie” and “camaraderie” over?

Is the one plus point of the unique social life we enjoyed in the services disappearing?

Now, like in the “civvy street”, has it become “each to himself” even in the defence services?

I hope not.

We enjoyed “bouncing” our friends – and we enjoyed being “bounced” too, especially when we were newly married when our bachelor friends would land up at unearthly hours at our tiny flat in Curzon Road Apartments demanding food and drink.

I will surely tell you some hilarious “bouncing” stories.

(By the way, maybe it is apocryphal, but I read somewhere that the origin of social calls, and the military tradition of “calling-on”, dates back to the pre-historic days of the cavemen, who left a carved stone at the entrance of the cave to express a desire for friendship)

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work. 
© vikram karve., all rights reserved. 

Disclaimer:

All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

     

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

 

OLQ (Officer Like Qualities) - VON MANSTEIN MATRIX - ARMY WISDOM - APPLIED TO HR MANAGEMENT

ARMY WISDOM - APPLIED TO HR MANAGEMENT

Here is an article I wrote long back (during my teaching days) maybe 20 years ago in the 1990’s. 

I am sure it is applicable even today.

Why don’t you read it and tell me?

VON MANSTEIN MATRIX and OLQ (OFFICER LIKE QUALITIES)
How to Categorize Human Resources
Four Types of Employees
By
VIKRAM KARVE

Human Resources are the most precious asset of an organisation.  

Hence, before we try to “manage” Human Resources it may be prudent to classify your employees into suitable categories based on certain attributes.

The Von Manstein Matrix is an excellent paradigm to categorize your organisation’s Human Resources, especially the Executive or Officer level employees.

General Von Manstein identified four types of officers in the German Officer Corps of the Army. 

Though this model was postulated for the Army, I think this categorisation applies to employees most organisations even today.



THE FOUR TYPES OF OFFICERS (or EMPLOYEES)



1. LAZY and STUPID

As per Von Manstein, the first category comprises the lazy and stupid ones. 


He suggests that they be left alone as they do no harm. 

Yes, by and large the Lazy and Stupid Employees are quite Harmless.

Lazy and Stupid people rarely do much active harm. 

The only harm they sometimes cause is more often based on missing opportunities and stifling the creativity of those who report to them. 

Sometimes they are the unavoidable “baggage” or “passengers” you have to carry along.

You see many of this type in the army who are hanging around and achieving nothing much for the organization but being carried along as “passengers” which is feasible in a mammoth organization with huge inertia.  

  
2. HARD-WORKING and INTELLIGENT

The second category comprises the hard-working and intelligent individuals. 

These are excellent staff officers who ensure every detail is accurate. 

The hardworking and intelligent employees make competent administrators and efficient line managers who can take orders from above and deliver the desired results.

However, such hardworking and intelligent are best kept at the mid-management level where they perform the best.

In the army, such hardworking and intelligent officers are best suited as staff officers (upto Colonel level).
  


3. HARD-WORKING and STUPID

In the third category are the hard-working and stupid ones.

These, “hardworking idiots”, according to Von Manstein, are a nuisance and menace. 

They must be fired at once because all they do is to create irrelevant work for everybody.

These hardworking idiots force everyone around them to perform pointless tasks and are a pain in the neck for everyone around them.

In the army, these hardworking and stupid officers are the ones you see slogging away sincerely in junior ranks wondering why they did not get promoted to high rank despite their hard work.
  


4. LAZY and INTELLIGENT

And finally there are the lazy and intelligent ones.

These select few are suited for the highest office. 

Laziness stimulates creativity because lazy people are always looking for easier, simpler, and less laborious ways to do things, so they try and innovate. 

And, by chance, if a lazy person is also intelligent he or she will certainly be a fantastic and ingenious innovator. 

Lazy people are natural delegators so they find it very attractive to let their subordinates get on with their work without interference from above. 

That is why Lazy, Intelligent Employees make Natural Leaders as they focus on the essentials and ignore anything that might create unnecessary work, whether for themselves or other people.

It is the lazy intelligent individuals who indeed make great strategists and leaders.

In the army, these are the officers who become generals and senior commanders.

Yes, being lazy and intelligent is considered the highest level of OLQ or “Officer Like Quality” in the military.


MORAL OF THE STORY
Lazy and Intelligent Officers have the highest OLQ

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work. 
© vikram karve., all rights reserved. 

Disclaimer:

All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

     

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

 

“TO DO” or “NOT TO DO” - The Key to Life Management

“TO DO” or “NOT TO DO”

The Key to Life Management

Self Help Tip

By

VIKRAM KARVE

“TO DO” LIST

When I was in the Navy I always had a “to do” list or a “slop chit” (in naval parlance).

It was standard naval practice for officers to carry a “slop chit” in their pocket at all times, especially in work-intensive appointments like those on board ships and in Naval Dockyards.

At the start of the day we wrote down all the jobs to be done on the “slop chit”.

When a task was completed, we struck off that entry – and whenever there was a new job to be done, we added that job to the “slop chit”.

The tasks which remained incomplete at the end of the day, we transferred to the next day’s page.

I am sure you maintain such “to do” lists too – nowadays you can maintain these “slop chits” in digital form on your smart phone or on your laptop too.

At work, these “to do” lists are an obligation you have to perform in return for the money your employer pays you as salary.

Sometimes, the “obligations” can be non-monetary too – like familial obligations towards your spouse, children, parents or relatives; or a commitment you have made to someone.

In short, “to do” lists are related to “obligations”.

“NOT TO DO” LIST

Now that I have retired, I have a “no to do” list.

Now there is no need for a “to do” list as far as “work” is concerned.

Once you retire, you don’t work for anyone – you don’t have an employer who pays you money – so you have no obligations – there is no “job” for you to do – and hence there is no need to maintain a “slop chit” or “to do” list as far as “work” is concerned.

In most cases, by the time you retire, your children have “flown away” from your nest – so you don’t have any parenting responsibilities either.

Yes, even after retirement, you may have some “bare minimum inescapable” obligations – like essential daily chores, paying bills etc.

In India, even after retirement, they hassle you with sundry issues.

For example, all pensioners have to visit their banks in November every year to render a “life certificate” in person in order to prove that they are alive.

Various types of bills and taxes are to be paid, returns are to be filed, but you can reduce these to the bare minimum inescapable and try to delegate these tasks or use information technology to do these tasks online with minimal effort.

To put it in a nutshell, once you retire, your aim should be to minimize these sundry tasks to bare minimum so that you do not need to maintain a daily “slop chit” or a “to do list” for these very few “inescapable” tasks.

After retirement, what you must do every day, is to maintain a daily “not to do” list.

“TO DO” or “NOT TO DO” – The Secret of Blissful Retirement

After retirement you are supposed to enjoy a peaceful and blissful retired life “doing nothing”.

Every person has a different concept of how to enjoy “blissful retirement”.

I like to spend my time reading, writing, blogging, social networking and taking long walks with my pet dog.

Some of my ex “fauji” friends like to play golf every morning followed by chilled beer with their navy buddies talking of the “good old days”.

There is a crazy guy who is enjoying his retired life indulging in adventure sports, despite his age.

Some like to spend their time indulging in spiritual activities.

Others travel, many take up a hobby, and a few involve themselves in social activities.

Everyone has different ideas of “bliss” – “to each his own” as they say.

I know what “blissful retirement” means for me.

You know what “blissful retirement” means for you.

So, after retirement, “blissful retirement” will be the only item on your daily “slop chit” or “to do” list.

Thus, there is no need for you to maintain an exhaustive “to do” list (since you have only one “to do” item in your life – any activity that enables blissful retirement).

In order to enjoy retirement, what you must maintain is a “not to do” list.

Your “not to do” list will include all those activities which impede or interfere with the enjoyment of “blissful retirement”.

Whatever hassles you – those burdensome but unnecessary obligations and activities which waste your time and cause you stress – just put them on your “not to do” list.

I have realized that, after retirement, what you decide “not to do” is more important than what you decide “to do”.

The “not to do” list need not be not restricted to activities alone – it can be applied to people too (your “not to meet” list).

Let me give you a simple example.

Long back, in the Navy, I once had a “toxic” boss who I did not like.

Our “vibes” just did not match, and even being in his company was stressful for me.

Now, this boss had decreed that he would have a meeting at 9 every morning and wanted everyone, including me, to be present.

I had no choice but to put the 9 AM meeting on the “to do” list, though I would rather have this painful morning meeting with the boss on my “not to do” list.

In the morning, this boss would ask us about our work, and then micromanage, ordering us to report on progress from time to time, and though I hated it, I had to put all this on my “to do” list – the progress reports which entailed meeting or speaking to the boss which I hated to do.

Now, I have retired, I am my own boss, and I am a free bird – so now I have a “not to do” list of toxic people I do not want to meet (a “not to meet” list).

Similarly, just before retirement, I was a Professor, and my “to do” list comprised the lecture assignments and guidance of research work which were an “obligation” since I was paid a salary.

Now, after retirement, I am often invited to deliver guest lectures and conduct training programs – but since I am under no obligation, I am free to decide whether “to do” or “not to do”.

WHY WAIT FOR RETIREMENT – Why not have a “not to do” list right now

I will let you in on a secret.

I had started practicing this “to do” or “not to do” strategy long back in the early stages of my career – albeit covertly and tactfully.

So, you need not wait for retirement to make your first “not to do” list – you can do it right now.

Of course, once you retire you can do it quite brazenly.

So, Dear Reader, why don’t you start right now, and instead of a “to do” list, you make a “not to do” list every morning?

Decide what “not to do” rather than what “to do”

Implement this daily life management strategy and you will see your efficiency rise and stress disappear.

As I said earlier, you will realize that deciding what “not to do” may be more beneficial rather than deciding what “to do”.

To be continued in Part 2…

Some Real Life Success Stories of Individuals who focused on “not to do” lists and successfully implemented the “to do” or “not to do” strategy

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work. 
© vikram karve., all rights reserved. 

Disclaimer:

1. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

2. Pictures in this blog post are downloaded from the internet from free images websites with thanks and courtesy

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

     

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

 

COLD CUTS - Humor in and out of Uniform

HUMOUR IN AND OUT OF UNIFORM

COLD CUTS

Navy Foodie Memories

By

VIKRAM KARVE

This happened almost 30 years ago, in the mid 1980’s.

The moment I reported to IAT Pune, I was immediately given a “bum job” – Mess Secretary of the Officers’ Mess (of course, in addition to my primary instructional duties).

I duly reported to the President Mess Committee (PMC) in the Mess Office.

“Welcome to the IAT Officers’ Mess,” the PMC, an Air Force Group Captain said, “well, the first thing you will have to do is the valedictory dinner coming up this weekend – plenty of bigwigs are coming, so let’s have a grand affair.”

After uttering those words, the PMC disappeared, leaving everything to me.

I called the mess staff and I was delighted to see that there were two navy sailors – a cook and a steward.

I recognized the cook at once – he had served with me on a ship a few years ago and was now a Petty Officer.

I looked at the cook and said, “Let’s have a cold cuts spread for the valedictory dinner – like we used to have on the ship. I think it will be ideal for a hot summer evening.”

The cook’s face brightened up, and he said, “Very good idea, Sir. It will be a nice change from the usual butter chicken, mutter paneer, daal makhani menu.”

“Let’s have a Naval Pudding too,” I said.

“Sir, I can make Diplomat or Trunk of Tree,” the cook said.

“Let’s have both,” I said, “and we will have a lavish cold cuts spread which everyone will remember for a long time.”

On the morning of the dinner, I personally went along with the cook to the market and stores in Pune Camp to select the assorted cold cut meats and other ingredients.

I wish I could show you pictures of the lavish Mixed Cold Cuts Buffet Spread we had laid out on Banquet Tables on the plush lawns of the IAT Officers Mess, but this happened 30 years ago, so the best thing I can do to whet your appetite is to upload from the internet some delicious “food porn” pictures of cold cuts. This should give you an idea of what the delectable array of meats in a cold cuts buffet looks like and how scrumptious and fulfilling a cold cuts banquet is. I am sure your mouth will salivate when you look at these delicious pictures of the succulent cold cuts.

                                          COLD CUT MEATS

                              

                                                        COLD CUTS PLATTERS

                               

         
                                                         COLD CUTS BUFFET SPREADS

COLD CUT MEAT AND SEAFOOD PLATTER

      (Just imagine entire tables with such delicious mixed meat cold cuts spreads)

The valedictory dinner was a grand success.

Everyone appreciated the cold cuts buffet spread.

The PMC and I were sitting in his Office, feeling good in a self-congratulatory mood, when Colonel “S” walked in.

Colonel “S” was most unhappy with the dinner.

“What sort of menu is this for a party dinner?” he complained.

“Everyone says the dinner was excellent – even I enjoyed the food,” the PMC countered.

“All of you are carnivores – in the dinner there were only meats and meats – ham, salami, sausages, mutton, chicken, fish, luncheon meat...god knows what all was there – but there was nothing for vegetarians like me.”

“Sir, there was Russian Salad…” I tried to say.

“S” interrupted me, “There was egg in there…”

“Egg? In the Russian Salad? I don’t think so – though they do put in a few chopped boiled eggs in Russian Salad sometimes, I don’t think last night’s Russian Salad had eggs…”

“But it had mayonnaise – there is egg in mayonnaise – and one of the puddings had egg too – in the custard – this is total injustice to vegetarians – the only thing I could eat was those bread rolls, terribly tasting cheese and a few raw vegetables,” complained “S” bitterly.

“Okay, your point is noted,” the PMC said.

After “S” had gone away, the PMC said, “These bloody Pongos can’t appreciate good cuisine – I think we will have the standard Army Style party menu next time.”

So, for the next dinner party we had the standard greasy “Fauji” party menu.

But “S” was still unhappy.

“S” started his sob story: “For the non-vegetarians there was chicken curry, fish fry, mutton…”

“Mutton..?” I said, surprised.

“In the small eats – don’t think I didn’t see the heaped plates of Boti Kababs, Seekh Kababs, Shami Kababs along with the Chicken Tikka, Fish Finger and Prawns – and for the vegetarians there were only peanuts and wafers…”

“And mixed pakoras – cauliflower, palak, potato, onion…” I added.

“S” interrupted me and asked, “Where is the equivalence?”

“Equivalence?” I said, nonplussed.

“Yes, where is the equivalence between the food served to non-vegetarians and vegetarians?” asked “S”.

“Sir, in last evening’s menu for vegetarians we had paneer, daal, palak, vegetables – all these have plenty of protein and vitamins just like non-veg dishes – healthwise they have the same, maybe even better nutritional value…” I said.

“Who is talking of nutritional value? I am talking of monetary value. I have calculated the cost of all the non-veg food you served last night – it is double the cost of the veg menu – and you charge the same amount of party share to veg and non-veg…”

“Sir, please…”

“And in that bloody western style cold-cuts party of yours – the disparity was even worse – it is total injustice for the vegetarians…” said “S” bitterly.

I was getting fed up of his diatribe so I said to the PMC: “Sir, let Colonel “S” organize the next party – let him decide whatever menu he wants.”

“S” readily agreed and the PMC gave his okay.

At the next party, the buffet spread out on the dining table was a bonanza for vegetarians – paneer shahi korma, mutter mushroom, malai kofta, dal makhani, Navratan Korma in rich Cashewnut gravy laden with pineapple and other fruit and a rich dry fruit embellished pulao – in short, the works.

And on the non-veg side of the table there was just a measly looking chicken curry, as if “S” had personally supervised it.

As usual, I was well prepared for the party and had built up a good appetite – a game of 6-a-side hockey, a swim in the NDA pool, followed by 6 large pegs of Hercules Rum had made me happily high and voraciously hungry.

I had a look at the measly looking chicken curry.

I ladled in a leg piece of chicken and some curry on my plate.

I noticed “S” looking at me – he had a gloating look of triumph and victory.

I looked at the array of delicious dishes on the vegetarian table.

I could not resist the temptation, so I crossed over and started heaping my plate with the vegetarian delights.

“S” suddenly appeared by my side, “You are non vegetarian. Why are you taking vegetarian food?”

“Who says that a non-vegetarian cannot eat vegetarian food?” I countered “S” – and then I said to him: “And who is stopping you from eating non-veg food? If you want you can also have non-veg food. In fact, you should have enjoyed the delicious cold cuts that day.”

The PMC was overhearing our tête-à-tête.

“Yes, a non-vegetarian has the best of both worlds, especially in the services,” the PMC commented, tongue-in-cheek.

MORAL OF THE STORY

If you are a pure vegetarian, it is best to steer clear of the navy (army and air force too).

And yes, the same applies if you are a teetotaller non-drinker too.

But that is another story which I have already told you earlier – remember the story of THE “MAUKATARIAN” FREELOADER ?

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work. 
© vikram karve., all rights reserved. 

Disclaimer:

1. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

2. Pictures in this blog post are downloaded from the internet from free images websites with thanks and courtesy

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

     

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.